To ask for advice on how to minimise your chances of becoming a victim of bullying ?

[MarioJumbo]

Some time ago I had a convo with a friend on the subject of bullying.

He had always lacked confidence and had been a victim of bullying at school and apparently had never fitted in. I never went to his school so don’t know this first hand just took his word for it. At the time he was 26, lived with his parents and desperate for friends and company. He also had no experience sexually or romantically aged 26 in relationships so was very conscious of this - he presented as a lonely man and his conversations reflected that.

We were discussing one day what would make someone more prone to being a victim of bullying generally and I said is it someone with no friends?

He said “not exactly someone with no friends”. He went on to say “someone who is unsure”.

I was a bit surprised by this - given his seeming desperation to make friends and meet people all the time I thought he’d see a ‘friendless’ state or being a loner as undesirable.

However, I actually agree with him because at times in the past when I’ve been a bit of a ‘loner’ but had more inner confidence, I’ve actually been more popular with people whereas when I’ve been clinging to the edge of groups and with no friends I’ve been less popular. Any thoughts?

I agree but it's not always the case plenty of bullying victims come from loving homes (like me).

yes I know, I thought I came from a loving home, but then I saw how my dad interacts with my older son, over-correcting him, talking over him, making fun of him and getting quite harsh too quickly and I realised that this treatment from a parent in the formative years can severely damage a child's worldbuilding and sense of self. And blueprint the treatment they put up with from others. Ive had to do a lot of therapy to get past the bullying and always wondered “why me?” In a way seeing my dads behaviour was cathartic, but Ill be damned if I let him have any influence on my children like he did on little weefreetiffany. He would consider himself a loving parent btw, not abusive because he's not physically violent like his own father was. Its very hard to break cycles of abuse and bad parenting, especially when nobody even realises its abusive!

I really do agree with this. My DSis and I were sexually abused by our F, and both he and my DM smacked us regularly and hard. (My DM didn’t know about the SA and she regrets the smacking.)

We were both badly bullied at school. For years I thought I was over the bullying, but I wasn’t. It was just that everything from my childhood was buried deep, so I could function as an adult.

I’ve had a lot of therapy, since the memories of the SA came back when I had small children, but the bullying always took a back seat. Now I’m being triggered with my (adopted) DD2 (13) started verbally abusing me (I talked about that in another thread), and it’s made me realise that I’m not really over it at all.

I don’t hold it against my main bully, because I found out later that her mum had been dying of cancer. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t leave a mark.

True as well. My DD1 (16) has also been bullied over the last year. I don’t believe my DH or I have ever bullied her, but she has other vulnerabilities; she’s adopted and has various SEN. (Although her bully also has SEN.)

It’s maybe fair to say that there’s usually some kind of vulnerability which leaves a child more likely to be bullied.

But again, bullying can happen to any child. Sometimes it’s because the bully is jealous, as has been pointed out by various PPs.

I read about a study that found that in school your biggest protection from bullying was to have a circle of good friends. Apparently, even just having one close friend brought down your odds of getting bullied tremendously.

I agree with the poster above that it can't just be a random group or else you run the risk of the group bullying you if they perceive you to be weak and if they are bully minded. It has to be good friends that make other people think that they have got your back.

But yes, self matters hugely. For starters, it's much easier to make friends if you are confident and have good self esteem but also bullies are more likely to pick on people when they think they won't defend themselves.

Having said that I think from a society and school point of view we need to do everything to prevent bullying. It shouldn't be up to people ( and definitely not kids) to have to make themselves bully proof.

Yes spot on !

Totally agree with this

Well, bullying was just seen as completely acceptable when I was at school, but being a victim of it was not. No one seemed to ask ‘why do some people feel the need to bully others?’ Lots of people said ‘what’s wrong with you that you deserve the bullying?’ Always seemed cock-eyed reasoning to me.

Yes .. me too

A lot of bullies are sly too , presenting as the picture of innocence to other people . They are good at planting seeds in other peoples heads and manipulating them to bully people. Then when it all erupts standing back and denying all knowledge of what's been going on . They are the most dangerous types as people don't believe they are capable of it .

My Niece was targeted in this way but the teachers would not have it that the child concerned would behave in this way as she presented as smiley , bubbly and came from a good home in an affluent part of the City . The child was a clever narcissist manipulator and got away with it . It all started because my Niece narrowly beat her in a race and we all know narcs have to be top dogs .

confidence and not giving a shit.

if you are different in anyway then a bully can exploit it but not every dc with a difference will be bullied because some are less bothered.

As extremely abhorrent as it is I think having poor body posture might contribute, not having confident body language ie head up, shoulders back, chin up. Shy closed body language won’t help

I grew up in a then rough part of London. Was taught to walk with purpose & not to shrink in anyway. I think it helps.

Yes so true unfortunately ❤️

I think it definitely helps

So true

You've captured the insidious nature of bullying really well. Most bullying isn't done openly, it's done covertly so very difficult to prove and challenge.

What happened?

@Mhtr

As was said above Neice beat the bully in the race . I think this child saw Neice as “Lesser”and didn’t like being beaten especially as it was assumed the bully would win .

It was basically nasty remarks made by the bully when no one was around , the bully triangulated, told lies and isolated my Niece and managed to turn her friendship group against her.

It turned physical too with sly shoves and pokes . The bully tried to create an uncomfortable unpleasant atmosphere for my Niece .

It ended when they all left school and my Niece went to Uni in a different city .

It was sheer frustration for my Niece as she knew who was behind it but teachers would not accept it .

I think it’s ok to be different in some way - that won’t necessarily get you bullied in itself - but if this is the case you must have a strong personality - or a relatively strong personality to go with it.

if you’ve got a difference - yours only vulnerable to bullying if you’ve got a weak personality as well.

I agree with you. I've known people in the past who would be regarded as ' odd' or were ND or were just happier as a lone wolf etc BUT they were not bullied for their differences, purely because they could shrug off mean comments or would quietly push back. They were secure in who they were I suppose and wouldn't react to any meanness, so bullies would leave them alone as they couldn't get a rise.

Weaker children hitting their bully back, rarely stops bullying unless it is a whopper, which is unlikely.
Most bullies have a group, that'll take over.
Martial art training is a deterrent.
It's sad that some people become targets, you have to hope that others around it, call it out.
I'm always on the victims side and would definitely call it out ot stop it.

I told my bully to fuck off and later on she rallied her huge ‘group’ because she was unhappy with what I’d said

Some times people with a strong personality can be targeted as the bully sees it as a challenge to break the strong personality and grind the person down . .

What's she's doing now later in life?

I still whole heartedly support giving the bully a pasting. If you're weaker than them, go train some martial arts. If you lose, you lose. It's unfortunate, it sucks but make an attempt. They say something rude, you be rude back.

My DS hit a bully after months of abuse and getting others to join in on the mocking and excluding. It gave him a sense of relief to know that he gave the bully what he deserved.