Or is my sister a selfish @&£)!

[WellOffWeGo]

She has consistently made bad choices in life. Had two kids very close together, very young (not a bad choice for many but she was emotionally unstable). She has then lived on benefits. She made very little attempts to work. Was actually fraudulent at times. Has skipped out on many utility bills. Studied so she could get a job (great!) then got fired.

I worked really hard and have a stable career. I’ve always worked and before I qualified I often worked several jobs to make ends meet. I’m in a better and more stable financial situation than her for sure. But actually have some significant financial struggles coming up. She has just seen me generously pay for every single thing we have ever done together and have been generous with her kids (whom she has been physically and verbally abusive to I am now finding out now they are adults).

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.

Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t.

BTW giving grandchildren some was HER idea which I agreed with.

I know legally it’s all ours but morally …

The only reasonable answer here is to half it. She pays you back the advance you gave her child from her half, it is then her duty to seek that from her own child.

If you wish to give some of your half to your children, go ahead. If she keeps all hers her children can also take that up with her.

Yeah I would say you get half minus the advance you gave to her child and leave her side of the inheritance to do what she wants with.

I’m left with a decision. Do I give them the money from my half?

I love them dearly and want to help them but also may need everything I get. But it feels so unfair for them. And unfair to me. And this is what she’s always done. Played the victim and rallied people round. From relatives she has had way more than me because she does this. She always gets bailed out.

Sounds like you’ve been very conscientious and decent in life and very good to your sister OP. From what you say about your sister I would distance myself from her completely.

However to be fair she’s entitled to what she wants with her half of the inheritance- is entitled technically to change her mind

50/50.

You give your kids some out of your half if you want to.

Unfortunately your arrangement with your nephew is between you and him. I wouldnt lend any money to any of them again though.

They won’t. They are both very vulnerable as a consequence of her abuse. One is NC. She is a bully. I feel like I should stand up to her on their behalf. It’s so upsetting how she treats them.

Her kids are wonderful and have never asked for anything. I offered based on the verbal agreement that my sister and I made that the GC would get something.

The resentment is clear (and understandable) and that means you absolutely need to draw the line and never loan, bail out, or cover the share of her or her DC again. Focus on your own.

Thanks. Yes. That’s the stark reality. She is unbelievably selfish. Always has been. And people just fall for her surface level charm or tears and bail her out. She is a user. So many stories I could tell of her treating people with utter contempt. I just feel this urge to protect her kids. They have done nothing wrong. They are lovely lovely people despite her.

Never loan money to family or friends with the expectation that you'll see it again.

It's likely to be money you'll have to write off together with the relationship with your sister.

I’ll keep supporting her kids. I love them and they are wonderful. Never asked for anything. Should have said that I offered the loan rather than being asked.

I will be very low to no contact once this hideousness is over.

You sound lovely, but your sister is clearly dishonest and a liar. She thinks nothing of cheating jobs, bills and now you.

You were very kind but I think a little naive to trust her word and assume she wouldn't go back on it.

Her children are lucky to lave you in their life.

Give your children some out if your half. She can decide what to do with her half.

Then the gift is from you, not their grandparents.

sorry for your loss.

If there’s no will saying money goes to grandchildren, I’m not sure what you can legally do if she digs her heels.

Yes, it’s horrible that she agreed to giving money to the grandchildren earlier on but changed her mind when it came to actually handing the money over.

But to be honest, that’s remarkably common. Sharing theoretical money is easy; actually following through when someone isn’t in a great financial situation themselves is a lot harder. It’s always been like this - read the first couple of pages of Sense and Sensibly for example!

How much of the money did you advance to your nephew/niece? All of it, or a portion? If it was only a portion of it, I’d try insisting all grandchildren got that amount and the rest is halved. Get as firm about it as you can. But ultimately you can’t compel her if the will (or intestate rules) say 50:50.

Why not take the money owed to you before the split of the estate also give the same to each GC the same before giving your sister her part, that's if you are the executor of the will

Thanks.

I will never ever give her anything ever again.

Yes. I will suggest that. Thanks.

Split it 50/50 with her minus what she owes for the loan you gave.

What you do with your half is up to you. I think wanting to give her children something is absolutely lovely of you but I would only do it if it wouldn’t affect the amount you’d give your children and you are financially comfortable and in a place (now and in the future) where you can easily afford to do so without regretting it.

I would be having very little/no contact with her going forwards.

Yeah. I could have predicted this. I thought for once she was thinking about her kids. 😞

Maybe write off the previous money you've given but split the rest right down the middle. Your sister can sort out her children's money from her half. Then don't bail her out anymore. I know you love her children but your sister is taking the pee.

It’s a shame for the kids but it’s 100% on their mum if she refuses to share. You shouldn’t be guilted into forking out from your half.

Exactly. You are being taken advantage of.

im not really bothered about the loan when I think about it. I’d happily give the same amount again and have often gifted them money. It’s the lack of fairness, the dishonesty and mostly just feeling so upset at how little she values her kids.

She probably was, in the minute. I doubt she thought longer term.

Then the reality of giving up money she could legally keep, that is actually hers, had her backpedal. Take as old as time, I’m afraid, but not any the less rotten for her children.

You can't just divvy up the money in any way you fancy, there are legal requirements to be followed. Which seems to be 50/50 to the two daughters, not doled out to grandkids.