To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

[AskingForTacos]

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

I hope you're okay @AskingForTacos

I just want to say that sulking and belittling you is just as abusive as slapping you!…
mental abuse, coercion / control is just as damaging (often more damaging) than being whacked!
Sulking or saying ‘we’ll speak later’ is awful as it leaves you tied in knots worrying about the confrontation that is to come ‘later’…
His total lack of ability to self reflect is worrying…. He should instantly realise his behaviour was out of order and apologise.,,
I’d be willing to believe his behaviour was stress (if it was out of character - but it’s not!).. however once it happened he should’ve told you to go ahead and agreed
to meet you when he got another flight… not expected everyone to miss the flight not even knowing if there would be another one with 4 spaces!!
It’s cheaper and easier to rebook for one person!
When he starts to berate staff, do you feel able to tell him to stop? Or are you scared of how he’s react? Because you’ve stated you’re not scared of him, but you seem unable to call him out .. which is fear!…
My exH always managed to ruin holidays with his negativity (he wasn’t ever rude to anyone!) but liked different things to me and DD, so we’d either end up
doing different things or DD would be dragged along to what he liked or he’d be dragged along to what she wanted to do… with lots of ‘are we done yet?’ From whichever one wasn’t happy.. I’d be in the middle as the peace keeper/people pleaser feeling utterly torn and eventually blowup over something trivial & then feel unreasonable and cry… I couldn’t identify this at the time though!…. Anyway the last 4 years of our marriage I just started booking holidays without him… the first one was because he had no a/l left so we went alone and then after that it was a choice because the holiday was a real eye opener and we had a much better time as a two rather than a three!
we split up 3 years ago and my DD asked why I hadn’t done it sooner!! (He is her bio dad btw!) he wasn’t a nasty man, but was VERY selfish .. it was very much his way or not at all… would deny saying things or deny that I’d said things which would cause tension, if I got cross it was unresolved as he’d just sulk off to another room and tell me me to stop talking! So I learned that if he walked away from a discussion that was it, I never got my point over and it was left unresolved because it was pointless as he would NEVER apologise or admit he was wrong… EVER!

Have you ever tried talking to him about it?

Some people just have blind spots. I'd think he was a twat but you've made it sound like he's a decent human otherwise so I wonder if he just doesn't get that it makes you uncomfortable, makes him look like a twat and is really unfair to service staff to treat them that way.

Anyway my point is…
if he starts on this holiday - challenge him, tell him they’re only doing their job and he’s being unreasonable…. Then at some point you need to step back and look at your relationship and think whether you’re ‘settling’… maybe have a talk with him about the things he does and ask him if he’s willing to change the way he communicates with others!

You and your opinions are irrelevant to this thread and I feel wholly embarrassed for you 😂

That's the crucial thing; he would have used the cost of four replacement flights as an excuse to cancel the whole holiday, given that he never wanted to go in the first place. And then would have gone on and on for years to come about how airlines are so unreasonable and why fly and the OP would have been stuck with Butlins forever.

Ask him if he can see how him being abusive ruined this for him, it was no one else’s fault… just his reaction that caused all this…. Ask him to think about that..,, compare it to a toddler tantrum, an unreasonable outburst to try to get his own way and when there was a consequence for him (not getting the flight) the consequence quite rightly affected only him! A toddler having a tantrum might be placed on the naughty step or not be allowed an ice cream etc… the whole family wouldn’t sit on the naughty step or go without a treat!! Ask him to think about all that and you’re simply not willing to discuss it with him till he’s thought king and hard about his unnecessary tantrum at the airport… he needs to look at himself and not blame you for his appalling behaviour and the consequence he faced!
Tell him you now expect no more moaning while on holiday… and tell him he needs to practice addressing issues in a mature polite manner with staff, and like I said previously, i would cough or say ‘mark please stop’ when he’s raising his voice to those staff…. If he starts on holiday maybe remove yourself… just walk away with both kids…. If he starts in reception moaning about something just walk off… go to the room, the pool or whatever, if he starts in the buffet, just walk away to another area… whether that’s a ‘come on kids let’s look at the dessert table / get a drink / or whatever… I would literally abandon him everytime he starts… if he starts at the end of a meal just get up, thank the staff he’s moaning to and leave!
or simply tell him he’s being an arse!

Female what? Giraffes? Lemurs? Beetles? Do you have a phobia about the word "women"?

Why does it matter if the term females or women are used? Who cares

Lots of us. It's an obvious marker

Why? Are women not female??

They are female, along with a great many other things that are female.

Is this all you got? 🤣 well done you can go to bed tonight knowing your intelligant post got me. There's nothing wrong with the word women or female. I didn't mean to cause offence by saying female so I don't understand why you feel the need to be abusive? I wasn't trying to be rude by saying this.

thanks for replying and for your explanation. Maybe calling the poster out for derailing the thread/being selfish would have made a more effective point?

Anyway I’m not the thread police and appreciate the irony that my comments are derailing this one!

Wow!

well I wouldn’t care less if I was referred to as a female / woman / lady or any other pronoun.
its totally petty to pick up on someone using ‘female’ to describe a female person rather than using ‘woman’…… which btw the term ‘female’ is more appropriate as covers both girls and women, not just adult females!

Say what you want. But you're giving red flag to others.

Btw, none of those are pronouns

I care for the good reasons given by a poster upthread. Its demeaning to women to be referred to as "females". The kind of man who uses this term is not woman-friendly imo.

It's female when used as a noun rather than adjective that becomes red flag territory - it's the misogynistic/incel influencers or commentators online who refer to women as 'females' and it's used very specifically in a way that animalises and reduces women. The word in itself is not problematic, but you learn to be very wary of anyone online who refers to 'a female' or 'females' because a lot of them are Andrew Tate inspired creeps and losers. I know it seems like a really small thing to pick up on but you'll notice that people who use the word that way are usually defending abusive men and attacking women. Like the poster on this thread who used it originally.

Absolutely spot on. I would be very clear about boundaries here.

@AskingForTacos I hope he got there OK finally and isn't trying to spoil the rest of your holiday. Thinking of you

I agree with this and I find it interesting to refer to men as 'males' and see how they react👀

Just goes to show you need a lot more than excellent attendance at school, to form an educated well rounded person.

Exactly, many things are important but all play their role.

Your opinion is wrong.
I took all 3 of mine out every single year for hols, and all 3 are highly educated adults now. Holidays can have a profound effect on children alright, but its a good one.
What do you think caused your being a wanker? did they prioritise your attendence over your mental health?

Hi everyone, all okay. He did indeed show up in a mood moaning about buses and people on his flight but I nipped it in the bud pretty bloody quick. He was tired last night and retired to bed straight away.

It all came to a head this morning actually and he cried. DD was down at the hotel play area with some kids she met and DS was occupied with toys so kids are fine. He’s says not happy, he’s depressed, he thinks he might be autistic (I know a few posters picked up on this, his DF has clear undiagnosed autism and is similarly easily frustrated). DS is in the diagnosis process too so it could all be connected. He reckons he’s been masking and that the pressures of fatherhood and family life have brought it out.

He used to love holidays and flying before becoming a father/stepfather but he says he’d been dreading this holiday and the “stress”. Dreading what DS would be like on the plane, dreading unexpected fees, terrorism concerns.

He says that when I declined the Butlins suggested and asked to go abroad he didn’t want to upset DD by saying no but ever since it’s been booked he’s been uncomfortable. He denies that he deliberately overpacked his bag to sabotage the holiday but admits he wouldn’t have been sorry if the holiday got cancelled over it.

I’ve said to him that I don’t want to dismiss his feelings but that I really want to enjoy this holiday and relax as a family and we will address this once home. He says he understands and that he loves us all and will try. Compromise for getting through the holiday is that if he wants to go and rest on his own in the hotel room then that is fine and I will not bother him but he’ll do is best to participate in family time. When we get home he will see GP about potential autism and depression diagnosis.

That all sounds really hopeful. I hope you all have a great holiday and he can get sorted on return.