DD dad taking child he lives with on holiday but not other 2 children

[Flowerbomb1122]

Hi all.
Name changed as could be outing.

I'll try and keep it short. DC dad has 3 children, all different mums. Still with youngest child's mum.

They've booked a weekend away in the UK for all of them in a couple of weeks.

Then - Dads partner has a friend who is getting married somewhere exotic (think 11 hour flight type lovely weather etc) and they are taking youngest DC there on a 2 week holiday.

My DC is the eldest and is struggling to work out why they and middle DC aren't going.
Apparently dad said well you'd be bored at a wedding - to which DC said yeah but that's only one day. Not sure if anything else has been said.

Now to the AIBU - I feel like this is a bit crap for the other two kids. DC is seeing it as they're all going on holiday without them and is understandably miffed.

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling.

I haven't spoken to him about it as I know it'll end up in a row (narcissistic bully towards me, I've kept a super close eye on what's said to DC so I trust they'd tell me if something was wrong)

Can any step parents / blended families help me out here? Is it a done thing for the children who don't live there full time to be left out of 'family' breaks? Should the 'family' go away as the 3 of them from time to time? I can't work out what's normal in this kind of set up and what's not.

If it makes any difference DC and I are going on holiday abroad this summer, they are my only child.

I'm surprised you and your dd are 'struggling' to work this out, when it's obviously ok. Her dad is a plus one to a wedding.

Op should your ex's current gf have told her friend to change the date to school holidays so your dc can attend?
His life doesn't stand still when he doesn't have his dc you have together with him ...
He isn't trying to get one over on you or deliberately discard his dc...
He is going to a wedding of his gf's friend and they are taking their dc with them.
You are ott. And it will rub off on your dc.

You think he’s wrong to attend the wedding his partner, their child and he have been invited to?

Or he’s wrong not to take his other kids out of school so they can go even though they haven’t been invited and don’t know the couple getting married?

OP, there’s no angle needed. The reason your child isn’t going is because they don’t know the couple and haven’t been invited. Also it’s during term time. It’s not remotely complicated.

I'm trying to think what their angle is but I'm struggling

Who's angle? A woman has been invited to her friends wedding and she’s bringing her partner and her child. I’m not sure what’s confusing here?

You are setting your DC up for failure here.

Decent parents don’t make choices that are fun for them but hurt their children.

I think YABU.

It's a friend of your DC's step mum and it's during the term.

I don't see why it's unfair.

It's not hurtful for a child not to be invited to a wedding of a person they've never met. It's also not hurtful for a child not to go on a holiday they are legally not allowed to go on.

As everyone has mostly said it's not the father's friend that would be different. It's the mother's she brings her child and his father .it's nothing to do with your child really

Exactly!

YABU. The child’s mother is taking them and her husband to her friend’s wedding, who the older children presumably don’t know.

YABU. The older 2 aren’t invited as they don’t know the couple getting married. Your ex p is basically a plus one to the wedding of his partners friend and obviously they have invited their child but not yours (because they don’t know them)

Its term time, their child isn’t in school yet

Makes sense to me

I think it’s okay under the circumstances. If they were just going on holiday, maybe not. But they are going to a wedding that presumably your dc haven’t been invited to.

I take one of my dc on holiday from time to time and not the other. Sometimes it’s just not suitable because they are different ages, and it’s nice to have one to one time with each of them. I’d expect dad to organise a holiday to have one to one time with each of the older ones though.

And it will ultimately upset his youngest child if they are never able to do anything with their dad as a family - such as attend a wedding that the family are invited to - because his other children’s mothers think he should decline anything which their children haven’t also been invited to take part in. It’s just the reality of this sort of family set up, you can rarely please three entirely different families simultaneously.

We have 4 children between us a shared ds plus my dh two children and my eldest. We have done a mixture of holidays the majority we take all the kids however we have been away twice with just the youngest as nursery age and during term time also my eldest was away for one of these with school. Once with just my 2 as holidays didn’t match (3 kids had 3 different term dates) my dh has been away with just his daughter and has plans to go away with just his son.

On a weekly basis I would say elder kids get more one on one time due to lifts being required/hobbies and shopping trips the age difference means it’s often easier for one of us to stay at home with the youngest.

We approached it honestly and openly and all the kids accept that there are different schools/homes etc and it’s not always possible to make holidays work with all of us but we make sure to spend quality time in other ways.

If I were you I’d be telling my child they can’t miss school like their sibling can and it’s not a holiday the wedding will be a big and boring portion. Make out like they aren’t missing out at all, you might not like it or agree with it but don’t let your feelings spill over.

Sorry to say this is the norm. my kids have a half sibling. I'm not with their dad anymore but he rarely has them all together

Depends on a lot of things i think. Is wedding in half term? Are friends his or his partners? Is his youngest a baby/toddler? Does he expect you and the other mum to refuse to allow him to take them so long?

I wonder if he'd be going without any of the kids if he could manage it

If I was going to my friends wedding, with my husband and our child, no, I wouldn't want to take another two women's children with me.

If oldest and middle child lived with him, even if they still didn't know the bridal party- He would need to take them as well. Just like he would need to take them anywhere he goes so they aren't left home alone. Not living with a parent doesn't make the child less of their responsibility.

The amount of people who are okay with this is outrageous. Those poor older kids have basically been discarded.

Discarded by someone they don't even know? Are you mad.

It's not even the dad's friend whose wedding it is.

I'm pretty sure they know their own father. Or at least they did until he moved onto the next.

The wedding is one day. It's a two week holiday. If it's not his friend then he doesn't need to attend.

How does it benefit his youngest child to have their father have to decline to attend a wedding their family has been invited to? They shouldn’t have to miss out on doing normal things as a family unit because their father has a complicated life involving previous children.

YABU. You need to teach your child to deal with disappointment. They aren't invited, it's a wedding.

Why would he take older two kids to the wedding of his partner’s friend?

They don’t know those kids. It makes sense why younger DC would go as the child is going either their mother (and father) but I don’t get why the other kids would expect to go to the wedding of the friend of their stepmother.

YABVU.