Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

Can you pick an activity he would hate eg going to pick a wedding outfit with your daughters help or going for a pedicure. Something he wouldn’t be seen dead doing

Yeah I don’t have a problem with insisting on going out without him, but he’ll be in the house when we get back.

What do you think they’d say if you actually just honestly said do you mind if DD and I have a few hours together for mother and daughter time?

Her character has changed also. She’s gone from being quite clear about her future and kind of knowing how to get there, wanting a placement year, to now making excuses about going on placement (because she prob realises BF won’t be there). Plus she’s arranged a meeting with tutor next week during convo she said she “felt sick about seeing him and so nervous.” And needed me to draft an email to him requesting the meeting. Honestly there’s other stuff too, she just seems to be regressing.

Nope. You tell her that you can see that she’s lost the passion for it and maybe she should think about taking the rest of the year off. You will stop funding her. She can come home or stay where she is, and get a job and think about reapplying for uni when she regains her passion for it and some maturity and foresight and jettisons the leech.

Why don't you offer to take her for a girl's lunch/dinner, just the two of you... Then you're on neutral ground as well? X

This is a good idea! Get her under your wing. If she has lost her passion for uni she needs to take a break, back at home with you. Tell her you're not willing to subsidise her university living costs, if it's something she isn't passionate about and willing to work hard for.

Edited to add - or she can get a job where her uni is. True.

Yes this is my nuclear option. If after discussing everything with her, getting a rocket up her and she says she’s still not feeling it, I’ll definitely be having that convo.

im gonna be down for a few days, I didn’t want to go down guns blazing, wanted to let conversations happen organically with her, about her change in behaviour, suddenly anxious about everyth8ng. I mean I dont recognise the way she’s speaking or what she’s saying to me.

Thanks so much ladies.
im going to leave now, long drive. You won’t hear from me for a while.

I don’t think I can ask him to leave the house without alienating her. I’m going to have to suck it up tonight.
im beyond furious that she’s choosing not to see how she has gone downhill since this man’s been around.

I would also be inviting her out without him. But as you are there for a few days that is difficult and I completely see your point. Does he actually have anywhere else to go/live? That would be an alarm bell. Dd saying she hasn’t got many friends on her course could be because she has isolated herself or he has as they spend all their time together and she is missing out on the uni experience as such.

Her DD will still have to pay rent on the house unless she can find a replacement.

This sounds very worrying

You have done everything you can. Stayed close, kept communication open, stayed agreeable and open when she wasn’t, at certain times, so openly honest and upfront.

But you do now have to have that awkward conversation with her ….not about her bf, not about resitting her exam, not about her lost passion for her studies, but about the bottom line. Money. You now have to have the money talk. It isn’t a bottomless pit.

She has taken for granted that you will fund her while she aimlessly makes up her mind about her next steps. You are probably half feeding her bf too. And certainly housing him if he stays with her most of the time.

Make it clear that if she fails the august resit exam and doesn’t stay on track with her course, and keep up, your parental funding money will stop as it was always contingent on a budget for three years only which you can’t go beyond. Let her know that if she decides to work instead of staying on track with her studies, the funding will also stop in that scenario as she will be totally responsible for herself in every respect.

Make it clear that the only two situations for which the parental funding continues are that she passes her exam and stays on course with her studies or that she comes home to be housed and fed with a view to getting a job while she thinks of her next steps. Make it clear that unless she is studying, she must pay her own way for her own board and lodging. It’s not that you don’t love her and want her at home, because you really do and always will, but that your finances simply don’t stretch to anything beyond the three year course so it’s important she knows the money situation before deciding what to do and kick-starting her life.

Hopefully the hard money talk will shock her into action and finishing her course or into thinking of alternatives. She has lost her way a little bit it seems, and that's fine. It happens - and you will of course support her at the family home if that’s the case,
But she has also come under the influence of somebody with a totally different outlook on life who could be dragging her down and holding her back when what she needs is motivation to stay on track.
Make sure you aren’t subsidising him to use her for bread and board.That’s the tricky bit. So say nothing about him, just make sure she knows your hard lines for support.

I hope your Dd can galvanise herself to pass that august exam and stay on track. She needs a good few weeks study to prepare for it, without any distractions, so suggest she comes home immediately, where you can both care for her and nurture her while she gets on with it, with real purpose.

Honestly, it's a big waste of money. I'd ask university for a sabatical, in case she changes her mind next year. Then to come home and get a job. I wouldn't allow her boyfriend to stay over but he could visit her. I do think her money is funding them both. Shame as she could have really achieved something but instead got distracted and used.

There is still the issue of the rent for the house share. Unless she can find someone to take her place she will be liable for the rent for the duration of the lease.

This. You don’t need to have a conversation tiptoeing around the boyfriend topic, you need to have a direct conversation about money and that her funding won’t extend to repeated years.

Well she isn't motivated to squeeze the pips out if undergraduate experience is she? Otherwise she'd be attaining and would be more linked in with uni friends.
Pull the plug op... Cut the funding (it was for funding a degree not playing house with bf).
You need to do this NOW as she still only ever get 4 years tuition fees. Right now she is in the position to take a few years out and experience the reality of life on a minimum wage job and the lifestyle to that buys you and then if she wanted to will get 3 years of undergraduate study funded. If she half arses it for another year or god forbid two, she will get kicked out or will come out with a low class degree, no relevant experience, no extra curriculars, no network of uni mates and be stuck with option of nmw job and the boyfriend. Why on Gods green earth would you fund that?

The longer she continues her course,.the more student loan debt she's accumulating which is going to stick with her for years. If she rediscovers her motivation then great, it'll be worth it. I'd second her taking a year off and thinking about what she really wants to do.

On a practical level if she is moving in to a student only shared house then they will get student exemption on the council tax. Once non students move in too then they have to start paying.

I expect her housemate(s) will have something to say about that ! Might be worth reminding her (and her housemates if you get the chance to meet them).

@Feelingabitconfused I think the biggest issue here is that you are funding her!
I would try and get her alone to talk things through but if she refuses then I would have that conversation in front of him. I think you need to be firm now, not waiting any longer.
If she has lost her passion for uni, then fair enough, she has to come home. I was at uni with someone who wasted 3 years as they changed course after year 1, passed year 1 of the new course but at the end of year 2 dropped out - but this was through student loans and getting a job, parents didn't fund this.
You need to say that you were happy to contribute to her rent away while she was studying for a degree but as she doesn't want to do this any more the money ends now. If she wants to stay and live with BF then that is her choice but she needs to fund this.
Am I right in assuming he is living with her and not contributing anything?
Currently you are enabling her to have this lifestyle and to think it doesn't matter whether she does well or not.
I would also explain to her the tenancy agreement in the shared house will be void as it is most likely a student let. She could be evicted and lose her deposit by living with her boyfriend. It is also likely to be her responsibility to replace someone in that room so she (or rather you) would be paying for the empty room unless she could find someone to take it.
If she wants to live with him that is her choice, but they need to find somewhere else - this could be a normal houseshare or on their own (both of these are unlikely though due to the cost).

I am sorry to hear that things are as we all suspected (probably much worse - I suspect weed) and have had such serious consequences. But right now its not the end of the world - YOU do have agency here but be ready for the long game.

I agree with everyone. Keep it about money. Suggest she resits the exam in August but insist she takes a year out to refocus. Or doesnt re-sit.

She needs to live though this toxic relationship to the end and not acquire a ton of debt doing so and drain you money of money on a futile course.

You need to acknowledge in yourself that your and your DH have inadvertently financially enabled this controlling cocklodger.

So you MUST pull the plug now if you have any hope of unsettling this toxic dynamic.

Even make up a story that financially you have an unexpected issue and need her to take a year out. Maybe she can reapply to local uni - shes not making any use of the social side - so whats the point of running up debt to fund the rent, food, bills etc. (of she toxic boyfriend).

It might take a couple of years for her to get back on track - but thats fine.

I would check your 'furious' state - its 100% understanable but she must not sense this otherwise you will alienate her and play into his plans.

She is very young and socially inexperienced - he is older than her and is manipulating and exploiting her financially.

However - you need to keep the kindness and open communication. Is she planning to be in the uni house all summer with him? This will be a diaster as they will be running up bills etc.

Pull the plug financially - get the LL or other students to fill the room - easy to do at this point - I expect they will be delighted not to have the cocklodger hanging on.

Best of luck. Keep calm, loving and compassionate - dont get angry with her she is being abused but doesnt know it yet. She will be anxious about everything - clearly she is ashamed that she failed as she was unable to tell her parents directly.

Vent here. Dont let her see a twitch. She's a victim here but needs a hard reality check to shift the dynamic.

Dont put a rocket up her or go nuclear. Just pull the financial plug - she doesnt need to know you have done this in anger or revenge - thats just putting her in the middle of two controlling relationships where she has no agency.

Have an emotionally nourishing time with her - she has been groomed, blindsided, exploited and overwhelmed with this hideous character. I wonder if he has done it to other naive uni students.

Sounds like me at that age. I turned out fine eventually. She's learning how to be a grown up. She'll make mistakes. Just be there for her when things go wrong.

I'd have the money and future conversation with him present although he'll make an excuse to leave rather than hear it as he won't want you asking him directly why you are expected to help keep him as well as her. Difficult. Wish you luck.

@Feelingabitconfused another option (before resorting to the nuclear one I suggested above) is to reduce your support by half, telling her that for the time being you are happy to support her, but not him. You will be happy to re-negotiate if he moves out or her study situation changes, but your support is not unconditional.