Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

✅️

I have my children's friends over quite a bit and am generally happy to feed them meals or snacks, but I do sometimes feel a bit irritated with kids who frequently come asking for more or for something different. It's partly about the faff of fetching snacks, partly about not wanting to burn through food for the week in one afternoon (some kids will absolutely demolish snacks given the opportunity), and partly because my own children would eat sweet snacks all day long given the opportunity, so I don't want it to become a free for all.

I have also told my kids ahead of play dates that I only want them to have what I'm offering, so not to ask for anything else when their friends are there. If they disregarded that I would be annoyed with them (my children, not the friends).

All that being said, even the friend who has been known to fetch stuff for herself from my fridge (which I definitely found irritating) is a lovely girl that I love to have come and play, and I would definitely not want her mother to feel embarrassed. In your case, I would imagine that's doubly so given that their child plays at yours very often. Don't fret about it, but yes, it sounds like a good idea to mention the meds to your neighbour and to re-iterate the message to you daughter that she should come home if hungry for more than what is offered.

Perhaps the Mom does not want your daughter around so much and her son around as much in your house, particularly if you are on a different page when it comes to parenting. Maybe take it back a bit. If he calls over ask him to go back and check with his Mom that it is ok to come around and play? I wonder does the Mom also feel judged by you.

Regardless you need to teach your daughter it is impolite to ask for food. If she is over in her friends house then she needs to pop home for something to eat. She should not bring snacks to the house. How is she managing in school.

I find the idea of calling a six year old rude for asking for food utterly bizarre, to be honest. It just feels really old fashioned and quite mean, and doesn’t really show much understanding of how children are. I don’t think you need to be embarrassed, OP. Just have a chat with that mum, explain that your daughter is on medication, and offer to send snacks over with her. The other mum is probably skint and that’s why.

I’m sorry that people are being so unkind on here when your little one has clearly been unwell. It’s given me a not very nice glimpse of mumsnet yet again. I do think there is quite a small-minded, petty, moralistic little Englander tendency on here when it comes to “manners”. They seem to come with such an awful lot of moral weight and I find it a bit weird, especially when it’s about a child that has a clear medical problem.

I think it shows a lack of understanding of what children are capable of. At the age of 6, a child is perfectly capable of understanding it is rude to ask for food.

The child has a medical reason for her hunger. If anything, it’s a good thing that she feels comfortable articulating her needs when she’s in physical discomfort. I would not want a child under my roof to be suffering in silence for any reason. I want to be the kind of mum that is approachable to small children when they are hungry, in pain, or worried about something. My friends are the same and I’m frankly shocked by how many mean mums there are on this thread!

It's a tricky one. I have had friends children around frequently and I don't mind giving them snacks. One particularly child does eat a lot however and it is expensive.

The other thing to think about is some people don't like snacking before meals. It may be the main doesn't want her son eating before a main meal. It may make it difficult if your daughter is requesting snacks. If she has told her son no snacks before dinner for example that might be why she told him off. It sounds like her son was using your daughter to get the snack (to me). I would have a chat with the mum and also send snacks.

Actually, at the age of six their frontal lobe is still developing, the area of the brain which is responsible for impulse control. It would not be uncommon for a child of this age to display a lack of impulse control particulary when driven by a basic biological need such as hunger. Social etiquette is also still developing at that age. A little compassion and understanding goes a long way. She is six for god sake. All these grown women calling a six year old rude, greedy, annoying etc.is what's embarrassing

So you would actually punish a child for being 'rude' for asking for something to eat at someone's house?

If a friend came to your house and said oo do you have a biscuit I could have please? I've been on this medication and it's making me really hungry but I didn't bring anything with me, would you honestly think they're rude?

We expect children to have the same manners as adults but then expect them to actually act 'better' than adults.

Of course it's our job to teach them what is and isn't acceptable, the OP has already said she's told her to not ask for food so she has corrected her.

I do think the mum needs to explain the situation so she understands, I'm not sure why she hasn't already.

I agree with this so much!!!

The child is rude for asking for something to eat. But all these women name-calling a 6 year old? What are they then?

It isn't name calling to say that it's rude to constantly ask for snacks. It simply is rude and at six the child is old enough to understand that you can't just ask for things. She can pop home, it's literally over the road.

I agree. Six year olds know not to ask their teacher for crisps and popcorn.

She needs very little impulse control to walk two doors away and ask her mum for food. And if she does not have that degree of impulse control, then she would not be able to manage in a classroom

The impulsivity is something I thought about and wondered if she has ADHD and is on medication which is making her hungry.
This would potentially explain how she might come across rude asking for snacks (we don't know how frequently she has asked, we are only going on the child and then also saying they were polite about it) and why the mum sends them outside to play.

The OP has not replied when I asked this.

I'm not going to argue or debate this with you. You are entitled to judge and criticise a six year old you have never met, just as I am allowed to empathise and offer a non judgemental view.

@Allihavetodoisdream Not everyone posting here is from the UK. I grew up in 2 different countries, now living in a 3rd country. In all 3 countries it would be considered impolite for children to visit someone else's house and ask for food, particularly if they had already been offered food. So the UK isnt the only country that views this as impolite. The OP lives 2 doors away, her dd can return home for suitable food, rather than asking for treats that won't in any way help her medical problem.

At 6 no-one should expect perfect manners from her at all times, she's going to forget at times, but she is old enough for her parents to teach her what is polite and impolite.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

"We are fairly MC so honestly I'd find snack requests a nonevent and her reaction a bit odd."

I find your reply a bit odd!
What does your perceived social status have to do with giving kids snacks?

My daughter had a friend like this. She was a bloody nuisance-constantly can I have can I have can I have. I don’t doubt her mum fed her, I think it was a case of using having snacks her mum doesn’t buy and she just fancied them. Most of the time she was asking for things I’d specifically bought for packed lunched, I didn’t have time to shop again and replace them!
she was really cheeky and I was glad when they drifted apart and she stopped coming to be honest.
At six you need to tell your daughter it’s cheeky and rude to keep asking, and to come home if she’s hungry.

#LivingLaVidaBabyShower

"We are fairly MC so honestly I'd find snack requests a nonevent and her reaction a bit odd."
Hahaha what an earth has your class status got to do with it.
WC people are renowned for feeding half the street, we always offer a snack here, it is not a shop, toast and strawberries is plenty, DC who pester for snacks from all classes haven't been taught manners by their parents, unless genuinely hungry of course.

Agree. OP has been asked numerous times how her DD manages throughout the school day.

For some kids, once they know someone has particular snacks available, they will ask. Particularly if they are snacks that are not readily available at home. OP said she doesn’t keep crisps at home but the neighbour does. DD is specifically asking for crisps. See also; sees an older child (age not given) eating popcorn, asks if she can now have popcorn. This makes me feel it’s less about “communicating the basic need of hunger” as if it was a general hunger she might just say “I’m hungry” or go home for something to eat, like OP has repeatedly told her to do if she feels hungry.

I do think some distance should be put int his situation. You’re neighbours. Not a great idea being in each others pockets like this. It also sounds like the neighbour has multiple children, and could very well be struggling as it is.

Despite the many posts on this thread explaining why the other mum might not like your child asking for snacks, you don't seem to have taken that in at all. Instead, you continue to criticise her.

The boy neighbours mum has two other children, both grown up and not living at home, but they visit and look after the boy/do lots of jobs around the house. She also has her parents over a lot, taking rubbish to the bins etc and looking after the boy. I see she has a lot of help at home and I honestly dont see how Dd coming over and playing in the garden can be stressing her out. Maybe it is though, so we will cut back further on her going there, I prefer it when he is at ours anyway

You seem to be suggesting that the other mum is lazy or relying on her older children and her parents too much, in your view? I don't think that has anything to do with the situation and it seems very odd and mean-spirited for you to draw these conclusions. No matter what you think of this woman's family arrangements, when your DD is at her house, she is responsible for her. It doesn't matter if they are in the garden or the living room or whatever. And your DD obviously does go in their house quite a bit, if she is being fed toast and strawberries, as well as having the opportunity to ask for other snacks.

With regards to Dd asking for food, I do feel embarrassed and have spoken to her, she was a bit upset about it. I do think the mum acting in a strange way tbh and she needs to relax.

Again, why the unnecessary judgement of the mother? She is "acting in a strange way" and "needs to relax"? Why not just accept that your DD was being (unintentionally) rude and that it is up to you to resolve the situation? Have you actually spoken to the woman yet?

I was six and at a friends house. Her grandparents arrived and we had to sit with them. They gave her a packet of fruit pastels and she sat there and ate the lot and didn’t offer me one. It was 1969 - not that I’m carrying a grudge or anything 😂

Ha! @Welshgorse

Off with yourself to the nearest shop for a big bag of Fruit Pastilles.

You think the grandparents would have told her to share :/

But she isn't asking for 'food because I'm hungry' she's asking for 'crisps because I know you have them here and I don't get them at home' and popcorn 'because that adult over there has some and I want it'

I can't imagine any normal person begrudging a hungry child food if they had it - but this isn't that. This is a child who isn't offered junky type snacks at home asking for them at someone else's house because she knows they're there. That's a very different thing. And I'm the mum with a fully open junky snacks drawer in my house and I still think it's a bit off.

I'm still confused as to how the OP thinks crisps and popcorn are bad for her daughter in her own house but totally fine when begged from a neighbour. The hypocrisy is really confusing.

Why would it be the case?