Daughter isolated in new city with new boyfriend who won’t go home

[Feelingabitconfused]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters.

I’m not sure whether to voice my concerns, and if so, what I can say without alienating her.

My daughter started at University last October, 5 hours drive from where we live. She has been working in a bar to part fund herself and has met someone who also works there, now her boyfriend. This all started in January, all fine. He is her first serious boyfriend. My main concern is that he’s not been home AT ALL since they got together around 10 weeks ago. He is a local lad, lives with his parents and is nearly 24. They sleep in her very small single bed, they sit and eat their meals on her floor (I know!). Whenever we face time she’s absolutely knackered, yawning throughout the call, he speaks, but refuses to be seen by me on face time, and she’s recently saying she’s completely out of money. We give her £50 per week to buy food etc, we pay all her accommodation, and she works to have more £ for spends. She has at least £100 per week to live on including work money.

Recently she’s been skipping lectures and hasn’t been attending her seminars either. She spends whole days in her room, presumably with this chap. They appear to do nothing together, other than stay in her room.

I know they’re not having sex yet as we’ve discussed this, and she’s very open with me, seeking advice about contraception etc. She has a gp appointment on 20 March for this (she’s not had sex yet) but says she feels like he doesn’t want to have sex as he’s in pain all the time; apparently he’s been run over twice, which might account for his pain levels. Also of concern is that he’s telling her he was beaten up by his parents, held down by his mum so he could take the beating. I don’t know when the last time this happened/ what age he was when this happened to him, but could well account for his reluctance to go home.

I know she’s classed as an adult, being 18, but my feeling is that her boyfriend is almost 24, she’s isolated, somehow broke despite having £100 bare minimum per week, and sharing her very small space with someone who it appears to me, doesn’t want to go home.

I’ve booked a place to stay to go to see her at the start of April - she sent me a screenshot list of her lectures for March so we could plan the trip and there was absolutely no time for me to visit and see her as all lectures were 9-5. I can see on life 360 app she hasn’t moved out of her room for 2 days! She wants the life 360 btw, she said it keeps her safe and she likes to see what we’re doing too.

AIBU? She’s an adult, she has to make her choices and feel the consequences?
AINBU? Have a real discussion with her and voice my concerns?

His 'bar job' might be where he buys and sells drugs and he likley has groomed your DD at work over the months before the relationship started.

Having read the thread - you could have a multi-pronged approach:

1. Halls security - get him moved out - also express your concerns so security can look out for your DD. She wont know you have done this.
2. Call student welfare express you concerns about coercive control, vulnerability, grooming, drugs, etc. They will decide how to investigate.
3. Call her academic dept - same as above.
4. Speak to her friends from home and any new ones from uni
5. Go visit. Watch and listen.
6. Claires Law or get his name and speak to local police - concerns grooming, coercive control, drugs. He may be known to them.

I'm awfully afraid that OP is now in bits, but I do think this is very concerning. I hope that she manages to make a positive intervention here.

I do think there needs to be some sort of legal halfway house regarding coming of age. Many 18 year olds are mature and capable, but many are naive and sheltered, quite a few of them think they know it all and they are all completely at the mercy of adolescent hormones.

I think the fact that once they are 18 a parent can have no realistic influence over them, especially when they go away to university, leaves too many vulnerable youngsters at risk, and removes the power of parents to help them.

I would be in the car OP. Turn up unannounced. I hope this all turns out well.

I’ve seen this type of man before. He’s a loser and wants to trap her into being a loser too. I’ve seen young women/teens fall into this trap and be stuck years.

This is why he’s attached himself to someone so much younger than him with no experience.

I also wonder if his sob stories are to guilt her into staying with him?

Hasn’t she got any mates from home who might be able to have a word?

This sounds like the very early days of the Lobster Boy threads - 24/7 oppressive and dominant BF.

@GiveMeSpanakopita Well done on you're road to recovery and thank you for taking the time to help OP and more importantly her daughter, good luck for the future x

Yes, look up 'vulnerable narcissist ', OP.

But the university has power to remove someone who has moved into halls. This needs to be the first line of action for OP. At my university he would be removed immediately. We’ve already had to do this more than once.

There’s also legislation proposed around “cuckoo-ing” I believe but tbh in this situation a robust response from concerned and loving relatives should be enough to frighten the little scrote off.

I don’t think a legal half way house is possible or desirable, there are an equal number of 18 year olds who probably need to be freed from unhelpful parental control. Either way, we shouldn’t infantilise our children for longer, we should be preparing them for adulthood sooner.

Can't wait to see the update when you get the door slammed in your face.

This entire thread is a dramatic overreaction

Parents should always be able to raise concerns but you cant control her and she is an individucal and fully responsbible for her actions, just because she is female does not give her any less brains then a man so she needs to sort this herself

sure we all know it wont end well but hopefully is she learns now she wont keep on making the same mistakes multible women do, but not you cant force her to do anything you can only be there for when it will all go wrong

Very worrying OP, I would go and visit.

Let us know how you get on @Feelingabitconfused, I would be concerned if this was my DD.

Good for you but my point still stands.

You are one person, in one university. We don't know OPs DD is in halls. What if she isn't, neither the university nor the parents could do any anything.

Could you book an appointment to take her to get her hair and or nails done....a girly afternoon out for the two of you. There's no way he would muscle in on that without it being obviously weird. Your daughter also won't get suss about your intentions. Have a wonderful afternoon and see does she initiate a conversation. If she doesn't, bring it up yourself later in your time together and say you are concerned and want to know what you can do to help her. See what she volunteers. Don't put words in her mouth.

I can see the pluses in this setup for him.and I don't doubt that he's live bombing and probably intrigued by her virginity and is waiting for that ....first serious boyfriend and sexual partner are big things for some and she might not feel comfortable telling him to leave and that they're over.

I would look in not alternative bars where she could potentially work. Maybe go there on the course of your time together and you could just drop it into conversation that it looks like the staff enjoy working here......

I hope this all works out

Of course they’re having sex

wake up

Speak to the accommodation manager/student housing. It is not legal for him to be there. Contact university safeguarding for advice and to report concerns.

I wonder if he's actually homeless and latched on to your daughter for a place to stay and eat?
You know without me adding to the 'there is something not right here.'
Go and see her this weekend. Turn up unannounced and hopefully you'll be able to clock what he looks like.

Please update us Monday as we are all worried now 😔
Good luck 🍀

Agree, this happened to me, also with my first boyfriend. I didn’t want him to move in, he turned up , having lost his flat and then refused to leave. It got very bad indeed and derailed my life for a while.
I have a daughter at uni and I would be driving there asap. With no warning, just turning up.

He's an abusive dick. Just go up there and tell her that. No appointment needed. Just turn up. She's floundering and he needs to know that she's got family. End of. 18 is not an adult in all cases.

Yes this!

if she can't be arsed to go to lectures or seminars, I don't really understand the relevance of planning your visit around her lecture schedule.

Is she in halls of residence, or a private rental? Is she allowed permanent visitors living with her?

Get yourself up there pronto. She’s bagged herself a cocklodger.