Or is my sister a selfish @&£)!

[WellOffWeGo]

She has consistently made bad choices in life. Had two kids very close together, very young (not a bad choice for many but she was emotionally unstable). She has then lived on benefits. She made very little attempts to work. Was actually fraudulent at times. Has skipped out on many utility bills. Studied so she could get a job (great!) then got fired.

I worked really hard and have a stable career. I’ve always worked and before I qualified I often worked several jobs to make ends meet. I’m in a better and more stable financial situation than her for sure. But actually have some significant financial struggles coming up. She has just seen me generously pay for every single thing we have ever done together and have been generous with her kids (whom she has been physically and verbally abusive to I am now finding out now they are adults).

Our parent died last year. We are now settling the estate. All along we agreed we would give grandchildren an amount. I lent one of her children money as an advance due to this explicitly mentioned decision.

Now it’s come to it she is saying she wants to keep everything. So her full half as she needs it and I am being ‘thoughtless’ to suggest we should give away any of it. She is saying I might be in a position to give money away but she isn’t.

BTW giving grandchildren some was HER idea which I agreed with.

I know legally it’s all ours but morally …

This.

And no don't give her kids any, you've done plenty, they are HER responsibility. Sounds like you really need your half for your own family

How about you keep a third, your sister keeps a third then all the grandchildren share the other third? But you must get your money back first!

What does the will say, though? If the bequest is 50/50 to you and your sister it’s entirely up to her what she does with her half of the money, surely. She could blow it on plastic surgery to make herself look like Jocelyn Wildenstein, rescuing hedgehogs, or spend t on slot machines.

I love that idea but couldn’t resist a snort of laughter at the thought of the absolute apoplectic rage that would incur if I suggested that to her. Honestly I think she would physically explode!!

That made me laugh. Thanks.

'A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.' Samuel Goldwyn.

Never a truer word - and as he was a bigshot Hollywood producer, he knew a thing or two about money.

I'm afraid that you'll probably have to write off the portion already lent - and don't give up another penny.

Unfortunately you will have to follow the instructions in the will. Hopefully she will have over the threshold and they will stop her benefits

Legally if the money has been left to you 2 as children of the deceased she is entitled to half and as the executer you have to do that , then it’s up to the individual what they give to the grandchildren I’m afraid .

With nothing in writing, that money is gone. Some people could be prevailed upon by, y’know, their conscience, but she doesn’t seem to feel those feelings. Some people have necks of solid brass.

Only you know what the niblings need, it sounds like you’ve already done a lot. Hard as it is, I’d try and cut her out of your mental equation. Google ‘let them’ strategy.

It’s sad when it gets to the stage when you have to write someone off but you can’t reparent her kids now and unless you’re very wealthy, can’t make up the shortfall without shorting you and your own. I’m sure you have been and can continue to be there for them in other ways.

I’d just divvy the estate up as per the will. You can give your own kids money but I wouldn’t give to hers. She’ll probably guilt them into giving the money back to her and/ or she’ll be triumphant that she’s managed to get one over on you.

Obviously continue to support her kids but not with money.

You half the estate. Up to her what she does with her half. I wouldnt let her influence your decision. You do what feels right for you, her children are not your responsibility, if you can’t afford to gift them just explain that to them. Then cut ties with your sister

Without a deed of variation to the will which must be agreed by all beneficiaries of the will - the grandchildren cannot receive any money from your mum.
The easiest thing to do is to follow the terms of the will and then gift any money from what you receive if that is what you want to do.
If you have advanced money as an executor from funds held in situ then this needs to be deducted before any other funds are distributed. If this came from your personal money then really you have gifted this money and the money from your mum should split accordingly.
You have already said that you foresee financial difficulties for yourself in the future - you must look after number one here!! And that is you!! So no more generosity to be extended to your sister as she will spend her share and then come after you for some more!!
And yes, your sister is a selfish @&£)!

I can understand your frustration but ultimately how she treats her kids is her choice. It’s easy to make plans with theoretical money but life often steps in. You don’t owe her kids part of an inheritance, nor does she, though I get that morally it doesn’t sit well with you. She is who she is, you’ve made choices to support her and her kids which is kind but you can’t keep filling in the gaps without feeling resentful.

Decide what you want to do with your part of the inheritance, enjoy the financial wiggle room it might give you but try not to get caught up in what you think she should be doing. That way madness lies.

@desperatedaysareover love that expresssion!! Niblings!! 😆

Why not just work out what you would have given the grandchildren and you keep up your end of the bargain out of your half?

That way you have done what you agreed to, it just means that the grandchildren will only get half of what you originally talked about. Will that cover the loan that was given if you with-hold that grandchild's share?

If it is written in the will that you each receive 50/50 then there is really nothing you can do to make her do anything differently, the fact that you offered this money and you only had a wishy washy verbal agreement is neither here nor there unfortunately, there is nothing legally binding about it.

If you were happy to split your share before there should be no reason not to do it now.

They can't ignore the will.

YANBU to feel this way, but only she can decide what to do with her share. I would just share your inheritance with your children and leave her to it.

Does she still claim benefits? Because she can't if she has more than £16k.

This might influence her decision.

I’m glad! I stand by my point, though. Half the bequest is legally hers to do whatever she wants with. I think you’ll cause yourself unnecessary stress in not accepting that, and in trying to rectify it out of your own funds.

OP, this a huge and unnecessary muddle! There was no need for the two of you to agree anything about grandchildren in advance of getting the legacy. You and Dsis would each have received one half each of the estate and could share it as you wanted.
If money has already changed hands (I'm not sure from reading your posts), then in effect you've given an unsecured loan to a niece/nephew with no written agreement. Arguably this is the person who owes you money, not your sister, and whether you pursue it with them is up to you. Or if you gave the money to your sister and she gave it to her DC, then she owes you - but it sounds unlikely that she will ever pay you back.
I'd suggest learning from this latest fiasco, drawing a line under it and taking a much firmer line with your sister in future. She's clearly manipulative and the rest of the family are enabling her behaviour by going along with it. You need to say no to her next requests.

Did you tell the kids they were getting the money? That was a mistake by you if so.
TBH its her money to do with what she wants

But you can’t just decide yourself how the money is split! What does the will actually say? If there is no mention of the grandchildren I’m afraid that not withstanding your verbal agreement with your sister , if she has backtracked there is really nothing you can do. Best scenario as already mentioned , reclaim your loan from her half . She may kick at this as well though claiming the loan was strictly from you , and nothing to do with the inheritance unless this was minuted in writing at the time - sorry, she’s being a bit of an a…… about this

Your sister sounds awful (and not unlike one of my SILs) but what she does with her inheritance is up to her. You cannot be held responsible for providing for her kids if she doesn't.

If you and your sister are the legal beneficiaries you should have half each, then it is up to you if you want to give some to your children. I would tell your sister that you want whatever you lent to her child as the loan was made on the basis of the inheritance.

After all is done, forget about it. Resenting a sibling because you feel you have worked harder and achieved more while she has a relatively easy life is quite fruitless. You will not change anything. However people's fortunes can change suddenly and you don't know what your sister might have to face in the future. Just appreciate what you have.

Good luck, I hope you enjoy your inheritance, it is very nice to have a windfall though obviously sad to lose someone.

I doubt it. The OP has already mentioned that her sister has been fraudulent in the past.