Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

If it’s not a competition then why try and draw comparisons? OP, and her ex husband, acknowledge that they neglected their daughter, however much you wish to downplay it.

OP can want to fix things as much as she likes, she isn’t owed the opportunity to do so by her daughter. You cannot demand that someone you have hurt forgive you, understand you, or have a relationship with you.

I'm the middle of 5 and DM always says I was the easy one. I wasn't though. I was only easy because I was the overlooked one.
We were all emotionally neglected, even the golden child but some of us were assertive enough to ask for our basic needs. Anytime I asked for those to be met, I got a big tirade about how expensive shoes or a filling was. How much hassle it was to go to parents evening. How I was wasting petrol asking for a lift when I could hitch hike- at a time when several young women were going missing in Ireland. And yet they got cars for three of their kids. So I stopped asking knew I was entirely on my own and at 18 i was gone.

My mother actually brags about how easy pleased I am. What she's saying is that she still doesn't realise that I stopped expecting basic care and consideration from her since I was younger than ten. I'm well into middle age now.

I'm older and wiser to acknowledge they both had incredibly dysfunctional childhoods themselves, but that's not explaining it all. Given that their golden child was nurtured, they did have the capability to be good parents. That actually was the most hurtful revelation to be honest. Knowing they could, but didn't bother...yeah.

If I was 20 now, I would probably go NC but it was literally beaten into most of us to respect your parents so I did. Now I see they didn't deserve that level of respect from me.

I think you aren't the person to help your DD op, but if you are truly concerned, ask the family she does trust to keep an eye out for her and get her the help she may need,

Oh come on, people don't go to the extreme length of NC because it's trending on social media. And they don't cut off parents for missing the odd sports day or parents evening, this obviously runs much deeper than we understand for OPs daughter. Going NC with a parent is like cutting off a limb, you lose a part of your identity, your roots, your sense of belonging and familiarity, you have to start again. Imagine how hard that is, then imagine how badly that person must have been treating you to feel the need to cut them off to protect yourself. To feel that having no contact at all is the only way for you to move forward with your life. That is the reality of NC, its not a whim or a strop or being youthful and silly. It is not done lightly, which is why anyone with experience of this is saying leaving the poor girl alone and let her be.

Perhaps there’s very good reason why she’s speaks to her father but not OP, that doesn’t involve sexism. Her father may have been the better parent to her, despite his own neglectful behaviour. Perhaps he’s also willing to own up to his faults, and not present himself as the victim.

OP may be entirely transparent in her account, but she also may be trotting out a predictable script designed to minimize her behaviour, casting herself as deserving of sympathy in contrast to her bratty daughter:

“I’m going to say I did wrong so that I come across as honest and earnest, but I didn’t really do anything wrong, and here’s why you should feel very sorry for me and tell me how unreasonable my daughter is for having the audacity to question my decisions and parenting”.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter. The daughter doesn’t have to have a relationship with OP because OP wants one. Ending a relationship doesn’t require the permission of both parties.

Precisely, a lot are good at beating someone when they're down.

We all make mistakes and OP wants to rectify it. She knows she could have done better.

That's obviously abuse.
Didn't see anywhere where OP says she did those things to her DD.

Only OP's daughter knows if she'll ever forgive.
Hopefully they can build bridges and overcome the trauma the whole family are going through.

and I AM team OP

So you're team neglectful mum? Wow. I can only assume you are similar to her and trying to justify the enormous damage neglect does. Children do not ever go NC without a genuine reason. Emotional neglect is often far worse than any other form of neglect. That you are minimising this shows how dangerous your attitude is. And anorexia is very easy to spot if you are a parent who is paying attention to your child.

Wow what a nasty person you are @50GoingOn30 . The daughter had ADHD and anorexia and she was neglected by her daughter. Read all the OP's posts on here. At 7 years old she had to be the parent and remind her mother to give her sibling their pills! No child should ever have to have that responsibility on their shoulders! There is nothing to excuse that neglect. I sincerely hope you don't have children if you call a NEGLECTED CHILD 'spoilt'. How dare you!

I think there are a lot of abusive and neglectful parents on here, or perhaps privileged ones who live in a bubble and cannot conceive of neglect outside of their own experience. I shudder at the thought some of these people have children in their care.

This! Team mum here. Caring for children with additional needs is bloody hard and basically survival. End of. Would love some of these holier than thou parents to experience it and then comment.

@PeachApricot

This! Team mum here. Caring for children with additional needs is bloody hard and basically survival. End of.

Except she didn't care for all of her children with additional needs, which is the whole point.

Would love some of these holier than thou parents to experience it and then comment.

I do it every day of the week and have done for 24 years.

Where has she said she didn’t care for her children? She don’t go to sports day or parents evenings woopy do!

Well, I think I am from a generation where we tried to fix problems, not flee from them. Going no contact is a newish trend. I didn't know much about it but heard a discussion on the radio a few months ago and I was astonished by what I heard. People are being encouraged to go no contact - it's another social contagion. I'm not minimising anyone's bad parents but like I said in a previous thread, I have two adopted children whose birth mother practically killed them. In some cases no contact is absolutely necessary but there is a big difference between being locked up in cupboards with no food and having parents who didn't come to your sports events.

My mother was narcissistic and very difficult. I kept contact with her to a minimum but I didn't go no contact. I had therapy and made sure I didn't treat my children the same.

Going no contact seems utterly extreme to me unless there is ongoing actual harm. And this OP wants to help, has asked for help to put things right.

That does NOT JUSTIFY neglecting an innocent child!!! But be team neglectful mum and wear it as a badge of honour then.

People have been going NC with families for centuries, it's just that it has a name now. There is no way you can 'fix' child neglect. You really don't understand at all. And sometimes going NC with a person that is harmful to you is best for your own health. Your ignorance on this issue is very sad. In 2025, we should be more enlightened. And it wasn't just sporting events. Read all the OP's posts, the daughter was basically rearing herself since the age of 7. That would have got you removed from Social Services even in the 1940s.

In fact, in the old days, the person who is NC may have been called the 'black sheep' of the family. Just another way of saying NC.

It wasn't just sporting events. Read all the OP's posts in this thread, not just the first one, the daughter was basically rearing herself since the age of 7. That would have got you removed from Social Services even in the 1940s.

50GoingOn30

I'd be telling her that this ridiculous situation has to end and you want to meet her to clear the air and get to the bottom of why she's behaving like this.

And you would be chasing her even further away. Well done.

If she still wants to be estranged that's up to her but she owes you one meeting.

The DD doesn't owe the OP anything.

Arran2024 · Today 19:53

Well, I think I am from a generation where we tried to fix problems, not flee from them.

The problems were never fixed, they has a band aid put over them that required the neglected person to put up with even more shit in the name of family and 'blood is thicker than water'.

Going no contact is a newish trend

It really isn't I know of families were the children emigrated to get away from their parents.

But then I also know of kids that were kicked out of their homes during the college day, when the first that they knew about it was when the college pastoral team took them in to the office where their clothes have been delivered by the parents.

I must say, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I'm not from the 1950s! I consider my generation, who grew up in the 80s, to look for solutions. Previous generations stayed quiet. Now it seems that running away is the answer. We were the ones having therapy, sharing our stories.

I think I have a good understanding of neglect. I already said my mum was a narcissist. I moved to London as a result but I never stopped contact with her. How ridiculous! She was good with my daughters for starters.

People are not black and white. She had good points as well as bad. I'm not judging her. She grew up in a different time and with a very difficult mother herself.

Of course some people always cut off contact but it was pretty socially unacceptable. People were mightily shocked. Now it is a positive lifestyle choice apparently, cheered on by people who have their own reasons to promote it.

And it just smacks to me of unreasonable black and white thinking.

She has explained this. The children were in a car crash.

OP came on here to ask whether she was BU to be worried and whether anyone had any ideas if there was anything she could do to help.
Some people have given constructive replies e.g. write a letter to apologise, try to make her feel loved,, don't justify yourself, don't pressure her for contact, don't mention that your son passed on concern about her, don't contact anyone such as the university or her friends behind her back.
Other posters have deliberately twisted OP's words and portrayed everything in the worst possible light. They have relished twisting the knife, I don't think they are really talking to OP-they are addressing the parents who have hurt them. There is no mention of OP hitting and humiliating her daughter for example as some posters have surmised.. It's clear that there was neglect of the daughter's emotional needs. OP seems to be, at least partially, aware of that. She wouldn't be worried if she didn't care at all. I hope OP can take on board some of the constructive advice and consider the other posts without becoming overwhelmed by them. With the disabilities, mental health issues and accidents that have happened this family has had a very difficult time.

Ah okay, sorry missed that part.