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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it MIL, is it DH or is it me?!

125 replies

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:43

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. MIL was widowed last May and I think DH and I did/have done a good job supporting her. She was round every evening and we took her out on weekends - she does have another son locally but most of her care has fallen on us- no problem at the time.

We have tried to scale this back but my issue is she stills calls to visit three times a week. DH works full time and I work four days. I’m finding it all way too much. My own mum visits twice but both times I’m normally on my own with DS and she gives me a bit of a breather.

I don’t work a Friday so like to go out for the day with DS and do something fun. I usually get back in time so MIL can see him before bed. I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem. Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

I was really bloody angry as I’ve knackered myself going above and beyond for both of them. AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to plan my life around her visits?! Surely 3 visits a week is excessive?

For context, MIL works part time and meets up with friends fairly regularly. Any time I bring it up it turns into a row and I’m made to feel like a terrible person. I’m just feeling so suffocated and don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Am I just being unkind?!

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/03/2025 09:45

Absolutely not unkind.

Not at all.

In fact, amazingly kind and caring.

It's more than enough. I would have gone crazy with feeling suffocated actually.

It's your h's problem. He makes it harder for you so he doesn't have to deal with it and say no to his mother. He's a coward.

Stand your ground. Do what you want and what you need to do.

Your mil does need to lean less on you. A lot less.

Original poster
oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:47

@SugarPlumpFairyCakesThank you! The more I think about it the more i start to resent him. I feel it’s time to start putting our own little family first and put his big boy pants on!

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 14/03/2025 09:48

If she comes, carry on with your routine. Make no allowance for her. If she wants entertainment, she is DH’s problem until his part of the routine comes along.

More importantly, keep on with dc’s routine.

Namerequired · 14/03/2025 09:51

Why can’t she just come anyway and spend time with her son? Surely you and ds don’t have to be there every time?

Original poster
oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:52

TheSandgroper · 14/03/2025 09:48

If she comes, carry on with your routine. Make no allowance for her. If she wants entertainment, she is DH’s problem until his part of the routine comes along.

More importantly, keep on with dc’s routine.

This is what I try to do- we obviously have lots to do when we’ve just got in from work! DH normally does bath/pjs but while I’m trying to cook, tidy up, make lunches, put shopping away etc she’s following me around gossiping about people I’ve never heard of and it’s getting me down!

OP posts:
Original poster
oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 14/03/2025 09:54

So she works part time and sees friends etc on her terms, but you can’t do that because you have to accommodate her wants?! Ehhh no!

It should be up to your H to deal with but if he won’t I would just ring her and tell her you won’t be back.

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 09:55

Your DH is using you to shield himself from his mother, he wants you there so she leaves him alone
Don't let him, do what you would ordinarily do and if you are there for her visits great and if not DH will ahve to deal or tell her she can't come.
As long as you aren't being deliberately nasty to her or avoiding her (unless she is awful) then no need to feel bad.

RedCatBlueCatYellowCat · 14/03/2025 09:55

He has deflected the fact he forgot about you being out into it being your fault.
His mum, his problem on this occasion, although I would probably in general try to be accommodating until past the first year since she was widowed.

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/03/2025 09:56

When she starts yakking at you tell her to go and chat to her son. Keep sending her to him. Zone out and make space for yourself.

TheSandgroper · 14/03/2025 09:56

Find her a seat in the kitchen and put her in it and tell her to stay there. “I have things to do here “. I have told my darling mil that her chat was going a degree to far (Kevin Bacon degrees here) and I wasn’t going to listen to it.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/03/2025 10:00

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

Making things difficult because he. Ant actually be arsed to make the effort himself?

He's a prize, isn't he?

I'd tell him his mother is his responsibility. Not yours.

parakeet · 14/03/2025 10:01

I don't think a grandparent popping round three times a week is necessarily excessive, if everyone gets on. But it is unreasonable if you are feeling suffocated - and if it interferes with you going out on your one day off work with your son.
As you see so much of her, and sometimes without DH present, it would make sense for you to communicate with her directly. Next time, send a friendly message - "Sorry, this Friday I won't be back til 8.00 then it will be a quick bath and betime so a visit won't work. See you Monday as usual?"
For the general frequency of visits, can you discuss with DH in a calmer moment, that you'd like one of them to be at the weekend, when you are out and having time to yourself. Then it's really only two times a week.

AllotmentTime · 14/03/2025 10:18

I'm sure you know this, but really your mistake was letting DH know that you had overheard 😉 next time just go ahead with your plans!

outerspacepotato · 14/03/2025 10:29

I think your MIL and your husband are being problematic here.

It's been 10 months since your MIL was widowed and her visits are still excessive. This is the time when she needs to be finding her own way and making a new social life and routine without disrupting your family life with evening visits. You're now at the point where your MIL and husband expect you to schedule your Friday to cater to her wishes, not you and your son's. Your husband has dropped the ball here. His mom is his responsibility, not you and your child's. Your kid is not Prozac to be used for mil's comfort. Life is going to be getting busier for you as a family, your son is going to have friends and activities or is he expected to not get that because of mil and your husband's expectations?

MIL should be handling her own affairs. Your husband could pop over for a visit every week or two, but this constant visiting by her is using your family to soothe her loneliness and she's got to find other ways of doing that. Your husband is enabling her to not put new structures in place by using you and your child. He's actually holding her back in a way.

I'm a widow. It's hard getting used to being alone after being part of a couple for so long. But it was on me to make a new life for myself, not my kids.

harriethoyle · 14/03/2025 10:30

Your DH is a plonker and using you a shield so he doesn't have to look bad. Just go out as you want and if MIL has arranged a visit with him, he will have to entertain her. if she arranges it with you make her fit into your plans not vice versa.

LightDrizzle · 14/03/2025 10:33

Hoppinggreen · 14/03/2025 09:55

Your DH is using you to shield himself from his mother, he wants you there so she leaves him alone
Don't let him, do what you would ordinarily do and if you are there for her visits great and if not DH will ahve to deal or tell her she can't come.
As long as you aren't being deliberately nasty to her or avoiding her (unless she is awful) then no need to feel bad.

100% this!

And it’s so common. So many people of both sexes have completely different expectations of men versus women in this regard: women must “entertain” and maintain social harmony.

Rhaidimiddim · 14/03/2025 10:40

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:52

This is what I try to do- we obviously have lots to do when we’ve just got in from work! DH normally does bath/pjs but while I’m trying to cook, tidy up, make lunches, put shopping away etc she’s following me around gossiping about people I’ve never heard of and it’s getting me down!

Show quote history

That sounds like a nightmare. It would drive me nuts.
You need to get through to him that this is untenable, but how you do that when he doesn't have a problem with her dropping in all the time, I don't know.

BarneyRonson · 14/03/2025 10:44

Your mother in law is at a vulnerable period. Your husband, her son, can help her. You don’t need to shun or hurt her, or feel unduly pressurised, if her son steps up to the situation for the women in his life.

carrotsandtomatoes · 14/03/2025 10:44

You are not making his life difficult. You are just not contorting yourself into degrees of inconvenience for yourself and your dc to make his life easy.

put that to him.

carrotsandtomatoes · 14/03/2025 10:46

BarneyRonson · 14/03/2025 10:44

Your mother in law is at a vulnerable period. Your husband, her son, can help her. You don’t need to shun or hurt her, or feel unduly pressurised, if her son steps up to the situation for the women in his life.

That’s the point. He’s not stepping up. He’s expecting the OP to step up so he can continue with no disruption

Dolambslikemintsauce · 14/03/2025 10:46

Dh can host her then.... He can make tea and gossip. You carry on your routine or go out.. My ils came on a Monday. Every bloody week
. At 8.30 am..
Until dc went to bed.... If they turned up.. Having obviously accidentally driving an hour in our direction I simply went out.. And took dc if they had a class or whatever.. Dh knew where the kettle was...

FortyElephants · 14/03/2025 10:52

This would be unbearable. Can you persuade DH to move to a new area so you don't have both mums on your doorstep?! I realise you like seeing your mum but your lives feature both mums very heavily. How are you supposed to be an independent family when you have a mum at your house more or less daily?!

Freshflower · 14/03/2025 10:53

Not unkind at all. 3x a week is very excessive and no you should not have to plan your life around her visits. It's OK to say we will be out and won't be back until late and any decentperson would understand. Why should you have to stay in and wait for her visit.
It's probably turned into a habit/expectation of hers since you allowed her over every evening. Honestly these kinds of mums and their sons drive me up the wall

Mabiscuit · 14/03/2025 11:00

I definitely would not be coming home early for her visits. I'd ask if I could leave my DS with her until DH gets home while I go shopping, cinema, theatre or just catch up with friends. I'd love if my MIL would bring mine out but she's not interested. She might stop coming around regularly if you keep asking for babysitting help.