Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

I think the snack is the tip of the iceberg.

I am guessing the neighbours child is timid, unlike your DD who went ahead asking for snacks, after he said he couldn't ask.

Stop sending your child to play for hours, they are 6, they need some supervisor.

1 hour maximum. If they want to continue playing, he can come back to your home.

Otherwise it will come to a head. I think you questioning the family will cause more hassle than it is worth.

I think it's rude to ask for food in someone else's house - different if it's family. If one of my DC friends had done this of course I would have fed them and not said anything but inwardly would have definitely been thinking how rude.

I wouldn't be happy with a child constantly asking me for snacks to be honest, we buy shopping monthly and we get enough to last the month for ourselves and our children so if I have another child always asking for things we would run out and cant then replace it until we do the next months shop, I wouldn't let my children to ask for snacks at someone else's house apart from family, you'd be better off telling her to come home if she's hungry you don't know the position they are in and might not be able to afford to keep giving her snacks that are meant for their own household

I was the child in this situation at the same age i lived in a gated close with 4 houses, i lived in one corner, friend lived in the other corner. We tended to play on the road in between, but when i was “hungry” id go to friends house - her mum made homemade flapjacks, my house the fruit bowl was on offer.

The mum said to me one day when i’d obviously pushed it too far did i not know the way to my own house - my response as the 6 year old yes i did but my house didn’t have flapjack.

The mums obviously spoke because i remember my mum making it very clear that i wasn’t to go for snacks at friends house again unless invited to do so.

(I did still continue to use friend’s house for the loo though as they had tiled floor and i wasn’t made to remove my roller skates when i went in :))

6 year olds know exactly what they are doing!

I understood that.

I was pushing back on the softening language that maybe the other woman would feel bad. It's making it sound like the OP is feeling bad, maybe the other mom is feeling bad, maybe no-one is at fault, women just having feelings because we are all so nice.

When I believe that no, many many women who are not walkovers do not feel bad about not accommodating rudeness by 6-year-olds. (I don't actually think given the context that the child is rude, but the host mum can't know that as she doesn't HAVE that context.)

And I believe, though I phrased it more gently in my first reply, that the OP, contrary to the hosting mum, should be feeling bad for her lack of communication, which was rude.

I think 6 is too young to be leaving the house without a parent or career and I think it’s very rude of a child to ask another parent for food. I’d stop sending her round and just host the boy at yours.

i would be annoyed at her keep asking for food

Poor kid, steroids and other drugs do often cause extra hunger. I'd up the protein she has - send her with a box of cooked ham and chicken (fridge raiders protein packets). Protein will help with filling her up quicker.

You cannot send children to other people's houses for casual playdates with their own snacks. When children go to other people's houses they have to meet the expectations of the other family, in terms of hospitality and boundaries and manners. That is a vital life lesson.

Not the point of the thread, but I'm assuming your daughter is on steroids? As a fellow mum of a young child on steroids it's really important you don't let her snack on junk. Her appetite will be absolutely wild, so you probably need to give her lots of healthy snacks so that she can satisfy them - other parents aren't going to do that and they'll just give crisps etc.

In answer to your thread, she's got to stop asking the mum for snacks, I can see how it would get irritating.

Btw I don't mean sending her with snacks, no need for snacks to play at a neighbours house. It's a good distraction from the steroid hunger for a couple of hours

She isn't asking for food as such. She is asking for snacks. Popcorn and crisps. Not surprising the Mum is getting fed up with it. She sounds like she is at the end of her tether. Tell your DD to come home when she is hungry and stop pestering this mum for food.

This is all quite solvable

Have a quick chat with the other parent and apologies if your DD has been pestering for food (the Mums anger would suggest that she has been) . Explain that she’s hungrier than usual due to meds and ask the other Mum to send her home if she asks for food.

Explain to your DD that just because a household has boxes of crisps that doesn’t mean they are spare or available. They might for example be carefully counted for a month of packed lunches for the family.

Teach DD that it is ok to accept a snack if offered but not ok to ask for a specific snack. She should come home if hungry.

Normal rules apply “if you aren’t hungry for an apple you aren’t really hungry”.

And it would be outrageously rude to send her with snacks that weren’t for sharing to someone else’s house.

The mum sounds very weird. When my children's friends are here I'm very happy to give them snacks. It's a non-issue.

Enforcing no snacks between meals on children is pretty bizarre imo! They're more active than adults, and growing too. Some people are just weird.

I’m not so keen on snacks between meals as means dc don’t eat the dinner I made them. I do let them have snacks when friends are over as feels like a treat day. However if people were over lots I’d want to rein it in. Do you think possibly your dc likes to go over for the snacks?

Can you suggest providing snacks, get a little bento box and put snacks in, possibly to share. Isend my kids over with a punnet of cherries or blueberries it doesn’t need to be crisps or sweets.

I think sending her with snacks for herself and not to share is also rude. Maybe mum is trying to limit snacks for her own kid.

Just tell her to come home for snacks. It is a short distance she can pop back again once done.

This. We never had snacks between meals when I was a child and my mother would have been very pissed off if any of my friends had asked for food when visiting.

I would have got a bit fed up if a child’s friend kept asking for snacks.

Though if you explained the situation to the other mum about your daughter’s medical situation I think that would be different.

Generally speaking though, I think you should explain to your daughter that it’s a bit rude to keep asking for snacks at someone else’s house so she understands.

The mum had been feeding them sandwiches and strawberries and then your daughter asked for crisps? That is not on really, and you need to tell her this. My son has a friend who always asks for food, even when he knows the lunch is on its way for them. I do find it annoying tbh. I always feed them well, make lunch, do a nice tray for them etc, yet he still asks. Once I found him in the kitchen going through my cupboards. He is my ds's best friend and apart from this that really does annoy me he is a gorgeous boy. I do say no, and I do it kindly, he would certainly not know that I am annoyed. I'd say something like 'love lunch is ready in 10min so lets not spoil your appetite, do you want a glass of water while we wait for the food type of thing'

Well thank God for such a "nosey" neighbour like yours, wish there were more of them reporting concerns for children who've died by family abuse. ... your nephew could have been a starved child based on what she'd heard, so rightfully she contacted SS to investigate.

The mum probably told her son no more asking for extra snacks, so when he sent your DD to ask she was annoyed at him. Hungry or not, it is bad manners to ask other people for food. Your daughter needs to stop doing that and go home for food if she's hungry. Sending her over with food for just herself would be very rude too. That's how you end up with a thread about you on MN with everyone calling you an entitled CF who needs to teach her child some manners.

Not everyone has an endless supply of snacks and as this is a regular thing you should send your child with snacks or speak to the mother and ask if it's ok your daughter going round their so much and would she mind if you bought a box of snacks to give to her so she can give them occasionally to your daughter and of course her son.

All this snacking isn't really necessary.

I think the mum may actually be cross with you for not raising your child to wait to be asked. Regardless of whether her medication is increasing appetite, she needs to understand - to have been taught - that regardless of what you do at your home, you do not ask for food as a guess at someone else's home. If she is hungry, she has to manage or come home early.

And, yes, I suspect the mum may have issues with the costs of snacks, the nature of the snacks being requested and/or the fact that she may not wish her own son to have snacks before tea. In the past I thought it was polite/generous to offer a child snacks as it was part of my familial culture to do so, only to be told ‘mum doesn’t like me to have snacks before dinner’ - so I eventually learned to check with parents first whether it was okay to offer their child snacks while they were visiting… do they have intolerances, diabetes, allergies? If you don’t know, you shouldn’t be offering anything other than fruit and some water.

I suspect there is more to this - and the starting point is to tell your child in no uncertain terms that she is NOT to ask for food if she goes to play there, to maybe ask him to yours next time - and to check when you do so that she is happy for you to give him snacks first.

This really does seem to be a lot of drama over nothing - speak to the mum and explain DD is on medication that makes her overly hungry. Apologise and tell her to just say no or send her home if it become annoying. She's gone 2 maybe 3 hours - no one (diabetics aside) needs a snack box in that short space of time!

With medication that changes appetite you need to be really careful what you're feeding her and don't just give in to every request or she'll soon put on weight or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would increase her meals - more protein, more fibre, less white carbs etc and if she really needs to snack, stick with fruit & veg. A 6 year old really doesn't need crisps, sweets, popcorn etc - fine at a party or going to cinema but certainly not so frequently they're thinking of it as a snack.

Honestly OP don't make a drama of this but also, don't pretend your daughter has a healthy diet when she clearly doesn't- implement just some of the changes people are suggesting and move on.