Mil and step-grandchild

[SpanishFork]

My eldest daughter is nine and does not see her father or any members of his family. This is their choice.

I do not expect my in-laws in any way to make up for this but to treat her kindly and respectfully and the same as any other children when they are all present.

She has a condition which is not life threatening but is on occasion painful. Around 80% of children do not go on to suffer with this as adults. We have to go to hospital every three to six months so I have to take time off and an appointment with travel and waiting around takes most of the day.

I was absolutely delighted when an appointment came through on a Saturday. My husband was going to a game so rather than drag my five year old along she was left with my mother-in-law.

Well on Saturday everything went our way and we were in and out of the hospital in just under an hour.

We arrived at in-laws who were completely shocked that we were so early. They were having a full on party lunch with all of their actual grandchildren including a 20 year old who had come down from Durham for the occasion. They had had a photo session the lot.

I was eventually offered a tea and my eldest daughter stood by my youngest at the table. She was offered nothing. I took both of them home. They begged me to leave youngest so she could spend time with her cousins. Youngest started crying.

DH who was with his brother, cousin and friend was going to collect daughter after the match but I thought as I was so unexpectedly early I would do it and he could go for a drink.

God that’s long. Sorry!

The in-laws did this deliberately thinking my eldest would be out of the picture. I am absolutely upset. DH can’t see what my problem is.

@LucyMonth I'm a step child & step grandchild twice over. Their behaviour was disgusting. They don't need to pretend her daughter is a blood relative but rude, selfish & exclusionary behaviour is not OK.

If this were a work situation with colleagues, it would be a case of bullying and there's a good reason for that.

She is 9 years old, there's no way on earth she should be made to feel as shit as this by people who should know better.

Actually, sounds like the issue is the Grandparents are desperate for alone time with their granddaughter, which isn’t forthcoming. Hence why they got so excited by this opportunity and seized it with a party, photos etc.

I do think it’s odd that you didn’t text or call ahead to warn them out of courtesy. They could have taken your daughter out somewhere for a treat, a meal, to the park etc, or have something innocent planned (baking etc) which your early return would have spoiled for them and her. I would have either texted ahead or turned up at the expected time (taking the opportunity for bonding time with DD1).
Sounds to me like you are trying to restrict DD1 alone time with her grandparents which isn’t fair to them or her.

It actually makes me so sad that kids are having to experience such shitty behaviour. And before anyone says that’s the fault of the parents because they blended the family - no it isn’t. It’s the fault of the so called grown ups who choose to make a child feel exluded.

Basically it’s all very well to blame MIL, but I think you do bear some responsibility for your DD1 being put in an awkward situation and maybe feeling bad, both for the way you changed the plans with no warning, and how you reacted when it all unfolded (not playing it bright and breezy, giving her your chair, grabbing food for her and giving her a plate (if it was buffet style) , or even just saying ‘oh I see you have a party, DD and I will head off for a spot of clothes shopping or whatever , see you later’ , and saving face for everyone.

You've put it perfectly.

My SD would never be left out like this by my parents, they wouldn't dream of excluding her from a photo or anything like that. It's insane that people are trying to defend this spiteful behaviour from the in laws.

It was incredibly rude of the gp’s not to include your child when you arrived. How often do they get alone time with the youngest? Is your oldest always there? It’s understandable they would want to spend time with their grandchild and bond with her without your oldest child around, but this needs to be done kindly and your oldest should not feel sidelined.

But again if the op hadn’t arrived unannounced the older dd wouldn’t have a bloody clue.

you think the sisters don’t speak? Of course older DD would know about it later.

i think if a neighbour or a friend had popped in and they had a child with them I’d expect them to be offered a drink. The lack of manners is shocking, the fact they know her is just plain mean.

I think you need to think about your 5 year old daughters feelings too, not just your 9 year olds. It seems that she's not able to have much of a relationship with her parental grandparents because you don't want her going there without her sister.

I think this is unfair, she's getting punished because your in-laws don't have the same feelings for their step-grandchild as their full grandchild.

They didn't intentionally hurt your DD1, obviously she wasn't supposed to know there was a party she wasn't invited to and they must have been shocked when you turned up. I don't think they're cruel, and I don't think your DD2 should have to stop spending time with them.

The issue about not being offered a drink or food seems to be down to surprise and confusion, but it sounds like you didn't stay long enough for either of you to get properly settled down. I don't think you should make a big of this with your kids, your DD1 should not be made to choose between her sister anf grandparents.

This. You are clearly doing lots of digging and unpicking things in front of, or using the children. You are making it worse for both.
You need to stop this, absorb the tension, but to them show calm.

That’s not what she said. Her and DH agreed she could see them alone but he needs to facilitate it and he hasn’t done anything about it. That’s not for OP to sort out.

My husband did not know anything beforehand and not all of them were there when he dropped off.

I have not been digging as someone suggested. My elder daughter complained she had not been offered a mousse type thing and younger one said she had been offered pizza by middle cousin

I think this is miscommunication blown out of all proportion.

Your inlaws are keen to see their granddaughter, to spend time with her, and just her, rather as part of the family unit with DH, you, and your daughter. You say this doesn't happen.

In order to allow you to take you eldest to her hospital appointment and DH to go to the match with his cousin, your inlaws kindly agreed to have your 5 year old for the afternoon, with her dad collecting her after then match,

Excited to make the most of time with her and to get some familty photos, they invited the rest of their grandchildren (but not half for step siblings) to a partry tea.

Rather than leave things as arranged and have DH collect your youngest, you turned up to collect her. You didn't text first to say you were altering the afternoon's plans.

They were surprised and wrong-footed, reacted in a way not typical of their usual behaviour, and were clearly uncomfortable, as were you. They were probably hoping you'd just go and leave them to it as originally planned, you were probably shocked to walk in on a family event.

You then made a much bigger deal of it by asking about whether or not your DD1 had been offered food, which only draws both your daughters' attention to the situation. I unbderstand you were feeling protective of your eldest, having been to a hospital appointment about a painful condition and also seeing her have to disclose she doesn't know her father's family to the consultant.

I'd chalk it up to poor communications and unfortunate timings and move on.

@SpanishFork I'd be really annoyed.

They have purposely seized their moment to have a party without your eldest which is wrong (to lie).

They probably know you'd have said no or said eldest needs to be included which is why you knew nothing.

I understand they don't feel a bond with eldest however you are going to want equal for your girls and good for you.

I feel for your eldest as she will know she's being excluded by adults ffs.

They didn't lie. THey offered to have the younger child which helped out OP and her DH. They then made an event out of it. That sounds a nice thing for the 5yo, and the 9yo was supposed to be busy that afternoon.

Exactly this.

They lied by omission because they didn’t tell OP or her husband at all. Someone came a distance so it was obviously planned at least a little in advance. If they weren’t doing it deliberately to leave the older child out, why not tell op or her husband. Probably because they knew they were being sly.

You are not unreasonable that's despicable

Agree .

They were not at all polite on this occasion. It is horribly rude to not offer and food or drink to anyone, let alone a child when others around them are all having food and drinks.

That might be true had these people not have a history for actively excluding this little girl.

It's a nasty, petty, pattern of bullying and it shouldn't be accepted.

Impressive analysis.

I really like how you took snippets from OP and reworked them into a brand new narrative. Complete with added suppositions, wilful misrepresentations and including the feelings and motivations of total strangers.

Do you do parties with your mind reader act.

Your in-laws have been idiots. They could have told you and your DH they were going to make a lunch out of it, then made a big fuss of your eldest when she got there. Instead they were caught out being sneaky about gathering all of their grandchildren together behind your back and so were (presumably) too startled to be their usual hospitable selves. I'd be pretty annoyed about their behaviour and would wait and see what they had to say for themselves about it.

OP do not listen to any of this

I think you need to think about your 5 year old daughters feelings too, not just your 9 year olds. It seems that she's not able to have much of a relationship with her parental grandparents because you don't want her going there without her sister.

To be fair, the OP says her DH would be ok with the youngest spending time with his parents but does nothing to facilitate it. It's not her job to do that.

Does it actually matter?