Dh spending lots on daily lunches & coffees

[Ohitspastagainisit]

Do your Dh’s take lunch to work or eat at cafes/restaurant’s for their lunch?

Dh stops at a cafe in the morning before work for a coffee and breakfast/snack, then he either stops at a cafe/restaurant for lunch or Burger king type place or buys lunch from a supermarket-sandwiches, drink, crisps and so on.
Sadly, he smokes, but is trying hard to give up, so often buys a pack every couple of days.
Sometimes after work, he’ll go for a couple of beers at a beach cafe

We aren’t in the uk, so cigarettes are cheaper, but also wages are a lot lower where we are.

I’d say the average he spends (from seeing the account) is €6.50 at the morning cafe, €7 for lunch, €5 for cigarettes every other day and €10 every other day for drinks after work.

I’m finding the supermarket shop to be getting harder, plus the rise of everything else. I don’t want to control what he spends and he does work hard, but does anyone else find this excessive? Starting to feel resentful that i’m adding everything up as I go around the supermarket and having a crap tuna sandwich at home and jar coffee for my lunch.
We’ve tried before to do lunches taken from home, but the large lunch boxes I buy go missing or it just ends up going back this way. I also feel sad because it’s money we could all have (Dh, me and dd) as a coffee and breakfast treat at the weekend maybe once a week

He sounds an absolute skinflint. Up to you if you choose to live like this fine, But not everybody wants to.

I truly do not understand why women associate themselves with these selfish, irresponsible man-children. Let alone have their children. Yet there are similar tales of woe posted every day.

Put your foot down, OP. He is indulging himself at the expense of hungry children. Why is this not a complete dealbreaker?

Oh, give over. Thermos coffee and leftovers isn’t skinflint. You’ve got no idea if it’s nice coffee and good leftovers – I’d rather have my homemade lasagne in a lunchbox than a claggy and expensive Boots meal deal sandwich.

This was posted today on reddit, quite similar:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/q27s0nLlVv

This is easily solved by creating 3 bank accounts. 1 should be joined - for all your house bills, rent and house/kids' expenses, and 1 for each one of you - where you will put 200-300 quid monthly each for your own personal expences (like coffees and lunches outside). Then if he chooses to waste his money like that, it will be his problem.

My husband buys his lunch out of his money, not our money. That's his choice if he wants to do that. I wouldn't agree to it as a joint household expense.

This is the answer. Although her account needs to have a bit more for DD's needs and wants. Otherwise she'll spend all of hers on DD, and he will spend of of his on himself.

What is his weight like? That's a lot of food and drink to me! Not to mention the expense! 🙈

OP tell him that the numbers don’t lie. If you are looking at his statements and seeing what he is spending then he’s just lying or making excuses. Set a budget, find a way where he has his own account and manages his X amount of money you agreed on and when the money goes, it goes. Be more assertive with what you need finance wise since you’re wants and needs are just as important as his!

Most people do not get to spend this much daily willy nilly so he needs to join the real world, ESP when he has a partner who is making financial sacrifices!

Mine takes a flask of instant coffee with him, and leftovers or a sandwich to work. Thats taking the mick if you are struggling for food shop

Yeah this is a good idea provided he doesn’t spent joint money on sandwiches and coffee AND ALSO get £300 spending money!

I spend more than that daily but my partner does the same and we don't notice the money, I'd be raging if I was at home trying to cobble something crap together while he was at a beach cafe.

Presumably because he's the one earning the money in the first place.

?

Whilst she has had to give up full time work to care for THEIR JOINT CHILD with special needs.
If the shoe was on the other foot and she was the one working and earning while he did the childcare and she was wasting family money they couldn’t afford on snacks and cigarettes, then he would have the right to put his foot down about/not accept this from a relationship, too.

Sorry @Ohitspastagainisit but I think you are seriously underestimating what he is spending:
Coffee and cake will be on average 9.5 Euros*
Lunch will be 11.87 Euros*
Another coffee will be 4 Euros*
Cigarettes for 20 is on average 22.5 Euros
which I work out to be 47.87 Euros... most of which he will not realise because it is around 10 Euros, which does not seem like very much until you start to add it up. Set it up on a spreadsheet and walk him through it... as he starts to quit, put the money in a jar, so he can see it grow... that might be enough to wake him up.

*This is based on what I could spend when I go into the office and i anything I have rounded it down.

You cannot control him or dictate to him what he is "allowed" to spend.

Nor can you "nag" him into being kind and considerate of you and DC, or putting your needs and welfare above his wants.

The solution was described by other posters up thread: have a joint current account and two personal current accounts.
All income goes into the joint account. Transfer from the joint into each of your personal accounts an agreed amount, same for each of you, for personal spends or 'pocket money'. Make sure you leave enough in the joint account to cover all monthly bills, household shopping, and DC costs.
He then buys his lunches, drinks and cigarettes from his personal money, whilst you do what you like with yours (such as saving it, or buying yourself some treats or clothes or whatever you like).

Then if he dares use the joint account for buying his crap, you just reduce his payment into his account the next month, i.e. he pays it back. And go absolutely ballistic at him so that he learns never to abuse the joint account.

My husband I have always packed lunches for work. Buying convenience snacks or lunches out is way too expensive. He needs to be more responsible with lunch bags and making the time to pack food.

The op isn't In Ireland or other expensive country in the Eurozone.

This bamboozles me. Where I live, I see low paid manual workers spending £s on breakfast and lunch every day - and they are mostly buying stuff like a ham roll and can of coke that could be brought from home at a fraction of the cost. I’m fairly well paid and have always taken my own food to work as I just can’t justify the cost.

Your DH is eating/drinking/smoking his way through a (small) mortgage!

Par baked are great, they usually have a decent use by date on them, 10 min in the oven in the morning and you have lovely fresh banquets.

If he’s not going to start taking lunches and snacks he needs a budget that he can’t exceed.

Firstly, they might be better paid than you think and secondly, they might be spending cash that will never see the tax man.

Manual workers can be very well paid too.

Some of my friends are manual workers but they also own their own businesses and employ teams of staff.

Whatever he earns he's still spending a lot of money they can't afford on his own personal indulgences leaving the OP scratching around trying to balance the budget and being unable to ever buy herself or their DD anything nice, which is incredibly unfair and selfish.

My husband works and I stay at home to look after the kids / house / him - all his wages go into our joint account as we see it’s as a partnership. He would not be able to work the way he does without having childcare etc. he values the work I do for our family. He would never have his kids or me go without while he frittered away money on lunch! I really feel awful for the OP. Please talk to him again. Are you able to prepare the lunch for him to take?