Or is my sister a selfish @&£)!

[WellOffWeGo]

She has consistently made bad choices in life. Had two kids very close together, very young (not a bad choice for many but she was emotionally unstable). She has then lived on benefits. She made very little attempts to work. Was actually fraudulent at times. Has skipped out on many utility bills. Studied so she could get a job (great!) then got fired.

I worked really hard and have a stable career. I’ve always worked and before I qualified I often worked several jobs to make ends meet. I’m in a better and more stable financial situation than her for sure. But actually have some significant financial struggles coming up. She has just seen me generously pay for every single thing we have ever done together and have been generous with her kids (whom she has been physically and verbally abusive to I am now finding out now they are adults).

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.

Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t.

BTW giving grandchildren some was HER idea which I agreed with.

I know legally it’s all ours but morally …

The money lent needs to be paid back if the agreement was that it was a loan and not a gift. Then the money should be split according to the will. If the loan money was paid by you which I presume it was then that should be considered nothing to do with the will. This is what has muddied the waters.

The executor is legally obliged to follow the terms of the will, not go off-script and do what they want to do.

Please consult a solicitor about this, OP - one independent of the estate. The answer may lie in the detail.

Your concern for your sister’s children is lovely, but you need to look out for yourself (and your own children) first. All these DC are much younger than you, obviously, and may need help at any time. It could be that the best way to help them is to take your share of the money (hopefully including repayment of the loan) now and invest it for the future good of yourself and your family.

I'm sorry she does sound incredibaly self-centered. Can you strongly suggest you half it less what you advanced to your nephew (from her half) but in light of that the same amount goes to her other child from her half. That way you are encouraging her to give at least some (presumably not as much as they would have got) to her children. It's not ideal and she can say no which isn't great but little you can do about that. I'm sure they know exactly what she's like. I don't think you can be expected to give from yours as well as to your own children but you can continue to look out for them as you are able in the future?

You've been a massive enabler of her for many years, so you reap what you sow. Why would she behave any differently or expect you to be any different when you've been a doormat for so long.

It sounds like you've finally seen you need to stop being an enabler.

I totally agree. Her sister should be looking out for her own children. The OP shouldn't be the one to do this.

OP was there a will? If not the estate usually gets split between the remaining children of the deceased (I had to go through this last year with my Dad). So sadly legally your sis is entitled to half if that's the case. Doesn't matter what was verbally agreed, if it wasn't written down in a will it won't stand. Unless you goto a solicitor to fine tooth comb the situation for you. Do you have your own dc? Sorry I couldn't see any mentioned. You are incredibly kind but unless the dgc pay you back themselves then you most likely will just have to write this off. This is why wills are so important. Hope you get some sort of resolution and please stop helping your sister especially as she's been so neglectful and abusive to her children. She doesn't deserve the help x

The executor can’t ignore the will and give out cash “before splitting the pot”— @WellOffWeGo what does the will say?

You must follow the will and each beneficiary is free to do with the money what they choose—even if DSis wants to burn hers in a bonfire, you have no right to stop her.

Money makes a lot of people greedy, the more they have the more they want.
I think the only thing you can do is split your mother's assets 50/50, and look after your nieces/ nephews in your own will (hopefully a long time away). Whatever you do don't give her a penny of your money ever.

You can't just do this! The executors of the will must distribute the estate EXACTLY in accordance with what is written in the will. You can't just decide to divvy up the money however you choose!

Assuming it's 50/50 between you and your sister, just do that. Take half the estate each, and once it's sorted, then you can gift your money to whoever you choose.

The loan to your nephew, unfortunately, is legally a completely separate issue. You could ask for it back (but if no loan agreement was drawn up, that could be problematic). You could gift money to the other nieces/nephews in a similar amount to the loan. You could choose to ignore the loan completely.

Whatever you think of your sister (and she doesn't sound great), she is absolutely entitled to change her mind about the money, and there's nothing you can do about it. What that does to your relationship is, of course, a different matter.

As others have said - the will MUST be followed. If you are the executor, this is a legal responsibility - you CANNOT disregard the will. Then it’s up to the beneficiaries what they each do with their inheritance. If you aren’t aware of executor requirements, please see a solicitor.

Great in theory but for a start OP didn't lend her sister anything so she can't ask her sister to repay it, well she can but its unlikley to happen
If by some miracle the sister DID agree to repay the money lent to her child the estate would have to be distributed first or a Deed of Variation would have to be signed by both beneficiaries
You can't just mess about with inheritence/wills because you don't like it or its unfair. They are legal documents and have to be executed properly.

You must be so frustrated!!!

If the will says that she inherits half then you'll have to stick to that, however horrible that is.

In this situation if I could afford it I would give her her half, and then split part of my half to give all of the grandchildren something each. Ideally setting the amount they each get to the amount I loaned to GC1 so that they don't need to repay if that works out.

I would make bloody clear to all of the children, and the wider family, that their share has come from your half and not from your sister and why.

I'd write a will benefiting my children and my nieces and nephews leaving her out completely, and I would never give her anything else ever again in future. Not pay for lunch, not buy her a sandwich, nothing.

I would give from my half to all the grand children - tell her what an awful person she is and go as low contact ad possible with her

Do NOT give any money to your sister's children. This is exactly what she is expecting you to do and she will then pocket her half knowing you have helped her children. I know it's hard and her children are vulnerable but you always picking up the pieces is enabling your sister to behave this way.

Obviously you can still have a loving relationship with your sister's children and be there for advice and support but not financially. As for your sister, I would not see her anymore.

@WellOffWeGo
I think I’m you!! But do you know what? I’ve come to terms with it. The kids will see people for who they truly are eventually. If you can afford to, and want to, then give it.
You’ll sleep well at night.

If the will says 50/50 you are legally unable to deduct any money from the estate regardless of any verbal agreement. I can’t believe people are suggesting that you do this as you could end up with a criminal record if you do, beyond stupid advice. You will have to try and recover your loss in court but as it was only verbal you will struggle. I would give her her half and then cut all ties with her - lesson learned the hard way unfortunately.

But one of them is NC and I doubt very much the sister would give her kids any money if the OP decided not to. It is very hard to judge though without knowing the figures and not knowing why the OP needs the money.

Personally, I think the OP needs to go completely NC with her sister and leave her out of any decisions. Just pretend she doesn't exist. The OP has a very strong relationship with her vulnerable 'niblings' and obviously feels that the right thing to do would be to help them. I agree, as long as it doesn't put you in a precarious situation.

You don't have a decision - you & your sister inherited - you agreed to gift to the kids - there's no longer an agreement - it's back to being you & your sister

As for money you already advanced her kids that's between you & them - tell them what their mothers decided & request they refund it (if they can) or to speak to their mother about it (if she wants to take it out of her share)

So you lent money on the basis that they would inherit from your parent?

What if they had inherited & decided not to pay you back?

If your parent had wanted GC to inherit then they should have made a will.

If she’s the executor and the sister hasn’t signed a legal document asking for part of her share to go to her children, the OP can be sued or even prosecuted for doing this.

If the will says ‘estate equally divided between OP and Sister’, the OP must give half the estate to her sister.

If she has chosen to give money to someone else, it legally has to come out of her share unless she can prove her sister gave consent. Since the OP says the agreement with her sister was verbal, she may not be able to do this.

’Executor’ does not mean ‘do what you like with estate money’.

Haven't read the whole thread but if you and your sister are joint executors of your parent's will then you have to follow the provisions of the will.

If that is a 50/50 split between you and your sister then that is what you have to do.

If you want to share some of your portion with with your children (and/or her children) you can do that. If she doesn't want to do that she doesn't have to.

Once you have your shares you can do what you like with them. Anything you think you've agreed beforehand is neither here nor there.

Regarding the advance made to your nephew, do you have anything in writing clearly stating that it was an advance on what he would get from his mother, otherwise it would be repayable to you? If he's an adult, have you explained to him the basis on which you advanced him the money and have you asked him to return the money?

My advice would be never get involved in loans etc within your family unless you are lending (or giving) to your own children or parents. Once siblings and nieces and nephews get involved it's a recipe for disaster. Where money is involved in a family there is no such thing as "morally" right or wrong.

Thank you all.

I should have said that there was no will.

She suggested giving grandchildren an amount and then one couldn’t attend the funeral due to costs so we agreed I would lend a small amount and then take it back when they received the amount my sister had suggested. This was all agreed by her and I have an email to show that.

She is now going back on that agreement. I know legally there is nothing I can do. I’ve suggested we halve the original amount which would still cover the loan and only amounts to less than 0.5% of what she will get. I’m hoping she will be happy enough with this.

I can’t believe she is doing this to her children.

Even though there is no will, you still don’t get to decide. If there was no spouse, the estate is divided equally between the children.

Surely you give her half minus the amount that you loaned to her child on the explicit understanding it would eventually come from her share of the inheritance. Eg inheritance is 250k so you get 125k each. You loaned her child 10k, so what you end up with is 135k (125 plus your 10 refunded) and she gets 115k.

Then it’s up to each of you whether you pass some on to your own children.