To ask for advice on how to minimise your chances of becoming a victim of bullying ?

[MarioJumbo]

Some time ago I had a convo with a friend on the subject of bullying.

He had always lacked confidence and had been a victim of bullying at school and apparently had never fitted in. I never went to his school so don’t know this first hand just took his word for it. At the time he was 26, lived with his parents and desperate for friends and company. He also had no experience sexually or romantically aged 26 in relationships so was very conscious of this - he presented as a lonely man and his conversations reflected that.

We were discussing one day what would make someone more prone to being a victim of bullying generally and I said is it someone with no friends?

He said “not exactly someone with no friends”. He went on to say “someone who is unsure”.

I was a bit surprised by this - given his seeming desperation to make friends and meet people all the time I thought he’d see a ‘friendless’ state or being a loner as undesirable.

However, I actually agree with him because at times in the past when I’ve been a bit of a ‘loner’ but had more inner confidence, I’ve actually been more popular with people whereas when I’ve been clinging to the edge of groups and with no friends I’ve been less popular. Any thoughts?

Making bullying unacceptable is the way to stop bullying. Victims do not draw bullies.

I suppose its true if you give off an air of desperation it does leave you open to people picking on you.

They are aware you are trying to stay within the group so they know you will allow them to.

I was on the receiving end of that. Had to learn not to be a push over but also ve hapmy with my own company.

Thanks for responding been in the receiving end of it too - it sucks.

i love my own company but only felt obliged to cling to people like a limpet because my mum called me selfish for liking my own company

Bullies sense “weakness” or differences in people- The best way to avoid it is to take no shit if someone starts.

( Work situation)

Socially?
No need to put up with any form of bullying.

I think a lot of bullies test boundaries. If they see you don't have the confidence to push back or report them they will then bully you . Bullies rely on silence . It's best to nip things in the bud . There is a thin line between tolerance and abuse.

Often , especially at work people bully because it gets them something or it's a deflection from their shortcomings. It's best not to confront but go straight over their heads to senior management. If the bully is friends with management then it's a loss cause and look to change jobs or department.

Never tell anyone you have been bullied in the past as people will see you as an easy target to shove around .

If you really truly don't give a fuck about what people think it's hard to bully you. We're social animals though so it's hard to get there for most. I'm there now at 45. Not paying attention to what people think is bot the equivalent of not caring for others though. Then you're just a sociopath.

I was bullied already so was desperate to be part of a 'group' . As being a loner would have drawn more attention. So i accepted the lesser of two evils. 🤣

I did have to learn to be comfortable with myself and develop my own personality. Think i just followed for years to fit in. But i was quite intense too i think. Once i found a friend i latched on. But that was the result of bullying. Wasnt til i was about 15/16 i had proper friends

I agree with the other posts with regards to what would attract the unwanted attention of a bully. I would add that there are instances where people are bullied because the bully sees in them some characteristics that they do not possess. Whether it be looks, kindness and sometimes even inner confidence.

Yes - later on I was bullied but not for being a loner - if anything being part of the wrong group! So after that I clung to the group for security

I was older than 15-16 before I had real friends - I was 18 - so you did better than me there !

I think bullies can also target out of jealousy. I can think of several instances in my workplace where the target was confident, very capable, well liked and were relentlessly targeted by inadequate people who couldn't bear to see them do well.

<bitter voice of experience>

TOTALLY TOTALLY AGREE with this post!!

There will always be bullies in society unfortunately-
It’s how humans as a species are.

Even animals bully each other ( Dogs, horses) to establish dominance.

I agree that someone “a bit unsure” is more likely to be targeted.

It makes me think of someone lacking in confidence, a quiet voice, poor eye contact, a people pleaser, nervousness etc. Obviously those are general images in my head but I can see why someone who fits that description would find themselves a target.

I think we all like to believe that childhood is where bullying stops. That we all grow up and the bullies are remorseful while the bullied are empowered and strong, but it doesn’t really work like that. Adult bullies are the same ones who did it as kids, and I bet a lot of people bullied at work also got it at school.

As for how to avoid it, I think teaching children young how to be strong (mentally and physically), resilient and helping them gain good self esteem might reduce chances of being a target. And make sure they’ve got a good, solid punch on them. 😉

Gosh I totally agree with this post also from experience

Thanks to everyone who’s contributed btw

I didn’t want to bring up the 🤛 punch..

But yes, I have seen bullies stopped in their tracks when the “Victim” retaliated physically.

Sometimes it’s all bullies understand.

For children? Not popular but if you stand up to the first bully (hitting back if needed) they tend to leave you alone after that.

As adult it's much less easy!

This!
My daughter was bullied at secondary school. She didn't have many friends and a group of girls drew her in then proceeded to bully her. It changed her as a person.

This was me !!

I retaliated once when someone intervened in an argument - this person was then scared of me

still I’m not really proud of getting into the initial argument in the first place - I was behaving like an arse and wish I’d been a more mature 13 year old but I had an abusive, immature mother

Awful. Exact same thing happened to me

Very true from experience

I do think perhaps self esteem is the key. Although I can’t talk after being relentlessly bullied by one nasty girl for years in high school (very targeted)
Bullied in a work place in the same manner and have had three abusive relationships as a grown up to varying degrees. I am very distrustful of people nowadays

Gosh so true

Totally agree about self esteem

Minimise your chance of being bullied by never interacting with another human.

Maximise your chance of being bullied by being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong hair colour/texture, skin colour, height, weight, eyesight, disability, ability, financial status, class, family, address, academic ability, sporting prowess, coordination, accent, name, age, sex, sexual preference, job title, fashion sense..... the list goes on!