Is the mum cross at my Dd for asking for food, would you be?

[Idliketobeamillionaire]

Dd, 6, regularly plays with a neighbour friend most weekends, we know and like the family. Their son is often at our house for hours at a time and usually Dd then goes to theirs (for usually a bit less time) We’re very happy to have him as Dd is an only child, he’s a great boy, dd adores him and they have lots of fun. I often get snacks and drinks in for them at weekends and he’s had lunch/dinner occasionally, always happy to offer this if he’s hungry.
Dd often has a snack at theirs, usually a sandwich or toast. She’s on medication at the moment that increases hunger and asks for food a lot. I make sure she’s eaten just before she goes over, but she often comes back and tells me she’s had snacks there, which is fine if ok with the mum (she can be there for three hours on average)
Last week, she said she didn’t want to go to their house (normally begs to) and said it was because she asked for popcorn and the mum said no. I did say to her not to ask for food and wait until it’s offered or if she’s very hungry she can nip back to me (two doors down) I personally wouldn’t mind a child asking me if at my house though.
Today she came home upset and said her friend got shouted at by the mum and he went to his room and cried and she was worried she’d done something wrong. From what I could make of the situation, Dd asked him if she could please have some crisps, he said he’d get in trouble if he asked his mum and told dd to ask her. Dd went to ask the mum and apparently she said no and then called dds friend and told him off.
Does it sound like she is fed up with Dd asking, is Dd rude to ask?
I’m wondering if I should send her with a small bag with snacks in or maybe apologise to the mum and explain about her being on medication?
Feel a bit embarrassed about Dd asking for snacks, would it bother you? I wouldn’t mind, also embarrassed she might think I don’t feed Dd as she’s always hungry 😬

I think people are being seriously harsh here! We had a similar set up to you when my kids were little and two of their very good friends lived two doors down. They didn't see each other as much as your describing but we would do similar things. Very safe cul-de-sac. We'd stand at the door and watch until the child had reached the door. They would knock, if it wasn't a good time then they'd come back. Sometimes we even had one or the other kids shout over the fences if they heard one of the others in the garden 'can we come and play?!' lol. It was super innocent and really old fashioned and lovely. I don't know why people are being weird about it.

On the snacks, as you've said, you only just knew. Fair enough, it's not ideal and needs to be dealt with now you know but no 6 year olds are perfect. And also it sounds like mixed messages from the mum? Lots of snacks, others having snacks, sending daughter back with sweets at other points etc. Are you on decent terms together? If it had been with the situation I described with my kids and their friends, I would have expected one of their parents to say 'just a heads up, DD has been asking for snacks quite a bit. Is she going through a growth spurt? I did say no - because I don't want my DS snacking between meals/thought she'd had a lot of junk or whatever. Do you want me to send her back to you if she seems super hungry?'. It doesn't need to be weird. Then you would have known. And also had an opportunity to explain re your daughter's medication. Then you could work out the best thing together re sending her with snacks or being sent back etc

Sorry you've had a lot of backlash x

Also children that age ask for food constantly if a bit bored, it can be habitual or down to just enjoying eating snack foods, often its got nothing to do with being hungry. I find it you offer something savoury & less instantly palatable like vegetables they are in fact not hungry.....

Aww I feel really bad for your little girl, she's only six and has side effects from her medication. I wouldn't overly worry about all the posts going on about how rude she is etc. She isn't rude her behaviour is fairly developmentally normal, she's hungry so asks for food. She will learn approriate social etiquette in time, just keep reminding her not to ask for food in other peoples houses. Who knows why the other mum got disregulated enough by the situation that she had her own son in tears and your daughter feeling upset and worried. Sounds like they spend more time at your house anyway so maybe encourage this more and less time at their house. I wouldn't even speak to the mum about it, it's really not a big deal at all. Just ask your daughter to come home if she is hungry and not ask the other mum for a snack. I'm a bit like you and don't mind feeding the 5000 and wouldn't be remotely upset, stressed, angry etc at a little girl asking for a snack, even if it was junk food. Some people are just uptight so forget about it and move on. As for all the comments about how weird it is playing at each others houses everyday, it's not at all. Neighbourhood kids tend to play together. I played with the girl next door to me growing up, everyday, and we are still best friends over 30 years later.

I would hate it if a child was asking me for snacks - we buy what we need - so don't have spare crisps. This would make my life awkward and some weeks cause me financial problems.

That reminds me of my mum's stock response to "can I have a biscuit please mum?" It was "if you're hungry you can have a slice of bread".

I didn't want the bread.

I don't think this is a big deal. Just pop in for a chat with the mum and explain DD was a bit upset and you are concerned she might be asking for too many snacks at the moment because of her medication. Say you'll send her with snacks and that she can always come home if she is asking for more food. Then some cheery small talk about how much fun the kids had today(or whatever). Keep it light.

My guess is that the mum is worn down by having lots of kids around and being asked for stuff all the time. It happens.

Myself I personally think Mayb your child goes over to play and is constantly asking for snacks and it’s getting a bit too much for the mum and as u said u live 2 doors away so your child could just as easily come home to u and u could feed her or give snacks. I’m as soft as soft can be but if a child was constantly asking me for snacks regardless of their medication then it would get me down to be honest

Our old neighbours were quite strict about meals and did not do snacks. We used to take turns with the school run and I once got them all an ice cream as the van stops on Fridays right outside the school gates, and my kids would have it as a treat for the end of the week. Mum was not happy!
I felt bad as she told me not to give her kids snacks but her son who was in my sons class always asked for food when he was at ours as he was always hungry. So I felt I couldn't give MY kids a snack either.
My kids didn't like going over for dinner as they said it was things like pasta with soy sauce. That's it. Maybe some fruit for dessert.
So maybe when your DD asks for snacks the mum feels in an awkward position as maybe she doesn't want her child to be snacking, certainly not on pop corn or crisps!

@Rainbow1235

"Myself I personally think ......."

Could you just clarify whether this is in fact your very own opinion?

The part that I feel is unreasonable about this is the mum becoming cross at either her DS or your DD and it being apparent. I personally wouldn’t want my child in that environment esp if the parent hasn’t then apologised to both & explained why she might have become upset, or spoken to you about it.

If the issue is re money or just not wanting to share out food, or really whatever the issue is, it should’ve been dealt with between adults and the kids shouldn’t have been involved - they are only six and absolutely do not always understand the full scope of boundaries in other peoples homes when alone. The other Mum not wanting to give food wouldn’t put me off sending her as there could be lots of reasons behind that, but her becoming cross and it upsetting the kids would put me off. She is supposed to be the adult in charge.

The other mum is probably irritable about the neighbour child coming over uninvited, staying 3 hours and asking for food.

Yep absolutely my personal opinion which I’m very much entitled to give

But happy to send her dc over for 5 hours with no lunchbox of snacks.

Call the boy's mum and just ask if your dd has done something wrong at hers as she came home upset. Ask if something happened she/you need to apologize for. That'll at least give the other mum the chance to air any grievances. Otherwise just reinforce to your dd to eat at home and not ask for food/snacks there because some people are weird about that.

Then it should be dealt with by the adults, shouldn’t it? Being unpleasant or shouting at six year olds isn’t going to change the situation and has just caused a whole load of upset. Easy fix - say “come along sweetheart it’s home time now I will walk you back over the road to Mum”. Drop off at Mums door and say right now isn’t great, I’ll pop you a text with when suits us next time and we can see if your DD is free. Simple and pleasant, problem solved, no shouting and no upset six year old children.

I would tell her to come home when she wants a snack. It's not a big deal if it's only two doors away.
I didn't personally mind if my children's friends asked me for snacks but whether I would let them have any would depend on how many snacks I had in the house and whether I wanted my own child to have what might amount to multiple snacks. I would only buy one multipack of crisps at a time for the whole family, for instance, and might not have any to spare.
My mum used to get really annoyed with my friend who was always hunting for snacks in our house, even though she didn't actually say anything to her face.
My child used to play with a neighbour but they'd generally get snacks from their own house when they wanted to.

If she's that hungry that she has a substantial lunch at home, toast and strawberries but is still hungry it makes be worth speaking to the gp about her medication.

Can you not speak to or message the mum?Something like, 'hi xxx, DD has been really hungry lately due to medication, would it be ok to send her with some snacks to share with friend if she gets hungry? Alternatively, please send her home call/message me to get her if she gets hungry and she can have her snack at home, whatever is best for you. Thanks again for having her round, she loves playing with friend.'

Please don't send her with snacks just for her. I'd find that significantly harder to navigate than her asking or bringing enough for 2.

Could it be friends mum is worried it will ruin your child's meal routine, so is refusing snacks and is a bit frustrated having to say no?

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest for a child to ask for a snack at my house - especially if they were here over an hour. I'd prefer that they did feel comfortable enough to ask for a snack!

Surely this is down to the other household not being a snacking house? I'd just talk to the mum.

I would find it bizarre if a child turned up at my house with a lunchbox / bag of snacks. Especially if the mum has a reason she doesn't want her child snacking in her home... Have a face to face conversation before sending your dd with anything would be my advice.

You need to nip this in the bud. Teach your Dd not to ask for food or drinks, other than water when visiting.
I don’t mind feeding other kids but it can become tedious if the child is constantly asking for snacks. Not saying this is the case but it may be, so better to teach your child not to ask and wait until offered.
Probably better for her to nip back for snacks rather than taking snacks, even for sharing, as the mum might not be ok with this.

Maybe you need to supervise the play dates to see what the problem is. Is she really relentlessly for food?

IF YOU'RE SIX YEAR'S OLD?

A six-year old is innocent enough to think adults care about him.

The mum had already given the children snacks - toast and strawberries. Then the girl asked for crisps as well. Given the mum doesn't know about the medication issues I think she is thinking it's too much

I can understand why the other mum responded the way she did - there's a difference between

"Scuse me Mrs butterfly, I'm hungry"

And

"Can I have a packet of crisps/some of that popcorn/sweets"

The first I'd offer a cheese stick, some fruit, maybe a sandwich or some toast. I'd possibly offer crisps etc if I had it in the house, but that would depend on things like whether they'd had a treat already today, what they'd been doing, how soon it is until a meal. The second would most likely get a no, and I'd offer something healthier. If the child then sent their friend to ask for crisps after having been told no I'd be annoyed too.

I don't think it's harsh at all. My children are adults now but always had friends round or went to friends' houses to play from about 5 or 6. I never had any child ask me for food and I brought my children up never to ask friends' parents for food, it's extremely rude. If children are offered food then they can say yes or no, but never ask.

But then children didn't snack anything like as much as many seem to these days. Crisps, popcorn etc were treats not everyday foods.

Regarding your daughter having been ill, that doesn't mean she should be excused from having good manners. You are already aware that she gets hungrier, therefore you should limit the amount of time she spends in other people's houses so that she comes home before she's hungry, rather than staying out for 3 hours.

The other mother is perfectly entitled to get annoyed by your daughter asking for food, whatever the reason. If I was that mother I would think that the hunger issue is something you need to sort out as her parent, not expect other people to give food to your child.

Maybe she needs a bit more protein and fat in her diet to fill her up. It sounds like she is having mostly carbs.