Dh spending lots on daily lunches & coffees

[Ohitspastagainisit]

Do your Dh’s take lunch to work or eat at cafes/restaurant’s for their lunch?

Dh stops at a cafe in the morning before work for a coffee and breakfast/snack, then he either stops at a cafe/restaurant for lunch or Burger king type place or buys lunch from a supermarket-sandwiches, drink, crisps and so on.
Sadly, he smokes, but is trying hard to give up, so often buys a pack every couple of days.
Sometimes after work, he’ll go for a couple of beers at a beach cafe

We aren’t in the uk, so cigarettes are cheaper, but also wages are a lot lower where we are.

I’d say the average he spends (from seeing the account) is €6.50 at the morning cafe, €7 for lunch, €5 for cigarettes every other day and €10 every other day for drinks after work.

I’m finding the supermarket shop to be getting harder, plus the rise of everything else. I don’t want to control what he spends and he does work hard, but does anyone else find this excessive? Starting to feel resentful that i’m adding everything up as I go around the supermarket and having a crap tuna sandwich at home and jar coffee for my lunch.
We’ve tried before to do lunches taken from home, but the large lunch boxes I buy go missing or it just ends up going back this way. I also feel sad because it’s money we could all have (Dh, me and dd) as a coffee and breakfast treat at the weekend maybe once a week

If he's been doing this for ever it will be really habitual. I think you probably just need to be a bit more vocal about how unreasonable he's being so it sinks in. It's "only" ~€7 at a time so it probably does seem like hardly anything to him because he isn't adding it up. And the idea of changing a routine he likes that makes his day pleasant will be really unappealing.

Sit down together and go through your bank statement line by line to document where the money is going - how much you're spending on each thing and talk about how much prices have gone up and what DD needs so he is reminded about what the money needs to cover. If going through the bank statements doesn't work, take the same for yourself each day and put it aside. Then he can see the bank balance going down faster and you'll have a stack of cash you can show at the end of the month (either for a treat for you or a family thing).

For lunches to take in - you could try brown paper bags instead of a lunch box? Then it won't matter if it goes missing.

Fine if it's from personal spends, not fine if it's from the household budget.
If I have a treat snack when I'm at work then it's from my money and same with OH. I am ridiculously tight with the food shop from the household budget.

That’s a lot per day. As a high earner with a long commute, leaving early, I used to buy a snack and lunch but never more than £8-10 a day max, sometimes a lot less. I would feel bad wasting that much when times are hard financially.

You don't need expensive lunch boxes. Make him a big pile of his favourite sandwiches and put in a bag of crisps and a small chocolate bar from supermarket multi packs. Wrap the sandwiches in foil or use an old ice cream carton. If you have time you could also make him a bacon roll to take for a late breakfast then at least he would only buy coffee.
People will say rightly that he should do this prep himself, but that would be another battle and it sounds as if he urgently needs to reduce his costs now.

Don't specifically mention what he spends.
Just do a spreadsheet of wages and outgoings. And explain you obviously need to make savings somewhere.
Include what he spends daily . And see if he realises that it's the sensible thing to cut back on.
Maybe if its in black and white for him to see he will understand you need him to save money .

I cook enough each night for DH to take for lunch the next day; have you tried that so he’s having a big lunch rather than a sandwich?
you need to take though-$400 a month is too much

I agree with others - I’d add it all up and show him. If he is unwilling to stop or argues then portion out your “own” money each month (that isn’t shared as in bills and shared expenses etc) and he can spend it out of his own allowance if he wants. Sorry if this has been mentioned, only read initial post & few responses. X

YANBU, I’d be horrified by the cost, it adds up to a huge sum!
I generally do buy lunch because I really struggle with preparing food for a 7am start but I spend a fraction of what your DH spends!

I never buy coffee, I take herbal teabags. I’ll buy a meal deal sandwich most days or occasionally a £6 salad but I generally only work 3 long shifts per week with the occasional bank shift and we can comfortably afford that.

The issue isn't how much he spends for lunches or at the pub, it's that it doesn't fit into the current household budget and is taking from other things.

My priority would be sitting down to create a household budget together (get childcare) that includes all necessities (including groceries) and reasonable family savings first, and then allocates pots for discretionary/fun spending as a family, for him, and for you. Then what he spends his pot on is none of your concern - if he wants to cut down on lunches out to afford cigarettes and pub time or vice versa then so be it. And of course the same goes for you when it comes to personal nice-to-haves and fun spending. The two of you do not need to agree to a reasonable amount for him to spend on lunches out or other specific treats, you just need to look at the household budget and decide what amount is available for your individual discretionary spending.

And then set a calendar appointment to review the budget every 6 months.

I don’t know how much dh spends on lunches and other personal spends and the same for him knowing about how much I spend, we have separate accounts (aswell as joint ones for bills and savings stuff) - I’d hate to feel
policed With what I decided to spend on lunch. I’m in the office a couple of days a week and mostly go out for lunch. Good excuse to get away from my desk and sometimes go somewhere nice with a colleague.
If we couldn’t afford it and had discussions about needing to make cut backs I’d certainly reduce it to once a week.
He’s being a bit selfish not doing so as you’ve discussed it.

Yes it’s a lot to spend.

I think having a couple of beers after work or a coffee during the day is fine but he does not need to keep buying so much food when he can take his own.

If money is tight perhaps suggest both having a weekly budget and put X away in savings so you can have a holiday or something, instead of focusing on just how much he’s spending.

Do you also work FT?

It’s very difficult telling someone that they can’t spend so much money, especially if they work hard for it but it is normal to both have a budget and keep an eye on finances.

Why do you need lunch boxs? I’d use paper bags and only boxs if wanting to keep food chilled or hot.

My DH is wfh now but he went from buying lunches to taking food from home when he was in the office. He’d have a box of cans of pop, multi packs of crisps, chocolates, pot noodles in the boot of the car he’s use for work. So if he was running late and didn’t have time to make lunch he always had something. In summer he’d put an ice box in the car to keep things cool.

My DF had a very physical job, every day without fail he’d make a cooked breakfast ( he was an early riser) he’d then make up extra bacon or sausage butties for late morning, sandwiches for late lunch and an abundance of fruit. He also had his flask of coffee, he’d never dream of buying one while out, beer after work on the other hand…

Could you suggest he just buys lunch once a week?

I expect he’s selfish and entitled in lots of other ways. i bet he passive agrressively lost the lunchboxes because how dare you. Op, try once more perhaps. Take the numbers - him: I don’t spend much. You: yes you do, it’s 400 a month. I don’t feel I can spend $40 a month on things like that for dc and me or for our family. You are choosing to act this way instead of changing so our family can go out together.

could you go back to a full time job? would it earn what he does? you could suggest that and say instant saving of $300 a month since he can live like you do and carefully budget. either way id think of earning more money and keeping it for yourself. like he does, while supported by you.

Both DP and I are very guilty of this. I am funny about eating the same thing twice in a row, he's a midnight snacker so will eat the leftovers at night anyway. Neither of us have the energy / discipline to prepare anything the night before and I am grossed out by soggy sandwiches. I dread to think how much we could have saved by now.

I have a similar issue with my DH. He will spend over £10 a day someday. Average probably £7. Our circumstances changed about 6 months ago and we just can't afford it.

He basically won't do pack lunches. Can't be bothered but personally I think he just feels entitled to buy what he wants while out at work.

However, like yourself doing the foodshop and being extra careful when they are not is infuriating. Or when I check our bank balance before going into the shop and see he has reduced the budget drastically with his breakfast, lunch and snacks is really crap. I have to then cut corners with the whole family food. We have two young children.

I get paid weekly. I could be viewed as being controlling here but I have reduced how much I put into our joint spending account each week (my pay changes and he is not interested is how much I made).

Less being the account has stopped it tbh. He still gets bits and bobs. Which was never an issue. It's the three meals a day basically and snacks. I couldn't spend like that. Why should he.

I basically make two transfers a week now instead of one. He has never been great with money.

It depends really on how you split your money , the hours he works etc.

For example- my DH is the higher earner and pays most of the bills. I still pay a large amount , a big chunk of my income but not as high a chunk as him but he actually pays more if that makes sense. He has more money left over than me , but he will be the one to buy more treats like takeaways etc . He smokes and that’s not cheap , I don’t smoke . I do the food shopping and I get him certain things that cost more ( certain drinks , an obscene amount of filling on his sandwiches , certain crisps, yoghurts etc ) . Now, no one goes without because of him having this but it does cost me more , I meal prep so my lunches are quite simple. Sometimes he will also get a breakfast ordered in at work or a takeaway on the way home - so he does spend more on himself in that sense . But , I don’t mind this because he works really long hours to provide for us . Whereas I can make a coffee at work whenever I want and have a kitchen to prep food, he is isolated so only really has what he takes with him ( he can’t even make a coffee ) , he works 12 - 14 day followed by a 1-2 hours drive home . I have a 20 minute drive and work 8 hours- with flexibility .

However , if we both worked the same hours / distance and both had a kitchen at work etc then I think I would maybe be a bit miffed if he was having takeaway food and coffee etc each day … but it’s not something I would want to do anyway for myself .

the fact that you buy the lunch boxes that go missing implies that you end up making his lunches as well.
Maybe if he made his own he'd eat them and keep track of the boxes?

As PPs have said, look at what you're spending
Joint
You personal
Him personal
over the course of a month - discuss and agree fair budgets foe each

I only occasionally buy sandwiches. I take coffee bags to work etc. rather than buy coffee. But if I forget them or want something extra in the day then I would expect to be able to buy it without being policed precisely because if I am not at home I don't have the option of making another cup of coffee/sandwich

But I think his comments show some resentment that he is working full time and you aren't. It may be worth looking to increase your hours? That will give you more money to spend and maybe he will have less resentment.

Does he have his own spending money? I earn most here, we put month in the joint account for bills, food etc. and have the same amount to spend each month.

I'll often have money left at the end of the month while DH doesn't, because he buys chips, or drinks etc. at work. He does bring a packed lunch (which he makes himself), so any extras come from his spending money.

Do you have a joint account? Can you trust him to use his own account for this sort of thing? if so split your accounts as pp have suggested
if not you get music for yours and dd’s lunches and it’s salad for dinner as that’s what you can afford if he spending€21/day.

BTW if you could save €5k/year that’s €50k in 10 years which is a decent chunk of mortgage and saved interest if you used it to overpay…..

if he’s open to it you could look at fakeaway recipes for lunches, as it hard to change habits or go cold turkey so a little help may be needed

I mean the fags are just a no from me.
it certainly would t be coming out of joint money… it would need to come from his discretionary spends.

the food is also a no from me.
My husband doesn’t do this and we make good money and if he did I’d be raging it’s very wasteful

breakfast - is at home or he has a bowl of cereal in the office l. He keeps a box in his locker.
Coffee - he takes a cup of coffee from home to the office

lunch - on Monday he gets fruit, a multi pack of crisps and fancy cans of kombucha or seltzers from the supermarket. He’ll then buy a sandwich to go with that each day maybbbbeee he takes some leftovers in but not that often (0-2 x per week)

his lunch costs maybe £20 per week all in which is fine I think.
sometimes he’ll go get fancy street food on a Thursday or Friday which again is fine as a one off

He should be frugal as fuck with any other unnecessary extras if he's a smoker. You can't smoke and get coffee, cafe lunches and breakfasts and rounds of drinks in bars every day! He needs to see how much more he is spending than you on that stuff.

You could say 'that's the equivalent of me buying x amount of clothes, X amount of hobby equipment, x amount of beauty treatments, X amounts of meals out and bottles of wine...' just listing all the things you enjoy that you could've wasted it on.

And what is wrong with drinking a coffee at home and eating toast, then bringing in soup or a sandwich from home also? Does he claim he's too busy to make pack lunch? If so he's acting like a five year old!

And why not get a few cans from Aldi and sit in the park in the sun or go round your mates house if you want to drink alcohol and socialise? Even then not every single day!

Talk to him about it.

I went through a (very short) phase of buying a lot to get me through days before I copped on and decided on one treat day a week (even then what I bought was a fraction of what it had been). You feel like you deserve it because you’re just wrecked. I think maybe just tell him to start prioritising what he feels he needs to get him through the day and other than that, get making his own meals/ lunches instead

Nice things for you and dd not music 😳