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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

604 replies

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 21:03

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

OP posts:

Original poster

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:33

mathanxiety · 09/03/2025 21:53

I'd say she's fed up of being mithered for snacks.

My DCs had some friends who never stopped asking for food. They also had one or two who turned their noses up at the kind of crackers or yogurt I had, which I had offered - not with a polite no thank you, but "Don't you have any X or Y?" These kids were just rude, entitled little madams, and too old to not understand that the answer to an offer of food is either Yes please or No thank you.

I flat out told the pesterers 'No, we'll have a snack in an hour'.

The DCs who were rude did not get invited back.

I feel really embarrassed tbh

OP posts:

WinterBones · 09/03/2025 22:33

the best approach is to pop over, knock the door and go "DD came home yesterday and said you were upset about something, i just wanted to check you're ok with her coming over and she's not getting on your nerves."

Then during the conversation you tell her "she's been sick recently and her meds are making her really hungry, if she asks for a snack, just tell her to come home and get something to eat at home, i'd hate for you to feel like you have to feed her just because she's asked."

there is no need for all the hand wringing.

BarracuddaYouda · 09/03/2025 22:33

My DD has a friend who when is over constantly comes up and down the stairs asking when tea is ready. She's opened my fridge many times also to say she's hungry... I've learnt to just deal with it by giving her a bowl of grapes or half an apple. I will never pander to her requests for constant unhealthy snacks etc as when she's here she'll get a full tea and often asks for seconds too. It would never occur to me to berate her or shout at her or DD for asking. She's just a kid.

Original poster

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:34

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/03/2025 21:54

As pps have said, you need to talk to the boy's mum.

I don't think you've acknowledged this, so I'm joining in the chorus to hammer it home.

Oh, and it's undermining, not under minding. (sorry 😔)

Yes, mistake in typing/phone, I know 👍

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 09/03/2025 22:34

I was brought up to never ever ask for food at other people's houses.

It's impolite and it's true they may have money issues or simply not have enough spare food.
Definitely send her with snacks and tell her she must not request food anywhere other than at home/with family. And say thank you for whatever is offered even if she doesn't like it!

I used to often feel hungry as a kid if there weren't many snacks or I disliked the meal served at a pals house.
It's just a bit tough really but not going to hurt them.

It's not other people's responsibility to feed your kids beyond the usual things they are offering.

AngelicKaty · 09/03/2025 22:35

AubernFable · 09/03/2025 22:29

Some people on this thread are being awful calling a six year old with a medical issue greedy, rude and annoying and implying OP is a bad parent. It’s shocking honestly and those PP’s need to have a word with themselves.

Show quote history

I agree. It's like some of them haven't read all of OP's posts - or they're just plain nasty.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/03/2025 22:35

WinterBones · 09/03/2025 22:33

there is no need for all the hand wringing.

Do this.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 09/03/2025 22:36

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:33

I feel really embarrassed tbh

Show quote history

I can understand that, although you have no need to be. But you do need to get a handle on this to stop any bad feelings festering on either yours or the other mums side and that needs a conversation. It probably won't be as bad as you fear but the sooner the better.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2025 22:37

You don’t really have crisps or sweets

dd then asks for these specific snacks

fruit - rice cakes - crackers - breadsticks - veggie sticks

all the above are Healthy snacks

send those with dd and some water

often hunger is thirst

but she is also old enough to listen to you and not ask for snack /sweets/popcorn etx

stuff you don’t have at home

if she can’t go without food for 2/3hrs then needs to go back to you if hungry

Devianinc · 09/03/2025 22:37

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 21:51

Why? They often play in the garden, trampoline, games etc, they really enjoy it, for me it’s no problem and I enjoy putting small snacks out

Show quote history

The way your posting about it sounds like daughter goes there and is constantly asking for food. It’s rude and if the mom says no then that’s that. She’s also asking for specific snacks. Not like a banana or and apple. She’s going for the good stuff.

littleluncheon · 09/03/2025 22:38

Can you imagine the responses if it was an AIBU from the other mum's pov though? "My neighbours keep sending their 6yo over to my house because she's an only child and wants to play with my son. I try to keep them playing outside but sometimes this kid stays for 3+ hours. At first I offered nice snacks and treats but now I'm fed up with being asked for food"

AngelicKaty · 09/03/2025 22:39

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:33

I feel really embarrassed tbh

Show quote history

Don't be. I think, when the other mum knows there's a medical condition at play here, she'll feel a bit embarrassed. However, neither of you need to feel that way. You just need a friendly, frank conversation about what the problem is and the offering the solution you've already proposed on here. 😊

Original poster

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:40

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 21:57

My son has a neighbourhood friend who came over a few times and ate his way through our snack drawer. I have very disordered eating so am practicing a very liberal approach to food - lots of stuff available everywhere, not a lot of restrictions (trying to reverse my upbringing!) but he lives in a house with lots of food restrictions. He is super healthy and the family is lovely, but he got a bit over excited about what my house has and it was a bit of a problem. I had to put some limits around it for everyone's sake. (Two snacks per visit and done)

So wondering if its a combination here of your daughters diet (agree you should maybe up the protein if this is normal), not having some fun stuff available and getting excited when seeing it, a difficult time with a new medication and perhaps some too long play dates.

You really should just talk to the other mum and apologise for your daughter's rudeness and explain she's super hungry so you'll be making sure she brings snacks with her (string cheese is great!) just in case but also tell your daughter every time that she should come home for snacks. Maybe get one of those watches to remind her to come home each hour or two for a topup.

My daughter is a dancer and always hungry and loves a spoonful of peanut butter after a workout - super quick and easy and back to playing.

Families all have their own rhythms - maybe the older daughter bought special popcorn, maybe there are rules around who can eat what, maybe the son already had his snacks before your daughter came round, maybe there are dietary restrictions or challenges... no reason to worry about their food and who is sharing what, you should just focus on your own kid.

Yes I think you may be right about being over excited by the crisps and sweets they have.

OP posts:

Onlycoffee · 09/03/2025 22:40

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:33

I feel really embarrassed tbh

Show quote history

Pp are being hard on you and your dd.

The friend's mother made her dc and your dd cry over snacks, she should be embarrassed.

Allshadowlylined · 09/03/2025 22:40

Your child is not asking for food, she is being provided with food. The mother does feed her. She is asking for the “junk” food that you say you don’t have in your house. You can’t blame the child for trying to be fair but she should gave been taught that you don’t ask for treats in someone else’s house.
Maybe buy a few treats in and let her gave some occasionally she won’t be agog when she sees what other children have.

BigSilly · 09/03/2025 22:40

Popcorn is considered a choking hazard in under 5s which may be why she said no out of hand

Original poster

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:40

Hortus · 09/03/2025 21:56

Irrespective of whether she's hungry or not, it's extremely rude to ask for food at someone else's house. You need to teach her good manners, it certainly isn't good manners to ask for food at someone else's house whether you're a child or adult.

So you need to tell her never to ask anyone else for food. I imagine the other mother thinks it's extremely rude and is irritated by it, especially as your daughter is asking for junk. She probably wonders why your child is so greedy.

You need to feed her more at mealtimes, especially protein, to fill her up. If she's desperate when she's at this boy's house she should go back to yours to eat something.

Bit harsh…she’s 6 and has been ill

OP posts:

MsAmerica · 09/03/2025 22:41

Surely complex rules of politeness shouldn't be held against a small child who's hungry?

BigSilly · 09/03/2025 22:42

I think it's really cheeky to ask for food at a friend's house!,

mathanxiety · 09/03/2025 22:43

It's really not complex.

Don't ask.

Say yes please or no thank you if offered.

Don't go over to play if all you really want to do is eat your way through their snacks.

TheSilentSister · 09/03/2025 22:43

Nip it in the bud. Go over at the first opportunity. Start off by saying thank you for having your DD over and how much she enjoys it and then tell them about her hunger issues. You could exaggerate and say it's ramped up at home so assume it has done at theirs. Tell them you will be providing snacks in future and hope that doesn't offend them. I think acknowledging the issue is part of their problem and hopefully that will smooth things over and there will be less issues going on.

OliveWah · 09/03/2025 22:43

I've only read your posts @Idliketobeamillionaire, so apologies if someone has already suggested this. What I imagine happened was that the other Mum had told her DS that he was not to ask for snacks at all, and when your DD asked her, the Mum thought that her own DS had pushed her to make the request on his behalf, so that he didn't get in trouble. It would explain why she got so cross with her DS.

katepilar · 09/03/2025 22:45

CaptainFuture · 09/03/2025 21:18

Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast.
Toast may be a snack,.but sandwich isn't.
If she's not wanting to go because she didn't get popcorn, is she only going for the food?
Quite hurtful for the friend!

How is a toast a snack while a sandwich is not?

Isittimeformynapyet · 09/03/2025 22:45

Idliketobeamillionaire · 09/03/2025 22:33

I feel really embarrassed tbh

Show quote history

I understand OP, but I promise the best thing to do is just keep your chin up and talk to the boy's mother. A pp suggested the perfect approach starting with "Hi Jane..." a few pages back. It doesn't need to be heavy.

Sometimes you've just got to be a grown up and face a bit of embarrassment, otherwise it won't go away and you'll be skulking around the neighborhood unnecessarily.

pizzaHeart · 09/03/2025 22:45

Tbh your DD is only 6, she saw popcorn and asked for some. Not a big deal. I actually think that the other mum was rude as she could politely explain to your DD that there’s no more popcorn or they had snacks already or whatever.
If she doesn’t like DD coming for some reason or want her to come less or at certain times she should manage it nicely and politely, not by getting her child upset when he had a friend over.

I also don’t like that part of the story where they are sitting mostly outside, not in the house. It seems that your DD is not particularly welcomed. I might be wrong but if I were you I would think carefully about the situation. Maybe allowing DD to come for shorter periods is a way forward e.g she goes after lunch for an hour and then you go and pick her up.
And I’m in 2 minds about telling the other mum about medications- are you sure you want to share this info with her?

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