Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

the endless snacking on junk. It’s not good for anyone. I discourage it. We do a snack after school and that’s it. Otherwise they don’t eat dinner! I have a fair few kids in my house and I offer one healthy snack and that’s it.if they ask for more I offer cheese or fruit and funnily enough, they aren’t hungry any more. Junk food is addictive. Your child needs to eat enough at dinner!

Talk to your neighbour about your DD’s want for food constantly, context is everything. However, I wouldn’t send her with snacks, I think your DD’s constant want for junk food is impacting your neighbours parenting of her own child. Constant snacking is a bad habit and I’m guessing the mother is fed up of the pestering.

Talk to your neighbour.

Don't send her with snacks. The other mam may not want their child eating snacks between meals.

If your child is hungry they have to come home.

Encourage the kids to stay at your house more as the mam sounds at the end of her tether.

Also definitely speak to the mam. You need her to know that your child has come home and said she's been shouted at. Be nice. Explain to her you've said she's been told she needs to come back for food so everyone is on the same page. Check that your child is welcome. Check if there are no go times or days.

Kids should be able to go for a few hours without snacks. Is the medication making her thirsty not hungry? Snacks if any should be fruit. No crap.

Sorry if you've answered upthread but what did the mum say when you spoke directly? If your DD is hungry because of medication and very focused on food she's probably been eating a lot there, and there's going to be a point when the mum says stop, no more. I feel like it'd be a normal reaction at some point. But you'd need a one on one chat about it surely.

I totally get this my nephew has congenital heart disease and other health issues he's constantly hungry I live next door and he will literally ask me for a snack even though he's just had food etc obviously have to say no or he would just eat and eat also some nosey neighbour contacted SS stating child shouting I'm hungry im hungry and heard him being told no you're not having anything hope they were red faced as they came did a house visit and cupboards fridge etc all had food in and SS even apologised but stated they had to follow up which I also understand just a shame neighbour couldn't ask if everything was okay as I have 3 nephews and only one constantly shouting I want a snack 🤣

Meh. I unapologetically run my own house by my own rules. All neighborhood kids, from the ages of 2 to 10, run in and out of my house. Whoever is there at lunch gets fed. Whoever is there when there is cake out, gets cake. Impromptu sleepovers pretty much always allowed, I sometimes feel I spend my weekends providing fresh new bedding.

But I don't tell other parents what to do with my kids in their house. A kid that is nasty, dangerous or disrespectful in my house gets sent home for that afternoon. A kid that is there when I set up lunch gets given forks and asked to set the table, whether they are two or eight. We are sharing a meal and we are sharing setting up.

I am not a snack making machine.

It's the boundaries that make the circus a delight and not a pandemonium.

I think OP has already decided that she is NBU, but I think she is largely for not communicating with the other adults. I had a friend who constantly asked for snacks, including specific foods, which we never had. It put me in an awkward position as I was constantly being asked "ask your mum if we can have" "ask your mum if we can have" when I already knew we didn't have it and we mostly ate what we were given when we were given it. I'm sure this is some kind of parentingsin on Mumsnet and should have made us all obese or anorexic (it did not), but in the real world, not everyone has endless money for snacks and not everyone grew up on UK food culture. Its not really the 6 year old's fault, though I do think 6 is old enough that once you've been told not to ask and given an alternative (come home) that should be respected, but OP should have had this conversation with the parents well before now.

As it sounds like you know the Mum, just have a friendly word with her and let her know about your DD’s medication making her very hungry and suggest that she sends your DD home for a quick snack when she says she’s hungry or offer to send snacks with your DD when she goes round. The boy’s mum might not want that though if she doesn’t want her son snacking too.

As an aside, popcorn and crisps are not healthy snacks, and that kind of snacking is a very hard habit to break. Can you not send your DD with a lunchbox containing a sandwich, some fruit, etc? That would be much healthier, as the constant asking for sweet and salty snacks sounds like a bad habit rather than genuine hunger.

I think you need to tell her to come home if she’s hungry.
Even if it’s healthy snacks, it’s not fair for you DD to be eating if her friend isn’t allowed.
Alternatively speak to the mum to explain the situation and she what she wants to happen. I have told my DC no & why in front of a friend when I’ve wanted the friend to understand that something isn’t allowed as I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling the friend this directly. My DC know this.
At that age I didn’t allow snacks eg if it was close to meal times or multiple times between meals.

To be honest, i’d find it annoying if a neighbour’s child was asking for snacks. Even via the friend, he has clearly been told not to ask. I think sending a snack box for your DD is rude. I’d message the mum and tell her your DD is on meds that make her hungry so you’ve told her to come home if she needs a snack, and tell the mum to send her on her way it she asks. As others have said, they might not want the kids asking for snacks between meals, the boxes of crisps could be for school. It can get expensive feeding other kids all the time. If she’s had a decent lunch then she doesn’t need a snack, but if she is genuinely hungry tell her to come home. I’d try filing her with more protein during her meals which should help a bit.

You don’t want her becoming a pain for the neighbours, as it sounds like she is. The mum may be willing to offer a snack or say its fine to take some snacks once you explain, but sending her with her own snacks without messaging or speaking to the mum is also rude. Sounds like they prefer them to be outside as they don’t want her in the house for hours.

I’m a bit in the middle. I’ve taught mine to wait to be offered at someone else’s house. I offer an after school snack and dinner to a friend playing here after school. However, I wouldn’t mind a child asking me for a snack, especially if they were here regularly/for a long time. I’d see it as they felt comfortable enough around me to ask. I would however have some say in which food. For example, we often buy a bag of popcorn to eat especially as a family with our favourite TV programme, so would say no to that if asked, but offer alternatives. I also would say no and have said no if my son and friend ask right before dinner when they’ve already had a snack, as too many snacks spoils their appetite for dinner, and that would undermine my rules with my own children. I do a cheery ‘ooh it won’t be long until your dinner is ready, have another x mins to enjoy playing instead!’ Sorry to hear your child is feeling hungrier due to medication, in that case I’d support you with offering extra food, or if I couldn’t afford to your idea of sending snacks is great and would be welcome.

Defo tell the parent your child on meds my nephew only really goes to family houses due to health but definitely would inform of meds and maybe then parent can say maybe time to go home for snacks we have to say No to nephew as he would literally eat until sick so he gets a lunch box of snacks which has to last throughout the day and yes it has healthy stuff in

Regarding a snack box - you could make up a box with a hard boiled egg, some pieces of cheese, a banana, some oatcakes and then [get ready for this bit, it's kinda radical] walk your 6 year old over to the house yourself and give the snack box to the mum to dole out from if your DD asks for food 🤯

It's rude to ask for food when you are at someone else's house, she also shouldn't be getting her friend to ask. You need to teach your dd to come home when she's hungry.
Also children (like adults) eat for many reasons not just hunger. - greed, cravings, boredom. Small meals and snacks is fine but she still shouldn't be having more than a couple of snacks a day. How goes she manage at school? You need to say no sometimes otherwise she will not learn to wait for food or that being a bit hungry is ok.
Not all parents do snacks, some kids have 3 meals and nothing in between so it may be this boy doesn't ask for/expect food usually and his mother doesn't want this habit to develop.

Yanno OP, all this could have been avoided if you had actually spoken to the kids mother. It's weird that you havent.

On a slightly different, light-hearted note, this has reminded me of when I helped myself to a packet of crisps at my best friend’s house. Her Dad was cross as he had the correct number for packed lunches. I did it as I felt so at home in their house, and understood why he was annoyed.

Fast forward almost 30 years, and we are still best friends, and I still consider her and her family like extended family. We grew up together, making mistakes along the way, and both her and her lovely Dad still laugh about it with me! 😂

I wouldn’t mind if a child asked for food or snacks at my house. If it was something I didn’t have or didn’t want to give at that time (crisps or chocolate) I’d offer fruit or toast instead.

I wouldn’t send dd to this house again. She’s already said she doesn’t want to go. Whether the reason for this woman’s behaviour is that she can’t afford the snacks or she’s just weird, the best solution is not to go. Her son can come to yours if you don’t mind.

If she asks why dd stopped going and you don’t want to be blunt, you can say that she’s on medication and you want to supervise her. But I bet she won’t ask, it sounds like she’s irritated by your dd being at her house.

I think as an adult, she should be able to say to a small child ‘sorry sweetie, we’ve all only just had lunch and there’s no snacks here now, you can have one later/it will be tea at your house soon/I can take you back home- or insert whatever works. I don’t get why that would stress her out, if it does she probably shouldn’t host other kids playing at her house. Your DD is little and learning and will need reminding by you too about how to behave- which it sounds like you are doing. I’d probably say to the mum ‘sorry if DD has been hounding you for snacks! What do you reckon we should do- I can send her with something that she could share with your DS or I could tell her she just needs to come home if she’s hungry?

This 100%

This has been a very frustrating thread OP because it’s been quite clear what you need to do and has been from the start.

Speak openly and honestly with the Mum.

So you don’t have crisps at home but your DD is asking for them at the friend’s house. If you don’t allow crisps why should friend’s mum give them?

@Idliketobeamillionaire

Just talk to the other mother- it's simple! Clear the air, explain about the medication hunger & send your daughter with snacks or shorter periods of time so she comes home to eat.

I'd be annoyed at constantly having to feed another child - especially if I didn't have enough of the relevant food or I didn't want my kids to snack at that time, etc etc.

The asking does come across as rude - even though it's out of hunger - the other mum doesn't know that. I don't understand why you wouldn't have explained before now.

Sounds like the boy's mum is starting to get fed up with your DD being in their house so often. I'd not be impressed at having someone else's child in my house so often and for hours on end. We do organise play dates where my children's friends come over for a couple of hours at an arranged time, but I'd be annoyed if a child just turned up with no prior arrangement made with the parents. And expecting me to feed them! Both yourself and the child are coming across as pretty rude and it sounds like the mum has had enough!

If she's genuinely hungry then rice cakes, popcorn and crisps aren't going to fill her up. She wanted the popcorn not because she was hungry but because she fancied it. Possibly her big appetite and recent illness has led you to give her food any time she fancies it which is fine at home but she does need to learn you can't ask for something in someone else's house just because you fancy it. Maybe the other mum had bought the popcorn for a specific occasion - family movie night for example. I would get irritated after a while if a guest child was constantly asking for snacks. I'd offer something boring like a banana and if they were hungry they would eat it but it would get on my nerves after a while.

Wow, when my daughter goes to a friends house for the day I always send her with a bag of sweets and snacks for them to share. I had no idea people consider this rude.