Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

So frustrating when you read the whole thread and then it just ends.
Even if you can’t give more details because it’s gone further, you could come back and acknowledge everyone’s advice

Of course they are having sex. She won't be telling you.

This is a six year age difference - she's barely an adult, he's six years older.

This screams coercive control and he's living off what little she has.

She's living in squalor. Is she allowed out?

Please contact the university and speak to student welfare. There should be a pastoral team there.

Please go and see her and spend time just at the two of them. Be very very careful.

She will probably say 'but I love him ...'

She may already be under the 'nobody else would want you but me' influence.

grownandflown.com/unhealthy-relationship-parents-help/

This is an old thread. Op never came back to update.

I had something similar happen at Uni with an ex that I was with for months not weeks, he had his own place at the beginning then started staying with me more in halls. Then all of a sudden it was all the time, talking about moving in together. I was never allowed to see his place. Turned out he was an alcoholic, he had trauma from his mother dying when he was a child, it was his Dad's flat that he had let him stay in when his Dad moved in with his new girlfriend. His Dad had got rid of the flat because he wasn't staying there and because of the state he left it in and he didn't tell me this.

Luckily I was older than your DD and put my foot down and said no I was studying and needed my space plus it put my accomodation at risk because I was in halls. I broke it off. He moved in with his Dad and got help for his addiction.

Your DD is only 18, at her age I was not equipped to deal with something like this. It sounds like she needs an intervention and your support.

@Feelingabitconfused I hope your DD is OK.

Is he actually homeless? I'd be frantic.x

I'd talk to student welfare about your concerns, if there is one. They might not be able to share info about her with you but you can with them. If you can visit more often than would be good too.

I thought this too.

Op, you must be worried sick but I was your DD once upon a time.

I was a fresher and my twenty-something boyfriend moved with me to uni. He came to visit me two weeks after I moved four hours away and then just stayed (also in my single bed). Similar kind of story, he was living with his dad after his mum had died but only letting him stay out of duty. Think he also had a dodgy knee so couldn’t do any physical work apparently. Supposedly he had been working (remotely) in our home town but jacked it in to move in with me.

We smoked a lot of weed, had sex numerous times a day and lived off takeaways or pasta. I loved the idea of finally having freedom away from my folks and thought that’s what all uni students were doing.

Fortunately my housemates complained to my landlord as he refused to split the bills so he was kicked out. I stupidly paid his first months rent in another student house.

I think we broke up in Easter as I said I was going home as I had plans/nobody around during the holidays. I think we had a row what would happen during the summer holidays as I wouldn’t be staying in said city as I wouldn’t be able to afford it/wanted to go travelling. There was also a lot of rowing because my parents were the ‘enemy’ to our happiness and me going back ‘home’ was leaving him out to dry.

I worked out I had wasted a grand on weed, was maxed out in my overdraft and this guy had leeched off me/stole my first year of uni. He had also played a lot of mental games (pretending to commit suicide when I dumped him) which I’ve always been weary of going forward.

It was a good life lesson. I never allowed another cocklodger to cross the threshold and set my bar a lot higher. Learnt to budget my money and I’ve never been in debt since. I stopped smoking weed and turned into your regular party uni student 😅

IMO The OP didn't come back to update as she has found her daughter was in fact into drugs.

As for the guy, he sounds like a cocklodger on strike if he is refusing to sleep with her even in the beginning

Hi all. Thanks to those of you who expressed your kind concern. It’s been a lot. Update is that I visited daughter - planned and agreed, I’d never just turn up, and met her BF. For context, my girl is a really switched on 18y old, emotionally mature and knows what she wants for her future. Yes she is naive in terms of experience, but she has good instincts and I trust her.

Despite BF initially refusing to meet me at first arrangement, he did agree as I just kept offering options. She told me he wanted to make a really good first impression and because his stomach was unsettled, he didn’t want meet at holiday property initially. There is a very long story around this first meeting, but suffice to say, I “saw the whites of his eyes” and he seems ok. Once he relaxed after the 2nd meeting, I saw the depth of feeling he has for her and they are actually very cute together, despite my huge misgivings. I still have reservations, not least that he has a history of drug taking, which he’s “given up for her,” and which I think will continue to be to the forefront of my thoughts about him. She told me they had a long discussion as they were getting together and she told him it was a complete dealbreaker for her, that if he ever took drugs during their relationship, she would end it immediately, without any further ado. We have a family member who is estranged due to his drug abuse hence her strong feeling about this. He agreed to this and hasn’t done drugs since mid January ie when they got together.

They have not had sex yet - she wants to, we’ve spoken about contraception, which she is taking after GP appt, but BF has been reluctant; he is aware she is a virgin and that fact may be messing with his head. He appears to be a committed employee at the place they both work, turns up on time, works hard, which is a good sign to me. DD tells me he deals with customers fairly, never loses his rag, works hard. A loss of temper / control would ve a huge turn off / red flag to her.

I think, from what she has said, he has had a hard start in life and that may account for the poor decision making / lack of guidance / risk taking behaviour appears to have been a big factor. We will see.

I feel very uncomfortable that she is breaching her tenancy agreement in Halls and have spoken to her about this. I think the Uni is pretty lax on this, probably v difficult for them to police. It is very different to when I was a student - we could move freely between flats, and one of 300 students could knock on your bedroom door! Now flats are accessible only with a key card so only the 4 other students in her flat have access to their corridor / kitchen / bathroom. It’s been very limiting for her, as 2 of the 4 students sit in their rooms solo all day, won’t even say hello as they pass in the corridor, so she gave up trying to speak with them after Christmas. One boy had his GF over every day, leaves the kitchen in a tip, nicks her food, so there is only 1 other girl who she has made friends with in her flat and they’re going to house share next year. That’s been a big shame in my eyes, not having that experience of being part of a big group of young people. I suspect she is planning to share her room in the house with BF next year, which I have strongly warned her against, as if anyone complains, she can be kicked out, lose her / my deposit etc. Also, importantly, for sake of morale in the house she is sharing with 6 other girls, she needs to spend time with them, make friends, go out with them. If BF is present at all times, they will come to resent him being there, and could cause a schism in the house.

So pretty much up to date now. Oh and Uni work is going well, passing everything with good grades so far.

I cannot see any way at all that six young women will tolerate a slightly strange male non-student living unexpectedly in their all women student house share.

She might need a plan B for where to live!

Well done getting stuck in on this one but keep in contact and your antenni on red alert - there are still too many read flags.

Did she explain why she is completly out of money despite you giving her cash and her having a job as well as her boyfrend presumably working full time (£25k a year on MW) with him having zero out-goings as he lives rent and bill free at you and your DD's expense? Huge red flag.

So he has agreed he was a drug user but isnt now - dont believe a word of that.
He could be using or dealing at work - your DD may not know the signs. What drugs was he on that he gave up? Huge red flag.

The injuries and beatings could well be drug debt related. He's could be hiding out at your DDs - look up "cuckooing". Huge red flag.

He could well be "love-bombing" her and grooming you in the process. Being unable to cope with 24hrs part is alarming. Huge red flag.

Dont fall for the 'hard life' schtick - it never exuses bad behaviour and choices.

There is no smoke without fire here. Keep on red alert.

At 24 what is his relationship history?

What are your DD plans for the summer - where will she be living and working?

Can you plan a 2 week holiday away with her that he's not invited to.

Great news that she has a house share for next year.

He needs to find his own place and pay his own way which he can afford to do on £25k and must have stacks saved having ponced off your DD for nearly half a year if they dont go out. She needs to make this clear to him.

Was she home for Easter? If not, why not?

I would be up there every month. I ensure I saw him each time.

Well done on tackling this - its important not to alienate your dd, keep her trust and communication etc - but there are too many separate red flags here. If he was an 18 year old fellow student and they were holed up 24/7 with no money I would also be alarmed but here you have admitted drug issues, violence, age etc - he is dodgy as f**k. Its not if this becomes apparent its when. Your DD and yourself sound very intuitive - but these types are devious and perfomative. Your DD has fallen for the victim narrative and her kind heart is telling her to rescue him. No female is a rehab facility for dodgy males.

Thanks for getting back to us. Yes, there will be problems if he wants to move in next year, but that’s months ahead the relationship might not exist then. Sounds like you’re gonna keep a close eye on things good luck.

Good to hear your DD is doing well in her uni work.

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy, hopefully your DD will see sense soon.

It is highly unlikely that the girls your DD is sharing with next year will be happy to have her boyfriend there everyday. Your DD is likely to be pushed into paying more for the bills, can she cover that? Also if someone reports him living there he will be liable for council tax.

All sounds great regarding your DD, not great about the drug taking- she's threatened to leave him if he takes drugs- he's just going to do it in secret and won't be able to tell her if he slips into addicition again so he'll hide it and she won't know. Awful idea.

I would be highly suspicious that he's been involved with the wrong people, and blaming some or all of the injuries on his parent(s) to cover that up. This is a massive red flag. He's 24, works and has the means to move out, so why on earth is he in a position to be run over twice and beaten by his family? Of course it is possible, and if so, awful. But I smell BS.

The girls she's living with next year deserve to have a safe space. A strange man who may or may not be doing drugs in or around their home does not contribute to that. He needs his own place and she should visit him, not the other way round.

Hmm. I think the problem when you're 18 and inexperienced is that you tend to put people into two categories:

• Bad person
• Well-meaning person

It sounds like both you and your daughter would class the BF as a well-meaning person and you may well be right.

However I think at that age it is harder to appreciate the following category:

• Well-meaning person who through no fault of their own is emotionally clingy and/or struggling for money/place to live and is likely to (unintentionally) make your life smaller and stop you enjoying friends and experiences you should be at your age.

Also harder at 18 to recognise that, although you may fancy and feel sorry for the above person, it is not your job to rescue them and sacrifice your own time/studies/friendships to do this.

This would be my worry and maybe something to speak to her about - if you can ever get her alone.

Same here! It's a werid set up! They'd have to get a bedsit or something?! Or she lives with her female house mates without him?! Seems a shame she can't date him, without living together!

So is it a 7 student house share next year and she thinks she can sneak her BF in without the landlord knowing (or him paying rent and bills)? Or is a legit 8 student house share and he will pay the same as the other 7? If the former, she’ll be found out and likely chucked out (and if you are her guarantor you’ll be liable for the rent). If the latter, is he going to pretend to the landlord that he’s a student or say he’s employed? There are council tax implications for the latter.

I agree that she is being naive if she thinks the boyfriend can live with her and 6 other girls without any problems.

Quite apart from the legal issues it will cause a lot of friction between her and the other girls.

I also agree that I think the BF is being less than honest with her.

@Feelingabitconfused I think you are doing the right thing by keeping in close touch, and I think you should reiterate the legal and personal consequences of what might happen if she does move the boyfriend in.

Yes I agree with many of these comments / sentiments. My aim is to keep the gates of communication open with her, so she doesn’t feel she needs to hide anything from me about him. I am thankful she has been open enough to tell me about his drug taking and about his history.

We have all been in relationships where red flags are raised and we are able to spot these behaviours in others’ relationships and / or my parents certainly did. When you’re 18, no matter how sensible and mature, that life experience just isn’t there. I genuinely didn’t get a sense he was on drugs currently, which doesn’t mean to say he’s not taking them. DD was at our family home for a week over Easter - she was keen to get back to her Uni home, but there was no sense I got that he was blocking her from visiting us. I’ve made my thoughts clear to her, and she’s thoroughly aware of the implications of her potential actions. I think I need to keep her close and keep having these conversations.

Is she keeping up with home friends - did she see them when she was back for Easter?

Do most unis not shut for a month and halls clear out as everyone goes home for the month?

What are her plans for the summer months?

Its very emotionally and socially unhealthy to be living with someone 24/7 from the first day. I would continue to challenge her on where he thinks he will be living over the summer and next year. Does he not have any local friends? All very odd. Dont let her sleep walk into this any deeper.

@Feelingabitconfused

Did you manage to find out why she was running out of money so much sooner than you expected, as mentioned in your OP? Is she giving it to him or paying for all his food as well as her own?

Yes she usually speaks / WhatsApp’s with her BFF every day who is at another University a couple of hours away from where she is currently based. They met up when she was home and had a sleepover together as they would usually do.

Concerning the sudden money issue - in a nutshell, since December and making friends with bar work colleagues, she’s developed an active social life, been drinking more than she would normally, paying pub prices and eating out. She’s got a good discount, being staff, but it all mounts up and she has been staying behind after her shifts for a couple of hours then going out to bars with the other staff there. She went overdrawn and used some money from the pot I’d been saving for her since she was 2 years old (which was then transferred over to her when she became 18). She says she’s learned her lesson as it was really stressing her out, she’s now budgeting and has put the pot into a separate account that she can't access until she’s graduated. She’s was very up front with me about all this and admitted the stress it’s been causing her being overdrawn. She also let me see that she’d taken ‘only’ £200 out of her pot. I’ve no doubt in there that she’s been paying more for food with BF also. She’s developed poor spending habits which I saw when I was with her, thinking nothing of spending £5.00 on some crappy fast food. We’ve discussed this and I think now it’s not some empty advice which she has nothing to relate it to, which she ‘already knows’ and now that she has come undone financially, she seems to be more respectful of my 10p worth.

I’m keeping a close eye / ear on this.

Concerning “not letting her’ do anything, now DD has gone to University and is living independently, I can’t “not let her” or “make her’ do anything. Free will and all that. All I can do is keep her close, listen to what she is / isn’t saying and trust our relationship and bond is close enough for her to keep the communication open. I certainly wouldn’t have told my mum ANYTHING she’s told me, so I am grateful for the honesty from her end, despite the concern it causes me.

Ok so an update. I’m going to presume you’ve read my original post for context.

BF continues to insert himself into daughter’s life.

DH went down last week to help DD move her stuff from storage into her new uni house. As there was a gap in time between her Halls tenancy ending and her new tenancy, she went and stayed with a friend a couple of hours away. BF went home to parents presumably. When DH went down to help her move, he stayed over in a hotel and had a separate room for DD. She casually told DH that BF was staying in the hotel wth her… again on our dollar obvs. DH was surprised, meeting this man for the first time, didn’t want to alienate DD, 5 hour drive etc. he said nothing about this, went out for a meal with DD and met BF for drinks after. Next day BF was around to help with move which took 5 mins and he was hovering throughout, so much so that DH felt time to leave and off he went as he had a long drive and work the following day.

I’ve found out subsequently that DD has failed one of her modules and has a resit in August. Apparently during the time my DH was visiting her, a family friend phoned up DH and he had a chat with DD also who casually told him that she might have failed a module, and that she might have to retake the year and that she’s not bothered because she’s not that close to anyone on her course in this year. I’m bamboozled as to why she didn’t have this convo with DH, but chose to tell his friend in front of him. I’ve since spoken to her on FaceTime, she checked her marks whilst I waited and she confirmed she has indeed failed the module. In fact she has failed 3 elements out of 12, but because 2 are in the same module, there’s only one resit.

During this FaceTime with her, she talked about resitting the year and said she’d lost her desire since GCSEs! I can see that in her, she didn’t appear to be motivated for A levels and did minimum amount of work, despite telling me she was. Unfortunately our convo was interrupted due to workmen at her house so I didn’t have the conversation with her about us funding her. We continue to pay her rent, give her £220 per month for food and to sustain her, and she works 1-2 days per week, plus she also got a £500 bonus from her gran’s will recently. The money is just disappearing she’s always broke.

So I’m going down to see her today. She tried to put me off as said she hasn’t spent any time with BF as he’s working all the time. I smell BS as a few weeks ago she was saying he’s only working around 20 hpw due to not being given the hours at work. I know he’s gonna be at the house. So here’s the question for advice please, bearing in mind we have been advised by other friends not to drive a wedge between BF and us, as she will take BF’s side….

My question is do I ask him to leave while I’m there so I can spend time with DD. I know this sounds pathetic on my part, when I would be quite happy to tell him to do one, but taking this advice from friends who have been there, I need DD onside, to be receptive to me and my advice to get her back on track. I know if I go in and ask him to leave, that she will immediately shut down anything I’ve got to say.

How / can I get him out the house without alienating DD?