Is it MIL, is it DH or is it me?!

[oaktree79]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. MIL was widowed last May and I think DH and I did/have done a good job supporting her. She was round every evening and we took her out on weekends - she does have another son locally but most of her care has fallen on us- no problem at the time.

We have tried to scale this back but my issue is she stills calls to visit three times a week. DH works full time and I work four days. I’m finding it all way too much. My own mum visits twice but both times I’m normally on my own with DS and she gives me a bit of a breather.

I don’t work a Friday so like to go out for the day with DS and do something fun. I usually get back in time so MIL can see him before bed. I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem. Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

I was really bloody angry as I’ve knackered myself going above and beyond for both of them. AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to plan my life around her visits?! Surely 3 visits a week is excessive?

For context, MIL works part time and meets up with friends fairly regularly. Any time I bring it up it turns into a row and I’m made to feel like a terrible person. I’m just feeling so suffocated and don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Am I just being unkind?!

Man I LOVE my mother and I wouldn’t want her dropping over 3 times a week. And my MIL was awful. I would have tolerated it in the first year of widowhood but I would have expected my husband to be incredibly grateful to me for putting up with it.

Some horrible replies here. I agree that coming up to the 12 month mark is a hard time and perhaps the time to start resetting this is in a couple of months. Grin and bear it for now* would be my advice [but see below]. It is wearing but it does get better over time. Weirdly lockdown helped to break it up as she was in a bubble with us and I think we were all sick of the sight of each other with zero to talk about so we all just started to do our own thing more.

Personally and I've been in a similar position but with a MIL who really had no life outside of us for quite some time. Friday night is distinctly better than every Sunday lunch. Because frankly that ties up a quarter of your weekend when someone arrives at 1 and leaves at 8pm.

*You can start to set some gentle boundaries. You are quite within your rights to make your own plans on the day off you have created to spend time with your child. I would call her now if you haven't already to say that you gather that your DH forgot to tell her that you and DC would not be at home this eve. Just wanted her to know that it would just be her and DH and that you two were eating out at whatever you have planned. Have a nice time! If she's there when you get home, it's your DH that's the main attraction, if she's not, it's your child and you have options there.

Mix it up a bit. Maybe invite her to the odd Friday morning at a petting zoo or whatever and drop her home afterwards. Anything to stop it becoming a set routine. If your DC is not too small, send DC and DH to her to visit on a Saturday morning. If she's anything like my MIL she'll have a nice list of jobs for DH to do while she entertains DC and you can go out on a solo basis for a couple of hours.

The OP said her own Mum visits twice a week and she doesn't seem to mind that.

Under the circumstances I don't think three times a week is too outrageous. Poor woman, it is still very early days. I remember my own Mum needed to see her family as often as possible for the first couple of years she was widowed. After that she started to venture out and about on her own again.

However I agree the DH is the problem here expecting OP to take on the responsibility for his DM. In a few years time if she becomes old and frail and needs extra care, what's the betting he will expect OP to pick that one up as well.

OP, why do you and your son need to be there for her visits?
Can your husband not keep his mother company on his own.
You've gone over and above being kind. You carry on with your life, let your husband deal with his mother.

My MIL used to just turn up or invite herself over without asking or warning sometimes. Many times she used to turn up after church on a Sunday when we were still in bed and we had to rush around getting dressed etc. One Sunday I did not bother but just got up and had a leisurely breakfast and read the paper with her there and got a letter the following day saying how rude I had been in not making her feel welcome. I pointed out that she was being rude just expecting us to drop everything and in future she needed to let us know and we would tell her if it was convenient. Stopped her just turning up though.

I told my DH he needed to go and visit her more and that is what your DH should be doing. I would also be less inclined to listen to her prattling on about people you don't know and either direct her upstairs to your DH and DS or find a task or chore to do. Sitting down with her for 10 minutes or so once a week doesn't seem so bad though. Three times is too much especially if you work and have a young child. You need to carve out time for yourself and your DH needs to step up with his mum. Does he ever visit her?

It's not you. It is your MIL and your DH is culpable too. You wrote: "I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem." Your DH just forgot what you told him so he created an argument and tried to put it back on you. No, I wouldn't be having that at all. He got it wrong - he needs to fix it in a way that doesn't impact your and your DCs plans for this afternoon.

Mils are the equivalent of step children - related to partner but not to you. Some people get on great with both. Others feel they are not quite family so have to make effort. Probably why dh can't see the problem with mil visiting as she's his family.

Probably why dh can't see the problem with mil visiting as she's his family

Except he does have a problem when OP isn’t there to entertain his mother!!

He’s more than welcome to cost her and give OP a rest, or he could entertain his mother so she doesn’t follow OP round like a lost lamb!

But he doesn’t

That's not what's happening though. She is independent, she has friends, she works. Her son is piling all of it on his wife. Its too much for one person to deal with alone.

Stop letting him guilt trip you. If he tries then point it straight back at him about how he can't make the effort to go and see his mother in her own house.

I am in my 60's I have friends who have lost their partners/spouses and not felt the need to burden their children and their partners. They have got counselling, joined groups and continued seeing friends. There are also many like me who do not have children and will have to deal with it without collapsing on others. My dad is 94 lost mum 18 months ago and he is still fully independent.
Unfortunately you have enabled MIL to become entitled to do as she pleases. Husband is just stepping back and letting you shoulder the burden.

He has lost his father too. I agree that she shouldn't carry the burden, but your response is way OTT

How flexible is your Mum? Any chance of conspiring to have her pop over every time MIL says she's dropping by? They can entertain each other, and it might give DH and MIL some perspective on how intrusive such frequent visits can be.

What I find sad here is the apparent lack of understanding
None of these replies have picked up on the fact that your hubby is also grieving for his dad.
Need to ask yourself is your
DH truly present in the moment? and in any mental position to cope with his mum ? I feel he is avoiding
Yes its his mum to deal with and he is not stepping up, and leaving it all to you etc
But you need to ask him why he is backing away from his mum in this way. Is it too raw for him too ?Reminders? Does he feel that MIL is trying to replace FIL with him and he is backing off / unable to cope ?

Your MIL is seeking validation and living her life through you . She needs support from your H and she isn't getting it. A round the table talk is required. Get BIL involved too.
Grief counselling for Bil , H and MiL possibly required.But a serious chat about moving on is required it seems. Be honest with all of them. But first ask your husband is he ok maybe ?

All that you have said here is very true. I think OP is being kind and considerate though. Her husband is still grieving but his attitude to his wife isn’t always supportive. She is allowed to be flexible and had given him notice of her plans. It’s his response that is unfair.

Have a group discussion and say with all the stress of general ‘life work’ that she only comes round once in the week of only at weekends.

I need me time without having to make conversation. Do you want to use her for childcare do you can have time alone?

Honestly OP message her yourself as your asap clearly isn’t going to say no.

You couldn’t even give her a call and say “I just wanted to organise your visit days as I’m going to be out a bit more now the weather is getting better” and go from the there

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I had a calm chat with DH yesterday and said I don’t think it’s sustainable. We would like to try for another baby towards the end of the year so I questioned how he’d expect me to manage her when I’m pregnant or postpartum and he agreed that we’re not helping her in the long run.

We didn’t see her yesterday as DH was out in the morning and MIL out with a friend all afternoon. Today he has rung her bright and early to offer to go round on his own this morning and that we are busy this afternoon (we’re not 😂). It’s a start but I don’t see it lasting!

That's a start OP, work as a team with your DH and help him put those boundaries in place.
You've experienced how she can be like but he's grown up all his life with it.

Most men are ground down by the time they get married, so putting boundaries up isn't as easy.

Had to do it with DH. He's much better now but it takes time.

The guilt tripping is the worst and hard to refuse a widowed mother in need.

She'll be aware of her actions, but the more she's allowed to carry on, the more she'll think you're OK with it.

Suggest hubby visits her with the children once a week so she has no need to visit whilst u r busy.

@oaktree79 Well done it is a start, dont give in as it will soon escalate again. Typical as soon as it will impact your husband he agrees its too much (if he has to manage her!)

There's always on who has the most ridiculous suggestions. The solution to this isn't to move house to a new area 🤣

Can I ask why he always does the bath when she's around and you have to do the cleaning up. It seems as if he gets to hide upstairs while you entertain?

So you make things 'difficult' for him by suggesting he shares the support time, but he gets annoyed with you for feeling overwhelmed by her intrusion? He either needs to step up and take more of the care time over for his own mother, or tell her she needs to let you get on. If he won't do either, OP, you'll have to have a chat with her about the situation. Let her know that you need her to leave you alone to get on with your tasks. You've been working all day, you're frazzled and need some space to just finish your tasks.

Have you considered swapping tasks? You bathe the kids and he tries to get everything done while she pesters him? I'd be prepared to lay money on her taking over some of his tasks and, eg, making the dinner. And he might be more understanding of your issues.

It's a difficult situation and he's not being reasonable.

Don't have a second child with a man like this.
You deserve better.
Better to wait out to see is he prepared to actually manage this situation.
A second child will only make life a lot harder for you to juggle everything.