Not to go to my mums because of this?

[toottootsy]

I had a baby back in early December and I gained quite a bit of weight.
My mum saw me just after the birth and I was still quite big but she said I would lose that in a couple of months.
I am due to go and visit her in a couple of weeks and she's been out and bought me some new clothes in my pre-pregnancy size as she is expecting that I'll be back to my normal size.

I've tried fasting and lost a stone but I still have a stone to go and not much time until we're due to go.
I know she'll comment and be disappointed so I'm thinking maybe I should just not go and think of an excuse to buy myself some more time.
I know I shouldn't overthink but I do and I have quite a lot of anxiety when I'm with my mum because she's quite judgy.
Dh says I'm being silly but I just can't face her at the moment, she isn't very subtle.
Dh said I should see if people on mumsnet would avoid visiting people until they were back to size so I could see how ridiculous this is but I think I should feel comfortable instead of pressure.

I don't think she had bad intentions, just to buy me some nice new clothes so I can feel good now I'm not pregnant, spoil me I suppose but I'm not going to get into them which I do find humiliating.
I've spoken to her before about being judgmental and she just says yeah I suppose I am.

Ugh. Judge her back if she judges, don't let her project.

She is rude and you have nothing to be disappointed about. Your weight is your business, she's not entitled to expect you to be any particular weight.

She sounds very damaging.

I would go and establish a boundary with her, as soon as she starts being judgemental or commenting on weight I would tell her not to be so mean and rude, and if she continues I will leave.
Then if she continues, leave.

Sorry but who buys a women who has just had a baby or is in any kind of flux with their weight clothes in their previous size? Thats just very pressuring and quite loaded. I would be really pissed off about that tbh.

Message her and say thank you for the new clothes but you won't be able to fit into them yet. Go and visit her and make sure your DH deflects any criticism. Be prepared to go home early if necessary.

So tell her that she can't. You're an adult, you don't have to listen to anything you don't want to hear from a family member.

Your weight is the least interesting fact about yourself. When life is done, you will not be remembered by the size jeans you fitted into the first year after having a baby (or any year for that matter).

I would go armed with some seriously blunt clap backs, and be prepared to walk out. You don’t owe your mum a relationship just because she’s your mum. She can learn to be respectful, or practice it alone. Her choice. But your DC doesn’t need to grow up in an environment where appearance & weight are prioritised over kindness, love and fun.

Fight fire with fire.

’Nobody died and appointed you Mr Motivator, mum’.

‘You’ll have to stop with these sorts of judgemental comments over weight before the baby understands what is being said, mum. Because I understand that you think you’re being encouraging rather than just being a spiteful cow, but if you ever let my child think they need to be conscious of their weight, it will be the last time you get within a hundred miles of them. Am I being perfectly clear here?’

‘I’ve just had a baby, mum. It’s perfectly natural to take months to lose baby weight. But if we’re making personal comments on each other’s appearance now, I don’t like your hair/lipstick/wrinkles etc. Would you like me to help you fix them?’

You might need to leave shortly after that, so pick your moment carefully.

Kindness would’ve been taking you out to choose your own clothes in a size that makes you feel good about your body.

Speak to her on the phone before you go and be blunt - tell her you've still got a way to go to lose the baby weight and that you're trying. You appreciate the clothes she's bought but they're not going to fit yet. Tell her you're looking forward to seeing her and it would be really nice if she just didn't mention your weight. You already feel a bit crap about it and don't need anyone making you feel worse.

By bringing it out in the open in this way, you diffuse the tension. If she brings up your weight while you're there, you can just say 'Mum, I've told you not to bring this up, can we talk about something else?' and change the subject.

Being your mum doesn’t give her a free pass to make you feel shit, insecure, fat, rubbish, worried or as if you need to avoid her. And bluntness / honesty is often another word for lack of tact or rudeness. Just have that in mind.

Honestly it’s not normal and her intentions are controlling at the minimum… which imo IS bad.

even if she knows your size exactly it weird to buy another adult multiple items of clothing without your input. What if they aren’t to your taste?

i had a baby last year it took me a year to lose the weight. My mum organised childcare and we went out together for the day and she bought me some clothing.

it was lovely. I tried various bits on and we got some lunch.

IMO that’s kind and thoughtful.
On the other hand…buying you a load of clothes that maybe aren’t your taste or don’t suit you and that don’t fit and make your feel like shit is a shit gift and not one I’d accept.

also presumably by the time you see them they’ll be outside the returns period so even IF they fit you’re expected to keep it whether you like it or not… that is just super controlling.

And given how much she loves direct communication and being judgemental she should have no problem with you being similar and directly telling her how much you don’t appreciate how weird and controlling she is being.

This.

It's ok, you don't need to back pedal like this to defend her. She clearly does have bad intentions. Just read your own words about your relationship:

I have quite a lot of anxiety when I'm with my mum because she's quite judgy.

If you want to keep up the pretence that it's a nice thing she's doing though then it's easy to resolve. 'Thanks mum, that's so generous. Do you have the receipt so I can exchange them for the correct size?'.

She is vile. I’d consider writing to her explaining how her judgemental behaviour makes you feel. You could also point out that she’ll see less of her, and your DC if she doesn’t stop. Not as a threat, just because it makes you feel so terrible. You don’t want your DC, girls or boys growing up observing it either.

Maybe she’ll take it on board, apologise and that will be that. I hope so. But remember you don’t have to put up with it, you have choices. You love your mum but that doesn’t mean you can allow her to make you feel so badly about yourself.

Thank her for the lovely clothes and say you look forward to wearing them once your weight has stabilised. No need to explain or apologise.

Tell her before you go that you won't fit into the clothes, so perhaps she should take them back and wait until your weight settles down. It has been 3-4 months and you don't need this pressure.

If she says anything when you visit, then put her in her place. If she continues, then leave. Get your point across somehow that her behaviour is not acceptable.

Yo are a much nicer person than I am

And if you judged her back? Told her you think being as judgmental as she is makes her a worse mother than she otherwise would be, and you’re very disappointed in her?

Because, you know, if it’s ok as a general rule to be judgmental towards the people closest to you, you’re every bit as entitled to judge her as she is you.

If you think you could pull that off, then go.

If she would just make you shrivel and feel like shit, and you wouldn’t be able to give it back to her, then I think only seeing her when you feel strong and confident is a perfectly reasonable course of action.

Time for a re-think on your relationship with your mum. She absolutely should not be commenting on your post baby weight. But also as a grown woman and now a mother yourself, you don't need her buying you clothes as if you're a teenager. My mother did this right up til her death. She died when I was 50 and the clothes she bought me that year only fit my short and skinny 14 yr old son.

Please don’t feel upset about this OP many of us never fully achieve our pre childbirth weight, I know I didn’t.
I would message your Mum or speak on the phone and say it’s really kind that she’s bought you clothes but that you’re not back to that size yet. At least then she’ll not get a shock when she sees you. she can then decide to take them back or you can say you’ll bring them home.
It really is unkind of your Mum to put so much pressure on you and it is absolutely her that is being unreasonable. You have a beautiful new baby, a supportive husband, and the last thing you need is to worry about dieting.
Look at how much support you’ve received on here, let it sink in and stop worrying, I’m sure you look amazing.

This with bells on. Buying you clothes in the size she thinks you 'should' be is absolutely horrible

I would go purely so I could tell her to fuck off and mind her business.

Do not worry about your size, you are focused on caring for your baby. It will come in time and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter.

If your mum is blunt be blunt back. “Back off, mum. My priority is baby right now. Anyway, have you heard from auntie Mary lately?”

Ask her if she's disappointed in her new grandchild?

No? Well this is what it took to have them.
Thanks for the clothes but if you'd rather take them back that's fine

And if she carries on, then leave.

You're a mother now. That means you're a grown up and she doesn't get to be 'outspoken' and hurtful