Council housing priority - council advising to wait until Ballifs turn up

[Blueotter22]

Hi All,

Im posting here for traffic really to see if anyone else has experienced this or has been able to challenge it. I’m at a loss on how I can support my Mum with this.

My mum has advanced Alzheimer’s (early onset) and is cared for 24/7 by my SIL & Brother. My angel SIL quit her job (as a care home worker) to care for my Mam full time, she does everything for her (personal care, feeding, medication, appointments etc). My SIL & Brother have rented a house from SIL’s brother for a number of years, rent is reasonable and they’ve managed just about but now her brother is moving back home from overseas and would like his house back. SIL has her heart set on a council house because of their low income they will struggle with the private rent but also the area they live is typically flats to rent which wouldn’t be suitable for Mums mobility needs. They would also like the security that having a council house brings as they have a pet and want the stability of not having to move again.
Which is understandable, as they have no savings, wouldn’t really ever be in a position to buy and brother works a low paid job which is a struggle to provide for 3 adults.

Mum has been rejected for benefits due to a super complicated and I think unfair situation, she was basically living in America with her husband when she became unwell and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. We (& she) wanted her to come back to the UK but husband insisted they were staying in America as he worked there, he wasn’t aware of how Alzheimer’s disease progresses and sadly she deteriorated quite quickly during Covid and he couldn’t travel to bring her home. He admitted he could no longer care for her and brought her back to the UK and basically promised he would sell up in America and come back to help care for her, but yeah..he didn’t. He’s stayed there and now my Mum hasn’t been able to access any financial support because technically she’s been out of the country. The rules are the rules so it’s just something we’ve had to accept. My SIL therefore hasn’t even had any carers allowance or support.

So the issue is, the council are refusing to acknowledge that my Mum exists basically because she doesn’t have benefits. Despite turning up to the house unannounced and witnessing how unwell she is. The housing officer has told my SIL that they won’t be considered a priority until she is taken to court and ballifs attend the property.

SIL brother has served them a section 21 and said they have until X date to leave, but obviously he doesn’t want to take them to court or get the ballifs. It will cost so much! I just think it’s absolutely crazy that this is the actual advice given? Pay court fees, pay ballifs just to prove you need housing?
Also, they said they’ll likely find them temporary accommodation first before they are able to bid. I just don’t see how this is reasonable for a woman who is highly distressed a lot of the time anyway, can’t manage stairs, needs constant supervision and I’m just so overwhelmed trying to understand how I can help them.

I can’t believe this is actually a thing? Part of me was thinking my SIL might have got the wrong end of the stick but she is adamant that is the advice from the housing officer?! 😳

I am going to write to their MP and I’ve googled so much about this but has anyone experienced a similar situation and is there some kind of legislation or something I can use to write to the council?

So they get over 1k paid plus rent and bills paid by her dh...
Not quite the 'he's totally abandoned her and left her destitute' is it?!

Age UK would be better.

OP, leave the siblings to it for now, and focus on advocating for your mam. Ring every old age/dementia/carers charity you can find and systematically follow up their advice. See if you can get a social worker for your mam.

And stick a few pins in Voodoo dolls of your stepfather and half sister, the selfish greedy shits.

Does your mum have a previous will, or did she never make one?
He can't dispose of her half of the house either in his will (though if she dies first he'll get it unless she has a will that says differently), or before she dies.
Which state do they live in?
If she doesn't have a will you MUST get her a divorce.
If she does, you might be able to get him to support her while married and then you would get some inheritance from her (I have no idea if this is easier than getting a divorce).

What on earth are they spending the money on if they’re about to be homeless?

The more you post the more it sounds like financial abuse of your mother by your brother and SIL. You should phone adult social care to make a referral for your mother.

This, am thinking less they actually care about her and more what they can get!

Exactly! Even the husband/stepdad doesn't even know of the money is going to his wife or some mindless spending

My god, reading your updates it gets worse. I think you'd mam would be better off in a care home as your DB and SIL seem to be using her for money.

you think that caring full time for someone with advanced Alzheimer’s ( who doesn’t even recognise her own daughter) on £250 a week is financially lucrative for the SIL?

Reading further this is all ridiculous. Tell them to grow up and take responsibility. Contact ss for your mother.

I agree with this. And now trying to use her to ger a council property.

Your mum would be better in a care home, especially since she is going to need to move from the house she is currently in.

You need to speak to social services.

So what is their current plan? Is SIL actually going to ruin her relationship with her own brother to be evicted by baliffs? They sound like a pair of selfish children to be honest.

£1000 per month plus a extra amount for bills.

You’re naive if you think that’s not enough of a draw for some people to financially abuse their family. Adult social care deal with family members like that everyday.

I Dont think her husband could cope

Her husband knows it’s an absolute bargain for 24/7 care. Care home fees would be about eight times that much and it equates to about half of 40 hours a week on minimum wage. If anyone is being financially abused it’s SiL.

Sorry, this has kind of spiralled into something much bigger than I had planned to disclose. I didn’t mean to drip feed, I had no idea about the council house situation naively.

Yes husband does pay SIL to care for Mam, but it is a 24/7 job with no sick pay and no days off. My mam has advanced Alzheimer’s, she needs full personal care/ hygiene/ can’t feed herself/ can’t communicate what she needs/ she talks jumbled sentences/ she is up at 7am and spends the entire day pacing, picking things up, is a falls risk, needs constant supervision, sometimes doesn’t sleep. SIL cares for her really well, she treats her like her own Mam. She gives her so much dignity and looks after her exactly how my Mam would want to be treated. If SIL didn’t quit her job, put her life on hold (they were trying for a baby) to care for my Mam then she would be in a care home which husband would have to pay much much more. Husband left her here with the promise he was selling the house in America as soon as little sister went to college and he would be back to support and they would all live together in a house he was going to buy. Then he changed his mind and asked us all for permission to start meeting other women because he was lonely and grieving, we all felt sorry for him because he has always been a good man to all of us and met my Mam when she was a single mum of 3 teenagers. We always loved him like a father. Then suddenly it’s changed, he doesn’t contact us, he comes over once a year and spends the entire time avoiding Mam and doesn’t even interact with her. It does feel like he’s abandoned her and is paying the bare minimum out of duty because their legally married and if SIL changes her mind he would have no choice but to pay ££££ more for her care. He sees the house that they jointly own as his house, because he worked and paid the mortgage despite him insisting my Mam was a housewife and she put down between 100-200k on that house. So yes he pays SIL, but he’s got a great “deal” for his vows of in sickness and in health (imo)

SIL & brother are terrible with money, do I think they are taking advantage of caring for Mam to get a council house? Yes, I do. She has her heart set on a new council house development where her friend got a 3 bed and seems to think that’s what she is going to get. When I said I don’t think that would be suitable for Mam because she can’t manage the stairs well anymore she said she would have her bedroom downstairs in the living room, they don’t want a bungalow. So yes there’s definitely some trying to play the system there, but I kind of can understand their point of view because their both low earners and owning a house is not really ever going to be a possibility for them. They want stability and a secure place they can call home where they won’t be asked to leave, like all the other thousands of families and people who want that too. I get it, I don’t think it’s right and I’m not saying they should get that.

I guess I’m in a situation I’m trying to play very carefully, because last time I fell out with SIL I couldn’t go see my Mam and honestly these are the last years of her life and she’s deteriorating each time I see her. I have constant messages from SIL where she’s upset and stressed about their housing situation, then I’ve got husband who is ignoring me because I dared to suggest he downsize his huge American house, then I’ve got my brother and sister who are just head in the sand ignore everything type, then my little sister who is a very very emotionally young adult who had to grow up watching her Mum forget who she was and has a Dad who is emotionally useless. I’m trying to support her through her education while we’re both grieving our Mam who doesn’t know who we are.

So everything everyone has said is correct, and most days I tell myself well it’s my turn to bury my head in the sand. Let them all do what they’re going to do. But I just don’t want my Mam to go in a care home, I’m terrified of her not being cared for to the standard that SIL does it.

I have noticed some social housing providers down here now only offer 7 year tenancies, then they are re assessed.

Also I’m sorry I keep saying Mum and Mam in the same post. As you’ve probably gathered I’m a Geordie who now lives 200 miles south of the Tyne where my own child calls me Mum. But she is my Mam 😅

Op I’ve said YABU as your worrying about family drama when there is clearly already family drama.

Your worried about upsetting siblings 200miles away who have already taken you out of the family chat
You’re worried about upsetting a man that has essentially dumped your mother in another country to be rid of her while he enjoys her money and a new woman and who threatened to get her sectioned.
This same man is refusing to divorce your mother and has apparent POA of her.
Your worried you will upset your sister who is happy to still live with the man who dumped his wife, her mother in another country to her while hooking up with another woman because she cares more about her college fees.

Maybe stop worrying about them. Right now the situation is your SIL and brother are being stubborn about their housing position. Your mother as far as you are concerned is being well taken care of, your happy with her care. You have tried offering options only to be shut down.

If SIL won’t have carers in the house that’s her problem, not yours. You can use your AL to offer respite, that’s your decision, if it’s too much then you essentially select how much AL your willing to give up and the rest of the time you use for you and your DS.

As for everything else, maybe try posting in legal for some legal advice on:

Can the husband have POA if he’s out of the country?
Can the husband be legally held responsible for her as they are still married? Will he have to cover care fees?
Given he has POA and legally married, is it your brother and SIL responsibility to go after him for money or the state if she’s put in care?
What would happen if she was just left at a hospital, council office? I know you wouldn’t do that but knowing the details will give you a clearer overall idea of options.

Id also have a conversation with a solicitor and CAB.

Next time anyone moans to you you can say well these are the options I will leave it up to you to decide what you want to do, but if your not willing to address these head on I’m out, I will be there for Mam as much as I can but I’m not martyring myself if no one will take the actions needed.

You know your Mam is not being mistreated in her day to day care, that’s the important thing everything else is just noise that’s not important to her care.

edited, sorry we cross posted, I’d be furious with sil on stopping you seeing your mam, if you have to play nicely just to see her, I understand. Maybe look at greyrovking your SILs noise on the housing situation.

@Blueotter22 you’ve still not said whether your mum has had any form of SW assessment? If not ,why not?

@AliceMcK Thank you so much, your response made me cry because you summarised and validated my experience and the quiet whisperings I say out loud to myself regularly.

Im taking all advice from everyone and will seek legal advice for clarity x

Sorry!! I missed your post. So when she first moved to the UK a SW visited her and SIL. They closed the referral down after visiting her as they deemed she was safe and cared for. SIL had registered her with GP, they are under the dementia MH service in the area etc. OT came and assessed the environment at the time, gave her a bath lift etc. Now services have pretty much taken a step back and things are just ticking along without much support.
Are you a SW, is there a way I can contact them and ask for advice on behalf of my Mam? My issue being that I am like 4th in the “chain” of adults - Husband (POA) SIL (has power to make decisions on her daily care/needs), Brother? (Eldest?) and then Me I would say but I’m the only one not financially influenced.

I’m not a SW but have another HCP background. Usually if someone is already under a service eg. Mental health team ,there would be a point of contact, if she already known to the service that’s by far the easiest way, could you ask your SIL to give you the details? I appreciate the difficulty you may have when you aren’t the main carer…if you aren’t able to get the rest of the family to agree a sensible plan of action about the housing situation and you are worried about your mum you can report concerns to the adult social work team in her area….all councils have safeguarding teams that you can contact via form/ phone line. I’m confused about how and when your mums partner applied for and managed to get POA? It all seems very mixed up and so reliant on informal arrangements.

P.s. are you saying her husband has got both financial / housing POA and a health and welfare POA?

Having cared for my father through dementia to the end I feel for your position with this, clearly she can't go back. However, due to the advanced stage of her illness it is likely she will have a fall or some other accident that puts her in hospital - at that time she will get assessed and be offered a care package or LA funded care / continuing healthcare. If you say you can't cope then they will be obliged to provide.

Having been through this, from what you describe you are probably under 12 months from the end anyway, the decline at the end is surprisingly rapid given the awful time to get there.

Was the POA done in the UK? If so contact the Office of the Public Guardian for advice because her husband is not acting in her best interests.

https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian