To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

[comoatoupeira]

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

So churlish. It's about your kid's fun. Not yours

We always sent individual thank you cards. It's basic manners. Most parties DC attended , they received thank you cards.

Writing a list? Half an hour of texting?

To what end…? Why are parents just wanting to create more work for themselves. I really doubt the gift giver cares about receiving a text that’s pure social custom with no deeper meaning.

I have never, ever, received a thank you card or thank you text for any gift, unless it was delivered by post. I only accept thank-yous in person in the form of a hug.

As a child I was made to call relatives who posted presents and say thanks on the phone.

My kids used to enjoy going to parties with magic shows, soft play with friends, craft or dance parties, zoos. It's kind of weird you think it's about whether the parents enjoy it. Most people are pleased for their kids to enjoy something rather than only thinking of their own enjoyment. If your kids don't enjoy attending parties or your own enjoyment is your only concern, just say no!

Yes, and same w Xmas cards, they are always so impersonal (and often phoney) in the UK and then the waste of paper!
Where I'm from you only give a Xmas card to close family/friends (people you actually care about) with a lovely heartfelt message inside.
*sorry edited due to typos

Declining an invitation is an option if it's that onerous, especially if it's not a close friend.

It's considerably less effort to attend a party as a guest (including buying and wrapping gift) than it is to host one (sort venue, invite, chase RSVPs, sort party bags, confirm catering, sort cake) Even going for the simplest party packages at organised venues (which I always did in the absence of a support team to assist with cheaper DIY options) is still considerably more time and effort than being a guest.

We do it because it's a positive experience for the birthday child and their friends/ peers enjoy it too.

Well, yes, of course it is. That’s why parents attend these godawful things - to make our children happy.

My point was in response to those posters that have made the ludicrous claim that they themselves, as hosting parents, should be in receipt of unending gratitude because they’ve chosen (and it’s entirely a choice) to hold an expensive party. Children don’t know or care how much anything costs, and parents aren’t falling over themselves to offer up praise either.

But yeah, there’s no denying that kids parties are enjoyed by kids. That’s not what the threads about though, is it?

The thread's about OP wanting personalised, not generic thanks for sending a present to a party that her child enjoyed going to.

The OP was not about hosts wanting gratitude for hoting the party, but replies have raised the fact that there's more effort in hosting than being the guest, and that OP's want is creating additional time/ work/ effort on top.

Yes.

That is exactly how it's done here (US).

A general thank you is not at all sufficient.

I agree. I have several children and have bought many gifts for their friends birthdays and occasionally just put money in a card. I have never once been thanked for a gift. It really is bizarre.

When my children are bought a gift I message each person privately to thank them for the specific gift.

It’s such a bizarre take that some people really think they’re doing other parents a favour by hosting birthday parties. I don’t know a single parent that doesn’t roll their eyes when their kid is invited to a birthday party because taking them is just another thing we’d rather not be spending our weekend doing.

Well that would be a bizarre take but it's also not what anyone is saying. Birthday parties are not about the parents having fun - they're not about the parents at all. We host and attend birthday parties because the children enjoy them. They enjoy attending them for others and they enjoy having others come to theirs. The hosts are not doing a favor for the guest's parents and the guest's parents are not doing a favor for the host parents beyond the fact that most parents appreciate people who make an effort to make our children happy. And if your child gets more out of going to a softplay with just you than attending a classmate's party then just RSVP no.

We don't need to keep a bloody debt ledger for children's parties.

I agree. I’m always grateful to parents hosting a party. Whatever token present I grabbed out of the present cupboard in no way needs personalised thanks!

My DCs also sent thank you notes to extended family members who gave them Christmas presents.

I'm US raised with most of my family still there. No, this isn't some national norm for class parties even if it's the done thing in your particular circle.

That was me at birthday parties and at Christmas.

I agree, it takes very little effort. It does require prioritising manners though.

Aha!

A lot of parents genuinely want a big group of friends/classmates to have fun together and put in a lot of effort to accommodate other kids (who, frankly, can be a bit of a nightmare). Yes the reason is a birthday but often it’s important to the hosts to make it fun and inclusive for everyone which is bloody hard work. Often, the only time you’d know whose birthday it was, was at cake cutting time in our experience (of somewhere around 100 parties…)

OP it seems like your take is: We have done you and your kid a favour for turning up to and enduring a party for your child, and also buying them a gift (remember, that’s entirely your choice both to attend and to buy a gift)… therefore, party hosts, the least you can do is send me a personal thank you afterwards for putting up with this shit on your kids’ behalf.

So, I think maybe the issue is your attitude to kids parties?! 🤷‍♀️

As a parent, you should 100% be there at the present opening writing a list of who gave what. And yes, you should also 100% be getting your kid to write a thank you note. It's not even that hard. You can create a generic thank you card and then just get your child to fill in a sentence about the present and why they liked it. Good manners are really important and they take you a long way but it's also important for kids to learn the effort other people made to make their day special.

And if they didn't like the present? Tell them to STFU and say thank you anyway. They can donate it.

I think it would be nice if the eg 6yo wrote "Thankyou Matthew" or "Thankyou for my present" or "Thankyou for coming to my party" - maybe tracing over the letters you've written for them. Or a drawing with Thankyou at the bottom.
And as the parent if you wanted to you could also add an additional few sentances - "Such a lovely thoughtful gift that Matthew is loving playing with. Thankyou for being part of his birthday. See you soon x"

As a child I was always expected (once I was able) to write individual thank you cards. As an adult, I still do this when I receive a birthday or Christmas present. As my daughter is currently too young, I write thank you cards on her behalf.

Yes @lookatthathorse, I agree. My apologies for misinterpreting!

Tbh, the whole class party I held was my kids first full year at private school. I was trying to ingratiate. Thankfully I grew past that

I live abroad, the parties are chaotic, mine more organised than most. We throw big ones that last all afternoon sometimes with over 25 kids. The locals don't do birthday cards and don't put gift tags on presents...there's no way I can keep track of who gave what. I don't receive thank yous for the party and I don't expect them, surely the gift is thank you enough? They all say thank you on collecting their child. I don't send thank yous to the locals for the gifts as it's not the done thing, at least not around here...if I have exclusively English speakers I will send a general thank you for all the lovely gifts and I'll say sorry for not keeping track. As far as I know no-one has ever been offended! I wonder if they would be in the UK?!

I was just going to say this. Of course children should be taught that it's good manners to send a quick thank you note or card - it takes five minutes to do.

I've been to 3 parties recently. Two parents sent a message thanking me for the present that evening. I was appreciated because I had spent time choosing the gifts and it was nice to know the children liked them. The other didn't say thank you on the day, the present was whipped out of my hands as hosts were running late (there was probably 8 designated adults at his one!) and there was no follow up message. I thanked them for hosting the party (even though it was actually pretty stressful - it was a toddler party with no entertainment, geared more to adults so I spent the whole time running around moving glasses off the floor etc).

I always send individual texts. When DD is older and parties are smaller I would encourage her to write thank you notes herself. A text minimum.

Life is mental enough. Presents are a part of life. I don't give a shit if I don't get a thank you nor do I expect an exhausted parent to keep track and text 20 different messages. But I've three kids who are older and have had about 15 years of parties..