Is it MIL, is it DH or is it me?!

[oaktree79]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. MIL was widowed last May and I think DH and I did/have done a good job supporting her. She was round every evening and we took her out on weekends - she does have another son locally but most of her care has fallen on us- no problem at the time.

We have tried to scale this back but my issue is she stills calls to visit three times a week. DH works full time and I work four days. I’m finding it all way too much. My own mum visits twice but both times I’m normally on my own with DS and she gives me a bit of a breather.

I don’t work a Friday so like to go out for the day with DS and do something fun. I usually get back in time so MIL can see him before bed. I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem. Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

I was really bloody angry as I’ve knackered myself going above and beyond for both of them. AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to plan my life around her visits?! Surely 3 visits a week is excessive?

For context, MIL works part time and meets up with friends fairly regularly. Any time I bring it up it turns into a row and I’m made to feel like a terrible person. I’m just feeling so suffocated and don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Am I just being unkind?!

Agree you shouldn’t have mentioned it - I would have let her turn up and let your DH deal with the fall out.

I’m trying to think of ways me and DS can not be home when she wants to call round. It’s difficult when she says she’s calling in for ‘10 minutes’ at any point right up until bedtime!

I should add MIL does guilt trip him and says how upset she’s been. I’m not saying she isn’t, she’s grieving, but she’s more than capable of using that card in her favour unfortunately. I obviously can’t accuse her of this to DH!

This exactly. And as much as I’m sure she loves seeing her grandchild (and you too as you sound lovely) she probably really wants some one on one time with her own son too.

If I’ve understood this right, when she comes round her son (your DH) is home too but she spends her time trailing around after you rather than chatting to him? Even though he is with her DGS, whom she is presumably there to see too?

Sounds like the reason the care has fallen mainly on you guys rather than more evenly between you and her other son is because you are there and she (and FiL) didn’t bring their sons up to do any emotional labour.

I think you may need to start changing this up a bit with your routine and leave the worrying about her to your DH. If he’s going to be home Friday there was no need to remind DH that you were going to be late. She could have turned up and chatted with him instead of following you around.

If you can’t just send her up to chat with DH while he’s doing DS’s night time routine, maybe start planning on going out one evening a week when she’s due to come round. Prep dinner before hand (cook double and freeze half one night a week so you have something to pull out of the freezer a couple of weeks later) and find an evening thing to go to. If going out is not appealing, put the frozen meal in the oven and have work you have to get done for tomorrow or a migraine, or something. The point is to just leave the responsibility for entertaining her to your DH.

And when you are thrown together, take control a little of the conversation with MiL. Presumably she has some nice qualities if you’ve been able to tolerate her up till now. Tel her, as nicely as you can, that you have no idea who she’s talking about and redirect the conversation to ground you will enjoy more or ask her to choose some music to put on or something. And give her a task to do. It sounds like she has a habit of filling space with prattle, which I think is a fairly common tactic from people who feel a pressure to keep conversation going. Give her pointers to what she can fill the space with that won’t drive you to distraction.

But to answer your AIBU - it’s your DH, he’s the one who’s being U.

He’s the one making your life difficult, not the other way round. Next time just be out with the kids and don't remind him.

Don't put your foot down just allow him to deal with the visits he arranges
.
You had already told him you will be out, so his arrangement is between him and his Mum

Nothing to do with you, so don't involve yourself and by extension get caught as the bad guy, just allow him to deal with it
Step away, don't react

You tell him you're out
He agrees his Mum can come
You tell him off, he gets defensive, blames you and an argument ensues.

You tell him you're out
He agrees his Mum can come .You do nothing, don't react
Go out ...

Maybe: “Great! MIL is here! I’ll leave you two to catch up. I’m off to the gym.”

Is she the kind of person that could actually be helpful and put the kids to bed?

I would honestly just treat her like the member of the family she wants to be rather than a guest (I don't mean that in a mean way towards either of you by the way!)

Sure, let her in, say "<your son> is in the living room, I'm busy with laundry/putting our son in the bath - I'll pop in if I can in a bit".

If DH is ALSO busy - it's his mum, he can entertain her while doing whatever he is doing, and get a flavour of what you are experiencing. If you're out - then you're out. Don't rearrange just because she's forgotten.

I'd also be having a go at him tbh, he is not having his life made more difficult because you said no. He's making your life difficult because he'd rather upset you than his mother.

This.
Can you go round your mum's when mil visits? husband and mil can do the babysitting and you get some grown up time. Until it inconveniences your husband it won't change.
I think you have been really kind but they are taking the piss.

I do feel for MIL.

My Dad was like this when my Mum died.

He was very lost for quite a while.

That said, you should be able to do what you have planned without it being a problem.

She sees her son & GC regularly so a few hours less of GC on the odd visit won't hurt.

Go out when she comes round and be less available when in the house. Find something to do and say sorry so you mind I need to concentrate on this why don't you go and spend time with DH and DS. Decide how much you want to see her per week, if it's once accommodate the first visit then be AWOL for the rest. And let DH deal with her.

You have an utterly pathetic ‘D’H problem.

I am incensed on your behalf, OP. Your husband is a total prick.

He "genuinely" cares only for himself and what he wants.
Most men are like this.
Even nice men can be like this.
Very very focused on what works best for them.
You have a choice whether you allow him to grund you down on this point.
The mistake is to be fearful of his opinion of you and whether you are "unkind" or not.
Focus on him being a selfish arse who is determined not to be put out caring for his mother.
He is bullying you by calling you names like unkind, just because you no longer wish to carry the huge burden of his mother.

Far better for you to say I don't care if you think I am selfish or unkind, I am not entertaining your mother constantly. If you want this to become a huge issue in our marriage then that is your decision, but I am no longer tolerating it.

It sounds as if the dynamic in your general relationship is not great as you have been doing far too much for too long.

Bullying you and grinding you down to care for his mother so he doesn't have to, is abusive.

Call Womens aid for a chat.
Because my friend felt driven out of her own home by her MIL and her husband not wanting to spend time with her on his own, and that was abusive.

He had to work very hard to stop her going ahead with the divorce as such was her resentment.

Take this seriously now, before the marriage is permanently damaged by his selfishness.
Because he is being very selfish.

Making his life difficult? All he’s bothered about is his mum’s babysitter missing a shift.

YANBU at all. He’s congratulating himself on how supportive he’s being to his mum when actually you’re the one doing the support.

If she wants to come round to see DS but it's near bedtime, just say there's no point because he's going to bed in 15 minutes. If she asks "well when, then?", give her a time that works for you.

If she insists on still coming over, leave your DH to deal with her after you take DS up to bed. Once he's down, go and have your shower or do whatever you'd normally do after you've put him down. It's your house, your life, and she's his mum. You've got your own family to deal with.

Your DH's afraid of his DMs distress and his own grief, he can't cope so he's passed this all on to you. It's the classic women's work thing- he thinks as a woman you'll deal better with your MIL- but the poor woman really wants to see her son and , no doubt, your BIL who doesn't seem to visit.
Of course you feel invaded Op, three times a week is a lot to visit, especially when it's gone on for months

Can't your DH go and see her once a week? Maybe drop in after work for a cup of tea, or take her some fish & chips on a Friday? Either way, it's his mother, not yours and your home, not hers. It is not unkind to have boundaries, in fact in the long run it protects relationships.

3 times a week is too much, especially if it’s always her to you.

Can’t you suggest DH takes your child and visits her at the weekend? Maybe if it inconveniences her she may get the hint!

I’m a widow too. And some people handle the grief storms and the completely different life better/differently than others. I lost my husband very suddenly and 9-10 months later - which is where OP’s MiL is now - I was only just coming to terms with it. There’ve been many threads on MN which are quite cruel when it comes to bereavement, and some of the posters here would do well to remember that they have a 50/50 of experiencing the devastation of losing your life partner. Grief and coming to terms with your new life isn’t a one size fits all process. Some people just take longer than others, and being treated like a nuisance less than 12 months after losing a partner is very cold.

Come home when you planned. She can have quality time with her son or wait until next week, as she chooses. Communicate directly with her, so she knows what to expect.

As your son gets older he will have more going on and you will have to scale back both grandmothers.

Or - and here’s a thought - OP and her DH could recognise that it’s still very early in the grieving process and so much will have changed in MiL’s life that she probably just finds comfort in being with family. They could start supporting her to find other interests as the weather gets better and encourage her to be more independent, instead of dropping hints that her bereavement is an inconvenience.

to answer your question OP. No. It is DH and MIL who are being unreasonable.

As a pp said he is using you to shield himself from her.. and that's really annoying.

Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

You gave him plenty of warning about being out.. she's a frequent visitor who needs to blend in rather than an honoured guest that you have to pull out all the stops for.

I think you've been more than accomodating.

PILs used to always phone and interrupt the routine, especially on School nights and keep me on the phone criticising when the DC eventually began running amuck in the background. I was much meeker then and it took me a while to realise that I didn't have to be available everytime someone else thought I should and my own life and priorities like getting ready for school and putting my children to bed came first... they had a son they could pester instead!

Be "difficult OP! own it! in the firmest, nicest possible but completely unmoveable way. Be very sweetly but unquestionably reasonable and utterly amazed that anyone would have the temerity to suggest you should do otherwise.

In otherwords, your DH doesn't get to hide away watching Midsomner Murders, whilst you deal with your child's bedtime AND his mother!! And you gave up one fifth of your wages to spend valuable time on your child and your own concerns. Not to sacrifice that time to be available to do someone else's bidding.

Your DH needs to step up.

Wow. Poor woman. She probably thinks she has a lovely supportive DIL (which she does) who welcomes her and has no idea she has become an inconvenience.

This is a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

Her husband died less than a year ago. In terms of mental health, you would expect grief to still have a huge impact on her mental health. Most people start to move on from the acute phase of grief after about 6 months and start feeling enjoyment in life but it is normal to still have periods of acute grief for a year or two. She still needs a lot of support. Your DH needs to step up to the plate.

You need to look after yourself and your DC too though, OP. It would be kind and compassionate to find a way to keep your MIL integrated in your family life without it being disruptive. Would changing the arrangements to coming at a set time just for dinner less often make the visits easier? You could frame it as you are always too busy to give her your full attention when she just pops in. Would she like to help out with babysitting/childcare? She feels involved in her family, you get a night off from her and the DC. Win win!

Or your DH needs to take responsibility for looking after his DM.