Is it MIL, is it DH or is it me?!

[oaktree79]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. MIL was widowed last May and I think DH and I did/have done a good job supporting her. She was round every evening and we took her out on weekends - she does have another son locally but most of her care has fallen on us- no problem at the time.

We have tried to scale this back but my issue is she stills calls to visit three times a week. DH works full time and I work four days. I’m finding it all way too much. My own mum visits twice but both times I’m normally on my own with DS and she gives me a bit of a breather.

I don’t work a Friday so like to go out for the day with DS and do something fun. I usually get back in time so MIL can see him before bed. I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem. Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

I was really bloody angry as I’ve knackered myself going above and beyond for both of them. AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to plan my life around her visits?! Surely 3 visits a week is excessive?

For context, MIL works part time and meets up with friends fairly regularly. Any time I bring it up it turns into a row and I’m made to feel like a terrible person. I’m just feeling so suffocated and don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Am I just being unkind?!

That's easily solved. Every time she turns up when you are busy, send her upstairs to assist with the dc's bathtime.

I'm just wondering - why doesn't she call her son to arrange visits rather than calling (or texting) you?

Maybe it's time for a new phone number...

Your issue is you are making this about MIL.

It needs to be about you, how you feel, what you want,

If DH says MIL is coming Friday a you say, oh that’s a shame me and DS are out for the day, we have biscuits and there’s some left over chicken.

If DH say MIL in popping in for 10 mins - you say ‘Oh I was planning an early night - that’s a shame!’

Change the language!!

Ask you DH how he would feel if your mum came round 3 times a week and followed him round gossiping about people he didn't know, while he was busy trying to put the children to bed.

Just a gentle reminder — the first anniversary of your FIL’s death is approaching. The run up to any anniversary is hard but the first is really difficult. I really struggled for about 6 weeks before it.
Your MIL is still adjusting to being me instead of us. Your DH may also find the anniversary difficult. Maybe go easy on her until May is over then try to establish a routine that suits your family life better, can MIL take your dc to the park or soft play one day a week, just for a couple of hours, or invite her to lunch or tea on one day. Gradually she’ll find her new way but early in it’s really difficult on your own.

What a cheek from him!

How old is she?

I think the problem here is your husband not really the MIL. You need to stand up to him, whatever names he has for you just tell him its water off a ducks back, you know your not unkind, he is a selfish prick tbh!

I'm from a culture where if either of the husbands parents become widowed, they move in with one of the sons... we also get told (mainly by old people) that kids should be closer the paternal grandparents and my IL's get really bothered if I spend time with my family.

BUT despite these strong and awful cultural opinions my DH has created a safe space for me in our own home and we go to IL's instead of them disrupting my routine and social life with my friends family etc. I would say most definitely you have DH problem. I do feel for your MIL losing her other half and I try to imagine the feeling but can't so it's lovely you spend time with her but your DH should go himself, she'd love to see him as he is her son and it takes the load off you

This, but also ‘oh great, that means I can pop over to see Sarah, she’s been a bit down and needs some support’. Maybe Sarah needs a lift to Tesco, or you want to go to a yoga class, or whatever… take your time back. I get that you won’t always want to go out, but given a choice between the two available options…

I had similar with exMIL. It caused massive resentment and years later, I’m still bitter about some things, and the way exH prioritised her was a significant contributory factor to my divorce.

Also - ‘you never make things easy for me’ -when does he make things easy for you? Get him to give specific examples, preferably around three each and every week… As others have said, he finds it easier to upset you than his mum. Yes, it’s good to be kind but only if it’s not killing you to do so! No point reaching burn-out.

This. All day long. There are some awful posts here.

Yes, cold, from her own son.

I agree. I don’t think the problem is MiL, I think OP has a DH problem.

Of course she’s upset and that’s to be expected, but it’s not YOUR responsibility to manage! Would your DH babysit and look after your mum if the situation was the same?

Your DH is lazy. He wants you to entertain his mum for him. He’s turned it on you when you stepped out of sync.

You need to take tiny steps back without letting on to him. Start encouraging him to go round to hers, come back later and let him deal with her.

I used to do everything for my in-laws and got no thanks and they are rude to me, so I dropped the rope. Now DH has to deal with them.

Encourage him to see her alone and when she is at yours give her things to do to help out. I couldn’t just sit there and yap whilst my DIL got home from work and juggled shopping and cooking. I’d be in there telling her to sit down, I’d crack open a bottle and pour her a glass and help cook the dinner.

Also when she does come round in the evening send her up to help with bathing pjs and bed. Something along the lines of "I'm sure you want to see GC why don't you go on up and help DH with bedtime routine"

I agree. I don’t think the problem is MiL, I think OP has a DH problem.

And MIL has a son problem!

Encourage him to see her alone and when she is at yours give her things to do to help out. I couldn’t just sit there and yap whilst my DIL got home from work and juggled shopping and cooking. I’d be in there telling her to sit down, I’d crack open a bottle and pour her a glass and help cook the dinner.

I too am the kind of MIL who pours DIL a glass of wine and cooks dinner (and folds her knickers… 😂) but as I have learnt from MN, not everyone appreciates their MIL helping out. Her MIL might not chip in like OP’s DM because she is wary of overstepping the mark or just because that is not their family culture.

It’s not for OP to deal with, it should be her DH, but encouraging her to help out might be a way to turn this into a more positive relationship and situation that benefits everyone.

Sounds like she invites herself which I would not like. Surely it's basic manners to ask if it suits you first. That would really irritate me!
Your husband is being VERY unreasonable. I understand his mum is bereaved but it sounds like she has other forms of support, and things to fill her time. If your husband is so interested in supporting HIS mum he should do what you suggest and pop in on his way home from work for a tea / coffee with her, or take her somewhere himself.
It's really unfair to you, I think. In your shoes I'd think it reasonable to have my MIL round once a week (maybe, if possible, negotiate a set day each week would help...stops the lines getting blurred and makes it very clear what you are happy with). Anything beyond that should be down to your husband. There's literally nothing to stop him entertaining his mother all by himself sometimes!
MIL / DH may complain she's not seeing her DGD enough or there is an imbalance between how often your mum and she see DGD... but, in that case, there's nothing to stop your DH taking her to him mum's alone occasionally, is there?

Tell her to arrange visits with dh. Get out of the middle. Neither you nor ds are prozac for grieving widows.

You honestly don’t think 3 times a week is too much to be dropping round someone’s house@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy?

I think you need to leave the house, even if it's to drive around the corner and read a book in a cafe or your car when she rocks up with 10 minutes' notice. Tell your DH, 'fantastic, you and your mum can spend some time together, just you and the DC, I'm going out for a much needed break.'

Every time.

I don’t think it is for some people- depends on the family- but the issue here is the DH is outsourcing his mum to his wife.

It's her. Plus being enabled by DH. Sounds really annoying. The way she's carrying on would get on my nerves. As others have said just carry on emptying the dishwasher, doing spellings, having an early night etc. I might well disappear off for a bath never to return. I have a busy job that requires lots of talking so l can often just about talk to my husband so people appearing round my house randomly doesn't work to me