Not to go to my mums because of this?

[toottootsy]

I had a baby back in early December and I gained quite a bit of weight.
My mum saw me just after the birth and I was still quite big but she said I would lose that in a couple of months.
I am due to go and visit her in a couple of weeks and she's been out and bought me some new clothes in my pre-pregnancy size as she is expecting that I'll be back to my normal size.

I've tried fasting and lost a stone but I still have a stone to go and not much time until we're due to go.
I know she'll comment and be disappointed so I'm thinking maybe I should just not go and think of an excuse to buy myself some more time.
I know I shouldn't overthink but I do and I have quite a lot of anxiety when I'm with my mum because she's quite judgy.
Dh says I'm being silly but I just can't face her at the moment, she isn't very subtle.
Dh said I should see if people on mumsnet would avoid visiting people until they were back to size so I could see how ridiculous this is but I think I should feel comfortable instead of pressure.

Go and put a stop to her comments.

You had a baby about 3 months ago, please do not beat yourself up about not being back to your pre baby size. It takes months and months for your body to recover from the trauma of growing and pushing out a human being. I doubt your mother is seriously expecting it. If she is, she is being totally unreasonable.

No I wouldn't put off seeing my mum because of my weight but then my mum wouldn't comment on it- plus 3 months isn't very long to be back to pre pregnancy weight anyway, I certainly wasn't either time.

It's entirely your call but is it worth your DH speaking to your mum before you go to say you're really grateful for some new clothes but you're not quite ready for them yet and could she not mention it? How would she respond to something like that?

It's entirely your call but is it worth your DH speaking to your mum before you go to say you're really grateful for some new clothes but you're not quite ready for them yet and could she not mention it?

I think this is a really good idea and would be something my DP would do for me if I felt uncomfortable doing so myself

I'm sure she's react politely at the time and say it's fine but she'd be quite outspoken about it in person and would definitely not be able to help bringing it up.
I think she thinks as she's my mum she can be brutally honest and say it how it is but I take things to heart especially her disappointment.

I have lost the weight really quickly in previous pregnancies so I do understand why it is going to be a surprise but I just can't shift it this time. I had a lot of water weight and still look bloated.

Yanbu...that sounds so incredibly toxic.

You are barely three months post partum and are fasting?! Are you breastfeeding? You really should focus on recovering from childbirth...and be eating healthily rather than restricting yourself.

I wouldn't get my DH to speak to her, I'd tell her myself to stop making negative comments about my body.

No I'm not, I'm giving formula.

I wouldn’t put off visiting due to my weight. But I also wouldn’t visit someone who was so critical of my weight to begin with (let alone if I was only 3 months post partum!)
It takes 9 months to grow a baby, not everyone sheds the weight over night. Totally normal to take longer!!

I would have to have a word with her about being so critical and ‘honest’, and if she wasn’t willing to take that onboard I would be distancing myself going forwards.

I guarantee she is able to keep her opinions to herself when it comes to other people, so once you’ve spoken to her she should be able to do the same with you.

@Nursemumma92 no you don't have to put up with your mum saying horrible things. You have only just had a baby, give yourself time to recover. If she doesn't like your weight.... tough patooties. Its your life sweetheart, not hers to control. Sending hugs x🫂💐❤️🙏

Safe weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week, so 4-8 pounds a month. 4 pounds a month is less than one stone in 3 months, which is where you are at from early December to now, minus several weeks for the inital worst of recovery when exercise and dieting was not a priority, to have lost a stone already you're doing really, really well!

I wouldn't avoid visiting 'until I'd lost the weight'. I would avoid visiting someone who couldn't keep their toxic opinions to herself until she learnt some manners.
Your body just made an entire new human being. Its amazing! So what if there's a bit more of it than there used to be - it's incredible.

Your weight is your business, not hers! I’d be mortified if my mum voiced her opinion on my weight. It’s not like you’re morbidly obese either.

If you’re making the effort to travel to her, you don’t want to be made to feel bad so soon after giving birth. I know PP’s have said to put her right but she sounds like my mum who would just keep harping on with no interest in how it made anyone else feel.
I’d be minded not to go and tell her it’s because you don’t need her criticism of your size. If she wants to see her grandchild she can come to you and be civil.

If I avoided people until I lost weight gain I'd still be isolating since covid. I am seeing someone next weekend that I last saw in 2019 and I'm already feeling embarrassed so I do understand, but you have to rise above it. She sounds very unfair to you, you've already lost loads and should be focusing on you and babies health and not size.

I would not go this time or at any other time. She sounds like a really horrible person. What was she trying to achieve by buying these clothes. I guess it was to humiliate you. You do not need her in your life.

I wouldn’t visit someone so utterly bereft of empathy. And I’d keep my children away from her toxic judgments as well.

I absolutely would avoid her! Not out of shame, but because she’s bloody rude and doesn’t deserve your company if she can’t behave, even when reminded and asked nicely.

Wait until you are ready, and if she complains about the delay tell her you weren’t ready to put up with her negative comments about your weight.

You need a response ready for when she brings it up, something like, “and you’re Miss World are you?”.

Your weight is none of her business so make it clear that it’s not up for discussion.

I'm another one saying I wouldn't visit if she couldn't keep quiet and would judge. I could probably suffer it for a couple of hours but if its a stay over it's a nope from me.

I'd also suggest counselling for yourself as I bet this isn't the only thing she's judgy about.

Do you want her to be saying similar to your children?

I'd be deciding whether I needed to go low/no contact I think

I would go. When she makes a comment I would say politely but firmly please stop I don’t need this at the moment I only had a baby three months ago and have other priorities and your comments are upsetting

Then if she carries on I would just get up and leave

It’s so recently that you had your baby! She’s mad! I was told “9 months to get this way, 9 months to go back” - ie it will take around 9 months to get back to your pre-pregnancy weight and get your muscle tone back.

Please don’t starve yourself to try to please her. Look after yourself and eat well. The weight will drop off gradually.

Ps I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t go. She doesn’t sound like someone I would want anything to do with anyway, weight aside.

She isn’t being “brutally honest”, she’s being nasty, and she probably wouldn’t speak to anyone else like that so she doesn’t have the right to speak to you like that just because she’s your mum.

You don’t need her nasty remarks and neither do your children.

I would talk to her before and tell her you’re so worried about her reaction/comments that you were considering not coming - if that doesn’t make her think twice about what she says then nothing will