Dh spending lots on daily lunches & coffees

[Ohitspastagainisit]

Do your Dh’s take lunch to work or eat at cafes/restaurant’s for their lunch?

Dh stops at a cafe in the morning before work for a coffee and breakfast/snack, then he either stops at a cafe/restaurant for lunch or Burger king type place or buys lunch from a supermarket-sandwiches, drink, crisps and so on.
Sadly, he smokes, but is trying hard to give up, so often buys a pack every couple of days.
Sometimes after work, he’ll go for a couple of beers at a beach cafe

We aren’t in the uk, so cigarettes are cheaper, but also wages are a lot lower where we are.

I’d say the average he spends (from seeing the account) is €6.50 at the morning cafe, €7 for lunch, €5 for cigarettes every other day and €10 every other day for drinks after work.

I’m finding the supermarket shop to be getting harder, plus the rise of everything else. I don’t want to control what he spends and he does work hard, but does anyone else find this excessive? Starting to feel resentful that i’m adding everything up as I go around the supermarket and having a crap tuna sandwich at home and jar coffee for my lunch.
We’ve tried before to do lunches taken from home, but the large lunch boxes I buy go missing or it just ends up going back this way. I also feel sad because it’s money we could all have (Dh, me and dd) as a coffee and breakfast treat at the weekend maybe once a week

You are going to have to split your finances. You can't tell another adult how to spend their own money. So if he doesn't agree with you that it would be better spent elsewhere you will need to have separate budgets. Trying to get him to spend his money the way that you think it should be spent will lead to resentment and lying. It has to either be a joint decision, made together that both parties are committed to or come up with a fair separation of finances taking into account childcare, household necessities etc.

I have free tea and coffee at work so never get a takeaway hot drinks. Not a big lunch eater but if I do it tends to be leftovers or cooked at home.

Years ago as a Summer student working in an office I worked out how much I would have to work to pay for five days of coffees/sandwiches/snacks from the coffee shop next door over bring my lunch. Always stuck with me

I work part time as I’m currently at home looking after Dd, so I don’t bring in as much as he does, but I did bring in the same or a bit extra for years and years pre Dd and he’s always been the same

Split the finances. You can spend your share on whatever you like and then so can he.

This is a reason why we have separate finances. I'd hate to be told what I could or couldn't buy for lunch.

Dh takes food every day. He will maybe 3 x a week buy a drink in a shop if he's run out or fancies something different.
If he forgets to take his lunch he never buys something . However he's often got snacks in work vehicle so he's graze on them

I always say grab something from a drive thro or whatever. And he never does.

I was like your husband. I didn't buy coffee very often but bought lunch when I was in the office. It kept going up in price and the food wasn't always great. I got tired of spending €15 for a mediocre meal and now either bring my own or go to the supermarket for lunch stuff and make it in the office. This was 2 days a week.

Dh would never say a thing but it was €30 a week/ €120 a month, I'd rather spend it on something else.

Missing the point, but if he's smoking 10 cigarettes a day...he's not trying very hard...

I make my own breakfast and lunch to work most days- prob but 3 a month. It’s so expensive now I cannot justify it or really enjoy it.

Can he afford it is the question? How are finances generally?

I thought you were wondering if he is buying lunch for someone else

Seeing as you guys manage and access the money jointly ? You need to change the way you allocate it. Both of you have a monthly weekly allowance for luxuries, a mutually agreed amount.

then one physical card for joint bills and food that goes to the supermarket and has household Direct debits.

if h doesn’t want to do that. Then separate finances and both contribute a monthly agreed amount for food and bills and dd. Then he can spend what he wants

He’s being selfish and this would piss me off. What if you spent the equivalent amount on treats for yourself, like hair, nails, beauty treatments, nights out with friends? You work part time and look after your child. Your incomes should be shared, with ‘spare’ money spent on treats for the whole family, not just him.

There's a balance between spending as much as your DH and living like a miser. Breakfasts out should be a payday treat really.

I think in this instance separate accounts are needed with a percentage split according to incomes to go into the joint bills account. All household bills including kids expenses & grocery shopping come out of this account.

You then have your own accounts for personal spends. His coffees & lunch come out of his spends. His cigarettes come out of his spends.

If he chooses a packed lunch & flask then the contents are part of the grocery shop.

Let him see how long his spends last.

we almost always have left overs for lunch as we’ve gotten into the habit of cooking enough for lunches.

if do buy lunch plus snack it’s probably £15ish dh WFH so doesn’t spend anything. Our grocery bill is high though.

we also have a coffee machine so cafe coffees are on weekends mostly.

sounds like you need to get him to contribute more towards the grocery bill. Adjust for inflation.

My husband and used to pay everything out of our joint account, but we saw stuff like this creeping up.
starting having a ‘fun fund’ card each for things like lunch and coffees at work, hair cuts, gym etc. Transferred £300 each a month and soon got it under control. £5 doesn’t seem like a lot when it’s in amongst everything else in the joint account, but it sure takes a chunk out of £300 if it’s every day 🤷‍♀️

You could even get him to suggest the amount the you are each allocated since he doesn’t think he spends that much

Show him. Don't tell him. He can't argue numbers in a spreadsheet.

It's not just the money, it's also incredibly unhealthy! My husband takes a homemade lunch for his office days, and he's a high earner, so it's not a money thing for us.

OP

Why do you think he does this, if he knows it takes a lot of family finance options off the table?

Does he prioritise family and home life in other ways?

I’d tell him the last line of your OP. How sad that he treats himself every day, 3 times a day (!!) but you could be going as a family instead so you all get treats. He’s being horribly selfish. Do you share finances? If not, you need to ask him for more money.

Such a waste of money & particularly selfish of him if you’re having to be strict with yourself because he’s sabotaging your joint funds. You need to have a serious conversation with him x

Ye're not in Ireland then where the average takeaway coffee is about 4 euro! Whatever about the cigarettes, the pastries and takeaways plus alcohol every day is a disaster for him health wise and wallet wise! I agree with the spreadsheet idea. You could save for a nice holiday or home improvements with the money he's throwing away every year.

That’s enough for a couple of mini breaks if he stopped buying lunch out. Also less cigarettes and alcohol of course you’d save a lot. I am single, but i’d never waste my hard earned cash on shop bought lunches. I don’t even like supermarket sandwiches, so at the moment I make up a homemade harissa chicken, and spinach pasta and it lasts me 3 days. I cook the harrisa chicken on a sunday, and freeze half, so mid week i’ve got less cooking to do for the other batch. I much prefer knowing i’ve got a tasty lunch. I always have it with a little salad. A creature of habit. Might change to something else in a few months.