Page 6 | To ask for advice on how to minimise your chances of becoming a victim of bullying ?

MarioJumbo · 2025-03-12T08:53:25+00:00

Some time ago I had a convo with a friend on the subject of bullying. He had always lacked confidence and had been a victim of bullying at school and apparently had never fitted in. I never went to his school so don’t know this first hand just took his word for it. At the time he was 26, lived with his parents and desperate for friends and company. He also had no experience sexually or romantically aged 26 in relationships so was very conscious of this - he presented as a lonely man and his conversations reflected that. We were discussing one day what would make someone more prone to being a victim of bullying generally and I said is it someone with no friends? He said “not exactly someone with no friends”. He went on to say “someone who is unsure”. I was a bit surprised by this - given his seeming desperation to make friends and meet people all the time I thought he’d see a ‘friendless’ state or being a loner as undesirable. However, I actually agree with him because at times in the past when I’ve been a bit of a ‘loner’ but had more inner confidence, I’ve actually been more popular with people whereas when I’ve been clinging to the edge of groups and with no friends I’ve been less popular. Any thoughts?

LSTMS30555 · 14/03/2025 16:39

Member869894 · 12/03/2025 12:30

Interesting question. I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic abuse and the one thing I would say all of them lacked was self esteem. I think abusers and bullies somehow sniff out this in someone and home in. As.a mother I am trying to instill self esteem in my children (boys and girls) to protect them against bullies and abusers

What a stupid thing to say obviously by the time you've spoke to those victims they've been reduced to a shell of themselves and have had their self esteem depleted by their abuser.

I can guarantee they weren't like that when they met their abuser.

CrumpledInkBlott · 14/03/2025 17:03

Definitely hit the bully back. If a bully is rude or nasty ask them to repeat what they have said as you don’t understand what they mean . This can take the wind out their sails . Or call them out as in “ What a nasty mind you have “
or “Are you having a bad day “ or “ How spiteful “ . Or sarcasm “ Really how interesting “ or “ Quite “. laughing at them can make them look foolish too .

Mhtr · 14/03/2025 17:42

CrumpledInkBlott · 14/03/2025 17:03

Definitely hit the bully back. If a bully is rude or nasty ask them to repeat what they have said as you don’t understand what they mean . This can take the wind out their sails . Or call them out as in “ What a nasty mind you have “
or “Are you having a bad day “ or “ How spiteful “ . Or sarcasm “ Really how interesting “ or “ Quite “. laughing at them can make them look foolish too .

Always always stand up to them

Original poster

MarioJumbo · 14/03/2025 17:44

CrumpledInkBlott · 14/03/2025 17:03

Definitely hit the bully back. If a bully is rude or nasty ask them to repeat what they have said as you don’t understand what they mean . This can take the wind out their sails . Or call them out as in “ What a nasty mind you have “
or “Are you having a bad day “ or “ How spiteful “ . Or sarcasm “ Really how interesting “ or “ Quite “. laughing at them can make them look foolish too .

It’s great when they’re wrong footed when you ask them to repeat what they said!

OP posts:

Original poster

MarioJumbo · 16/03/2025 09:13

I think even something subtle as a firmer tone of voice helps ward off bullies.

My mum’s cousin bullied me and the type that played victim when I was showing signs of pulling away from her.

Once she phoned up - too much time on her havds! - I was basically polite/respectful - but my tone of voice - instead of pandering and fawning - was more

“yes… and ?” - I didn’t say those words but my tone was firm and no nonsense and as if I was effectively saying “why on earth are you phoning?”

when I said that she was immediately wrongfooted and speechless - a first for her!

OP posts:

IthinkIamAnAlien · 14/04/2025 12:24

This is such an interesting thread, I have been bullied a number of times in my life. I realise, late on, that I am neurodivergent and that my dysfunctional childhood means that I am quiet and often hold back on saying something because I don't want to be wrong and because I have low self esteem.

It happened again just last week at an art group where some ghastly woman tried to insist that something was 'wrong' in my art and went on and on saying I should change it. I avoided answering until, feeling forced to say something, said I hadn't finished that bit of the picture yet and anyway, I was waiting to speak to the teacher for guidance.

She got this physical 'attitude' on and then later criticised the art materials I had in a very sarcastic way. I will see her again this week and I now feel agitated and anxious. Why do people behave this way, if I see that someone is hesitant or anxious, I will try to be reassuring or helpful.

Original poster

MarioJumbo · 14/04/2025 12:27

IthinkIamAnAlien · 14/04/2025 12:24

This is such an interesting thread, I have been bullied a number of times in my life. I realise, late on, that I am neurodivergent and that my dysfunctional childhood means that I am quiet and often hold back on saying something because I don't want to be wrong and because I have low self esteem.

It happened again just last week at an art group where some ghastly woman tried to insist that something was 'wrong' in my art and went on and on saying I should change it. I avoided answering until, feeling forced to say something, said I hadn't finished that bit of the picture yet and anyway, I was waiting to speak to the teacher for guidance.

She got this physical 'attitude' on and then later criticised the art materials I had in a very sarcastic way. I will see her again this week and I now feel agitated and anxious. Why do people behave this way, if I see that someone is hesitant or anxious, I will try to be reassuring or helpful.

Yes exactly- those women tho - just why??’

OP posts:

EyesDownFullHouse · 14/04/2025 12:33

IthinkIamAnAlien · 14/04/2025 12:24

This is such an interesting thread, I have been bullied a number of times in my life. I realise, late on, that I am neurodivergent and that my dysfunctional childhood means that I am quiet and often hold back on saying something because I don't want to be wrong and because I have low self esteem.

It happened again just last week at an art group where some ghastly woman tried to insist that something was 'wrong' in my art and went on and on saying I should change it. I avoided answering until, feeling forced to say something, said I hadn't finished that bit of the picture yet and anyway, I was waiting to speak to the teacher for guidance.

She got this physical 'attitude' on and then later criticised the art materials I had in a very sarcastic way. I will see her again this week and I now feel agitated and anxious. Why do people behave this way, if I see that someone is hesitant or anxious, I will try to be reassuring or helpful.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and shows that bullying doesn't stop in childhood. In fact in some ways it worsens with age, as the bullies learn new ways and methods of subtle acts of aggression which, unless you're the unfortunate recipient, will often go unnoticed and unchecked by others. If there is a positive in your situation, at least now you have been given the heads up and can plan accordingly. You know she will start again with the snippy comments so prepare an appropriate response in advance. How about, ' I'm happy with my art, I'm not inviting comments today thank you', or even a ' hmmmmm, interesting ...' Accompanied by a withering stare if you can't face a full verbal statement.