Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

But as far as OP knew, the arrangement was childcare. The in-laws were asked to look after their grandchild while her mum took her sister to a hospital appointment. OP didn't know about their plans so how on earth was it rude of her to come early to pick up her own child? It was the grandparents' deliberate decision to keep the party a secret that led to this embarassing and distressing situation for OP and her elder daughter.

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture.

They arranged a full on party with all their grandchildren (including ones who had travelled far) just because they knew your daughter wouldn't be able to attend as she had a hospital appointment?? Really???

Because the appointment meant they would have their granddaughter 'all to themselves', which doesn't usually happen presumably.

The secret keeping wasn't ideal but I'd argue that when it's grandparents doing the childcare it's not unusual for it to double up as quality time. If given a time period it makes sense to fill it with plans. It's not like picking a child up from nursery early.

I assume that they organised the party on that date because they knew they would have their grandaughter on her own, without her sibling and her mum.

If they weren't trying to deliberately exclude OP's elder daughter, why didn't they mention that they would be having a family get-together? If OP had known about it in advance and that her older daughter wasn't invited, she would have still been upset but wouldn't have turned up with her older child to collect her younger daughter.

I feel sorry for the grandparents that they have to arrange things in secret just to spend time with their own grandchild. Just because your older child doesn’t have a relationship with her paternal family doesn’t mean your younger one shouldn’t, she may grow to resent you not allowing her to spend time alone with her family.

From one of OP’s posts:

Sister has spoken with DH about this and I think DH agrees that MiL could see her on her own but he does nothing to facilitate it.

That’s not on OP or her elder daughter, it’s on her husband.

Sounds like it’s always been clear they aren’t interested in a relationship with your eldest.

I don’t know what to do or think. I accept that they want a relationship with their actual grandchildren and it must be great having them all together but at the same time I wish they would think of her as a grandchild while my brain says she is not. I know I am contradicting myself.

They are nice people and when I was on here yesterday I answered a question about how they usually treat her, they usually treat her well but it seems when there is a special occasion she is as someone said othered.

I don’t think I can do anything about that.

I have never had a conversation with them about her and their relationship.

They are called different names by their own grandchildren, one set calls them x and another y. It doesn’t seem to matter to them. When I was pregnant I did ask FiL if he wanted elder DD to call them anything. He said he had no issue with children calling adults by their first names- I think he knew what I was hinting at but he deflected.

They will talk to elder DD but if she mentions e.g a pancake place she was invited to they will ask where it was in order to take other grandchildren.

Another thing they do that my mum and aunt never do is split grandchildren so they might take one of SiL’s and one of BiL’ out together leaving their siblings. This doesn’t seem to bother them.

The cousins are nice but the elder one talk to elder DD as if she is a stranger that they have to be polite to. The younger ones even though nearer. elder DD’s age gravitate towards younger one.

They go to all of their grandchildren’s events but I have given up asking them to my elder girl’s as they don’t come.

DH doesn’t see what his mother did wrong and can’t see what he can do to make me feel better. He wouldn’t tolerate rudeness but they are not really rude even on Saturday with the hospitality, I believe that they were shocked and it was an oversight.

Respectfully why can’t you understand that they do not want to view her as a blood grandchild?

They are respectful and civil towards her and they don’t need to go over and above that

Your dh isn’t mad because you have no evidence whatsoever that this was organised to exclude your child

Interesting how you say they never have your youngest without you or dh present

Are you now thinking that to get back at you for withholding her they organised the get together?

Your own child must be able to feel your disappointment- you need to stop that. She is not the same as them biologically and it is ok for them to not treat her as such

It’s not a crime, they aren’t abusive or cruel. The issue here is you imo

Ignore that last response OP.

It’s obvious it WAS arranged to exclude your older daughter. How could it not be? As for your younger daughter not seeing them without you or DH present, you’ve already explained that.

As I keep saying, you can’t force them to do anything they don’t want to, no, but that doesn’t make it right of them or less hurtful to you and your DD to know they feel the way they do. There are plenty of people on this thread and in real life that would treat your elder DD as one of the family without question, and those that wouldn’t really don’t have any excuse apart from the fact they’re arses.

These threads always boil down to the same thing: if you wanted step-grandparents who would treat your first child like your second child, you should have chosen differently.

YOU chose to marry this man. YOU chose to bring your eldest daughter into this family. Your eldest daughter didn't ask for this. Your in-laws didn't ask for this. They are allowed to, and do feel that their family excludes step-grandchildren, whatever anyone might think of that (just wait for wills to be read). It was incumbent upon YOU to look out for your first child and not put her in this position. Now that it's too late, YOU have to deal with a situation YOU created for YOUR daughter.

In their defense OP what would have happened if they had been honest? If they'd said something like "great, their cousins are down for the weekend, we'll use it as an opportunity for a little get together"? Would you have been ok or would you have found other childcare? Did they feel like honesty was an option?

I think you need to find a way to process the lack of paternal family for your older DC. It feels almost like you have just hoped that your ILs would replace them. Your older DC also sounds really unhappy about her family situation. Even if your ILs do get to know her and include her more situations like that one with the consultant will still come up. It sounds like there is a lot that needs talking over with someone impartial.

DH can’t see what his mother did wrong because she didn’t do anything wrong.

I agree with this.

I think even as a parent it is very hard to love a stepchild as your own. Maybe if you have known it as a baby or very young child (which may be the case in your case, if you other DD is 5). People won't admit it but all my friends who have inherited SC, usually aged around age 10 when they come into the family, simply cannot wait for them to leave, even if on the face of it they are nice to them and get on OK. And look at the number of threads on here - mums who don't want to take SC to their activites because it's an inconvenience, or take them on holiday, when if it was their child they wouldn't think twice.

For grandparents it's even harder. I think GP also love their grandchildren because they are an extension of their own child, and the love they have for their child almost 'flows out' to that child's child. They can see the resemblances, and reminisce about that child's childhood. But your DD is not an extension of their son. And as someone has said above, if you were to break up she would be out of their lives. They also have lots of other GC by the sound of it, so plenty of outlets for their love and energies, they don't need this one on top.
If you leave DD2 with them, they will be thrilled. If you leave DD1 alone with them, they will be kind, but see it as doing you a favour - because she is YOUR child. You might try this (leaving both together, so using their desire to have DD1) in the hope that with alone time with DD1 they will get to know her and love her, especially if they have any shared interests. But I think you need to accept they are unlikely to see her the same way and she will always be an add on. Most stepmothers would say the same thing. Why expect grandparents, who see the children even less, to be different....

Also agree with this.
They are not responsible for the fact your DD doesn't have loving GPs on the other side... or the choices you made on who you chose to have a child with.

I have to say I am shocked by some of the replies here. There seems to be an awful lot of sticking up for the Grandparents with not much though about the 9 year old girl who had to stand there and experience it. It really isn’t that difficult to include an extra child into the pool of grandchildren. The OP is not asking for a kidney. All this nonsense about it her not being a blood relative blah blah blah is a mask for cruel behaviour. Your husband OP is wrong in not seeing an issue because it creates an issue in your family where your two children are not being treated the same and your husband should be sympathetic to this.

It must be difficult to deal with OP, because of course you love both girls equally and want the best for them both, including loving involved extended family. I do think it is in the best interests of your eldest however to stop
hoping that your DH family can provide this. It is your daughter’s father who has let her down. While of course it would be really great if your in laws could make up for what her father’s family have done, it’s really unreasonable to expect that on any level. Your daughter is not a blood relation of these people, and to a lot of families that matters. You say yourself they ‘split’ their own gc’s. But I don’t see it as splitting, it’s spending quality time and focussing energy so you can build individual relationships. I accept it is not nice for your elder child to never be included, but it’s not something they are obliged to do, and it can only breed resentment to feel pissed off they aren’t doing it.

My advice would be to work on helping your older daughter understand as she grows up about her distinctive strengths and opportunities, and perhaps a bit about her father’s side. Your job is to ameliorate the pain of her father’s abandonment; this can’t be put on in-laws who really are doing nothing wrong by wanting a close relationship with their son’s child, and not making a huge effort to include her half-sister. So many times I see bio parents expecting step families to make up for poor choices or bad outcomes that are of the bio parent’s making. No step family is obliged to do this. You own your past mistakes and their consequences. Yes some of us get lucky with step families who go above and beyond, but this is not the majority.

As someone mired in a complicated blended family dynamic, there are lots of reasons why step-children/gc are not ‘treated as equals’ that don’t simply equate to the ‘new’ family being nasty. It is difficult to raise or bond with children who you have no legal rights or responsibilities towards, whose own parents make decisions you disagree with and who may be damaged from decisions their parents have made (such as your exes decision to abandon your daughter). The person who you need to prioritise in all this is your child, and that means giving her coping strategies for the reality of her life, rather than fuelling insecurities and resentments about her life - especially towards people who have done nothing apart from be pleasant to her.

So many people excusing the IL’s just because her bio family aren’t in her DD’s life. That’s irrelevant in terms of this situation. What her bio family does shouldn’t have any effect on how the step family treat her.

My son still has his dad’s family and my husband’s family. I still had my bio family as well as my step family.

Sadly, OP, I doubt there’s anything you can do to change them. That doesn’t make them right though. Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for your relationship though.

Honestly I don’t see the problem with the GP arranging for the other cousins to be there, taking a few pictures and arranging for food etc. I suspect the secrecy was because they knew you wouldn’t be happy about it and even maybe not agree to leave your youngest with them.

The only thing that is not ok is to not offer food to your daughter when you arrived (assuming others were still eating?) but this part is unclear.

Is your eldest expecting the same treatment from your DH’s parents than their grandchildren get? Maybe you should explain to her that while your DH has chosen to treat her like a daughter, it doesn’t mean all his relatives feel the same - they haven’t made the choice, only he did.

@HÆLTHEPAIN

You expect all grandparents to take on all step children as their own blood?

Really?

Why should they?

Why wouldn’t they?

Completely agree. Nobody's saying they have to include her in their lives on a regular basis, but openly excluding her like this is really mean and very thoughtless for the feelings of the child. This whole "not my blood kin" thing is absolutely vile

I always hear Peggy Mitchell's voice when I read those posts 😣

I think for yourself, and your DD, you need to stop pushing it, they’ve made it clear that they will be kind and polite but that’s it, they don’t love her like a grandchild and don’t want to develop that bond and as painful as it is for you that’s their right.

From the examples you’ve given this isn’t a new issue, you’ve tried to involve them and grow a relationship with your child and them but they just aren’t interested, so just keep it breezy and don’t try and force your daughter on them as you don’t want her to pick up on it and be hurt, shield her from it and act as if it’s no biggie and she’ll follow your lead.