Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

Yea, I'd be annoyed.

I also grew up with multiple kids playing outside and in and out of each others houses constantly. It was hammered into me to NEVER EVER ask for anything (except for water if thirsty) and come home at lunch/dinner times to eat.

Different culture, tbh, we (as a country) generally eat three meals a day and don't snack, unless it's a piece of fruit/berries. So friends' mums didn't offer me snacks and my mum to them - snacking it's just not a thing. You don't need to eat in between if you ate a healthy and sufficient proper meal. And especially not empty crap like crisps.

Same now, we're a non snacking household, eat healthy, avoid UPFs and never have junk like crisps in the house. I could offer some fruit/cheese/peanut butter to the little girl, but wouldn't be impressed if she'd turned around and asked me for crisps afterwards. I wouldn't shout, though.

If a girl is skinny and is constantly asking for snacks, I'd think you're not feeding her enough. You need to talk to her and tell her about the medication, as that does change matters. But how is the mum supposed to know if you don't tell her.

Your daughter is lovely I’m sure and she’s not purposefully being rude or annoying but I can see the other mother point of view. Maybe she’s not as keen on the current arrangement of play dates, maybe she doesn’t want her son snacking, maybe she is on a tight budget, there could be a million reasons why she might have lost her temper with her son for asking for snacks.

I really think toast and strawberries after lunch should keep her going until dinner time, I don’t think your daughter was starving hungry she just wanted junk food because it was there.

I’d speak to the mother, and explain the medication situation if necessary and make it clear you don’t expect her to feed your child but send her home if she is hungry.

That is totally different to the OP situation. It's popping in and out of a neighbours house, not going out to a friend's for the day.

Is it different though? People said OP should send her with snacks, which I agree with, others said don’t send them, that it’s rude.
If the child is always wanting snacks then send her with some 🤷🏻‍♀️

Interesting that it was popcorn and crisps, not toast or a banana.

Not many parents want to give out crisps on demand throughout the afternoon. Or have their kids developing a snack habit or expectation.

Of course you are concerned because she has been ill and is on medication, but I would guess your Dd has spotted a leniency leading straight to crisps in this scenario, and is working it!

Roll back your own snack provision to healthy basic foods, and tell her not to ask for food at other people’s houses.

I’d send her with a snack bag. If she finishes them and is still hungry, she comes home.

Id also explain about the medication and say that’s why you are sending a snack bag (not that you think the other mum doesn’t have food)

Well in this totally different situation, no, that's not rude, it's normal. Its totally different because this sounds like an invite/organised possibly by the parents event. So they made a decision that it's fine on this day for their dc to have junk. The ops dd is popping in univinvited (which everyone is fine with so that's not a slight, just pointing out the difference)

Also she shouldn’t be so specific - either she is hungry and the host decides what to bring, or she goes home. That would get my back up too, if a child was “demanding” a certain type of food, especially a treat one.

Absolutely do not send her with snacks.

This is not about the cost of a bag of crisps or popcorn, because you’ve said yourself he’s at yours more than she’s at theirs, so even if they had a very tight budget and snacks were part of their day (and therefore their budget), essentially they’d be giving your daughter the snacks they’d ‘budgeted’ for their son and he hadn’t eaten while at yours eating your snacks.

It’s clearly about their house rules, routines etc and sending her with snacks totally disrespects that. Nobody is saying she can’t eat, she just needs to come home to eat.

Considering it's a neighbour I don't understand why when your DD asks to go play at friends house you don't say you will go with her just to speak to the mum. I think you are overcomplicating things. Just simply knock on the door and ask if it's ok for DD to come round and play (as others have mentioned maybe mum is fed up of the drop in arrangement) and then say about the medication and hunger.

Is it ADHD medication she is on by any chance? I know a few children get the munchies on that. This might also fit in with her asking (and possibly pestering) for snacks and also mum wanting them to play outside and not in the house (unable to cope with her behaviours she might exhibit).

Maybe the mums fed up at looking after your child so much .
It's odd at 6 you have this arrangement which seems to be all the time.
Do you plan a time to pick her up or just say come home when you feel like it ?
If she is hungry you should feed her . At 6 she obviously needs more supervision.
Or you need to actually communicate better with the other mum. Given you are trusting her with your child so frequently

I wouldn’t want regular next door neighbour / after school playing to involve kids turning up at my house with crisps, popcorn or sweets to share or to eat themselves.

For lots of reasons: healthy eating , keeping an appetite for tea, crumbs everywhere, care of teeth etc

These kids are playing regularly, it isn’t a special occasion.

Some families just don't do snacks between meals other than fruit. My family was one of them, and we knew not to ask. I imagine the other mother is the same way and is finding your DD a bit annoying asking for snacks. It may be that she doesn't want her DS snacking between meals, or may be money issues. Either send snacks with your DD, or tell your daughter to come back home if she's hungry between meals.

Maybe she is struggling financially, maybe she is embarrassed having to say no to your child. Send her with snacks.

I have to admit I feel slightly irritated when my children's friends keep asking for snacks, although, to be honest, it rarely happens.
I'd definitely contact the mum to ket her know about the medication. I'd also tell her I'll be sending snacks.

This. Perhaps she'll need to play at home more.

How is it ok to send a bag of snacks for her to eat if the boy’s mum does not want him to snack between meals (especially on crisps and popcorn) ? Is he supposed to happily sit and watch her munch it all?

And if the answer to that is that he can be made to understand she ‘needs’ these things, then she can also be made to understand to not ask, but come home.

It's really not good manners for children to ask for junk food snacks at other people's houses and to then get upset when they are refused. Parents of other children who bring their own children not to snack on junk are well within the boundaries of their own families but also general good manners to decline to give junk food snacks to visiting children.

I think it’s lovely that your DD has a good friend so close by, especially as she is an only child.
It’s also really nice of you to have him over, feed him and allow them to have fun running about, making noise and building dens.
What wonderful memories you are creating

When my son was this age, the only snacks I would offer between meals would be fruit.
He did eat crisps and chocolate as a treat and would usually have a dessert after dinner.

If he had a friend round I would offer more food and perhaps make up a little snack tray but I would get a bit irritated if they were asking for more on top of that especially as I would not want my son snacking so much.

She had fed them toast and strawberries so sounds like she was just telling her son off ( for the benefit of your daughter) for asking for more food on top of that.

I would ask the mum “Has DD been asking for snacks a lot at your house?
She is constantly hungry at the moment due to the medication she is on and is always asking for food.
I suddenly thought ‘I hope she isn’t doing this at your house, I would be so embarrassed.’”

And the next time you send her over, hand the mum a few healthy snacks for her.

It isn’t a big deal, my son is a grazer and eats little and often and would have felt no shame in asking for snacks at someone else’s house at that age, much to my embarrassment.

She will be overweight if she keeps this up. She doesn't need popcorn and crisps whilst put playing. It's very rude to ask for food.

When Dd was younger we often had a child over who would graze their way through a weeks worth of DDs snacks in an hour.

I can understand why it's annoying for the mum to be asked for specific junk.

I would consider it rude if a child kept asking for food. It’s a good idea to explain to the mum about the meds and the reason why you are sending her with snacks

the little boy also goes to the OP’s house for hours. He is fed there. Does his mum ask how much her child has eaten or can explain why she is ditching her son at someone else’s house for 6 hours? Op, honestly, I would just limit the time your daughter spends at the friends house. I probably would stop sending here there. Even if your daughter was constantly asking for food etc, I wouldn’t imagine shouting or getting cross at a child like that. The mum could have come and spoken to you.

"However, neither of you need to feel this way." Mine was such a short post and yet still you were unable to absorb all of it. 🙄

I’d pop a snack in DD’s bag/pocket when she goes round and send the mum a test along the lines of “DD is on some medication which makes her especially hungry. I’ve popped a snack in her bag so do remind her of this if she asks for food whilst she’s there”