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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it MIL, is it DH or is it me?!

125 replies

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:43

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. MIL was widowed last May and I think DH and I did/have done a good job supporting her. She was round every evening and we took her out on weekends - she does have another son locally but most of her care has fallen on us- no problem at the time.

We have tried to scale this back but my issue is she stills calls to visit three times a week. DH works full time and I work four days. I’m finding it all way too much. My own mum visits twice but both times I’m normally on my own with DS and she gives me a bit of a breather.

I don’t work a Friday so like to go out for the day with DS and do something fun. I usually get back in time so MIL can see him before bed. I mentioned to DH earlier in the week that I wouldn’t be back as early this week and he said no problem. Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed. I reminded him and it turned into a huge row about how I never make things easy for him.

I was really bloody angry as I’ve knackered myself going above and beyond for both of them. AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to plan my life around her visits?! Surely 3 visits a week is excessive?

For context, MIL works part time and meets up with friends fairly regularly. Any time I bring it up it turns into a row and I’m made to feel like a terrible person. I’m just feeling so suffocated and don’t want to live the rest of my life this way. Am I just being unkind?!

OP posts:
BigDeepBreaths · 14/03/2025 11:20

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

You are not “making his life difficult”.

But you are not making his life easy by having his mothers visits revolve around you and DS instead of him. He wants you to support the system and carry the mental load and he will slot in when hes ready and willing. Do not let him emotionally blackmail you into enabling him to be a useless son.

My DH used to insist our entire family went to visits his DPs which involves a whole weekend and me engaging with the ILs to plan food, arrangements, timings, kids schedules etc. I now refuse and insist he goes alone from time to time because they actually want to see him, their son!! My MIL is lovely and we get along but she openly admits she wants to see DH above all. So i realised i was being a mug being so involved and shouldering the mental load for it all.

wishiwasjoking · 14/03/2025 11:32

Talk to BIL directly and arrange for him to have her one day a week. No one else needs to get involved.

candycane222 · 14/03/2025 11:53

Next time he accuses you of "making things difficult" say "you mean difficult for you because you don't think you should put yourself out in any way. Has it not occurred to you that YOU are just trying to make things difficult for ME so you don't have to bother? Because that is exactly what you are doing. Why don't you care if it's difficult for ME -when it's YOUR mother?"

Caroparo52 · 14/03/2025 12:29

You have gone above and beyond to date. I would definitely shake up the routine whilst still being there for mil. Arrange her visits when dh is home so she can chat to him too. Tell her directly that this friday your ds and I are going out. End.
But she's welcome to pop in xxxx .. when dh is home.

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2025 12:34

So he'd like you to make things easy for him, by making things hard for yourself!

That would be a no from me!

CosyLemur · 14/03/2025 12:49

We only ever get one side of the story here so it's impossible to say who's being unreasonable
So my advice is whatever you decide think what if it was my mum and my DH was saying/doing that to her.

If it would be reasonable for him to say/do to your mum then it's reasonable for you to do it to his. If not then it isn't.

Fuzzymuddle33 · 14/03/2025 12:54

The only person you sounds unreasonable is your husband.

Tiswa · 14/03/2025 13:03

your Husband is. Expecting him to handle his own mother rather than you isn’t you being difficult it is you having boundaries in place.

i would tell him how difficult he is making it for you and expecting you to carry it becuase he can’t be bothered. Expecting him to do this is what he needs to do

Panama2 · 14/03/2025 13:04

I think you have done a lot to help your MIL and you have been very understanding. However, it is less than a year ago she has been widowed and your DH has lost his father maybe they are both struggling a bit. Your DH does need to step up and not leave it to you but in terms of loss and grief it is still very early days.

Onlyonekenobe · 14/03/2025 13:07

Yeah, your DH is putting the mental and emotional work of dealing with his grieving mother on you. He's angry that you're pushing back on that.

I'm sure he's grieving too, but the one person who's least obligated is you.

Practically, I would just withdraw from them both in this part of your life. If she calls you, tell her to speak to DH. If she wants to make plans directly with you, make them so that they suit you both. If she makes plans with DH and he informs you of them, tell him you already have plans and they won't be changed.

Once a week on terms that work for everybody - fine.

Three times a week on terms that work for her and DH and not you - not fine.

Molstraat · 14/03/2025 13:10

Your husband is using you as carer/ entertainment for his mother.

You need to seriously decide is it worth it, because you have carer written all over you.

He doesn't care about you or your happiness.
Just another bully man not wanting to look after HIS mother and pushing it on you.

My friend moved to her parents for a break from her MIL constantly being at her home.

Telling her husband she wanted a divorce and the house sold helped him realise she was done being tolerant.

Take this seriously and do not have another child with him while he feels he can bully you like this.
Good men do not behave like this.

He needs to visit his mother at her house.

Namerequired · 14/03/2025 13:11

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

Sounds like he’s the issue then.

coxesorangepippin · 14/03/2025 13:12

Bear in mind your MIL hasn't minded putting you in this position

She doesn't give a shit about how YOU feel

She is being totally unreasonable

coxesorangepippin · 14/03/2025 13:14

Next time he accuses you of "making things difficult" say "you mean difficult for you because you don't think you should put yourself out in any way. Has it not occurred to you that YOU are just trying to make things difficult for ME so you don't have to bother? Because that is exactly what you are doing. Why don't you care if it's difficult for ME -when it's YOUR mother?"

^

This. It's easier for HIM if YOU do all the emotional leg work on HIS OWN mother

Sorry for the capitals, sick of all this shit from men

lifeonmars100 · 14/03/2025 13:17

you are being incredibly kind and empathetic, It is not as if she is totally isolated and you and your family are her only support. Of course she is only in the first year of being widowed and it must be very difficult for her and the anniversary of her bereavement will be looming. Having said that, you and your family need your space and time to live your lives.

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 13:20

Primarily a DH problem.

He doesn’t want to pop in and see her on his own, which I bet she would love. He wants YOU to bear the burden.

He can fuck right off. Tell him not to make social plans for you on your behalf. Or does he regularly spend time with your mother without you there?

Selfish bloke. Don’t correct him or change arrangements he makes that won’t work, just do your own thing and he can mop up the mess he makes.

NC10125 · 14/03/2025 13:20

Tell DH very clearly that if he's ever a dick again about the times when you aren't available to hang out with his mother without him there then you'll very soon match it to exactly how often he hangs out with your mother without you there. And not one day more.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 14/03/2025 13:21

So he wants you to always be there so YOU can entertain his mum while he does what he wants. That old chestnut.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/03/2025 13:30

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

I’d be inclined to tell him that supporting a widow through her grief is difficult. You have been doing so with compassion and patience but now it’s his turn and he is going to find out just how difficult that is

Avatartar · 14/03/2025 13:31

Tell him you’ve thought about it and decided you didnt accidentally hear him chatting to his mum.
The upshot is you are going out as originally planned, the rest is up to him.
Being difficult would be hearing him make the arrangements and you choosing to say nothing about his oversight ending up with his mum standing on your doorstep with no one home or shock horror him having to deal with her by himself

YesImawitch · 14/03/2025 13:32

Last night I overheard her say on the phone ‘I’m coming tomorrow’ and DH agreed

You need to step back and allow him to deal with the consequences here.
I wouldn't have said a word, just gone out as planned.
He's making you the bad guy, don't let him

Hellskitchen24 · 14/03/2025 13:33

I’d find this unbearable even if it was a relative or friend I was really close to. Once a week at most. I see close family or friends once a month or so and that’s plenty. 3 times a week is bonkers unless you live or work with them!

Original poster
oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 13:33

Thank you so much everyone, it’s a relief to hear I’m not being completely unreasonable! It’s just so hard to ‘put my foot down’ when I think he genuinely sees it as me being unkind/hating his mom- which isn’t the case but soon will be at this rate!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 14/03/2025 13:33

you don't have to plan your life around her visits. Just stop doing it.

Codlingmoths · 14/03/2025 13:34

oaktree79 · 14/03/2025 09:53

@Namerequiredthis is what I said! I’ve even suggested one of the night he pops round on his way home from work but I’m making things ‘difficult’

Tell him he’s being difficult by refusing to visit his own mother and if he thinks that’s fine then you bloody well don’t have to be here for her to visit. The nerve of him!