To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

[comoatoupeira]

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

We managed to write thank you texts to parents for presents when DC had parties and it didn't take long as it was just a list. I made sure DC knew who to thank for what, as some of the children had gone to the shops and chosen his presents with their parents so I felt it was a good thing to teach.
One parent sent a photo of a big pile of presents and mountain of wrapping paper next to them saying thanks and that they didn't know who gave what. It is definitely a personal preference thing and you should do what you feel is right.

I usually find that by the time I go to bed the day of a party, almost all the other parents have messaged to say thanks for the party, so then I just shoot off individual replies to those texts with a specific thanks for the present. But I also do a generic group text, send some group photos etc.
There are still a few other families with whom we always exchange hand written thank yous. But to be perfectly honest I wouldn’t be offended or upset not to receive any thanks!

I agree.

Whenever we host a party, I send individual thank yous for each present. I always try and shoehorn the name of the gift in the message too so it's clearly not a copy and paste.

Some parents don't bother and honestly it's so rude.

YES!

My son opened his presents while I had my phone in my hand taking a note of who gave what.

It's really not hard.

You're just lazy.

Exactly!

My parents were feckless, immature people but thank god they managed to teach us great manners (although my brother seems to have forgotten it all because he owes me a thanks for my nieces present!)

I'm shocked by that too.

Sounds spoiled!

Don't be so ridiculous!

If time was that tight, don't have a party in the first place

I agree, I always make a note of the presents and send a thank you text. So many people don't though, I do think it's a bit rude

We've always done this - it's not exactly a massive chore, and it's just good manners I suppose. Maybe we also do it because our DC are still really little (3 and 5), so parents stay at parties and one of the main reasons we host parties is to get to know the other parents from school/nursery.

I've had personalised thank you messages from other parents too, in the same way.

When I was little I used to write thank you cards to relatives, I can't remember about friends though but probably.

We always send a thank you text.

intrigued what the big expensive presents are that some kids seem to be receiving from their friends? 95% of the time it’s money mine have received, we always give money as well.

Mine have never invited the whole class I must admit but 8-10 friends and I have always sent a text to each parent thanking them for the gift and for their child's presence at the party with a group pic from the party. Some parents send a general group WhatsApp thanking for gifts which is fine to me but many don't which I do feel is somehow impolite but I shrug it of.

To me the most shocking have been some birthday gift demands. I always ask what the kid would like and most give an idea or specify a book/toy 10-15£. Then you got the CF who ask for gifts 30£ + or who ask for big gifts, think 100£ saying you could organise with the other mums. Which ofcourse means extra work and not everyone has the same budget and you might not know the other mums! It's the worst. Sometimes they ask for money towards a big gift which I prefer because easier but I would never do it myself because it would feel grabby. I always ask for (if asked) a gift in the 5-10£ price range because I don't want to penalize people on a budget.

It's a nice idea in theory, but practically I've never managed it with school- friend parties. All the presents get piled up in a corner table, and not everyone sticks the card to the present with cellotape or it falls off in transit back home. So I never know who has sent what.

Surely a thank you as you get the gift and a generic thank you to all is sufficient thanks?! How many times do people want to be thanked for the same thing?

I don't think it's 'grabby'. My daughter's birthday is costing £30 a head (I know our choice to pay it). 🙈 She's too old for a bouncy castle/soft play as she's turning 9 so it's a big inflatable park thing. We've to buy party bags on top of that. Gifts here are usually around £10/£15. I would rather parents gave a fiver as she always gets a lot of toys she doesn't want. That sounds really ungrateful but all that plastic is so bad for the environment. We do send some to the charity shop. I think a thanks to the person when they hand you a gift and a general thank you afterwards is fine. Usually in all the madness, the gifts get mixed up and smaller bags put into bigger bags etc that it's hard to know who got what.

I generally do send a thank you message to parents and always do a thank you note to relatives we don't see. I don't think it's the norm though and from the parties we have gone to most parents just post a generic message on social media saying thank you to everyone who came to X's party and for all the lovely gifts.

I think you do need to know what you are thanking people for though - I had someone message me once saying thanks for the sweets. We had gifted something else which I did then mention, so guess it was handy to clarify.

In some ways I do feel it should also be the other way round (but can see why this is seen as transactional) as kids parties aren't cheap these days. They usually involve some form of entertainment for a couple of hours and then food. This definitely outweighs the cost per head of what gifts most children (around here anyway) offer (before everyone comes at me I know this is not the point, everyone's financial situation is different etc).

A thank you on the WhatsApp would be enough for me personally. We were never a party family though, we just took the kids on a day out or weekend away so can't say what I'd do.

I'm not doing that, enough hassle dealing with texts when people respond to invitations - never know what to say back. My children say thank you when they are given the gifts, say thank you for coming when guests leave and I encourage them to say thank you again when they see them in school.

I didn't have most of the parents' numbers. They RSVPed in person.

Yes I agree op. We wait until everyone has gone and everything has been cleared up then we open each present/card one by one and I make sure I see who it is from and I then send the individual thank you texts as I feel this polite and acknowledges the effort they went to to purchase and wrap the gift etc. One child gave my dd something she absolutely loved so my dd sent a little one min video thanking the child and mum herself off my phone - took no time or trouble at all and dd was only 6 at the time.

I have had a couple of similar personal thank you texts off DD's close friends but also like you mostly just the generic class WhatsApp ones - I guess they are usually not my DD's close friends though.

This..I send a generic what's app if there is a group and then text each parent "thanks so much for coming and for lovely gift, it was lovely to see Mollie today" or something similar so its personal but not specific about the gift...as I have a real fear of mixing up the gifts. I also give money mostly and some sweets in a gift bag so it looks like something, kids have so much stuff now.

After spending all the money and time I have spent on the party I am not composing texts to individual parents saying thank you. I ensure DC says thank you to a child and their parents when we attend anything and always follow up with a they had a great time message and thank you for the invite.

True

'Underlying values' and 'specific actions demonstrating that same value' are different.

Fuck no. I have no interest in receiving individualised thank you messages from everyone who's hosted a party my kid went to. Meaningless.

Happy to help.