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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dad taking child he lives with on holiday but not other 2 children

130 replies

Flowerbomb1122 · 10/03/2025 17:16

Hi all.
Name changed as could be outing.

I'll try and keep it short. DC dad has 3 children, all different mums. Still with youngest child's mum.

They've booked a weekend away in the UK for all of them in a couple of weeks.

Then - Dads partner has a friend who is getting married somewhere exotic (think 11 hour flight type lovely weather etc) and they are taking youngest DC there on a 2 week holiday.

My DC is the eldest and is struggling to work out why they and middle DC aren't going.
Apparently dad said well you'd be bored at a wedding - to which DC said yeah but that's only one day. Not sure if anything else has been said.

Now to the AIBU - I feel like this is a bit crap for the other two kids. DC is seeing it as they're all going on holiday without them and is understandably miffed.

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling.

I haven't spoken to him about it as I know it'll end up in a row (narcissistic bully towards me, I've kept a super close eye on what's said to DC so I trust they'd tell me if something was wrong)

Can any step parents / blended families help me out here? Is it a done thing for the children who don't live there full time to be left out of 'family' breaks? Should the 'family' go away as the 3 of them from time to time? I can't work out what's normal in this kind of set up and what's not.

If it makes any difference DC and I are going on holiday abroad this summer, they are my only child.

OP posts:
HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 10/03/2025 17:17

Is youngest not yet school age?

Original poster
Flowerbomb1122 · 10/03/2025 17:18

No not yet, other 2 in primary school x

OP posts:
JandamiHash · 10/03/2025 17:18

YANBU, but it has all the trappings of a dimwit man who keeps planting his seed wherever he fancies - Family Number 1 and Family Number 2 always get pushed to the side for shiny new Family Number 3.

Your poor DD

TwattyMcFuckFace · 10/03/2025 17:20

Why would the other two kids be invited to the wedding when the bride and groom presumably don't know them?

Porcuporpoise · 10/03/2025 17:20

Is the 2 week holiday in term time?

Londonrach1 · 10/03/2025 17:22

Can understand this situation as wedding is during term time. Do the other children know the bride and groom and are they invited.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 10/03/2025 17:23

Ime ultimately life isn't 'fair' on anyone post divorce /remarry /more dc... My exh refused to let me take our dc away.. I did take my younger dc away. Guilt hit obviously but there we have it. The adults need to accept the unfairness and the dc also. Maybe do something with your dc yourself? Don't let this reflect on your dc's view of their sibling..

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/03/2025 17:23

It’s step mums friends wedding… so step mum is only taking her own child, just like how if you were invited to a friends wedding you wouldn’t take DCs half siblings with you. Obviously it’s not as simple as that but it’s the best way to explain it to your child, your DC will get extra holidays or days out with you that youngest half sibling doesn’t get. It’s just the way of blended families sometimes. The 2 elder DC may just not be invited, and it could encroach on school and custody arrangements.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/03/2025 17:24

The older DC aren’t invited to the wedding because they bride and groom don’t know them, and it’s unlikely to be easy to arrange childcare for the wedding (and would you want your DC in a country an 11-hour flight away in childcare you had no idea the quality of?) Unfortunately it’s just the practicalities of not being in a nuclear family - just as if you met somebody else and had another DC there would be differences in your DC’s lives due to have different dads.

CaptainFuture · 10/03/2025 17:25

So youngest is going to their mums friends wedding?
Really hope the other dc are being set up to believe they should be invited to everything their half siblings family does, its really not fair on them.

Pancakeflipper · 10/03/2025 17:25

Who would look after them during the wedding celebrations ?

Are they invited to the wedding?

Does your Ex go away for holidays abroad with only 1 of his children? Or is this only occuring because they are only going because of his partner's friends wedding?

BeaAndBen · 10/03/2025 17:27

Of course it's fair that the woman can go on holiday with her own child and her husband to her friend's wedding.

It would be different if the elder two lived there full time; then it would be cruel to dump them with relatives and swan off. But they don't live there. She and her preschool child should not be contrained by school holidays nor have to take the step children with them on every holiday.

Your DC's father does need to do some fun things with his older children but he's perfectly entitled to go on holiday with his resident family as well.

SemperIdem · 10/03/2025 17:27

I think it’s just one of those things, to be honest.

My step children’s mum went on holiday in the last half term with her new husband and their under school age child. My step children were with us that week as it happened but we didn’t go on holiday. They seemed completely unbothered, and we certainly weren’t going to encourage them to be upset about it.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 10/03/2025 17:32

I suspect the dad’s partner wants to take their own child to her friend’s wedding, but doesn’t want to/can’t afford to take the others and/or might not have childcare for, or want to be away from her own DC for the length of time. It could be that the friend hadn’t invited the other two DC or it could be childcare related.

your DC will get holidays that their dad’s other DC don’t get.

it won’t always seem right or fair, but I think all you can do is remind your own child that they’re going on holiday another time, and they can’t miss school (if wedding in term time). Also that there’s no one to babysit the youngest, and it’s their mum’s friend’s wedding.

Gymmum82 · 10/03/2025 17:32

Why on earth would the partner take 2 children who aren’t even hers to her pals wedding?
They aren’t even invited or known to the couple. Who would look after them while the parents are at the wedding? I’m all for equality but there is no way these kids can go to her friends wedding

piscofrisco · 10/03/2025 17:34

We are going to a family wedding with my DD's. My DSS's are not coming as it falls on a day they are with their mum (and she wouldn't agree it), but also as they would be bored, wouldn't know anyone and don't know the bride and groom well (so why should they have to pay for two kids they don't know to be there). I don't feel bad about it and my DSS's wouldn't expect to come.

CaptainFuture · 10/03/2025 17:36

Hope dc AREN'T being set up of course!

Crazycatlady79 · 10/03/2025 17:37

Presumably not invited as the bride and groom are friends of the youngest DC's mother.
And, this is how I would be explaining it to the DC.
It's not a traditional family holiday; it's a destination wedding.
It's not 'fair' as such, but these set ups rarely are to the children (my DC's father has older children by a different ex partner and he's never treated my two as 'well' as he has his elder children (and that's on me, choosing to have DC with a deadbeat with older children 🤦🏼‍♀️)).

Mrsttcno1 · 10/03/2025 17:38

BeaAndBen · 10/03/2025 17:27

Of course it's fair that the woman can go on holiday with her own child and her husband to her friend's wedding.

It would be different if the elder two lived there full time; then it would be cruel to dump them with relatives and swan off. But they don't live there. She and her preschool child should not be contrained by school holidays nor have to take the step children with them on every holiday.

Your DC's father does need to do some fun things with his older children but he's perfectly entitled to go on holiday with his resident family as well.

Yeah this.

It’s part of life with blended families who don’t all live together all of the time.

Your child is getting a holiday with you that her step siblings aren’t getting, and they’re all going for a weekend away together in a few weeks, that’s a good mix.

ThighsYouCantControl · 10/03/2025 17:40

I think the fact that they’re going to a wedding, of friends of their stepmum at that, is the main thing to remember here. Basically your ex and his partner have been invited and they’re having their (toddler?) tag along and making a holiday of it.

If they were going to Orlando as an actual holiday or similar and refusing to take the older kids then he’d be unreasonable. And suck as a dad.

Moonnstars · 10/03/2025 17:43

YABU.
Of course the mum of the child that lives with dad will take her own child to her own friends wedding.

The other children are not being ignored, they are still going on a family holiday. Unfortunately this is just the way it is with blended families as they don't stay with dad all the time so won't always do the same thing the half sibling who lives with dad does.

I imagine it would also have become complicated if dad had asked you and the other child's mum to take them out of school and whether you both would have been willing to pay the fine.

NiceProblems · 10/03/2025 17:43

I think everyone else has explained it well, I wouldn’t make a big deal of it to your DC, just brush it off as they aren’t invited to the wedding as. They won’t know the couple and remind them that they are having a lovely holiday with you in the summer.

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/03/2025 17:54

So really it's the current partner who is invited to the wedding, and they are taking their child and the child's father with them. Perhaps they are paying for the holiday or at least contributing? It's rotten for the older kids and he sounds like a deadbeat but understandable that current partner doesn't want to holiday with two step-children.

CautiousLurker01 · 10/03/2025 17:56

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/03/2025 17:23

It’s step mums friends wedding… so step mum is only taking her own child, just like how if you were invited to a friends wedding you wouldn’t take DCs half siblings with you. Obviously it’s not as simple as that but it’s the best way to explain it to your child, your DC will get extra holidays or days out with you that youngest half sibling doesn’t get. It’s just the way of blended families sometimes. The 2 elder DC may just not be invited, and it could encroach on school and custody arrangements.

It looks like this to me - plus the child is not at school and is possible free in terms of flights and hotel. I’m not sure this is as complicated as OP would like it to be.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/03/2025 18:02

YABU

  1. Your DC is presumably not invited as the B&G are from their SM's side.
  1. They're travelling in term time
  1. They'd be bored.
  1. It's not really a family holiday. It's a wedding with a holiday wraparound.