My child's watching porn

[Rosieperhaps]

My child 13 is searching porn on his tablet and phone, this results in long conversations and removal of devices, but every time he asks to be trusted and we give him another chance he is back on it. Parent controls deactivated when he turned 13 all I can do is reset his age to make him younger and put them back on, but I think he has created a new Google account. He says he has been influenced by a new school friend, we have blocked the friendship outside of school and spoken to school in detail, but I know from WhatsApp he is still in contact at school, same year group. Not wanting to permanently remove tech equipment if I can help it, what would you do, reset his age or provide him with a phone that does not go on the internet or ban all devices. I feel sick to my core that he is watching this

There’d be no devices. Tough shit. He can use a Nokia if he needs a phone and the family computer for homework if needs be.

Strip it right back, brick phone so he can make calls/text you if needed, but absolutely nothing beyond that.

I’m baffled you haven’t done this already if your child at 13 has been watching porn multiple times?

Parental controls via wifi so he can’t unlock them.
Only allowed access to devices when sitting with an adult.

Be a parent. Remove all tech. Talking/reasoning/negotiating has not and will not work so it’s time to step up.

No devices.

This!!!! Jesus OP if your 13 year old can't have tech without watching porn then he doesn't get the tech. Get rid of it, he doesn't get to use any.

What they all said

Parent

Farking hell. Child watching porn repeatedly but don't want to remove tech. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Agree with everyone else. Take the responsibility a 13 year old doesn't and shouldn't have and remove everything.
You've been too gentle in trying to negotiate with him.

Brick phone, no tablet, laptop with strict controls on it and which doesn't leave communal areas for homework/normal browsing but v time limited. Yes they can see stuff on other people's phones etc at school if that way inclined, but I would be making damn sure I wasn't allowing it on my watch and severely restricting his access for his own good.

Just a thought, is there a chance he is actually trying to find or work something out (that he's heard of or wondering about) that he feels he can't ask his parents about? Maybe not, but maybe worth considering, 13 is a very awkward age.

I’d also want to make sure he isn’t able to watch it on someone else’s phone whilst at school or out. What’s the phone policy at his school?

Hi OP - have you read ‘anxious generation’ by David Haight - it offers really solid evidence based thoughts on the damage that internet access / porn does to young brains.

There is no reason for your son to need unsupervised tech access - have a laptop that can be used in family space for school work where someone else can see the screen. Beyond that he has shown himself unable to manage (understandably - he’s very young) the hook that porn is for young men

i’m afraid this is a situation in which you need to accept that he’ll be angry and upset about losing his tech - but the damage that can be done by not removing it is far greater and more long term than any big feelings he might direct at you. It’s your job to make yourself unpopular with him here and set the firm boundaries to keep him safe that he’s not able to set for himself.

Newsflash. Children don't need phones.

Remember our childhoods? No phones. And we all survived.

It sounds like he is already actively addicted. He needs to see a therapist weekly for intensive support. Sadly, it isn't uncommon in boys of that age these days.

In addition to therapeutic intervention, he should not have access to the Internet. If he needs a phone, give him an old Nokia. If he needs to use the Internet for school, set up a 'family' computer in the living room—or better yet, get him to go to the local public library and use their computers.

He needs to understand how harmful his behaviour is, how it contributes to violence against women, and how his addiction is teaching him to be a misogynist. Teenage boys with these types of addictions often go on to assault (or worse) teenage (and younger) girls. It isn't normal, shouldn't be normalised, and is dangerous.

Please be an actual parent OP

He doesn't need more than a brick phone
No laptop
No tablet
No internet unless he's being supervised by an adult

Take some bloody responsibility for your child, who sounds like he's already addicted to porn

Wtf are you doing giving the devices back?! I can't believe how moronic that is

Wtf are you doing giving the devices back?! I can't believe how moronic that is

Sorry, OP, not sure what your dilemma is. You either choose to parent your 13 yr old or not.

Exactly Jesus Christ. Some people shouldn’t be parents.

No unsupervised tech. He's only 13. Parent him.

You can set up parental controls on your broadband to ban any porn - but he can easily bypass that by using mobile data - you could use Family Link to add another layer of control to.
But I agree with others though - this is a case where you should be removing his devices altogether. Yes you will be unpopular but that's being a parent to a teen (sorry)

He could still get round this by using a friends phone - so you still need to talk to him that this is not appropriate content!!

my dc had parental controls until 18, you just need to install them, if he circumvents them, remove the devices but you need to explain why you are doing this, young people respond better to rules if they make sense to them

This is really difficult. He’s 13, going to be curious, going to Google things. Which is natural and not a problem.

What he’ll find when he Googles is a major problem.

But I think there’s a generation of kids who have grown up watching their parents and other adults constantly on our phones etc and they think that’s normal. Taking it off them might be easier said than done. But it doesn’t sounds like there’s an alternative here, you’ve caught him multiple times and he clearly can’t be trusted right now.

Do all parental controls stop at 13? I’m not at this stage yet so I don’t know.

Pretty sure you can get apps which allow you to disconnect wifi from certain devices. Would something like this work? His devices are only connected when you allow and can supervise him?

Unfortunately although you can take his devices just now ultimately his decision to watch porn or not when he is older will be down to his morality rather than yours. And I’m not sure you can expect young stupid men to resist temptation. Porn is after all designed and made to shall we say, stimulate men.

But for the moment he’s 13, take his devices if that’s the only option.

I agree with what pps have said (bar the poster who suggested he was addicted because actual porn addiction is rare and extreme as opposed to a boy just through puberty experimenting and being curious which is developmentally normal even if the means he's using are not ideal.)

I think along with locking down the devices in a way he cannot access, I would be getting some support firstly for yourself in terms of what is the best way to lock down his devices especially since porn is now accessible on very mainstream social media and algorithms can be very dangerous for young people who are curious as they can just start to filter in more extreme content. Secondly, I'd be doing a bit of research about how to have these conversations with your ds.

You need to make sure you're not shaming him in any way, he needs to know he can come to you in an emotionally safe way to talk about things like this that can be really uncomfortable to talk about both for a young teen and for parents. You need to work out what he's trying to get from it, what other safer means could he use to get the same information or safely fulfil his curiosity, and you need to find a way to have an honest conversation about porn and porn platforms and why they aren't safe for kids to use (and then going into the issues of consent, rape, iioc, revenge porn in age suitable language). The average age for children to be exposed to porn is now something horrific like 11, so it's essential you use this as an opportunity to equip your son with the information and means to be safe rather than just locking everything down.

Someone more tech savvy than me might tell you how to block those types of sites from your WiFi, but I don't know how.

But I absolutely agree that he needs the devices removed.