Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

Let's stick to the issue at hand which is a middle class autistic girl in her 20s refusing to speak to her mother

That's one way too minimise what has happened.

@Arran2024

Let's stick to the issue at hand which is a middle class autistic girl in her 20s refusing to speak to her mother.

Or you could try sticking to the facts...

In other words: “Why are these millennials making decisions that don’t suit me?”

Oh snap. There was me thinking I was NC because of the years of consistent and awful parental abuse making me an anxious damaged shell of a person that took a battering with every ongoing communication attempt. Turns out I'm just a hyperindividualistic narcissistic millennial. That's quite a mouthful, not sure I'll remember that. Does it come on a t-shirt or a badge or something?

Milennials have been accused of all kinds of things. Killing breakfast cereals, not buying enough diamonds, eating so much avocado toast we can't afford mortgages. Rejecting filial duties and failing to forgive are new ones on me though, nice to see we're branching out.

“Let's stick to the issue at hand which is a middle class autistic girl in her 20s refusing to speak to her mother.”

She was apparently diagnosed with ADHD, not autism. Despite having no support for her ADHD, she was a high achiever throughout school, went to and graduated from a prestigious university, and is now (presumably) working, and living, in London whilst pursuing her masters. Outside of that, she’s behaving how countless other early twenty-something’s do when they’re young, living in a big city, and enjoying their freedom.

This isn’t a woman who lacks agency. She doesn’t want a relationship with OP and nor is she required to have one. How she chooses to live her life is up to her, whether you or indeed OP like it or not.

I thought it was Gen Z’s turn to start taking the blame for the downfall of Western Civilization, so it’s nice to see we’re still getting a look in at least. Not quite requiem for the Zeitgeist just yet!

"Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen). "

This all sounds perfectly normal for a student/young adult working themselves out and enjoying new found freedom.

The fact that you find the concept of filial duty so absurd says it all. Our culture is truly rotten.
in most other cultures in the world this would be a given, not something to scoff at.
We all have duties to others, especially to those who gave us life, birthed us, cared for us, raised us , gave us our life’s privilege .
To be clear that’s not to say that there aren’t legitimate reasons for going no contact- eg in the case of abuse like a pp described.

I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him

yes but we don’t know what that attempted contact involved.we don’t have the context.

You believe you know how this young person feels and exactly what she is communicating. You believe that a letter from her mother acknowledging DD feelings and apologising wouldn’t be welcomed or experienced by DD as healing/ helpful. . I don’t think you have enough information to assume that. These things are usually nuanced and complicated That’s all.

And parents equally have duties to their children. Simply getting your child to age 18 without killing them is not sufficient.

OP admits herself that she neglected her child (when she was a literal child and had no agency to do anything about it at all). But her DD is still expected to have filial duty now she is an adult?

Whatever has happened in the past the OP can't make her DD get back in contact if she doesn't want to. All OP can do now is try to behave with dignity, keep the door open and refrain from making things worse by trying to force the issue.

I think you missed out "but if it did happen, it absolutely wasn't OP's fault"
and "DD probably deserved it anyway".

Yes of course parents have duties to their children.

Im not passing judgement on the OP or her DD- we don’t have enough information to do that.

No parent is perfect, and OP was dealing with a hell of a lot with 5 children with complex needs.
OP’s dd will have her perspective too on the challenges she faced. It sounds very hard, although we only have a second hand account on this thread.

But you were passing judgement on OP's DD - you were saying that she had a filial duty towards OP without knowing a single thing about her reasons beyond a second hand biased view from OP.

No.

There was a broader discussion that was happening about whether going “no contact” with parents is an increasing cultural trend.
one pp argued that it is and that this trend is associated with a contemporary, (western) type of individualism/ narcissism and a lack of filial duty.

Then either you or another poster (not sure who) scoffed at the concept of “filial duty” I objected to the idea that this is a concept to be scoffed at. The fact that posters think this concept is something to be scoffed at is in itself evidence of the trend that pp was pointing to.

I suspect people have always gone no contact or low but I imagine that it wasn't something easily talked about. It's not something millennials have invented.

I mean collectivism isn't perfect either. And in many of these cultures where family is so important there are a great number of downsides too - either oppressive to women, strict gender roles, those who do not fit in are treated very poorly, women stuck doing caring roles, shame an honour, lack of creativity...

Ideally we would mix the best of all cultures and I think you can be family orientated and still do what is best for you. It is a case of having boundaries but people who benefit by you not having them will always be unhappy with this no matter the compromise.

Not to mention that surely the daughter is Gen Z. It is time they had their moment.

I agree, another generation needs to take their turn being blamed for society's ills 😅

For sure there always will have been. The question is whether it’s something that is becoming more prevalent and whether that is related to increasing individualism as well as other trends (less value placed on social responsibilities/ obligations, greater sense of individual entitlement , especially amongst younger people, less value placed on the elderly in general and belief that older people are more disposable etc etc.m). Personally I think all of these things are definitely trends.

Oh I totally agree with all of that. There are positives and negatives on both sides.

I think we have really high expectations of parents. All sorts of things are considered abusive and neglectful that were completely normal parenting to other generations. I suspect some NC is due to people judging their parents by modern parenting standards, obviously there's going to be a lot that fall short and I don't think it's always fair.

The tricky thing here is it sounds like the OPs daughter really did have it worse compared with her peer group that didn't have to worry about siblings medication or had parents present at parents evening.

"I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child."

DD has been diagnosed since she went no contact with her mother.

Her parents weren't concerned.

OP neglected her responsibilities to her daughter and her daughter has matched her mother's involvement and investment while she was growing up.