To have ditched twat DH at the airport and gone on holiday without him?

[AskingForTacos]

I’m 32 and have never had a holiday abroad. It’s a combination of things really, growing up I had 2 disabled siblings and it wasn’t practical or financially possible to travel. Had a couple of caravan holidays in the rain but hated them as it unsettled my siblings and everybody was stressed.

Became a single mum at 21 (DD now 11), so once again couldn’t afford holidays. Met DH 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old DS. DH has been well-travelled over the years, but hasn’t had a holiday since meeting me as we’ve been saving up for general life expenses. The end of last year I have a bereavement and became quite sentimental, emotional about my children and general life experiences and sort of had a “grab life by the reins” moment and told DH I wanted to have a sunny family holiday together, and he agreed. We’re both a bit tight and I also don’t cope with overly hot weather (anything above 25 degrees is too much) so have chosen to go in March and set off early this morning. And before anybody asks yes I’m going to pay the fine from DD school.

Flight was with Ryanair. I had a checked bag for mine and the toddler’s stuff, DD had a 10kg carry on. Mine and DD’s bags were full but within guidelines. DH travels light so decided to just take a personal bag and filled it to the brim. He even ordered some sort of zip extension thing from Amazon to make it close more than it naturally should. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Me, DD and the baby sail through the gate and he gets stopped. I asked, in fact, begged him to just pay the extra charge so we could be on our way, we could afford it. It could’ve just been chalked up a lesson learnt, but no, he had to be a dick about it. He was abusive to staff and called a girl who only looked about 20 a “jobsworth bitch”. At this point, he was told he would not be travelling (rightly so). He changed his tune then and tried to pay the fine but they weren’t having it. It was like an episode of Airline circa 1999. He then started an irritating speech about how it’s disgraceful etc etc and tried to get us all escorted out with him. I initially was going to go with him because I was stressed but DD was absolutely devastated as she’s been looking forward to the holiday for months. She started crying and I decided me and the kids would still go.

We arrived a few hours ago and are settled in our hotel but I’m on edge. I’ve spoken to him on the phone and he thinks I was a cow for leaving him. He’s coming out tomorrow on a different flight (from a different airport...) and I’m dreading it. On the phone he said we should’ve all gone out tomorrow together. It’s only a 7 night holiday and who knows when the next one will be so for me every second counts especially as we wanted a combination of excursions and chilling days in the resort. If we flew out tomorrow we'd only get 2 resort days not to mention paying for all new flights. He’s not physically abusive or anything like that, I’m not scared, I just can’t be arsed listening to the moaning. Was I wrong to go without him?

I hope it all works out well in the end for all of you.

I'd keep an eye on the insulting behaviour towards others like the staff at the airport. Along with other things, it would be important to address this, as it would be nerve racking any time he goes away to anticipate a meltdown again.

Enjoy your holiday, all of you.

I did make it clear that potential autism/depression is no excuse for the misogynistic abuse of service staff, and I stated that it disgusted me especially as I’ve worked in the customer service industry. Also exposing the kids to foul language. They were about to board their first ever flight to their first ever holiday and it should’ve been a happy exciting time and he ruined that.

he acknowledges this and says he doesn’t know why he does it but he just gets “so angry”. He hopes to gain some insight through speaking with the GP

It sounds really positive OP, I hope you can all have a good holiday, with hope for moving forward more positively.

Looking back I can see that there’s been lots of little traits of autism actually that I just brushed off as him being awkward. When we took newborn DS to visit an elderly great aunt of mine, my great aunt wanted us all to pop across the road with the baby to visit her dear friend. The friend had mobility issues and was housebound and my great aunt knew that a baby cuddle would make her day. I was absolutely fine with this especially as I’ve met her friend several times. DH made a big thing of it, about how it “wasn’t part of the plan for the day” and how he hadn’t expected anyone else other than my great aunt to hold the baby. Also kept checking his watch and freaking out that Tesco’s was going to close (it was a Sunday) even though we only needed a couple of little bits which we could’ve gotten from the corner shop anyway.

In the end I got frustrated and sent him shopping to get him out of the way. There’s plenty of other little examples like this come to think of it.

anyway, going to log off for now I think and enjoy the holiday. Thank you for the support everyone, I may post again as we go through this

You’ve clearly only got the good attendance part, what a shame really.

It makes for a very dogmatic, boring poster as you’ve proved so eloquently on here.

Op, consider holidays on your own with your DC. You did the hardest bit alone on this holiday, flying, getting to the hotel. Your DC were happy playing in pool etc.

My DH wasn’t a fan of holidays with small children. I just went on my own with the DC for a few years. We had a lovely time. I kept it very chill and low key, did what suited the DC, happy DC meant happy Mommy. I stayed half board or AI. We all had a lovely relaxing time.

Don’t lose out because your DH finds it too stressful. A week/10 days on your own with DC can be absolutely lovely. And you will still have annual leave remaining that you can do something in UK that includes your DH.

Good luck OP and I hope you all enjoy the holiday. Look for joy in even the littlest things.

Great post! You’ve hit the nail
on the head.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to dismiss the autism / depression potential out of hand either, if it was me, but I think I'd have reservations. Especially as he hasn't been diagnosed with either but is already using them as an excuse for his bad behaviour.

I'd be keeping an eye out to see if this "stress" ruins things are solely enjoyable for him. Days out with friends, etc. If it mysteriously only rears its head to sabotage your plans, then he's being a controlling fun sponge

He might well be autistic. And it might well explain those quirks.
But I’d be VERY careful to put all his outburst/anger/moods/refusing to engage/needing time alone etc… all at the feet of autism.

Autistic people do struggle. It’s a disability for a reason. They do need accommodations in place.
But theyre also humans. And just like NT, they can be spiteful, angry, avoidant etc etc…
Its not an easy task to try and accommodate ASD whilst also keeping (healthy) boundaries.

That's a really positive update. It's so good you went ahead with the holiday. Firstly because you all get a holiday. Secondly because it's forced him to address an underlying serious issue he needs to tackle, which would just have been swept under the rug otherwise.

Well done to you for being supportive but also firm about angry outbursts not being acceptable. I am in admiration!

And YY about the fact he is using that as an excuse already.
Whether he is or isn’t autistic, he is a grown man. He can’t just expect people to ignore behaviours such as swearing at the airport staff ‘because he is autistic’.
Being autistic doesn’t automatically make you an angry person. I mean, he is working right? He wouldn’t date shouting ahd insulting someone else at work like that right? Then if he is autistic, whatever system that allows him to cope at work can also allow him to cope at the airport.

Holiday anxiety is a thing too. I worry horrifically before and during any time away from home, be it a weekend visiting the parents, a business trip or a summer vacation. I don't take that out on the staff though! He reacted very badly to having it. There's a bunch of self help stuff on the web, breathing exercises help a lot, though you do feel silly doing them. I take Kalms in the run up to big "away from homes". I tend to find it calms down a lot once i'm at my destination. I don't get anxiety around other things, just if hubby or myself is away from home.

This experience will leave him very anxious around packing and airport rules in future. Have him do a CBT course too.

Just before I log off yes I understand posters concerns about him using autism as an excuse for nasty behaviour. I’ll be on guard with that especially when he’s not had a formal diagnosis

I’m another that see no problem with taking children out of school. Mine doing really well at 3rd level. We took them out a week on most years, I hate crowds and prefer off season. Didn’t do them a bit of harm, in fact the opposite, it enhanced their lives.

he says he’d been dreading this holiday and the “stress”

dreading unexpected fees,

He denies that he deliberately overpacked his bag to sabotage the holiday but admits he wouldn’t have been sorry if the holiday got cancelled over it.

Very convenient for him to have come out with this self diagnosis now, if he was really "dreading unexpected fees" then he would have gone out of his way to make sure that didn't happen, not gone out of his way to make sure it did happen purely as an opportunity to kick off and try and get the holiday cancelled, he must think you were born yesterday to believe that wasn't his intention.

I'm so glad you went without him, but OP you don't deserve this, he needs to talk to you like a grown up and put things in place for when he feels stressed and overwhelmed, or learn to walk off rather then bully and abuse people.

I really hope you enjoy the holiday, maybe this was what was needed to prove that you won't tolerate it any more.

My father was like this and was unbearable to live with. Everything had to be turned into a huge stressful pantomime, with endless faffing about and silly buggery, until he'd spread his stress to everyone else and ruined the day. He was an alcoholic, but continued this behaviour even when sober, so it must have been built in.

I don't know if I'd consider autism to be the cause. I always got the feeling it was about control - that he couldn't just go along with plans someone else had made. On the occasions it did seem to be anxiety, I felt he wanted to spread it around and drag everyone else down to that anxious state with him. Neither trait was appealing.

Oh my life! Don’t let the convenient self diagnosis be used as an excuse for him ruining your trip away! Even if he is diagnosed, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who behaves like this? Disability or not, diagnosis or not, you do have the right to choose if this is the life you want!

In the short term he could look into anger management counselling. My dad had similar issues and it really helped him, he was like a changed man. He had a lot
of issues from his childhood etc that were manifesting as angry rants over little things, quite similar to how you described.

Glad to hear from you OP.
Sounds like he has had time to really think, which is good. Don't put up with anymore of his shit behaviour on holidays, you and DC just enjoy yourselves.

I'm glad you got to update us before the thread filled up ☺️

@AskingForTacos
So glad to read your updates and that all is ok and you’ve had a good air clearing & very honest communication session both sides.

Shame it was brought to a head so dramatically like this but main thing is you’re all out there safely now, together as a family & have a big chunk of time together to bond, address issues & move forward positively.

Life is short, nobody is perfect, park your phone & get out in the sunshine making memories. Really hope you can all relax and enjoy your holiday now xx

Sounds like you had a fruitful conversation there OP & I hope that you can 'park' this & get on with having a really good holiday.

I work with vulnerable people who often have several complex needs & are in the Benefits system & I often have to deal with difficult and challenging behaviour. As PP have said, ASD isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, but can be a reason (there is a difference). People with ASDs can mis-read situations & often find it difficult to cope with stress. But a visit to your GP when you get home is a start.

Enjoy your holiday. 😘

So calling a young girl at the departure desk a jobsworth bitch is the way to do it, is it?