Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

OP I'd seriously think about sending her over there so much. It seems like she's worn out her welcome. She obviously can't stop asking the woman for food, the woman keeps getting angry. Don't put your dd in this situation.

<brakes squeal>

Pasta with soy sauce and nothing else? What the

I think your approach to this is very cheeky.

In my house kids eat meals, and little in between. Certainly not freely or at their own initiative.

If a neighbour kid asks a few times (they do), I give them some. If they would badger me repeatedly, I would be pretty annoyed and sharp-ish with them if they are six and know my house rules.

If I was then enforcing my house rules more strictly and the mother would send over snacks with her child to more actively undermine my rules, I would be extremely unimpressed with that parent.

If they only then told me it was for medical reasons, I wouldn't feel much happier about that parent. You know there's a medical reason your child is disrupting my household and you are not even telling me? I would have accommodated your child had I known!

Stop making excuses on your side. Your child is rude. For good reasons, but they don't count if the mother doesn't have them. You are more rude. You are also clearly NOT communicating well with the mother.

I wouldnt be saying this. What's the mum supposed to reply "oh of course we are okay having her"??
Highly unlikely she will feel comfortable saying "yes I'm sick of her coming over uninvited constantly, staying for HOURS, being fed and STILL asking for snacks".
Medical issue is just a red herring. You can easily tell your daughter to make her way home once hungry, she shouldn't be staying that many hours any way.
And just because you're happy to buy lots of snacks (with only one child to feed at home), doesn't mean other people can afford or want to.

I'd let her go but give her a meal before she goes and get her to take a snack box with some carrot sticks, hummus, a few grapes and an oat bar or a banana. Pack the same for her friend. Your DD seems to be asking for junk food rather than healthy food. She might be slim but bad habits form very quickly.

Why did you start this thread, OP? You don’t seem to be particularly willing to take on what’s being said.

If your daughter is mature enough to spend hours round someone else’s house without you, she’s mature enough to be able to adhere to some simple rules:

1. Stop asking for food
2. Come home if you’re hungry

I always had neighborhood kids over when my kids were little and a six-year-old asking for snacks seems very minor to me, regardless of if there's a medical reason for it or not. My feeling is that the adult in charge at the time should be able to easily handle that, without anyone ending up in tears!

She could just give your daughter a snack. Or she could tell your daughter that she needs to go home and get a snack if she's hungry. Etcetera.

I wouldn't say anything about the snacks to the other mother because I wouldn't want her to know I was hearing about what went on over there. Hopefully this was just a one time thing. And the other mother may have been upset with one of her kids and not yours anyway. It's hard to know exactly what went on when you're hearing it from a young child.

But if this yelling until someone cries over minor things shows itself to be a common occurrence, then maybe it would be time for the kids to play together at your house only. It sounds like you have good communication with your daughter, so I'd just keep watch for now. And of course if it gets too ugly there, your daughter might not want to go there anymore anyway. Good luck with it.

I really can't see why the other mum would (or ought to be!) embarrassed when she didn't realise something she wasn't told .

I would honestly be more annoyed that the mother of the hungry child has withheld information relevant for both the child and my household.

I agree the OP should not be embarrassed about her daughter's behaviour! She is really hungry and six. But maybe a little awareness about how casually she - the hungry child's mother - treats the neighbour mum wouldn't go amiss...

Personally I would be irritated. She is not saying she is hungry, she is asking for specific food like crisps and popcorn after being given a sandwich, toast and fruit. She is asking for junk food. It is difficult to give a visiting child junk food and limit it for your own children. And I would not have crisps or popcorn in the house anyway.

Snacking aside I think some boundaries need to be put in place as spending a good chunk of the weekend at each other homes seems absurd. I think these least these long drawn out ad hoc play dates at the weekend have worn the other mother down, and maybe the snacking has broken the camel's back. Going forward pre-organised play dates, and if your DD gets hungry then the mother needs to send your DD home.

My DD 'played out' with the neigbourhood kids (knock on the door, not pre-arranged) but this was generally after school for an hour or so and in the summer holidays, and she was home for meal times. Aside from the odd sleepover weekends was generally family time and DD often had hobbies as well.

You don’t see how crazy this is? how am I to know Your child is SIX! She’s spending hours at the house of someone you don’t know with no idea what’s going on when she’s there. Snacks are not the issue here ffs

Yes, I'd say she is annoyed.
DS has a lot of friends in the house, especially in winter.
I offer a drink and small snack. There is one little boy who will beeline for the kitchen and ask for snacks, and extra snacks.
It is annoying and a bit greedy, he lives 5 doors away, he is 7.

I'm wondering if your DD is a bit 'much' for this other mum generally and the pestering for snacks is the final straw? The way she dealt with it sounds a bit odd but the fact that she makes them stay out in the garden when your DD plays at theirs makes me wonder if she finds your child a bit difficult to manage or if her son's behaviour is worse when he's with your kid? My 5yo is very easily influenced by other children's behaviour and the dynamic with certain friends gets very boisterous very quickly. So maybe it's not really about the food, but about their dynamic generally? I agree with telling her to come home for snacks and checking with the other parent that it's convenient before letting her go over again, and picking up after 2hrs max.

Maybe the Mum doesn't want to have this arrangement all of the time and things are going unsaid. The Mum may be tired or trying to stop such frequent snacks for her child. Does the Mum have other children to care for too? Just check those things out with the Mum as she may get irritated by frequency or expectation of visits and the snacks issue may be the tip of the iceberg.

nobody said that she made the daughter cry.

It’s constantly and only the good stuff cause her mom doesn’t buy that stuff

You sound delightful..

Do you see the bigger picture, you have one child, she has two you've mentioned, an older child, you burnout with parenting.

Don't leave her there 3 hours, just because you are happy for them to play at yours 3 hours, she isn't. You like to offer food platters she doesn't.

Don't mention it to her, just change things.

Playmate days are not reciprocated. I've had 100's over the years and probably 20 returns, my youngest is 10.

I'm grateful to be at the end of them.

Well, in my 18 years of parenting and memories from being a child, the kids who outright asked parents for snacks were the rude ones. Kids who asked parents for snacks after their friend had said not to were the worst. She isn't the polite kid you think she is. Is she your only child? Endless snacks with just one is feasible, but multiply it and it gets out of hand fast.

How long is DD meant to be on the medication and could you speak to her doctor about managing this side effect - different dose etc?

As for the parent I would just ring her and explain what you have here. And reiterate the snack rules to DD.

It sounds like DD is a nice girl and didn't mean any harm and there are a few basic things you could do to solve the problem, no need for a big drama.

You say why on this. Are you providing the same snacks at the same amount of money or is daughter only going there bc they have better cookies than you.

Does the neighbour kid ask you for snacks? The social rule is to offer, but not to ask.

There's nothing "weird" about the other mum's behaviour, as you've suggested @Idliketobeamillionaire . It's annoying to have a visiting child asking for treats when you've already given them snacks. I'm sure the mum has valid reasons for saying no further snacks. It's not like she hasn't fed her at all.

I think the mum might feel annoyed if you send food over to her house. It's not fair on her boy, is it, to watch your dd eating in front of him and he's not allowed? If your dd really can't go very long without food then she should pop back to your house for a healthy snack since she's only 2 doors away. She can then return to her friend's house, if allowed by the other mum, to continue playing. Your dd shouldn't be asking for food at other people's houses and I suspect she's only asking in order to get junk food.

Why are you ignoring so many helpful posts? Posters have recognised there might be another issue here, causing your dd's hunger, but you're not responding. The medication might not be the only reason that she's so hungry.

Not drinking enough fluids can cause feelings of hunger as can eating a diet that's mainly carbs. Based on what you've written, she is eating a lot of white carbs, fruit and treats. She had pasta for lunch, followed by a sandwich. Then toast and strawberries. White bread and pasta? What was served with the pasta, what sandwich fillings? Fruit is healthy but can be high in sugar, depending on type. You haven't mentioned protein or healthy fats at all.

She needs lots of protein and some fat to feel full, otherwise her blood sugar levels will be erratic and she'll feel hungry all the time. She needs to eat protein/fat at the same time she's having fruit, rice cakes, simple carbs, etc, to stop her blood sugar levels spiking, then crashing, leading to hunger.

Unbalanced blood sugar levels can also lead to poor concentration levels and mood swings. How is she managing at school, with such hunger issues? Perhaps change your food choices for her, give her a combination of protein, some fat plus ( ideally complex) carbs at every meal and you might find that she isn't so hungry and can go for longer periods of time without eating. Plus give her lots of (sugar free) fluids.

I feel sorry for your daughter, but….

You said yourself the other child is fussy with food, can you imagine how irritating it is if she needs to provide crisps to your DD, which means her DS wants some, knowing he then won’t eat his meal.

Solution, she goes there for no longer than an hour at a time, but asks for no snacks. Reduced to 45 mins if that’s too long.

Why wouldn't you send enough snacks for both kids?