To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

[AskingForTacos]

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

That's so ridiculous; no one is obliged to fly with Ryanair. They make their policies very clear and if you don't want to pay for the amount of luggage you want to bring then tough luck - don't fly!

And calling someone 'a jobsworth bitch' is not nobly standing up against injustice - it's aggressive, abusive behaviour that won't be tolerated. Nor will it change the airline's policy.

OP, sounds like you have the opportunity to really enjoy this holiday like you deserve so I hope you have a great week!

What’s wrong with you? If you actually think that’s an acceptable way to speak to someone doing their job (when the guidance for luggage is very very clear so he knew what he was doing) then… what is wrong with you?

This sounds like the best outcome you could have hoped for. Be quite firm in sending him away if his behaviour becomes unreasonable & enjoy your holiday.

Hopefully the GP can help for future. Well done for how you’ve handled everything so far.

Your “DH” is despicable. My young adult son has just started working in customer assistance at an airport and has been absolutely appalled at the disgusting behaviour of grown adults like your DH.
I genuinely couldn’t bear to be with someone who treats people so poorly.

Just read your first post but you're only being unreasonable if you don't leave the bastard.

I'd never stay with a man who called someone a bitch Infront of me.

You do know he'll start with that bs with you too someday right? If he hasn't already.

I'd have left him there and I wouldn't be returning to him.

Rude to service staff isn't a trait of autism. It's a common behaviour of people with npd though. So much so that it's often one of the first things people point out about how to spot a narcissist.

As is, ruining vacations, special occasions and anything you are enjoying that isn't all about them. Creating stress deliberately in situations where you are already stressing too is textbook.

Crocodile tears, blame shifting and making excuses for awflful behaviour like 'im depressed' is another biggy
I mean if the shoe fits...

Of course a person can be autistic and a narcissist. And either way, his behaviour is inexussable.

💯

Its not an excuse, its an explanation.

It does mean he has an additional barrier to behaving acceptably.. That's just a fact. It may mean he is not able to overcome his difficulties to behave acceptably when under stress.

The good news is that he has enough self insight to recognise that he has behaved unacceptably. That does mean there is at least potential for him to try to work on himself.

Its up to OP whether this behaviour is a deal breaker to her and whether she wants to remain in the relationship to see if he is able to work on controlling himself.

I do get really tired of this ' autism is not an excuse'. Its not an excuse to face up the reality of the additional relationship difficulties that can exist with someone with autism. Some people are not able to control aspects of their autism, or at least not consistently. Saying autism is used as an excuse is like saying they are choosing the destructive behaviour and could overcome it with sheer will if they wanted to. This may not be the case. People with autism are hard wired differently from NT people and that needs to be faced up to honestly. It is better to be honest and realistic about this, and to decide if it is something that makes the relationship unworkable or not.

Another poster with a grumpy dh who has self diagnosed autism as the excuse...weirdly didn't have it in his 20s and was fine to travel and so on but when faced with having to travel with children he says its far to much and he must be masking..
Not that it's hard and what the hell does he think all other parents/guardians do ...typical

It is not unusual for someone's autistic behaviours to only really become problematic when they have children. That happened to me and it has happened to other mother's whose H was autistic that I know. My H was not diagnosed till our eldest was 9. Having children really showed that there was something seriously different about him, and not in a good way.

The key word here is MAY.

I don't know about the autism or other ASD issues but I'm glad he accepted there is a problem and tried to talk about it.

Seems he's finding family life extremely stressful and probably needs some help whatever the reasons behind it.

I've found telling DH how I hate conflict and detest rudeness allows me to step in when he gets himself on the circle of dispute.

You have to decide if you want to help him or just say I've had enough.

Yep that’s true.

But this man still works. He hasn’t had a burnt out or an autistic burnt out from work. He hasn’t been made redundant recently due to his behaviour at work…..

Id be much more convinced it’s ‘just’ autism if those reactions were visible at other times, at work etc….

Well yes, may.

He may or may not have autism.

If he does, he may or may not be able to exercise some control over aspects of his behaviour.

But the fact is NT person can be expected to manage their behaviour, if they want to, even if they need to access support to do so. This may not be the case for a person a ND. ND people are wired differently (and they are not all wired the same) and for some their ND will mean that they may not be able to modify their behaviour. There is a need to be aware of this.

Autism my fucking arse.

Is he ever

1. Passive-Aggressiveness

2 Show Envy and Resentment to people better off than him 3 Emotionally Manipulative In addition to everything mentioned? Because alot of his behaviour sounds narcissistic.

Because I am undergoing a diagnosis for autism, and I get very stressed outside and stressed travelling. Get drained being around lots of people. Yet I don't yell at waiters and airport staff like a nob.

The trouble is, it may not be 'accepting he has a problem'. But instead, simply creating an alabi.

He knows he went too far and is now trying to cover his ass.

And also, any time op pulls him up in future she may be made to look the bad guy because 'you know I'm depressed' or 'it was the autism speaking, I can't help it'.

My money would be on him not getting help. Or it'll be 'it takes 6 months to get seen for a diagnosis' and during that time he gets worse and then ultimately decides actually he doesn't have autism, his behaviour is valid or he has autism and he knows it and 'getting a diagnosis won't change anything so why bother'. And continues to be a prick.

That's all fine and good. Except he knew how to behave when younger and knows how to behave when it suits him. I doubt very much that he walks around his job calling women "bitch" and having temper tantrums when things don't go his way. His ability to turn on and off his "autism" is quite remarkable.

In fact, he had the trifecta of excuses;
Depression
Autism
Stress
Along with a myriad of minor "reasons" he behaves as he does. He did miss out on using PTSD.

Sometimes, it's just that someone is a jerk, has anger issues and a lack of patience, along with the feeling that everyone should kowtow to them.

Great. Nice of him to stress you out on your one family holiday. Is he always this selfish?

See, this just shows a lack of understanding of autism.

Not all autistic people have burn out or get sacked from jobs due to their behaviour

That doesn't mean they are able to adapt and cope with operating in a family.

Its not either get sacked or be able to adapt fine to family life and there is nothing inbetween.

My Ex never had burn our and never got sacked yet all his difficulties in being a parent and co-parent were rooted very clearly and firmly in his autism. This was the assessment of both the parenting support service and the autism service.

He has the selective kind of autism that only shows up when he has been exceptionally rude(apparently that's a sign now). And he needs a good excuse.
Oh he was also rude in the past, like not wanting other people to inconvenience his time table for the day...so definitely autism .
He is not just a plain rude selfish man .

Also very narcissistic? Always the victim and it's never their fault

I really hope ‘I think I have autism’ doesn’t become the new excuse for shitty male behaviour. It’s particularly insulting to people who actually have autism

Oh give it a rest! It's done now and you aren't persuading anyone else

My hope is the other way around.

That autism advocates stop pretending that any difficult and unpleasant or downright awful behaviours are not due to autism at all.

Its really dismissive of the experience and knowledge of spouses.