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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD dad taking child he lives with on holiday but not other 2 children

130 replies

Flowerbomb1122 · 10/03/2025 17:16

Hi all.
Name changed as could be outing.

I'll try and keep it short. DC dad has 3 children, all different mums. Still with youngest child's mum.

They've booked a weekend away in the UK for all of them in a couple of weeks.

Then - Dads partner has a friend who is getting married somewhere exotic (think 11 hour flight type lovely weather etc) and they are taking youngest DC there on a 2 week holiday.

My DC is the eldest and is struggling to work out why they and middle DC aren't going.
Apparently dad said well you'd be bored at a wedding - to which DC said yeah but that's only one day. Not sure if anything else has been said.

Now to the AIBU - I feel like this is a bit crap for the other two kids. DC is seeing it as they're all going on holiday without them and is understandably miffed.

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling.

I haven't spoken to him about it as I know it'll end up in a row (narcissistic bully towards me, I've kept a super close eye on what's said to DC so I trust they'd tell me if something was wrong)

Can any step parents / blended families help me out here? Is it a done thing for the children who don't live there full time to be left out of 'family' breaks? Should the 'family' go away as the 3 of them from time to time? I can't work out what's normal in this kind of set up and what's not.

If it makes any difference DC and I are going on holiday abroad this summer, they are my only child.

OP posts:
Northerngirl821 · 10/03/2025 18:44

We didn’t take my stepson on term time holidays when my child was little - we went to family resorts and spent the whole time at the pool or kids club. He was a teenager and would have hated it. We still did lots of things with him and we also spent more on birthday presents etc. for him as he was into expensive stuff like computer games and lego that cost a lot more than toys for a toddler.

Step siblings are never going to be treated exactly the same as each other, unfortunately that’s just the way it is with blended families.

Could he do something with just the older two to make up for it a bit eg weekend at legoland or something else they would like?

GrimTimes1 · 10/03/2025 18:46

Even without the wedding, I really don't see the problem with them going on a holiday without the older DC.

My own DC are 50:50 between me and my exH.
They recently went abroad with their Dad and during the summer while they are with their Dad, me DH and youngest DC might go abroad for a week - I don't think there's anything wrong with this at all!

We will also book a holiday probably in the UK for all 5 of us, but the way I see it - they're not missing out on a holiday as they will still get one with us during the school holidays (just not abroad cos it's ridiculously expensive for a family of 5 at the moment) and they've had one with their Dad this year too.
We are restricted to school holidays for getting away because of our jobs and my exH isn't as well so this is a factor for us.

whycantibeselfishforonce · 10/03/2025 18:49

I agree with the PPs here. I would speak to my DC and explain that as it is Step-Mum''s friends wedding then it is to be expected that it would just be the three of them going. Is it fair? Well, possibly not but understandable and something that your DC and the other will need to adapt to and accept.

Also taking an extra two people on flights etc etc would obviously add a lot of cost to the wedding trip of course so this is probably a factor for them.

I'd be encouraging my DC to not dwell on it and not bad mouth her Dad (not saying you are) but stay positive and neutral.

MumWifeOther · 10/03/2025 18:49

Am I right in thinking it’s the youngest who’s the child of the current partner, and the current partners friend is getting married? If so it’s pretty obvious why the other children probably haven’t been invited and pretty reasonable?

caringcarer · 10/03/2025 18:52

Your DC and DC number 2 are probably not invited to the wedding of step Mums friend. Plus step Mum is entitled to go to this wedding in school term time when your DC and DC number 2 will be in school. All DC are going on a weekend trip with Dad so that's nice for them all. Your DC is going on holiday with you so it's not like your DC is not getting a holiday. I think it's ok for Dad to go on holiday with his partner and third DC sometimes without the older 2. Maybe sometimes he'll take older 2 DC away on his own without the younger one.

Missionimprobable · 10/03/2025 18:56

For dds peace of mind I'd explain in an age appropriate way..
It's dads partners friend who is getting married, dads partner is invited and she has to take her dc, dad is invited as her guest.
Weddings are expensive, we don't know the B&G, that's why you're not invited.

Tagyoureit · 10/03/2025 18:58

Well what would have said if your ex had said I want to take dd to a strangers wedding and she'll have to have 2 weeks off from school?

You'd probably make a thread about that thinking he was being unreasonable.

The main reason for this holiday is his partner's friend's wedding who presumably haven't met the eldest 2 so why would they be invited to it?

I think in this situation, it's perfectly fine for them to go without the oldest 2 even if it does seem a bit unfair but life sometimes is.

EG94 · 10/03/2025 18:58

Remind your child how you’re taking her on holiday and her siblings aren’t going and whilst sometimes it feels unfair each of them will get things the other won’t but that’s life now and perfectly normal. Whilst it may feel unfair, I’m sure your child won’t feel too sad on their holiday that their siblings aren’t attending

sleepwouldbenice · 10/03/2025 18:59

Given the relationship with the bride, and its term time I think the holiday without the older 2 is reasonable. However he should be consciously making and effort to talk to them about it and for them to have some time with him as well, maybe especially some activities that primary school kids would enjoy

TonTonMacoute · 10/03/2025 19:03

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling

I can think of quite a few reasons. Maybe they don't want to have the responsibility for two whole weeks so far away from home. How would you feel if your DC fell ill when they were the other side of the world?

Maybe the wedding couple don't want two extra kids as guests?

Maybe it would just add too much to the cost of the whole trip?

Pottedpalm · 10/03/2025 19:03

It will only be an issue if you let it.

AllosaurusMum · 10/03/2025 19:08

OP you're not wrong. Please don't trying to convince your child that their dad is doing nothing wrong. He's a shit dad and they're realizing that and will eventually have to come to terms ruth it. Just be there for your child and try to make them realize it's not their fault their dad sucks.

It's completely wrong to take one child on a big two week holiday and only take the others on some crappy weekend trip.

Nellsbell · 10/03/2025 19:09

The fairer option would be if he made arrangements to take the other children away somewhere at another time. It’s his partners friends wedding so I don’t think the friend would invite all 3 children. My ex dh goes away a few times a year with his dp, no children included. Mine get a couple of nights with him in a caravan while he goes longhaul. Priorities show as they get older and they learn.

LaPam · 10/03/2025 19:12

11 hour flight… How many thousands of pounds if he takes all the children? But most importantly, this is not a family holiday, it is a social event.

Let’s put it this way, he is going to the wedding of his partner’s friends and he and his partner have a young child they are taking with them as there is no spare parent/household to baby sit for them. I’m pretty sure that if there was someone to care for the youngest, they would also leave him behind.

You would be reasonably angry if this was just a normal family holiday but… even if it were, when it comes to blended families things are assessed on a case by case basis.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 10/03/2025 19:14

Usually I would say he’s an asshole. However it’s in term time and it’s also a wedding they can’t dictate when it is like they could with a holiday and it’s not like they have a choice not to bring the one they live with.

LaPam · 10/03/2025 19:15

Tagyoureit · 10/03/2025 18:58

Well what would have said if your ex had said I want to take dd to a strangers wedding and she'll have to have 2 weeks off from school?

You'd probably make a thread about that thinking he was being unreasonable.

The main reason for this holiday is his partner's friend's wedding who presumably haven't met the eldest 2 so why would they be invited to it?

I think in this situation, it's perfectly fine for them to go without the oldest 2 even if it does seem a bit unfair but life sometimes is.

This. I certainly would hit the roof if ex suggested taking DS away for that long during term time.

Hollietree · 10/03/2025 19:16

If I was planning my wedding far away abroad, I would presumably be wanting a small intimate wedding with just my family and closest friends.

I would not be inviting my friend’s new partners 2 children from his 2 previous relationships….. who I barely know, or possibly haven’t even met!

Of course they aren’t invited.

Explain to your child that this is life being part of a blended family. Sometimes her half siblings will get to do cool stuff that she doesn’t. Sometimes she gets to do cool stuff with you, that her half siblings don’t get to do. It’s a great life lesson.

Allshadowlylined · 10/03/2025 19:20

Hollietree · 10/03/2025 19:16

If I was planning my wedding far away abroad, I would presumably be wanting a small intimate wedding with just my family and closest friends.

I would not be inviting my friend’s new partners 2 children from his 2 previous relationships….. who I barely know, or possibly haven’t even met!

Of course they aren’t invited.

Explain to your child that this is life being part of a blended family. Sometimes her half siblings will get to do cool stuff that she doesn’t. Sometimes she gets to do cool stuff with you, that her half siblings don’t get to do. It’s a great life lesson.

This.

Bournetilly · 10/03/2025 19:22

How old are the eldest 2? Were they invited to the wedding and is the holiday during term time?

If it was just a holiday then I would definitely say he should be taking the eldest 2 but it’s slightly different with it being a wedding.

Edited as just re read that it’s his partners friend getting married. The eldest 2 probably weren't even invited.

Zero2ten · 10/03/2025 19:29

BeaAndBen · 10/03/2025 17:27

Of course it's fair that the woman can go on holiday with her own child and her husband to her friend's wedding.

It would be different if the elder two lived there full time; then it would be cruel to dump them with relatives and swan off. But they don't live there. She and her preschool child should not be contrained by school holidays nor have to take the step children with them on every holiday.

Your DC's father does need to do some fun things with his older children but he's perfectly entitled to go on holiday with his resident family as well.

Exactly this

BinWim · 10/03/2025 19:32

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/03/2025 17:23

It’s step mums friends wedding… so step mum is only taking her own child, just like how if you were invited to a friends wedding you wouldn’t take DCs half siblings with you. Obviously it’s not as simple as that but it’s the best way to explain it to your child, your DC will get extra holidays or days out with you that youngest half sibling doesn’t get. It’s just the way of blended families sometimes. The 2 elder DC may just not be invited, and it could encroach on school and custody arrangements.

This.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/03/2025 19:43

Their dad is only going as a plus one. He doesn't get to add another plus two.

justanothercrapbedtime · 10/03/2025 19:48

Sorry I think you are being a bit silly over this. The two children who aren't coming are in school. The youngest isn't and is the child of the woman who is actually invited. The dad is a plus one.

mum11970 · 10/03/2025 19:50

Don’t set your child up to feel hard done by every time everything is not the exactly the same because they are the one it’s going to damage. Dsc would sometimes come with us, sometimes with their mum. There is absolutely no way things can be exactly the same for all the children in a blended family. You have plans to take your dd on holiday, do you think it would be OK for her dad to say you can’t take her because his other child isn’t going on holiday? Building resentment will not help your dd in the slightest. All our children are adults now and have an extremely close bond.

Eyerollexpert · 10/03/2025 19:53

If it wasn't a wedding on SM side I could see your point but as it is I would not have a problem.
My younger 2 had their Dad frequently going on holiday with his partner and her two kids exactly the same age as ours. I think that was a bit much but his loss.I think she could have paid but I know for a fact she, even after years,doesn't contribute to the household bills just buys shopping.
The only time they were taken anywhere was a mid week break In a caravan in Blackpool, it wasn't a success 😑 so kids now think they had a lot of near miss.
My kids don't forget and don't want to have a close relationship with him now.