Not to go to my mums because of this?

[toottootsy]

I had a baby back in early December and I gained quite a bit of weight.
My mum saw me just after the birth and I was still quite big but she said I would lose that in a couple of months.
I am due to go and visit her in a couple of weeks and she's been out and bought me some new clothes in my pre-pregnancy size as she is expecting that I'll be back to my normal size.

I've tried fasting and lost a stone but I still have a stone to go and not much time until we're due to go.
I know she'll comment and be disappointed so I'm thinking maybe I should just not go and think of an excuse to buy myself some more time.
I know I shouldn't overthink but I do and I have quite a lot of anxiety when I'm with my mum because she's quite judgy.
Dh says I'm being silly but I just can't face her at the moment, she isn't very subtle.
Dh said I should see if people on mumsnet would avoid visiting people until they were back to size so I could see how ridiculous this is but I think I should feel comfortable instead of pressure.

Congratulations on your new baby.
I agree with @Imbusytodaysorry your DH should stop dismissing your feelings when you try to discuss them.

"Dh says I'm being silly but I just can't face her at the moment... ...so I could see how ridiculous this is but I think I should feel comfortable instead of pressure."

Having read your posts, your feelings are neither silly nor ridiculous... and his suggestion that the whole of MN would agree with HIM that you are... is outrageous.

Your "judgemental" DM sounds like a bit of a bully.. and you are wringing your hands at the thought of getting another round of caustic comments from her. That's actually a real concern and not "silly" at all.

Why hasn't he got your back?

You're a mother yourself now. Don't go if you don't want to, but don't let it be because of your weight. You've just had a baby
I understand the conversations have gone.
you "Mum you are very judgemental."
DM "I suppose I am"

and it sounds like that response clinches it. Presumably because you are so upset by then, that all she needs to do is say yes I am. as in. You just have to accept it. But you don't!
She needs to take responsibility for these mean comments.
Ask her WHY .
What does she hope to achieve> ,
it makes you feel a, b, c and you seriously considered not seeing her - just to avoid a conversation like this.
And its great that she acknowledges she is judgemental,
but she is counter productive.
Why does she feel the need to deliver all these put downs?
And you would like it to stop. now.
If it doesn't stop, you won't be visiting anymore..
and that is HER choice. You can get up and leave if she starts on you again.
You've heard all the MN views so you get the gist.

Best of luck, what ever you decide to do.

Bloody hell!
I had a baby 36 yrs ago and I'm still not back to my pre-baby weight!
You need to stick up for yourself. You don't need to argue.
"Crikey mum, I've just had a baby, give me a chance"

My daughter is 31. If I hadn't visited anyone until I regained my pre-pregnancy weight, I would be a hermit. Mums shouldn't say stuff that makes their children feel bad. Go and see her. Tell her to stop. Good luck.

Find some inner strength. You know she is wrong to be so judgy, so just don’t accept it, and bat it back at her - ‘it is totally inappropriate to fat shame anyone, but especially someone who has just had a baby. Grow up!’

@toottootsy

Bless you - you only had a baby 3-4mths ago - give yourself a break! It's totally normal to still be losing the weight. Don't fast to try to force it - ease up on yourself. Go to your mum's with your supportive partner & tell her to back the fuck off if she starts being judgy about it!! It sounds like he'll have your back. If she keeps on, walk out & tell her she can forget seeing her grandchildren until she can be a decent human being & support you.

Why on earth would you mum be disappointed? She has a new grandchild and rather than being pleased to see you all, she will be cross because you haven't lost all your pregnancy weight in 3 months?

She could definitely be able to stop bringing it up, she just doesn't want to as she is judgemental and not very nice.

You should feel cross with her for being such a superficial and unsupportive mum. I wouldn't bother going because I wouldn't want to see her and listen to her judgemental and hurtful comments.

I wouldn’t bother visiting her. Not because you haven’t lost the weight but because she’s horrible!
If you do decide to go, make sure you shut her down right away!
‘Mum, I gave birth three months ago, my weight is none of your business, so be quiet and please do not mention my weight ever again or you’ll find yourself seeing less of me and your Grandchild’

Is this the kid of person and judgement you want your children to grow up with? What if she bought your teenage daughter clothes to slim down into?

just because she’s your mum does not mean you have to have contact with them.

I think she thinks as she's my mum she can be brutally honest and say it how it is but I take things to heart especially her disappointment

But does she take YOUR disappointment to heart? As in this situation I feel like you are the one who is more disappointed, feeling under so much pressure from your mum to lose weight. And to feel like you don’t want to see your mum for fear of comments she will make about your appearance…that’s awful. I would stop worrying so much about what she thinks about your body. Go see her, and if she says anything, tell her quite firmly not to be so rude and offensive.

You're over thinking this.

Just thank her for the clothes and see it as a target for a few months down the line to get back into them.

If she makes any sarcastic comments, just retaliate. Ask her if she's planning on doing anything about her bingo wings. Or her jowls are looking a bit saggy and had she considered collagen powder.

Don't do fasting, it's not healthy. Just eat sensibly and long walks with the pram. As you're bottle feeding and not breast feeding then your calorie level will need to come down by about 500 to 700 calories a day.

Can you send her a message now, saying you can't wait for the treat and your currently xx size and you are really looking forward to the new clothes in your current size. Get ahead of it.

I'm a really believer of negative consequences to words, so every time my mother in law said anything I'd grab a chocolate or a handful of cake or something outrageous and said every time you say that this is what Im going to do. She was shocked and mortified and soon shut up as she honestly didn't know what to do. Likewise when my mum kept asking me about grandchildren I said, oh year, every time you ask me that I'm getting another cat! And I got one more and so she believed me 😅

Sometimes diverging is all you can do but I'm an extrovert and have oppositional defiance so it comes easy!

So would I - or not go. You’re an adult and can decide what clothes to wear.

Then say “yeah well that’s why we won’t be visiting” 😡

If I thought that I was going to be judged for not losing weight, then yes, I would avoid going, but that's not something my mum would have ever done.

I think she sounds weirdly controlling. Why is she going out buying you clothes in a size that she thinks you should be? That is strange behaviour. I think it would benefit you to think about your relationship and maybe having a conversation about everything with her. The best outcome might be that she hadn't realised what she was doing and was genuinely buying clothes as a present. The worst outcome would be she is highly controlling and obsessed with your weight ( and maybe her own?) Good Luck with this.

Aww, you poor thing. I can totally empathise

If it were me, I would go but would text her in advance. Something like: 'Hi mum. Really looking forward to seeing you soon. Just a heads-up though, the topic of weight is off the agenda! My confidence has hit a bit of a low and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. Baby is still only 3 months old, so I've plenty of time. And I really appreciate the new clothes, but will fit into them when I'm ready.'

I feel that this might take the pressure off you a bit, for the visit itself. And if she is enough of an arsehole to bring it up, a sharp 'remember what I said in my text, mum' should do the trick.

But just to add, you've got to crack down on her now. When I was a beautiful teenager - and not even one who was particularly overweight - my aunt offered me money to lose weight. I'm 50 now and have never forgotten how it made me feel. I come from quite a size-ist family though, which is why I can empathise with you so much!

Make a stand! You and your daughter need it x

I would put it off. It’s not the right thing to do but I know it’s what I would do.

Well done on losing the stone👏💐

Oh sorry, don't know why I assumed it was a daughter you had!

I personally think that is awful of her to buy pre pregnancy sized clothes for you and you are expected to be that size for her when you visit. Why does it matter to her what your weight is , it's none of her business. You are letting her get to you far to much, which I understand as I can be the same. I'd say hold your head up high and don't give a toss about the size of clothes and shut down any comments on your weight. She's out of order to do so. I would not even go out of your way to give yourself another month , just for her benefit. If you would like to lose a bit of weight , it should be at your own pace on your terms .

you had a baby 3 months ago please be kind to yourself, you have done amazing so do5 put pressure on yourself because you mother is! As for her I would be nipping it in the bud now! I know your little one is little but as they grow older they see all these negative comments and think it’s ok to say these kinds of things to people when in reality it hurts you. Your mother sounds very toxic. Xx

@toottootsy you’ve just had a baby and your body is recovering from major work that’s done (pregnancy). A midwife once told me that for woman’s body to fully recover from pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding is 2 years.

You say you’re anxious around your mother,I’d explore why. She’s got no right to judge anybody especially you. Being “brutally honest” is a diplomatic way to describe a bully and a very rude person.

You don’t have to live to your mother’s (or anybody else)expectations. Your weight/look is nobody’s business.

Her comments are creating and adding to your anxiety so I’d tell her politely to stop commenting or be brutally honest and tell her you won’t be visiting because of her shitty derogatory comments.

Her buying you clothes has nothing to do with spoiling you but to try to give her a stick to beat you with.

She’s your mother but it doesn’t give her right to have a go at you in order to satisfy her ego and exert her power and control. You’re and adult and a mother now yourself and you’re not under her care.

Nip it in the bud now even if you have to be rude, otherwise she’ll first have a go at your parenting then start treating your child like this messing them up mentally. Don’t let her.

A mum/granny should be making sure you’re feeling ok after just having a baby and that the baby is ok, not hung up on what you look like. Passive aggressive nonsense and I’d tell her where to stick her clothes, nasty bitch.

Just go and visit her. If she says anything about your weight, gather up your things and go home. Tell her you are not willing to be shamed about your body, especially after having had a baby, and you're not raising your own DC to think that's okay. Then leave.

Go visit and, if she starts on, say to her the one thing I said to my mother that finally shut her up. “Reflect on what you’ve just said, and consider if there is any other person on this planet that you’d think it was ok to say that to”. I was so sick of the (well meaning) criticism and it worked…..