My child's watching porn

[Rosieperhaps]

My child 13 is searching porn on his tablet and phone, this results in long conversations and removal of devices, but every time he asks to be trusted and we give him another chance he is back on it. Parent controls deactivated when he turned 13 all I can do is reset his age to make him younger and put them back on, but I think he has created a new Google account. He says he has been influenced by a new school friend, we have blocked the friendship outside of school and spoken to school in detail, but I know from WhatsApp he is still in contact at school, same year group. Not wanting to permanently remove tech equipment if I can help it, what would you do, reset his age or provide him with a phone that does not go on the internet or ban all devices. I feel sick to my core that he is watching this

You must be grandparent age rather than parent age to have not had a phone at 13.

I had one at 11 and I'm nearly 40, everyone had them when I was in school.

You need to set parent controls on the phone through your mobile provider. I have parent controls set with 'EE'. You can set them on your WiFi, but he could just get round this by using data.
If he is getting round all that take his phone off him.

It’s normal for teenagers to be curious about porn but not normal to be allowed to watch it. Same way it’s normal for a toddler to be curious about eating crud off the floor and sticking their fingers in electrical sockets - doesn’t mean they should be allowed to do it.

That’s why we have child controls in place for things like that and parents need to be live to the safeguarding risks.

There must be a way of completely locking down his phone better! I would seek an IT expert advice on that one.

That is so incredibly damaging, to him, and any girls around him.

Dc shouldn't have unsupervised access to devices before 16. The world has changed, and protection for childrens development and mental health have not yet caught up.

OP, you more than likely can restrict access to that for the entire household via your ISP (your home broadband company so it’s essentially blocked at the router.) You should also be able to do the same with the mobile network provider so he also cannot access it using mobile data instead whether he’s home or out.

Just google the companies you’re with and you should find information on how to do it.

Hwi If your idea of parenting is to tell a 13 year old boy that he is a pervert then I despair as much about you as the OP. A mother shaming her child over his natural desires at such a critical age is a recipe for disaster.
But yes to other posters advice about removing all internet-accessing devices etc

As PP have said, reduce him to family devices in shared rooms. My kids are 30s & 40s so I don't have recent or such extreme experience but I think that I would be modeling healthy use of tech by not using my phone/tablet in his presence. Very mixed messages if you don't (though appreciate that you're probably not watching porn)

OP I think you’re being a bit of a sap here. If you don’t want him watching it, why do you not have a filter on your home wifi? Sky have Sky Shield, all the other providers will have the same kind of thing.

If you’re actually sick to your core like you say, do a bit more.

Grandparent 😄I’m 42 and no one had phones when I was 13. And of course even when we did get them (by now in college) they were not internet-accessible

Remove devices and have a talk with him. Explain that he is bound to be titillated by this stuff because he is at an age when he is beginning to have sexual feelings and curiosity about this. Make sure that he knows that is OK, whilst at the same time making it clear that what he sees on porn is not normal sex in a loving relationship and that the videos are the product of exploitation... make sure he knows why you are takingn his phone and that it is not because you are angry with him. He needs to know that you are doing it to love and protect him.

Brick phone. Access to internet for homework only, to be completed in a family area so you can monitor.

I would speak to safeguarding at school too.

Hardly grandparent age! I’m 44 and absolutely no one had a mobile phone when I was at secondary school (left in 1997) and I didn’t get my first phone until 1999 when I was 18.

I know. I knew there would be one. I just knew it.

Heaven help us. He is a child. Why would you try and normalise a child watching porn what is wrong with you. Imagine not doing your due diligence as a parent and saying “well he’s just experimenting”. He’s a child, children don’t need to be watching or engaging with sex. Stop sexualising children. Imagine saying that to social services, kids off you before you could blink…

Hang on everyone jumping on the OP yelling "parent him, take his tech!". That's it, that's all you think parenting is?
He's a 13 year old boy who is having raging hormones, and has discovered something that he's obviously a bit addicted to, he understands none of the darkness behind porn, or the things he might come across. He's obviously in a friendship group that's watching it, he'll go round his friends, they'll have it at school etc.
By all means reduce the tech, but I would be looking into how you can educate him about this, make him understand there are things he's too young to see and try to discourage him from accessing it any which way. He's already shown that saying no isn't enough, seek advice OP. He won't be alone, at least you've discovered the problem and can now act.

I have 2 boys much younger than your son and I am reading 'raising boys'. It has a section on adolescents and puperty, sexuality, porn and all that. I recommend reading it. Essentially it says that the fascination with sex is developmentaly normal. So exploring safer and less damaging options for him to learn about sex is better. Having open frank conversations about the difference between good sex and bad sex i.e good sex is loving and bad sex can be abusive. This is best coming from the father and also positive male role models. Its a great book.

I was part of the first gen of kids that got Nokia 3310s when they first came out- my parents were into tech so quick on the uptake.

I was 11 and am now 36. You’re calling anyone older than me a grandparent since I only got one because I was going secondary school (and didn’t know anyone younger than me who had mobile phones).

You need to remove all devices including his game console too.

If he needs to use apps or the internet for homework, you need to sit next to him while he does the work.

I’m surprised that he didn’t look up how to watch porn without leaving a digital trace the first time that he got caught.

You can stop him looking at porn on the family wifi but you can’t stop it if he uses data so if he needs a phone for texting you, it needs to be one without any internet.

Be a fucking parent.

Obviously numerous discussions would be had in sure. But taking the tech is the number 1 thing that needs to happen

I wonder whether porn is normal at 13? I know it's for over 18s but don't they get urges at that age?

At least you know what he's doing, that's one thing to be grateful for

Can you speak to the school sex Ed teacher for advice? x

I also agree with banning tech. But it needs to be done in a way that it is clear that you're not shaming him but protecting him and what you are protecting him from and why.

Your internet provider can block porn. I think it’s automatic because I have had to had ours unblocked because it doesn’t just block porn. I can’t remember what it was blocking but it would block random stuff and it was pissing me off.

But I would ask to block. Use your phone hotspot if you need to access anything which it is blocking.

& how is he going to receive those nudes if OP has taken away his devices?

Being sexually interested at 13 is normal. Having unlimited access to graphic, violent, degrading porn in your pocket 24/7 when you are a child is not normal.

Oh and if you go this route he will figure out the hotspot hack aswell. So you likely need a no data pay as you go pack for his phone.