My child's watching porn

[Rosieperhaps]

My child 13 is searching porn on his tablet and phone, this results in long conversations and removal of devices, but every time he asks to be trusted and we give him another chance he is back on it. Parent controls deactivated when he turned 13 all I can do is reset his age to make him younger and put them back on, but I think he has created a new Google account. He says he has been influenced by a new school friend, we have blocked the friendship outside of school and spoken to school in detail, but I know from WhatsApp he is still in contact at school, same year group. Not wanting to permanently remove tech equipment if I can help it, what would you do, reset his age or provide him with a phone that does not go on the internet or ban all devices. I feel sick to my core that he is watching this

Sounds to me like he needs some counselling. Speak to some support group.
Obviously take away his electronic stuff, that is a basic parent responsibility, but next thing is he will grow into a sad lonely boy who needs to watch that shite if you don't get some help

Do you have any idea if the friends parents are aware and share your concern?

It would be really helpful if you were all on the same page.

I think is a naive comment. As multiple people have said there is a need here not to make the kid think he’s a pervert for natural curiosity. Him searching for porn is not the issue it’s what he’ll find when he goes searching.

Sending him for counselling is a massive overreaction that will do more harm than good.

I also think you don’t realise how much porn is viewed. I watched a documentary called Hot Girls Wanted and the number of hits pornhub receives it staggering. It’s not just “sad lonely boys” who are watching porn. It’s a massive problem. Should be legislated against to massively restrict its accessibility. But until that happens porn will be part of young men’s lives it’s unavoidable.

You mean Jonathan Haidt - great book

This. Scorched earth time. I would frame it to him as "I can see you're having real trouble with this so I'm going to help you by taking the option away"

I have a 13-year-old and am 46. No phone till university and even then nobody really used them.

It is absolutely not developmentally appropriate to be watching pornography at 13, and there have been numerous studies into the harm that access to porn at such a young age causes.

As above, restrict devices. BUT also talk to him openly and without judgement about why porn is addictive and attractive, and why we should be careful of that lure (impact on the brain, impact on future relationships, etc).

He is obviously going to keep watching it.
What is worse for a child no phone/ipad/laptop unless sat with a parent being supervised or watching porn?
It's a very simple choice . And if adults get addicted to it then so can teenagers.
You need to take full control and not just for a few weeks
It will be damaging longterm to how he views women and relationships.
Not to mention at his age it's just plain wrong

On the "it's normal to watch porn at 13" - yes, I get it, I grew up in the 80s/90s and it was normal for teenage boys to sneak looks at magazines and to occasionally watch a video that an older sibling or classmate had got. But it is not normal or healthy for any child to have 24/7 access to an unlimited range of hardcore fetishist material at the touch of a button and that is what a smartphone offers.

I agree with the extra clubs, sport, swimming, drama, chess, music, coding any of it, but lots.

it’s easy to parent a kid by leaving them on a tablet,
playing games together, providing activities, chatting, cooking together, takes more energy from parent.

I would imagine being out of the actual house more would help- in supervised clubs etc- because that’s a break in routine. Addicts fall back to old habits when they are in the same triggering environment.

What phone has he got? Is it phone or laptop he’s accessing it?

My 13 year old has an iPhone and it’s joint to my family group; so I can see everything. It blocks anything that isn’t are appropriate too. He can’t even search ‘boobs’ 🙃

and similar on his laptop; we have set up family settings and it’s all blocked.

what has he said when you have spoken to him about this? It’s quite alarming. The

Take his devices away until he is 18 - no phones, no tablet, no games consoles, nothing that can connect to the internet (make sure he doesn't have an internet connected TV or anything like that). Only computer access when the wifi is turned off and he's supervised properly.

This may sound like overkill but if you want to stop someone viewing pornography it's the only way. Parental controls only work to an extent, someone who is technically minded (like a child desperately keen to view this sort of material) will find a way to work around them. VPNs and Tor can be used to bypass them. Eventually he will find out about TAILS and once he works out how to use that even a completely locked-down computer will be usable to access pornography.

Where there is the will, they will find a way, hence the need to prevent them having any equipment that can access the internet.

Where's his dad in all this, OP?

You've had lot of good advice about restricting his access to devices, but the problem goes deeper than that. Even if you can keep him away from porn in his teens, he'll go right back to it - probably with more intensity - at 18, as soon as you lose control over his day to day. He needs to learn to reject this stuff on his own. That means understanding why it's harmful, and learning to regulate his own sexual behaviour.

Some lessons are better received coming from a male role model. Is there anyone who could have that conversation with him?

Wait wait… influenced by school friends… are they watching or accessing it in school? First things first, I’d be getting to the bottom of that. Then take all the tec, for the foreseeable future, and give him a brick phone.

Please step up to the plate and be a parent

Children need guidance , they need rules, start now

This 100%

I'm 45 and didn't get a phone until I was around 20, same as all my friends/work colleagues.

@newsateleven Eh? I’m 46. I didn’t have a phone til I was 21. No one did! I’m definitely not a grandparent!

We have used this for years on my teenagers’ phones. It’s very useful. We have taken it off my 18yr olds now for obvious reasons but Miss 15 still has it which comes in handy at times…

He's 13 so just remove devices. Keep having conversations though about what healthy sex looks like, the negative impact of porn on people who watch it, exploitation of women, and so on.

Honestly though, if he really wants to watch it, he'll find a way, whether it's through friend's laptops or whatever. You can't shield him completely, but you can at least protect him in your own home. It's normal for kids to have a laugh together or look up something rude at a sleepover. It's obviously normal to explore your body/start developing a sense of sexuality. It's not normal or necessary to have unfiltered access to porn, particularly as most porn hardly portrays your average vanilla missionary sex.

Also as a side note- my generation was the first generation to have access to the internet, and there were no safety controls then, or our parents at least had no clue. My 13 year old self grew up with rotten dot com (showed beheadings and all kinds of stuff) and extreme kink porn like 2 girls 1 cup. We all used to turn on Sexetera (some sex TV channel) at sleepovers, and Google what certain sex acts were etc. I definitely saw porn as a teen and that was like 15+ years ago. We've all turned out relatively average in the end. There are thankfully more safeguards in place now which should obviously be used, but I really don't think the world will implode like some people in this thread make out.

I’d be more concerned with the. Incessant porn watching , once out of curiosity or peer pressure , I understand but this is relentless

id be more concerned my child was a pervert sex pest in the making

id be asking for help everywhere , school , doctors charities , does he have male role models who can have a word , spend positive time with him ?

Really? What is this minority report? You sound like you’re only a hop, skip and a jump away for calling on people to grab their pitchforks and torches to go lynch this kid!

He’s a 13 year old boy, of course he’s interested in sex, he knows porn is available so Googles it. That’s normal. What’s troubling is what he will find and that’s what he needs protecting from. The urge to look is normal.

If your son was addicted to heroin, would you keep giving him some to hold on to even if he said he wouldn't take it this time?

It's pretty much the same.
He's addicted to something bad for him.

Be the parent, even if that means being the bad guy.

Your son cannot have tech without constant (as in only when his screen is directly in your line of sight) supervision.

Take it away completely unless he is doing homework with a supervising adult right there.

Life goes on without access to the internet and he is obviously not able to control himself so you have to do it for him while he is still so young.

I do! Oops - thanks for correcting that!