To ask for advice on how to minimise your chances of becoming a victim of bullying ?

[MarioJumbo]

Some time ago I had a convo with a friend on the subject of bullying.

He had always lacked confidence and had been a victim of bullying at school and apparently had never fitted in. I never went to his school so don’t know this first hand just took his word for it. At the time he was 26, lived with his parents and desperate for friends and company. He also had no experience sexually or romantically aged 26 in relationships so was very conscious of this - he presented as a lonely man and his conversations reflected that.

We were discussing one day what would make someone more prone to being a victim of bullying generally and I said is it someone with no friends?

He said “not exactly someone with no friends”. He went on to say “someone who is unsure”.

I was a bit surprised by this - given his seeming desperation to make friends and meet people all the time I thought he’d see a ‘friendless’ state or being a loner as undesirable.

However, I actually agree with him because at times in the past when I’ve been a bit of a ‘loner’ but had more inner confidence, I’ve actually been more popular with people whereas when I’ve been clinging to the edge of groups and with no friends I’ve been less popular. Any thoughts?

I agree with this too. Groups that indulge in bullying need to be avoided. Easy to say if you are reliant on them and unfortunately adult groups can still be like this.

This was my experience at Primary, when I refused to be involved in bullying anymore I became the target. I would like to say I did the right thing but it was Hell and I wish I hadn't done it, it still affects me over 40 years later and coloured all my friendships at Secondary too

Idk - I started secondary school wearing my
mum’s supermarket jumpers with a big sheep on it. I remember the sniggers, but she didn’t get it when I tried to explain either.

Overall, they’d be better off teaching you to accept yourself, set boundaries and cracking on than some bad sense of copying to fit in @arntz

So many of these threads recently. Very depressing. But we always told DS to hit back if bullied and he did and he won. We supported him and told him he did nothing wrong.

There needs to be a level of acting socially normal. Don't be smelly and fart all the time. Don't go around telling everyone your deepest feelings and emotions. Don't go around acting like a weirdo.

If the bullying is physical, fight back to the best of your ability. Even if you lose, you lose but make an attempt. Also responding to verbal bullying with a punch to the face works, just use the element of surprise. DS gave the bully a black eye and we commended him.

What happened to you? What would they do/say?

Interesting question. I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic abuse and the one thing I would say all of them lacked was self esteem. I think abusers and bullies somehow sniff out this in someone and home in. As.a mother I am trying to instill self esteem in my children (boys and girls) to protect them against bullies and abusers

Worth saying at the outset that its never up to the victim to "prevent" bullying -- it's up to the bully not to do it and on others to call it out.

I don't think it's really relevant whether someone is a loner or a joiner in. Its more whether the person projects a sense of confidence and self-sufficiency in themselves.

Bullies home in on people who are weak or who they perceive to be weak, or people who are different and easy to be picked off. Sometimes they also try with people who are opinionated and noticeable in order to bring them into line with where the bully perceives them to be in the status pecking order (ie beneath the bully). That may or may not work depending on the noticeable person's sense of their own self-esteem.

But I don't think bullies are particularly looking for extroverts or introverts, they are looking for anyone whom they can use to boost their sense of their own status by putting them down. You can be loud and visible or quiet and self-contained and neither state necessarily speaks to your inner strength and self-confidence.

To reiterate, I don't think its ever anyone's fault but the bully's. But I do think avoiding people pleasing and going along with the crowd is probably a bit of a protective mechanism. Bullies sense when someone is scared or seeking approval. The less you seem to seek it, the harder it will be to leverage that.

Really interesting thread OP and one I can, unfortunately relate to. I've been bullied throughout my life - changed secondary school as a teenager and left multiple jobs due to this. I came from a broken home with lots of emotional abuse, neglect and a narcissistic mother and sibling. I was the ' black sheep' and carried this label out of the home and into wider society where people would hone in on my quietness, meek behaviour and people pleasing tendencies to further push me down and separate me from the group. One thing I have learnt is the ' ignore them' advice never ever works - it's the green light to bullies that you won't stand up to them, challenge their actions or seek support from others, further isolating yourself. If I could go back in time I'd tell my timid inner child to speak up, get help, nip any unpleasant interactions in the bud by asking " why would you say / do that? ", and shine a light on the behaviours. Bullies thrive on secrecy and operate in the shadows. Ultimately it comes down to self esteem, a strong sense of self, resilience and an inner confidence that you're just as good as anyone else and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Life's a real battle ground if you haven't been treated well in your childhood developmental years as you've been raised to never be ' good enough'.

I had the botched haircut as well. Mine looked awful !!

I acted weirdly on one occasion - weird make up etc and came off very badly

Ah thanks for your response.

I can relate so well to much of this, sadly

Gosh thanks for this.

I agree with so much of this response I’ve bookmarked it

That's so true all my bullies have said to me that I lack confidence but I didn't think I let it show . I think what they meant was that I didn't do anything about it , ie : go above their heads and report them .

Once in the work place a bully told me we don't pick on X and Y because they would be straight into the managers office and would go higher . Absolutely bullies push boundaries to see how far they can go .

I would say trust your gut always and nip it in the bud .

I think that’s true

i Was the victim of EA from a partner but treated him badly as well - albeit in a different way

True my school bullies told me they picked on mr cos i never said no - my mum called me selfish if I did !!

This is so effective I completely agree

@MarioJumbo

True my school bullies told me they picked on mr cos i never said no - my mum called me selfish if I did !!

That's why it's so important IMO to build a bit of self-confidence in kids. Particularly girls. Girls are so often socialised to be pleasers, to put other people first, to self-efface and erase any sense of their own needs. It's hammered into them so often that the less of themselves people see and notice, the better. When in fact the opposite should be true.

A dash of selfishness in a girl creates natural boundaries which goes quite a long way to protect them from bullying.

I don't want to raise an arsehole and its a balance but I'd rather my daughter was moderately selfish than completely self-sacrificing.

If you stand up for yourself, or turn the joke back on the bully/don't react emotionally and generally project confidence, in my experience you're a lot less likely to be bullied

My DS told me he regrets acting like a weirdo. He got teased for farting a lot in primary. He told me that in secondary he got bullied a lot for some really stupid things he said. He regrets saying those things and feels like he deserved it

Thank so much to everyone who has contributed. This is my personal experience which you may be able to relate to.

By year 11 I was the most unpopular kid in the school. I was the bottom of the pile in an already very unpopular group. I’d been humiliated very badly through being set up in an embarrassing situation and gossiped about. Teachers were hopeless. However, halfway through Year 11, I started going round with a girl who, although not at all ‘popular’ of particularly well liked, she had a quiet dignity and was out of the main orbit of the bullies - unlike my previous group.

I really do think the type of people you hang round with is key here - and their perceived status or behaviour in the school context. When I hung round with this other girl in Year 11 I wasn’t bullied at all !

@MarioJumbo

I really do think the type of people you hang round with is key here - and their perceived status or behaviour in the school context. When I hung round with this other girl in Year 11 I wasn’t bullied at all !

This is definitely true but again I think it comes back to knowing who you are and having the confidence to stick to your guns. Choosing people who actually like and want to hang around with, as opposed to trying to get into the popular orbit.

I wasn't bullied in a deliberate way but I spent a lot of my teenage years having my boundaries violated in various ways by people because I wanted to hang out with them. Looking back on it all I could have saved myself years of grief if I'd listened harder to my own internal radar about what I really liked and wanted in friends and not been swayed by popularity.

I’m an only child and had a mother working full time. Nothing wrong with that - however - my mum sadly was also an abusive alcoholic. This had meant that I had to like my own company and over time that I didn’t necessarily need other children.

However, aged 13 mum called my selfish for ‘always being on my own’ according to her and this made me a massive target for humiliation by bullies as I became such a people pleaser after the ‘selfish’ jibe -

I agree what you say about being having confidence in yourself and not seeking acceptance from other people - because ideally one shouldn’t need acceptance

Omg you just reminded me of some of the advice i was given to stop my bullies.

'Be nice to them and show them how nice you are. They will want to be friends with you, do things for them etc'

I ended up just getting into trouble because i was doing as they said.

Thank you!! This threads helps me so much and is another one I’ve bookmarked

that’s the thing! Because my mum called me selfish I became completely self sacrificing to avoid the label !

It’s interesting what you say about the friend who laughs and so the bully does it again. That was the hell of it for me - the friends who gave leverage to the bully. If it had just been one bully on their own, then it might have been emotionally survivable, but it’s never left me. I am 64 now and it has coloured all my days.