Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

To those posters calling out my early comment about the amount of children/continuing to have children as being mean or unnecessary...

Well it's the truth isn't it?

Complex needs or not... whether they were diagnosed at birth or much later on... OP still chose to have a large number of children. Much larger than the average family. This meant health issues aside there was always going to be less time and resources for all the children.

And I say that as someone with a big family myself so I'm not judging larger families but it's just a reality!

And to the poster talking about contraception failure- well yea that happens and we don't know OP situation. However again, it's a CHOICE to carry on. If OPs or another persons values/religion/beliefs etc are the reason they have to continue, I still see this as a CHOICE. And you just have to accept that later on your DC might not agree with it.

OP just needs to respect her daughter's NC and leave her well alone.

Please explain how I attributed blame to her? Im confused.

Different circumstances entirely, but I am NC with my mother. No one goes NC with a parent without good cause. I would hate it if my mother got in touch.

Her lifestyle isn't ideal but it's not awful. She needed help when she was a child but felt neglected. So she has now chosen no contact. You need to respect her wishes and hope she changes her mind in the future.

I am LC with mum, Grade A student, undiagnosed ADHD and went off rails in 20s. I also have kids all with additional needs so get that time and attention is scarce.

she doesn’t want your advice or concern. If you get in touch (make it about you saving her) you could jeopardise the relationship she has with DH and /or siblings.

you need to reflect harder on why that may be as your posts use minimising language and post a rosy picture. You only learnt about ADHD recently but knew about the anorexia a long time ago yet you still think she had a very happy childhood.

once you have reflected - which will probably take therapy - then write a full and whole hearted apology letter.

@89mar1 I am one of six children, no additional needs but there was never ever enough time for each child. None of us have large families. I had one day out in my entire childhood when it was just my Mother and I. It’s crowd control and then with so many kids little factions pop up.

I just don’t see how trying to dissect the past and place blame is helpful to the situation.

Im sure the daughter has her reasons for going nc and those reasons will be valid.

In the situation with my family, I didn’t think my sister was wrong for feeling how she did, but I was just trying to explain that later in life that she felt differently about things and they were able to repair relationship. And she feels way better now than she did back then. Maybe I didn’t explain it well in my first post but that is where it was coming from.

The OP may not have got it right on the past but it doesn’t mean it can’t ever be repaired in the future. Obviously the daughter would have to get to a place where she would want to and that may or may not happen, however it’s perfectly feasible that it might do one day.

OP

You have 5 children with special needs. You seem to have done your best for four of them but not for the 'easy one'.

Poor woman, I make no wonder she is no contact.

I'm no contact with my brother, it took a long time for me to break contact but I can honestly say my life is better without him in it.

Put your self in her shoes, how would her life improve with you in it?

Dissecting the past is obviously helpful for individuals in therapy etc I meant for us here on mumsnet when we have only a few posts from the OP to go on. Instead of offering helpful advice for moving forward (which some have)

Re your comment about my sister. Absolutely not. We have many open conversations about the past, I’ve always been supportive of sisters feelings. Please don’t try and judge my situation when you know very little about it.
Im not here to have an argument or go into details about my own family, it’s too long
and I have no reason to need to go into the detail but I can assure you it’s not what you implied.

It's very difficult to support a big family, I was one of five children, we spent a lot of time together and rarely depending on our parents, we enjoyed it, though there were times when I needed help and would never ask my parents. I made decisions as a teenager that no adult would approve of.

We loved our parents as providers but didn't bond until we were young adults.

Children today, need much money support and security, imo. I want my children to feel security.

OP things may change, apologise, stay humbled, be patient and hope for the best.

It sounds like it’s been tough with trying to meet your DC’s different needs. But it also sounds to me like your DD was sidelined though. The things that you say gave her a good childhood are superficial things like new hobbies. She came to you with practical stuff that needed sorting eg going to doctors re birth control but not the emotional side of things.

Even at about age 7 I recall her reminding us when it was time to give her brothers meds, obviously we knew, but she would be so anxious if we were as much as 2 minutes late.

This suggests that at 7 she was experiencing significant anxiety which has no doubt snow balled through the years.
You may not mean it but you sound quite dismissive about the anorexia and body image issues- these are big things and I can’t believe you describe her as the the ‘healthy’ and ‘easy’ child knowing this. Now you say there is also a formal diagnosis of ADHD. Your DD has clearly gone through a lot and is not coping and never really was.
I also don’t understand how you’ve not seen her for 5 years. Did she say explicitly she wanted to go NC? Or did it just fade away to that? Why have you not fought for her?
We all try our best with things but you need to be explicit in acknowledging that she was really not ok for a long time and is still not ok. You need to make it clear that she is important, you love her and focus on her. But I think it will take time to rebuild this relationship.

Not so.

The DD is 22. The brain does not fully mature until the age of 25, and in ADHD (which the DD has), it is likely to be several years later. So, whether you like it or not, she does still have some maturing to do.

I was anorexic and you are totally right (Imo) that it control comes into it, very much.
Your DD, OP, felt so out of control of her Home situation (through no fault of Hers) that the one thing she felt she COULD control was her weight .

Mine was not caused by an unhappy homelife though, I wish to add.

My advice ? Leave her alone.

This.

Please leave her alone

I know it sounds awful but it always felt like she was one step ahead of us even, she came to me when she got her first boyfriend and asked to go the doctors for birth control, she would come in and say oh I have an athletics competition or hockey match on this day but I've already asked xyzs mum to take me, it often felt like she was just a mini adult, like she had it more together than we did it, we never asked her to do this at all, she was just always so together. Even at about age 7 I recall her reminding us when it was time to give her brothers meds, obviously we knew, but she would be so anxious if we were as much as 2 minutes late.

I'm afraid that she didn't magically become an adultified child, she behaved like that as she felt that she needed to take responsibility for herself because you were already so busy with your other kids, and couldn't have her needs heard over the noise of the needs from the other children.

The OP made some mistakes but is looking for ways to help her daughter now. A pile on about her "neglectful" parenting seems unhelpful to me.

My mother made my life hell as she expected me to care for her emotionally rather than the other way round. I managed an adult relationship with her by moving away and seeing her on my terms.

I had therapy and realised she was dealing with the childhood she had with her own mother, who in turn had a very harsh mother. I had the therapy to help me not continue the family dynamic. (BTW my dad worked on ships and was mostly absent).

So anyway, I wondered if the OP could encourage her daughter to attend some family therapy sessions with both parents.

And some never mature at all.

I feel the same. I am terribly sorry for her and you; a chance of a 'normal' parent/ child relationship lost due to external pressures.

I think she is reacting to numerous ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). It's Jenny in Forrest Gump isn't it - she's craving some kind of feedback or love or relationship, even if a destructive one.

I think all you can do is, as very early PP suggested, write a letter apologising for your unintentional emotional neglect - I mean, I cannot imagine how hard your life was but I think you have to acknowledge that this happened. Say you are there for her if she wants support or to talk about anything.

She could do with seeing a psychiatrist probably, to work through things and regain control.

Anything from you is too little too late, so just support your son and other children in their attempts to help her (if they can).

Re-read yourself, btw. She was the ‘easy child’, but had MH issues, was anorexic and had trauma from outside the family. Hmmm.

OP your comment about her anxiety over her brothers meds struck me. That wasn't her being grown up or ahead of you, that's her being an anxious child. It sounds like you have all had a really hard time with so much to cope with, and I'm sure anyone would find the juggle of so many kids with extra needs difficult BUT you seem reluctant to admit that your daughter was also a victim of circumstances. It does sound like you did and do overlook her. You are not coming across as someone who desperately regrets her pain. That's got to hurt as your child.

Honestly this. She might have been 'the easy child', but her life doesn't sound like it was easy. I would have left too.