Or is my sister a selfish @&£)!

[WellOffWeGo]

She has consistently made bad choices in life. Had two kids very close together, very young (not a bad choice for many but she was emotionally unstable). She has then lived on benefits. She made very little attempts to work. Was actually fraudulent at times. Has skipped out on many utility bills. Studied so she could get a job (great!) then got fired.

I worked really hard and have a stable career. I’ve always worked and before I qualified I often worked several jobs to make ends meet. I’m in a better and more stable financial situation than her for sure. But actually have some significant financial struggles coming up. She has just seen me generously pay for every single thing we have ever done together and have been generous with her kids (whom she has been physically and verbally abusive to I am now finding out now they are adults).

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.

Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t.

BTW giving grandchildren some was HER idea which I agreed with.

I know legally it’s all ours but morally …

I did not see the op mention that she has her own dc. This preoccupation with dn would not happen if you had your own. I doubt you would be loaning either. Are you leaving your estate to your dn? If so, see this as an advance and leave it be. Your sister’s share has nothing to do with you.

Surely you give her half minus the amount that you loaned to her child on the explicit understanding it would eventually come from her share of the inheritance. Eg inheritance is 250k so you get 125k each. You loaned her child 10k, so what you end up with is 135k (125 plus your 10 refunded) and she gets 115k

Legally, the OP cannot do this unless the sister agrees. It's not the OP's money to 'give'. Under the intestacy laws (assuming OP is in England) the estate must be split equally between all siblings. So, if there's just the OP and her sister, the estate is split 50/50. It's up to the sister if she wants to vary this, not the OP.

It sounds like the loan was a fairly small amount to cover attending the funeral? You have to halve the estate if the parent was intestate, then you are free to gift to the next generation as you wish from your half . I’d just give each grandchild the same amount less the loan amount to the one who got an advance. They will get less if your sister won’t contribute from her half but you can’t force her - I assume they are all fairly clear eyed as to what she is like.
The issue will be if your gift to them (whatever you decide is appropriate) is less than the loan amount, but I think you’ll just have to chalk that one up to a family expense - it was important that you could all attend the funeral.

Yes I know. Me and my sister get to decide and if she decides to go back in her agreement I have no way of stopping that. It’s just hard to see her re-hurting her kids again and again. They are so lovely and she’s so lucky but she treats them like crap.

The thing to do in this case is to make a stand, if you do feel so strongly. Split everything 50/50 and if she then doesn’t do as she promised and share with her children, stand up for them and draw a line. Say you can’t support this decision or pretend you are happy with the way she treats her children. Create some distance there as a way to show support for them.

I have my own. My niblings came along before mine and I have always loved them and wanted to be there for them. Especially seeing my sister be so rubbish with them. My DC are my priority of course and niblings are adults now.

I will try and leave my niblings something but I’m not sure I’ll have much with things that are coming in the future sadly.

Yes. I will be very clear with everyone what has happened and that I want nothing to do with her anymore. I have really only kept a relationship with for the sake of others. She adds nothing positive to my life but often causes me stress or upset. I’m done with her after this. When our other parent goes or if niblings get married etc I’ll be civil and respectful but she’s cooked her goose with me. I’m done.

That’s not something you need to feel guilty about. I think the vocal support and not just “brushing it away” will be everything they need after feeling betrayed by their mother again

I’d advise her of her original agreement and if she still wants to go ahead , I’d make it clear that her selfish actions is the last straw and you will cut her out of your life.

OP if you have emails - physical proof - that the intention was to give her child a small loan based on the idea you would be sharing inheritance with them perhaps the best course of action would be to split 50/50 and then take her to small claims for the loan amount. Its only £30 to start a small claims going and you have physical evidence of the intention of a loan from the inheritance.

How much was the funeral costs for your nephew? TBH unless he flew over from Australia I’d just write it off as it just confuses things. If it’s shown you that you need to cut ties with your sister it’s worth it TBH.

Normally MN goes keep out of it, none of your beeswax. But in this case I'm sure 'somebody' could report the sister.

PS OP now that you're not giving money/paying for things for your sister, perhaps you could divert that money to the niblings instead.

The nuclear option. Do you know what I’ve got nothing to loose. I doubt it will shift her though.

Report to who? She’s not technically or legally doing anything wrong. Shes just being her usual selfish and entitled self.

It’s not enough to take it to court. Honestly I’m fine with my nibbling having the money. I’ll need to equal it for the other one. It’s the moral outrage I feel that makes me angry.

Yeah! I’d pay a lot of money to never have to deal with her again!! 😂😂

You and your Sister really don't get to decide. Laws of intestacy apply. So 50% to you and 50% to your sister. She isn't doing anything wrong. If you want to give your children some of your share, that is up to you. If she doesn't want to give her children anything from her share, that is entirely up to her. It isn't your responsibility to give part of your share to your niece's.

You make it sound like the two of you can just decide this between you and you don't like your sister very much. This is not something you can demand she does. Let it go? Who is responsible for getting permission to deal with the estate if there was no will? They Have to follow the laws of intestacy?

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.
Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t

While I appreciate that there is a history between the two of you, she is allowed to change her mind about what to do with her inheritance. Just as you can decide what to do with yours. With the exception of the loan, it's really not your business what she does with her money.

If you choose to gift some money from your share with your children, that doesn't mean that she must also gift some of her money with her children. You can of course also choose to gift some to your niblings, that's up to you. But again, it doesn't mean that she has to. You say yourself that you are in a better financial situation than she is.

Morally though, she should at least reimburse you for the loan.

Personally I would remind her of the conversation and the fact money has been given to her child ahead of it being released from the estate. Therefore she gets half less the amount to her child you get the rest. Then she speaks to her child about repayment

then leave her and her kids to it don’t give them anything else

I’d be careful too if you do decide to gift some money from your share to your niece/nephew that she doesn’t get wind of it and bully them into handing it over to her . . .

I was quoting and replying to a previous post which pointed out that after the inheritance she will no longer be eligible for benefits. But as you say she's committed fraud before and the suggestion from someone was that she would do it again.

My post was to say that she could be reported to the DWP if she doesn't declare it and continues to claim when she's not (by a long way) entitled to do so.

Read the quote history to see my post in context.

I think you need to stop believing that your sister will ever care about her children as she should. It’s not happened and it’s not going to happen, so all you’re doing is upsetting yourself.
Split the money 50/50, quietly stop contact with her and focus on your own family and niblings (love that word!).

We applied for something called Letters of Administration which means we are essentially now the executors. Legally we are the beneficiaries. She suggested giving grandchildren something and I have an email
to that effect. She’s now backtracked. It’s only a small she originally suggested (1%) but she won’t. I know legally I have no rights to insist she does anything. I’ve suggested 0.5% just so they get a little something. I’ll see what she says but I’m not hopeful.

Yes. Thanks. That’s what I’ll do if she digs her heels in. She’s just toxic. Always has been.

I could report her for all sorts. She owes utilities and council tax and water all over and it’s very tempting to get in touch with them to say where she is and that there is money coming in. I won’t. But I’m tempted.