Or is my sister a selfish @&£)!

[WellOffWeGo]

She has consistently made bad choices in life. Had two kids very close together, very young (not a bad choice for many but she was emotionally unstable). She has then lived on benefits. She made very little attempts to work. Was actually fraudulent at times. Has skipped out on many utility bills. Studied so she could get a job (great!) then got fired.

I worked really hard and have a stable career. I’ve always worked and before I qualified I often worked several jobs to make ends meet. I’m in a better and more stable financial situation than her for sure. But actually have some significant financial struggles coming up. She has just seen me generously pay for every single thing we have ever done together and have been generous with her kids (whom she has been physically and verbally abusive to I am now finding out now they are adults).

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.

Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t.

BTW giving grandchildren some was HER idea which I agreed with.

I know legally it’s all ours but morally …

I’d suggest putting it in a lISA I think.

You lent someone money for a good reason.

They now can't repay it.

Should it just be left at that for the moment?

With their sibling really expect to be given the same amount of money to make up for it?

@WellOffWeGo Been there, got the T-shirt, except fortunately wised up in latter years and managed to put ourselves in a position where she couldn't not sign a legal document without having to openly acknowledge to others who were still buying the victim story that she was "future faking" and had no intention of honouring the agreement. Like you, it's the kids' situation that bothers me the most, I also had to recognise that I needed to ensure my own situation was sorted before 'saving' the DNs, put your oxygen mask on first in order to be able to better help others etc. I will never give up on the DNs and neither will you, but detaching yourself from their parent, securing your own position etc. will definitely put you in a better position to support them within healthy and realistic boundaries. Also, yes, it's infuriating... but it's also heartbreaking to realise that this is the way things are. There's going to be a bit of grief (and the stages and cycles of that) that you will need to go through not just having dealt with your parents' estate but also realising the relationship with your sister is what it is and will never improve. No matter how much you're not surprised, you're still disappointed. There will be a level of grief there.

Your sister is clearly a terrible person, but there's nothing you can do to change her. All you can do is continue to support your niece(s) and/or nephew(s).

If I were in your position and could afford to, I would give each grandchild (your kids and your sister's kids) a set amount out of my share of the inheritance. That would be the kindest and fairest thing to do.

We applied for something called Letters of Administration which means we are essentially now the executors. Legally we are the beneficiaries. She suggested giving grandchildren something and I have an email
to that effect. She’s now backtracked. It’s only a small she originally suggested (1%) but she won’t. I know legally I have no rights to insist she does anything. I’ve suggested 0.5% just so they get a little something. I’ll see what she says but I’m not hopeful

I'm a bit confused by all this. Loan aside, surely it's none of your business what your sister does with her share of the inheritance?

My sister and I are currently going through the process of dealing with my late mums estate. We will inherit equally. I've already said that I will be gifting some money to my kids, and I think she intends to do the same for hers. But that's up to her, and I wouldn't be pushing her to do this, and neither would she be pushing me if I changed my mind. Because it's none of her business!

TBH giving the next generation 1% of what you inherit doesn’t sound super generous from either of you.

You’ll need to divide the money 50/50 as per the will, unless you can clearly show that the loan was made to her, and can be offset, rather than to her children.

The only way forward I can see is to split the inheritance as per the will and go NC with her. You can have a completely separate relationship with her DC, and loan or give money to them as you see fit in future.

You get it. 💯 thank you. 🙏

No. It’s not. That was her figure. I’d have wanted to give a lot more but now I’ll be lucky if she agrees to 0.5%. I’d have given them more and got her two suggested LISAs. Could have really given them a leg up.

What we agreed at the time was that we’d pay out to GC first (her idea and she suggested the amount) and she suggested our cousin too. My DNs were told they would get some and in that basis one was given a small loan to be taken out once they had their share. I have one DC and she has two so it works in her favour for us pay out first and then divide it by two. I know my parent would have wanted the GC to get a little something too. I know legally she’s within her rights but I think she incredibly selfish.

While it's not great that she's gone back on her word (especially if the DC had already been told they would get something), it sounds like this is more about the history between the two of you, rather than this particular situation. It's still not really any of your business what she does with her money - you are going to just have to let her get on with it. I appreciate you think she's selfish, but you always knew that anyway.

If you are so worried about her kids (and I can understand this, if they thought they were getting money that they are now not), you can always gift them the money yourself. I know you shouldn't have to, but what alternative do you have if you are concerned about them?

That is exactly what she knows I’ll do and that is exactly why she’s now gone back on her word. She knows I won’t let them miss out. She’s a manipulative witch and I hate her and I’d never say that in real life but I really enjoyed typing it out here!!

So the loan was less than the 1% you originally intended to give?

To be honest OP, at that sort of amount it's not worth getting so irate about it, you know who you sister is and you probably knew deep down what would happen.

Divvy everything up 50/50, forget about the loan and just give the other one 1% of your share (which is what you were going to be doing anyway) and then draw a line under it.

If you do that you will still be receiving 97/98% of the 50% share of money that wasn't yours to begin with so it really isn't worth all this anger, you were happy to give them the money out of your share originally, so just do that and let your sister do whatever she wants, she always has and she always will.

So let her explode.
She's done nothing for you except lie and cheat. Just because you're blood, doesn't mean you have to be her payout.

Maybe gift the loan and then half the rest so you have your rightful amount and she has what's left

It’s not the loan. I would have happily given it but it’s the fact she’s screwing over her children. Again. I’m not irrate about the loan. I’m angry with her that she is yet again putting herself before her kids and expecting me to step in.

In the long run, of course, the money itself is not worth a lot of anger. The principle is. Anger is part of the grieving process, when you switch between denial, bargaining, anger and sadness before reaching acceptance. The hope that this time she really meant it when she said she generously suggested helping the children (albeit in her favour given she has more children) has been dashed. What she meant was : we'll tell the children I've had this idea for them and I will get the gratitude and warm feelings and you will make the sacrifice because you won't let them down. Get angry safely where you can (MN, with a therapist, a loyal partner etc.). Come to accept that there is no hope. This is it. She's never going to change (unless to get even worse). As she gets older and has more needs, who is she going to be leaning on to bail her out? Remember, energy and time (and money) that could have been better spent are all things you'll never get back.

I've been there. My dad & aunt both inherited a 5 figure sum, my aunt gave her kids some (and me and my sister got £1k each which was so generous). My dad kept every penny, while slagging my aunt off 🙄 get your money back from her share but you can't do much else.

It's up to your sister to divide her share with her children .
You have your half share plus what you loaned out.
Don't let your heart rule your head .

With kindness OP, so what?! It's her decision to make what she gives to her kids, always has been and always will be, it really does have nothing to do with you, one of her kids is NC so they know exactly what to expect from her.. which is nothing.

You offered the loan, it wasn't asked for, you offered it based on the fact that you were going to give them something out of your money anyway, and that is still the case, what your sister does is completely irrelevant to you, you aren't being asked to step in and cover her share, you are doing what you had previously agreed to do which is give her children a certain percentage out of your share.

If the 1% out of your share covers to the loan then just give the other the 1% too (as you always were going to do), the fact that she isn't going to give anything out of her half is nothing to do with it and nothing to do with them, they will miss out on some money, but from her not from you, it shouldn't affect you at all.

This money coming to you is a gift, if you want to share that gift with other people then that is lovely and I'm sure they will appreciate it, stop worrying about what she is doing, knowing exactly what she is like, nothing should have been promised in advance of it actually happening anyway.

Once this is all sorted you never have to speak to her again if you don't want.

I would point out to her how much you have lent her over the years & that if she takes this action, for a short term gain, you will cut her off & she will then lose out financially in the future and the long term.

OP, the death of your relative and the behaviour of your sister have brought you to the end of what sounds like a very long tether. There will also be a realisation that the generations are shifting.
I would say to her something along these lines.
“Sis, we are not getting any younger. We have been given an inheritance with all the sorrow and liberation inheritance brings. You suggested giving a small gift to each grandchild. It was a lovely thing to do and I was so pleased you suggested it. It was a kind and maternal gesture and I want to support you in doing this.
I know how hard it is to give away money, especially when life has been uncertain. But these bequests are more than just a gift of money. They are a symbolic way for you as a mother to build some bridges with your DC. It’s not the money but the thoughtfulness it represents which matters here.
If you renege on this now, you will regret it deeply later. Not only will it widen the gulf with your children, I will also cease contact. I’ve been struggling with your selfishness for some time and this is the last straw. I don’t want this to happen. Neither do the niblings. We’d all like nothing more than to be a close family but your choices are causing a lot of pain. Please think about how lonely your old age is likely to be with no family celebrations and no grandchildren to enjoy. Please think on this and let me know your final decision in three days time. I’ll abide by whatever you decide”. Then leave it. If she insists on keeping all the money herself, walk away from her. This is then her choice and everyone knows where they stand. If she changes her mind and gifts the money, support her and help her to become a better person.

I suspect it's a case of having to split equally with the advanced money coming out of her share if she'll agree ...

I would put the advance down as one of the expenses (or as an advance) when doing the Will Execution paperwork so it's documented.

I assume the Estate is to be split equally after expenses so this way your sister would have at least given half of it.

Is the amount you loaned significant? Could you afford to absorb it from your share? If you could then maybe tell all 3 children that their mother has reversed her earlier decision and therefore you will allow the laon to stand from your share but that the borrower should repay it to their siblings so that they all get an equal albeit lesser share from the estate.

It sounds like it's more the principle than the money itself. Neither of you would miss the original 3% or the revised (to include the loan) 1.5%. I would probably just give your other nibling the same 0.5% loaned to their sibling and then give my own dc however much I decided.
I have a similar problem as db died last year and as it was quick it was simpler just to leave everything to our parents on the understanding they would do 'what was right'. I originally thought it would be best if my parents did a variation of will and give my 4dc a proportion eg £25k each as I'm on benefits. Now it appears his estate was worth more than we thought and my parents want to keep half and give half to me. They are being a bit difficult regarding a variation of will and don't seem to understand that they can't just give me the money ( they are in their 80s). I now want to keep the money maybe giving my 4dc £1000 each as it's enough for me to come off benefits. It's not always easy.