DD dad taking child he lives with on holiday but not other 2 children

[Flowerbomb1122]

Hi all.
Name changed as could be outing.

I'll try and keep it short. DC dad has 3 children, all different mums. Still with youngest child's mum.

They've booked a weekend away in the UK for all of them in a couple of weeks.

Then - Dads partner has a friend who is getting married somewhere exotic (think 11 hour flight type lovely weather etc) and they are taking youngest DC there on a 2 week holiday.

My DC is the eldest and is struggling to work out why they and middle DC aren't going.
Apparently dad said well you'd be bored at a wedding - to which DC said yeah but that's only one day. Not sure if anything else has been said.

Now to the AIBU - I feel like this is a bit crap for the other two kids. DC is seeing it as they're all going on holiday without them and is understandably miffed.

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling.

I haven't spoken to him about it as I know it'll end up in a row (narcissistic bully towards me, I've kept a super close eye on what's said to DC so I trust they'd tell me if something was wrong)

Can any step parents / blended families help me out here? Is it a done thing for the children who don't live there full time to be left out of 'family' breaks? Should the 'family' go away as the 3 of them from time to time? I can't work out what's normal in this kind of set up and what's not.

If it makes any difference DC and I are going on holiday abroad this summer, they are my only child.

Why is he a shit dad for not taking the kids to a wedding he is merely a plus one for?

So what you're saying is that it's fine for 2 of his children to miss out on a 2 week holiday but a 2 year old not having his dad at a wedding is unacceptable?

He shouldn't Keep having kids with different women if he can't treat them fairly.

If dad can’t afford or not convenient to take other kids then he should not tell them , he should make out he’s going to London for training course or some such
dad needs to know he’s caused hurt and has some making up to do and needs to book legoland etc

So he should refrain from accompanying his partner and their child to a wedding because that “hurts his children?”

It’s only “hurting” the children because their mom (well one of the mom’s has explained it badly.)

I do think it’s fine, yes. He doesn’t have to take all three of his children on this particular same holiday, which has complicated logistics, and which they can’t attend due to being in school where his youngest child is not. Arguably there’s a case to argue that he should take his other children away on a different holiday at some point, but even in nuclear families, it’s perfectly fine to do different things with different children according to their ages. There’s no point opining on what people should have done in the past when they can’t reverse decisions such as having had further children; and it’s not fair that those further children have to automatically lose out on a normal family life simply because of their parent’s decisions.

So he can never do anything with his new partner and their friends if the DC from previous relationships aren’t invited?

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't think it's even remotely okay to take one child abroad for 2 weeks and not do the same for your other two.

Imagine the brides face when two random teens turn up at her wedding because it wasn’t fair to for her friend’s new partner’s previous children not to come.

Where have I said that they should go to the wedding?

This is deranged. How have they been “discarded” by not getting an invite to the wedding of their step-mom’s friend?

So what happens to the kids during the wedding?

You ok with him leaving them alone in a hotel room?

It’s not a two week holiday. It’s a destination wedding that they have added days to.

Yes. It’s fine for two of his kids to not be invited yo the destination wedding of a couple that don’t know them. And which they cannot attend anyway because the wedding and trip are in term time.

(It’s fair to argue he should do something with his other kids at a separate point. But you are arguing he should not be going on this travel with his current family which is unreasonable.)

And to be clear he is not “taking one of his kids overseas”. He appears to be a plus one. The toddler would be in attendance with their mom who is invited.

If he let his partner and toddler go and he stayed behind would that be fairer?

So what happens to the kids while the dad and his partner are at the wedding? Who do you want to look after them?

If you're going to keep responding to me then you should read my posts and you'll know my answer.

Your response was assinine. Basically he should fly to the destination wedding but then abandon his partner to attend by herself with the toddler while he occupies the two other kids.

How is that somehow a reasonable solution? It’s completely batshit. I can only assume your ex does things with his new family you are bitter about.

Well you'd be assuming wrong. I don't have any exes and my husband certainly doesn't have any other families.

Is the wedding in the carribean by any chance? lol I’m afraid it’s how the cookie crumbles. Another reason not to enter blended families

I don't get this whole "don't treat kids differently" idea anyway. My sibling got 2 abroad holidays (to compete) and one parent took her and the rest of us stayed at home. You don't see me crying about it as a near 40 yo.

YABU. It's his partners friends wedding. Nothing to do with your DC.

It's hard for children to understand why daddy does certain things, you (the other parent) end up torn trying to explain things to them to reassure them but at the same time trying not to slate the other parent. Been there! You become an expert in minimising things so they don't get caught up in it. It's heartbreaking. My DD's dad is a narcissist and despite us putting 100% into protecting her mental health above everything, she hasn't come out unscathed by any means.

My best advice is - be thankful that your DC gets 'short' holidays with her dad - less opportunity to be affected by him. Don't feel put out that your DC doesn't get the opportunity to travel 11 hours away for 2 weeks on a blended family holiday.

No doubt his new relationship will go down the pan if it hasn't already x

You're expecting a lot from the bride and groom to include all three kids - don't be so entitled

Do you have any contact arrangements in place with the father?

I would imagine it's quite difficult for him (🙄) to have to deal with 3 different mums, making sure all his 3 children are treated equally but only the youngest has both parents. The slightly older 2 will probably always be treated differently and no doubt it all causes friction in their dad's household but that's his problem.

It's step mum who is going to the wedding, taking her child and her partner. Your child is not involved nor invited, the only thing involving your child is that dad is on holiday. If that means your ex is not available when he's due to do childcare then you can arrange an alternative visit, or ask for payment from him for babysitters if you need to work.

You can criticise him all day long for having children with 3 different women, though women do have some responsibility not to have children with idiots. The wedding though is fair enough, when you decide to have a split family the children don't get every challenge nor every treat for both households, and you have to be clearer that fair is not always equal. Much better if you just cheerfully said "Oh but it's stepmum friend not dad's, that's why. Remember you're having a holiday to France this summer with me that new baby won't get."

I think your ex is a twat to have kids with 3 different women. But in this particular case he's not doing anything wrong. He is a +1 at the wedding and his current wife is bringing their toddler.

If stepmum is paying, say, half the cost of the holiday, would OP be prepared to pay half the cost for her DC to join them? Term time and no invitation to the wedding aside, unless DC’s dad is very well off and paying for everything, this doesn’t seem a reasonable expectation.