Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

Hi Op - I think some people can't imagine this scenario as it's no longer so common for kids to play outside/ in their own neighbourhood.

But - I undersrtand it, there is a mutal agreement that children can safely knock on a couple of known houses and you are watching as they do so etc

In this context - as someone who is a massive fan of children playing in their own neighbourhood! I'd like to give my perspective. I absolutely lvoe kids coming to play in my house - !

I would find a child who wasn't mine coming and asking for crisps specifically a bit grating - I generally think children who are coming in and out of each others houses with such ease could learn not to ask for food ? If its not a meal time?

I think the fact the little boy told your child his mum wouldn't like being asked - and she ignored that is a moment to teach her a lesson - but it's natural she is only six! she still needs to be taught social ettiquette etc.

don't feel bad -

I also don't think this is a huge deal and wonder if you are overthinkinking it?

Isn't this just a chance to get to know your neighbour a bit better - take over some biscuits or somethign as a friendly hello and say gosh sorry for my daughter she is hungrier than usual and sorry if she is rude, we are trying to teach her etc

and then it just smooths things over/ Your daughter may have over reacted to being told no? Or the mum may have been in a bit of a mood that day? I know i've snapped at the odd kid in my house!

You have said a few times that it's because she's ill that you are allowing this.

You need to be very careful with this, especially if this is a chronic illness - something short term it's not such an issue.

Children need consistency in rules. Allowing something 'because she's ill' over a long period of time can be an unhealthy pattern to develop.

Whilst hunger is increased in steroids, this needs to be managed rather than 'fed into to (pun intended) - you will still need to distract her, put limits in place and control what she is eating.

In terms of your neighbour I think it's clear she is irritated by the asking. It might be good to slow down the constant playdates for a while and I would not be happy if someone sent snack food to my house to create mess and conflict.

Wow some of these responses are so horrible and nasty.

She's a little hungry girl, thats all. I never had a problem with kids asking for snacks or more snacks.

Maybe she just asked at the wrong time and the mum was frazzled.

Just explain to the mum, she'll understand and probably will feel bad for denying a snack!!

If I was the other Mum I would be more upset if a guest in my home didn’t feel comfortable to ask for food or drinks. If I didn’t want or have popcorn I would say I don’t have popcorn but I have x. But we have the luxury of a good food budget. I think your best plan is just speaking to the other Mum so you can get a system in place that works for both families.

I'd just invite the friend over more often so they can play without risk of being told off for asking for snacks.

I haven't read the full thread but...

I would send DD with a snack to share for the whole household- a cake, packet of biscuits, punnet of strawberries or grapes, box of breadsticks etc.

We are past the age of playdates now, but when we had them I always did this. Similarly if I am invited to someone's house, I always take something like this.

As adults and especially women we are told and encouraged to speak up and ask for what we want, so why should a child be any different?

She was hungry, asked politely, and it was up to the mum whether she gave a snack. How hard is it, as a mum to just say "not now"

Unfortunately with nearly a third of children overweight this is not helpful. I'm not suggesting one snack at a neighbours will cause obesity, but constant snacking and diets high in UPF are significant contributory factors and I wouldn't want someone else feeding my 6 year old junk food.

Maybe this is why 6 year olds shouldn’t be sent to neighbours houses for unsupervised uninvited play dates?

Sounds like the mum is sick of your child pestering not only her, but her son and now her daughter too for snacks! It sounds like they have nicer snacks than you and she’s become obsessed with getting them over there. You need to do some damage control with the mum asap, go and speak to her, apologise and ask her how she wants to manage the play dates going forward.

Bad enough that the neighbour's child is turning up uninvited and staying for 3+ hours at the weekend, now she's going to come armed with bags of sweets and packets of ham 😂

How does she cope at school if eating every 2hrs or so and fruit would be the snack at 10am at our school

does she ask teachers constantly for food or has it got into a habit at home ?

are you sure dd is hungry @Idliketobeamillionaire and not just using the medication as an excuse

eating a protein meal plus some carbs - she shouldn’t need toast and fruit straight after and then again snacks of crisps and popcorn

if you only offered fruit or plain toast would she eat it and ask again for the same

sounds like other mum has nice snacks which you don’t buy

is the medication for a long time ?

I would limit all play dates to a couple of hours and book a doctors appointment to see why DD is hungry after one hour of eating. Maybe different medication can be prescribed.

YABU.

What is the medication?

Ahaha. My DC's friends are always asking for snacks when they are at ours. I know the mums and I think we're all pretty liberal with snacks so it's not like they're going from a super healthy household to a sweet shop and going crazy, but I can see why the snacks at your mate's house would be better because they're different. 😃I always give them little snacks here and there, I usually do some treats but then move on to just a big plate of fruit and they bloody love it. One in particular always asks for mango because he knows this is the house that has mango. 😆

I sometimes get a bit weary of the pestering for snacks, so often after a bit I just loudly announce that the kitchen is currently closed. They're usually ok with it.

Having said all this, I think I would be a little bit embarrassed if my DC were always pestering other parents for snacks if they were visiting. But I do always send a little box of snacks (healthy and unhealthy) for them because we deal with low blood sugar issues a lot, so the DC do need to eat quite often or they will feel sick. So they get what they are given, if they are given anything, but if all else fails, there is always the snack box.

I would just have them both at yours for a bit? She sounds not very nice to be shouting at a six year old for asking for snacks?! Surely a no not now is fine.

Go talk to the mum. Explain the medication thing. Tell her that your daughter knows she shouldn't be asking these meds are new and you're still figuring out the whole constant need for snaking. Tell her that saying no is totally fine, but this way she can change her tone from annoyed to cheerier "not this time, sweetie". And maybe suggest that she should come home in between or spend less time at once there so she won't be asking for snacks.

It sounds like she's finding it a bit annoying having DD constantly ask for snacks.

It's lovely that you are happy to get snacks in and provide lunch sometimes but maybe her financial situation or attitude to snacks is different.

I do sometimes offer ice lollies or biscuits to the neighbour kids, but I would find it a bit annoying if they were always asking. We don't really keep many snacks in our house anyway, and if I'm giving them out to other kids I'd then have to give one to DD who won't eat her dinner if she's eaten snacks.

I'd prefer someone to have a chat with me, explain that their child was on medication that makes them constantly hungry and ask me to offer fruit if the child asks for snacks (and preferably offer to give some fruit towards it if it's often and constant), than for someone to send a child with a bag full of snacks. My kids only eat sat at the table in the kitchen and if someone sent a child with a bag of snacks that got eaten in a bedroom (with the resulting mess that's natural for 6yr olds) and shared with my kids so that they then didn't eat their dinner they'd be less welcome in future...

Thanks for all the feedback

Just to clarify a few things as a lot of posters have made a few assumptions.

Dd isn’t at their house for hours, he is often
at ours for ours, mum even falls asleep
them comes four hours later. Dd either calls over the fence to him asking it he wants to come to our house or he will come running to the gate on other days asking if he can come and play.
After he has been at our house for ages, he will sometimes ask if she wants to go to his, this is much less often than when he comes to our house and is always for less time.
They often play outside the whole time when at his house and Dd tells me they don’t play with/sit on the sofa etc as his mum doesn’t like moving the cushions and so on.
They have full run of our house and often have toys everywhere, yes it’s messy and annoys me, but I let it go and let them enjoy themselves.
Dd also has a friend at the back of the house, they often go to each others houses and this mum seems to offer to come to theirs more, there she builds dens, does dance shows etc and gives treats. Dd likes this girl but happens to get on with our boy neighbour more.
The boy neighbours mum has two other children, both grown up and not living at home, but they visit and look after the boy/do lots of jobs around the house. She also has her parents over a lot, taking rubbish to the bins etc and looking after the boy. I see she has a lot of help at home and I honestly dont see how Dd coming over and playing in the garden can be stressing her out. Maybe it is though, so we will cut back further on her going there, I prefer it when he is at ours anyway
Regarding food and one poster saying I’m giving my dd white bread, I never even said that 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 and don’t. She had chicken & veg pasta for lunch. Dh and I were have tuna salad sandwiches and she asked me for some of mine after finishing her pasta, her appetite has gone crazy, she eats a healthy diet with plenty of protein

With regards to Dd asking for food, I do feel embarrassed and have spoken to her, she was a bit upset about it. I do think the mum acting in a strange way tbh and she needs to relax

*Hours

"With regards to Dd asking for food, I do feel embarrassed and have spoken to her, she was a bit upset about it. I do think the mum acting in a strange way tbh and she needs to relax"

You cannot have an opinion about the way the mother parents in her own home. Take it or leave it.

I honestly think your neighbour is perfectly rational to be irritated with being asked for snacks regularly, it’s totally on you to explain the medication situation and have a chat with her about how to best deal with it.

You clearly wanted everyone to agree with you, and they don’t.

Your update actually mostly answers your question anyway, although you don’t seem to see that. The other mum is much less laid back than you appear to be, about all areas. Therefore is it any surprise she doesn’t hand out snacks on demand?

We are all different. Anyone is welcome at our house, they have a blast and we definitely allow too much bad food on social occasions. One of my best friends is very, very uptight about what her daughter eats (think one single treat per day even when on holiday). I find it really strange but just accept we are all different. She would probably need smelling salts if a child wanted crisps after already having toast and strawberries and in between meal times. But how she feeds her child (and other children in her house) is absolutely none of my business - and in fairness to her she doesn’t police me being more lax when her daughter comes over here either! We respect the different rules in different homes.

As another poster commented, a medication that increases appetite should not be ‘managed’ by feeding her endlessly, FYI. Especially not crisps and popcorn. If anything, this would make me more pleased that the other mum said no to the request for crisps!

You seem to be basing all this drama on the words of a 6 year old. You weren't there to hear what the mum said and it all seems alot of fuss about nothing. Just because you choose to get in specific snacks and drinks for them doesn't mean the mum has to I made pizza and salad for the last play date my son had he went to the same child's house a few weeks earlier for a similer period of time and they had 1 small snack. Teach your child that it's impolite and she should wait to be offered or if she's hungry come home especially as you live so close