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Original poster

Mil and step-grandchild

328 replies

SpanishFork · 12/03/2025 17:25

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 12/03/2025 23:17

It sounds like some family went together to the match & they dropped the kids off.

At the end of the day your eldest isn't actually their grandchild. It's not their responsibility to make up for the grandparents missing on her bio father's side. I know this sounds horrible but it's how it is.

Did you drag the youngest away because you were annoyed?

Do you see your parents at all?

Tiswa · 12/03/2025 23:22

I do think yiur MIL handled it very badly @SpanishFork but there are some worrying signs with your daughter and how she felt about not knowing her birth father the consultant, the words half sibling and how she felt when she was there.

I think a middle ground here would be best for both your daughter

RawBloomers · 12/03/2025 23:22

This:
Had my in-laws been open with me I would have been devastated

Gives the lie to the beginning of your OP:
My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.
I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

You are expecting them to treat your DD the same as their own GC. She isn't. You say there normal treatment of her when she is with them is good,. So they are doing what you say you expect of them in your OP. They just want to be able to spend time with their GC without other children there. This is normal for grandparents. The grandparents should not have let forgotten their hosting manners when you turned up, but you clearly would still have been upset even if they had offered her food. Your DH is not facilitating his parents' access to time with just their GC and he ought to be. Is this because he knows you will not be happy about it?

ArtTheClown · 12/03/2025 23:34

It's insane that people are trying to defend this spiteful behaviour from the in laws.

Honestly some people on here are OBSESSED with their own replicated DNA. It apparently excuses any rudeness or unkindness to small children.

ArtTheClown · 12/03/2025 23:36

You are expecting them to treat your DD the same as their own GC. She isn't.

I think it might be different if OP's DD's dad's family was in the picture, but they are not. So you've got this poor oldest girl who is basically expected to be less-than in relation to the younger one, and that's bullshit. I think OP is correct to protect her nuclear family and ensure that the two sisters are treated equally under these circumstances, if the PILs won't open their hearts to the poor child.

RawBloomers · 12/03/2025 23:57

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 12/03/2025 23:03

That might be true had these people not have a history for actively excluding this little girl.

It's a nasty, petty, pattern of bullying and it shouldn't be accepted.

Show quote history

From what OP says, they don't have a pattern of actively excluding her any more than they have a pattern of actively excluding any children they know ut aren't related to.

OP says they normally treat her well when she is in their company but they sometimes ask to be able to include their grandchild in family events when their other grandchildren will be around. This isn't the same as actively excluding DD when she's there. She isn't their grandchild. they don't feel about her the same way as they do about their own grand children. That's normal and not at all nasty.

What it does sound like is happening is that DH is excluding his 5 year old from time with her extended family when his step child isn't also invited. Whether that's because he's upset about the DSC not being invited, because he fears OP's reaction if he does facilitate or because he's lazy, is unclear. But the 5 year old is the one getting the raw deal here.

Tryinghardtobefair · 13/03/2025 00:39

I really don't get this attitude of "othering" the step child on MN. Are there people who actually feel like that, or is it just an act because they're hiding behind a keyboard?

My DH and his family have treated DD as their own flesh and blood from when we became serious. Anyone else I know with a blended family treats the step child equally to their biological children. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone whose family saw my child as less than.

WellsAndThistles · 13/03/2025 00:47

How do they treat her normally? Was this a one off confusion with you changing the original plan or do you always find she is excluded?

Personally I think my step GC are fantastic and we do things with them while parents keep our 'blood' younger GC at home as he's a bit young to do the same activities as his older siblings. The more kids in my life the merrier! Ultimately all those kids will be the ones visiting me in the care home 😆.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 13/03/2025 03:58

RawBloomers · 12/03/2025 23:57

From what OP says, they don't have a pattern of actively excluding her any more than they have a pattern of actively excluding any children they know ut aren't related to.

OP says they normally treat her well when she is in their company but they sometimes ask to be able to include their grandchild in family events when their other grandchildren will be around. This isn't the same as actively excluding DD when she's there. She isn't their grandchild. they don't feel about her the same way as they do about their own grand children. That's normal and not at all nasty.

What it does sound like is happening is that DH is excluding his 5 year old from time with her extended family when his step child isn't also invited. Whether that's because he's upset about the DSC not being invited, because he fears OP's reaction if he does facilitate or because he's lazy, is unclear. But the 5 year old is the one getting the raw deal here.

Show quote history

Yes, this is a pattern of excluding her 9yo:

There has been a cousin wedding where DH had to ask for an invitation for elder one which was forthcoming.
There was another occasion where there were lots of photos being taken and then awkwardness when elder one who was carrying a small younger one had younger one taken out of her arms by DH’s niece and when elder one didn’t move had to be told by other niece to go to

RawBloomers · 13/03/2025 06:25

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 13/03/2025 03:58

Yes, this is a pattern of excluding her 9yo:

There has been a cousin wedding where DH had to ask for an invitation for elder one which was forthcoming.
There was another occasion where there were lots of photos being taken and then awkwardness when elder one who was carrying a small younger one had younger one taken out of her arms by DH’s niece and when elder one didn’t move had to be told by other niece to go to

Show quote history

Two incidents, one of which was DH’s cousin and the other his niece, isn’t a pattern of the GPs excluding.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/03/2025 06:46

UndermyShoeJoe · 12/03/2025 21:50

Well they clearly did. A party or get together was happening the op was not invited to and yet she arrived without an invite or a call ahead.

Edited
Show quote history

How on earth is it gate crashing for OP to pick up her daughter during a party that she didn't know was happening? The arrangement was that they look after her younger daughter while she attends the hospital appointment. She would then pick up her daughter when the appointment was finished. That is exactly what happened. It is irrelevant that OP was earlier than they expected. She didn't know about the party, she was picking up her daughter as agreed so it wasn't gate crashing. Are you saying that she needed an invitation to be able to pick up her own daughter?

AtouchOfCloth · 13/03/2025 06:54

I'd find this really hurtful. My eldest is a teen and isn't a biological grandchild of my mil. However, my mil treats her like her own and would never purposely exclude her. As a result they have a wonderful relationship. My mil is due to go for surgery and my eldest was one of the first to offer her post-op support.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/03/2025 07:00

I think when you ask someone to look after your child for a time period it's not unreasonable that they will make plans for said period and be unimpressed at you wanting to take the child home early. It would have been better for you to text or call ahead rather than just turning up early.

The not offering food or drink, as described by yourself, sounds quite rude though.

It does sound like your older DC is struggling with having a different rather to her sibling. I wonder if this is something she needs to talk over with someone.

BridgetJones55 · 13/03/2025 07:05

Op, your first child is not their grandchild.

I don’t see what’s wrong in having a lunch party with their own grandkids. They arranged it when you were away with your elder daughter so that no one is offended by this “me and my grandkids” party.

You should have fed your older child ! Were you expecting your in-laws to give her food when you arrived? Would they have said “no” if you just took a place and gave the elder one something to eat ?? YOU let her down!

I think you are pissed off that they are not including your older DD. They don’t owe you this. Your DDs dad’s family has nothing to do with her - this is not your in-laws problems. As long as they are civil and polite with her, you cannot complain !

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/03/2025 07:09

@SpanishFork maybe just me but does anyone else think that @UndermyShoeJoe is in fact a member of OP's dh family??? she is certainly blaming the OP when the op is innocent and only went to pick up her child who they were babysitting. she was totally unaware of a party to which her elder child had not been invited. the inlaws are horrible people.

Munnygirl · 13/03/2025 07:15

BridgetJones55 · 13/03/2025 07:05

Op, your first child is not their grandchild.

I don’t see what’s wrong in having a lunch party with their own grandkids. They arranged it when you were away with your elder daughter so that no one is offended by this “me and my grandkids” party.

You should have fed your older child ! Were you expecting your in-laws to give her food when you arrived? Would they have said “no” if you just took a place and gave the elder one something to eat ?? YOU let her down!

I think you are pissed off that they are not including your older DD. They don’t owe you this. Your DDs dad’s family has nothing to do with her - this is not your in-laws problems. As long as they are civil and polite with her, you cannot complain !

This post is incredibly spiteful. OP please ignore it

Bailamosse · 13/03/2025 07:16

It does sound like your older DC is struggling with having a different rather to sibling. I wonder if this is something she needs to talk over with someone

I agree with this. The party is throwing light on a fact that she is finding hard to process.

Pinkyhere · 13/03/2025 07:53

I feel so sorry for the 9 year old. Really awful to feel left out and unwanted.
At best its simply lack of empathy.
Very cruel not to show warmth if not love to any child entering your home.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/03/2025 08:14

It sounds from the conversation with that consultant like this 9 year old has taken on the idea that it's shameful to not have an involved father. I'm not blaming you for that OP, society has all sorts of baggage that sometimes gets passed on to kids and we don't know where it's come from.

Going forwards though I think this is something she needs to learn to cope with talking about, I assume she will have more medical appointments in future. Talking about genetic history is really commonplace.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/03/2025 08:51

BridgetJones55 · 13/03/2025 07:05

Op, your first child is not their grandchild.

I don’t see what’s wrong in having a lunch party with their own grandkids. They arranged it when you were away with your elder daughter so that no one is offended by this “me and my grandkids” party.

You should have fed your older child ! Were you expecting your in-laws to give her food when you arrived? Would they have said “no” if you just took a place and gave the elder one something to eat ?? YOU let her down!

I think you are pissed off that they are not including your older DD. They don’t owe you this. Your DDs dad’s family has nothing to do with her - this is not your in-laws problems. As long as they are civil and polite with her, you cannot complain !

OP was just expecting to pick up her younger daughter because she didn't know about the party. I assume that she was planning to feed both her children at home or maybe go out for lunch together.

You can criticise OP for being upset. You can't criticise her for spoiling a party that she didn't know was happening. She doesn't need permission to pick up her own daughter from her grandparents' house. Her old daughter's appointment finished earlier than expected so she thought that it would be a nice thing for her to pick up her daughter as this would mean that her DH could go out for a drink after the match with his brother, cousin and friend.

caramac04 · 13/03/2025 09:03

Wow who would ignore a child and not offer them food and drink?
I’m hoping that in time I will meet the little girl who hopefully will be my step granddaughter. It’s far too early for her to meet my ds so it’s going to be a while.
This little girl will be treated exactly the same as my other dgc.
I can’t imagine blatantly excluding a child like that. No refreshment or care about her hospital appt? Miserable bloody lot. Vile.

Maray1967 · 13/03/2025 09:13

thepariscrimefiles · 12/03/2025 17:52

Well, if they had offered OP's older child a drink when they offered OP one instead of pointedly and rudely leaving her out, OP would probably have stayed longer. OP was completely in the right for leaving with both her children once they made it clear how unwelcome OP's older daughter was.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The older DC should have been included and squeezed in at the table and given a plate of food and told it was lovely to see her and great that the hospital appointment ran to time so she can join in.

NOT made unwelcome and excluded. I would fave taken both DC away in that situation.

Maray1967 · 13/03/2025 09:15

My DM’s close friend treats her SGD the same as her biological DGC. Same gifts, same welcome. That is how it should be.

Lovelysummerdays · 13/03/2025 09:25

I think you are at cross purposes here. They clearly wanted to spend quality time with grandchild and had made plans. You saw it as childcare. I actually think it was quite rude to come early and remove your child. Generally if you make plans you should stick to it unless there is a good reason for the change. I don’t think I was finished anyway and DH might like a drink is a good reason.

Perfectly fine to contact and ask, finished sooner than expected would you like me to collect Dd early but I’d of accepted a no with good grace.

TofuFighters · 13/03/2025 09:29

I think it’s fine that they took the opportunity to have a party and get photos with their actual GC. It wasn’t ok if they didn’t make your oldest daughter feel welcome when you arrived though. They may have been shocked at your early arrival home, it may even have ruined their plans, but it’s no excuse to leave a 9 year old child out.

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